Why can't I.....

[tantalizingfemme]

Originally Posted by Novelafemme

You are just a private person! Kudos to you!

I just blame it all on my mother.....

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by tantalizingfemme

I just blame it all on my mother.....

When I read this, tantalizingfemme, I said, *omg, me too!* --

meaning I blame my mother too!

(for some, not all, bathroom rules;
toilet paper issues, included)

[Medusa]

When Jackhammer and I were dating long distance I would fly to LA for a week or more and for at least the first 10 trips I would send her to the store.

Generally for Diet Dr. Pepper.

As soon as she pulled out of the driveway, it was a mad dash for the bathroom! Fling open the door, turn on the fan, pre-spray the area with Glade, open the window, crap as quickly as possible while flushing the whole time, and then when done you have to stand there fanning the door back and forth to force the smell out the open window.

[Corkey]

We'd need another bathroom. Having parasalsis (sp) is a real bummer.... No garlic!!!!

[Parker]

Oh god, this thread - I am laughing so hard, I am crying over here!

You know, when you have IBS, you have to be ok with pooping anywhere you need to poop, no matter where it is or who is around to hear or smell - I actually carry around a small spray bottle in my pocket so I can continually spray (Febreeze, Glade, whatever) while I'm doing my thang.

At home, I burn incense lol - and the only thing I do differently when I have company or when I am dating is I shut the door.

[Novelafemme]

Originally Posted by Parker

Oh god, this thread - I am laughing so hard, I am crying over here!

You know, when you have IBS, you have to be ok with pooping anywhere you need to poop, no matter where it is or who is around to hear or smell - I actually carry around a small spray bottle in my pocket so I can continually spray (Febreeze, Glade, whatever) while I'm doing my thang.

At home, I burn incense lol - and the only thing I do differently when I have company or when I am dating is I shut the door.

OH NO YOU DI'INT!!!!

OH...OH....hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

[tantalizingfemme]

Originally Posted by Parker

Oh god, this thread - I am laughing so hard, I am crying over here!

You know, when you have IBS, you have to be ok with pooping anywhere you need to poop, no matter where it is or who is around to hear or smell - I actually carry around a small spray bottle in my pocket so I can continually spray (Febreeze, Glade, whatever) while I'm doing my thang.

At home, I burn incense lol - and the only thing I do differently when I have company or when I am dating is I shut the door.

My mother always complained that my father always pooped right before the guests would arrive at the house for a dinner party. She would grab the lysol and spray the entire upstairs. And because we were little and not invited, we were stuck in our rooms upstairs with the stink. (AND, she would leave the bathroom door wide open and not shut it to contain the smell)

To this day, whenever I small lysol spray, I always think it smells pooey.

[ruby_woo]

This thread is amazing. I can poop at work, at the mall, etc., and not a single fuck will be given, but there's a friend I have kind of a crush on and I CANNOT poop at his house. Or, if we're traveling and staying in a hotel together, I can't poop in the hotel either.

Unfortunately, he has no filter and will say things like "Wow, you sure did let out a big fart in your sleep last night." Thanks buddy.

We're going down to Bumbershoot in Seattle for the upcoming long weekend, and I am not looking forward to 3 days of not pooping. I'm hoping I can sneak away to Nordstrom for a few minutes, they usually have nice bathrooms.

[tantalizingfemme]

Originally Posted by Medusa

When Jackhammer and I were dating long distance I would fly to LA for a week or more and for at least the first 10 trips I would send her to the store.

Generally for Diet Dr. Pepper.

As soon as she pulled out of the driveway, it was a mad dash for the bathroom! Fling open the door, turn on the fan, pre-spray the area with Glade, open the window, crap as quickly as possible while flushing the whole time, and then when done you have to stand there fanning the door back and forth to force the smell out the open window.

Lmao... it sounds so stressful.

[Medusa]

Originally Posted by tantalizingfemme

Lmao... it sounds so stressful.

It was!!

What finally got me to just take my dump and be unapologetic about it was that we started having this giggling conversation about how we had been friends for 5 years and had talked about shit in almost every conversation. Jackhammer was like, "What is wrong that we talked about it for 5 years and nobody wants to do it?"

I was like, "You first, honey!"

Needless to say, I was visiting her when the urge hit and I was like "It's now or never in my head". So I boldly stood up and announced, "I'M going to POOP!"

Jackhammer laughed at me and I was all proud of myself.

Off I trotted to the bathroom and boldly crapped with her sitting just down the hall in the living room.

I was so proud of myself!

Until I tried to flush the toilet.

I flushed and nothing went down.

I flushed again and some of it went down and stopped.

The toilet gurgled.

Water started coming up toward the top.



I watched in HORROR as the toilet came within centimeters of overflowing and my "work" made stripes around the bowl.

I considered crawling out the window.

I ran water in the sink to try to make it sound normal.

I waited for the water to recede in the toilet enough that I felt safe flushing again.

I flushed.

Gurgle.

Nothing happened.

More water rose back up.

I realized at this point that I had plugged the toilet up.

Perhaps in my toilet paper zeal.

Perhaps because I had been holding it for 3 days.



I must have been in the bathroom for a long time because, next thing I know Jackhammer is in the hallway, mere feet from the door, asking if I'm ok.

"Uhhhhh.....", I said.

"Babe?", she said.

"Um. DON'T COME DOWN HERE!", I said.

"WHY?", she said.



"GET AWAY FROM THE DOOR, BABE!", I shriek.

"BABE! Tell me you are OK!", she said.

"I'm OK but I.......I need........"

"WHAT do you need?" she asks

"I NEED A FREAKING PLUNGER AND DON'T YOU SAY A FUCKING WORD!", I bark at her.

Needless to say, she bursts out laughing.

I burst out laughing.

And I am laughing so hard that when she says, "Come out of there and let me plunge it", that I literally fall back over the tub and almost rip the shower curtain down.

She wiggles the door handle at this point.

I am laughing and trying to yell at her to "GET. AWAY. FROM. THE. FUCKING. DOOR!" LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

I ended up sticking my hand through the door where she thrusts a plunger to me and I take care of the ordeal myself.

Yes, we laughed.

Yes, I was mortified.

Yes, it opened the floodgates for shitting because after that? I didn't give a fuck anymore. I mean, you can't really go back to being a secret shitter when you stop up the fucking toilet in your honeyboo's house.

[Novelafemme]

O

M

G

!

I am going to bed before I explode.

Amen.

[tantalizingfemme]

Originally Posted by Medusa

It was!!

What finally got me to just take my dump and be unapologetic about it was that we started having this giggling conversation about how we had been friends for 5 years and had talked about shit in almost every conversation. Jackhammer was like, "What is wrong that we talked about it for 5 years and nobody wants to do it?"

I was like, "You first, honey!"

Needless to say, I was visiting her when the urge hit and I was like "It's now or never in my head". So I boldly stood up and announced, "I'M going to POOP!"

Jackhammer laughed at me and I was all proud of myself.

Off I trotted to the bathroom and boldly crapped with her sitting just down the hall in the living room.

I was so proud of myself!

Until I tried to flush the toilet.

I flushed and nothing went down.

I flushed again and some of it went down and stopped.

The toilet gurgled.

Water started coming up toward the top.



I watched in HORROR as the toilet came within centimeters of overflowing and my "work" made stripes around the bowl.

I considered crawling out the window.

I ran water in the sink to try to make it sound normal.

I waited for the water to recede in the toilet enough that I felt safe flushing again.

I flushed.

Gurgle.

Nothing happened.

More water rose back up.

I realized at this point that I had plugged the toilet up.

Perhaps in my toilet paper zeal.

Perhaps because I had been holding it for 3 days.



I must have been in the bathroom for a long time because, next thing I know Jackhammer is in the hallway, mere feet from the door, asking if I'm ok.

"Uhhhhh.....", I said.

"Babe?", she said.

"Um. DON'T COME DOWN HERE!", I said.

"WHY?", she said.



"GET AWAY FROM THE DOOR, BABE!", I shriek.

"BABE! Tell me you are OK!", she said.

"I'm OK but I.......I need........"

"WHAT do you need?" she asks

"I NEED A FREAKING PLUNGER AND DON'T YOU SAY A FUCKING WORD!", I bark at her.

Needless to say, she bursts out laughing.

I burst out laughing.

And I am laughing so hard that when she says, "Come out of there and let me plunge it", that I literally fall back over the tub and almost rip the shower curtain down.

She wiggles the door handle at this point.

I am laughing and trying to yell at her to "GET. AWAY. FROM. THE. FUCKING. DOOR!" LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

I ended up sticking my hand through the door where she thrusts a plunger to me and I take care of the ordeal myself.

Yes, we laughed.

Yes, I was mortified.

Yes, it opened the floodgates for shitting because after that? I didn't give a fuck anymore. I mean, you can't really go back to being a secret shitter when you stop up the fucking toilet in your honeyboo's house.

My stomach hurts I'm laughing to hard.

I can just imagine the horror when you saw the water started rising... and the silent pleading for the water to stay in the bowl.....

[SugarFemme]

I am so shy about the bathroom "stuff", I have been reading this thread wanting, no DYING to post a funny experience but can't LOL. That's how bad I am, Tantalizing

[tantalizingfemme]

Originally Posted by OneOfAKind

I am so shy about the bathroom "stuff", I have been reading this thread wanting, no DYING to post a funny experience but can't LOL. That's how bad I am, Tantalizing

Sharing is caring. We won't judge you!!

[tantalizingfemme]

Originally Posted by Kätzchen

When I read this, tantalizingfemme, I said, *omg, me too!* --

meaning I blame my mother too!

(for some, not all, bathroom rules;
toilet paper issues, included)

I blame my mother for everything. And TP issues... oh gosh. I remember going to a friends house, I had to have been around 6, maybe 7, and her mother handed me ONE square of TP when I went to use the bathroom.

I wasted more money on the tons of soap and water I used to wash my hands then it would have to cost to hand over one or two more.

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by tantalizingfemme

I blame my mother or everything. And TP issues... oh gosh. I remember going to a friends house, I had to have been around 6, maybe 7, and her mother handed me ONE square of TP when I went to use the bathroom.

I wasted more money on the tons of soap and water I used to wash my hands then it would have to cost hand over one or two more.

My mother, bless her heart, was only trying to make sure I learned 'the rules' the right way - her mother, gramma, was not far behind her either!

LOL!

Matter of fact, I have to have practically a years worth of toilet paper in the bathroom cabinets (it's got a cabinet of its own) or I will feel like I don't have enough toilet paper - not to mention pads, tampons, shampoo, air freshener (I use scentsy's now), and music - got to have a radio or something in there.

[Kätzchen]

* three pages in less than five minutes*


LOL!


26 members present seconds ago
(several several 'guests')

[nycfem]

I have a double standard when it comes to farting. We live in a small NYC apartment, and farts linger. I ask BB to stand outside the apartment door if she has to fart, preferable outside the door of the Kluger's, the neighbors I don't care for who live adjacent to our apartment. BB grumbled about me being too neurotic but would open the door part way and gas towards the hall. Unfortunately, then when she'd close the door, half of it seemed to come right back in, propelled with vigor by the closing door! When I pushed the issue, I was accused of being anal and BB yelled that she'd be damned if she was going to go out in the hall, especially in only her underwear at night, just to do a fart ("What if someone happens to get off the elevator?! You're crazy!". Like the crafty femme that I am, I knew to let the issue go a bit and then approached her with the offer that after a total of five farts were done sufficiently outside our apartment, she would receive a present. I wish I was making this up, but I'm not. She perked up, and we had a deal. I ordered some crap from her Amazon wish list and like a child on Christmas, after her fifth fart outside the apartment, she eagerly tore into her present. If only this is where it ended. Our one bathroom is directly to the side of our bedroom. In other words, the two small rooms are connected by a door. While BB was sitting on the toilet I heard the tiniest of farts and said admonishingly in a low tone, "B...B..." (drawing out the "B"s). BB said, "What?! I am on the toilet! Who are you?! The fart police?!" Sadly, while I am controlling about her farts, I think I can be slick. I try to keep them quiet and use tricks such as quickly pulling up the blankets, off-handedly mentioning that one of the cats just used the litter box, or letting just a bit out at a time (when possible). Even sadder, I am told now and then by BB that I am certainly not fooling her. She just isn't as controlling when it comes to a partner expelling gas in the home, though one time she let out a primitive cry, like "Whoooo!" when I released a particularly foul one.

[tantalizingfemme]

Originally Posted by nycfembbw

I have a double standard when it comes to farting. We live in a small NYC apartment, and farts linger. I ask BB to stand outside the apartment door if she has to fart, preferable outside the door of the Kluger's, the neighbors I don't care for who live adjacent to our apartment. BB grumbled about me being too neurotic but would open the door part way and gas towards the hall. Unfortunately, then when she'd close the door, half of it seemed to come right back in, propelled with vigor by the closing door! When I pushed the issue, I was accused of being anal and BB yelled that she'd be damned if she was going to go out in the hall, especially in only her underwear at night, just to do a fart ("What if someone happens to get off the elevator?! You're crazy!". Like the crafty femme that I am, I knew to let the issue go a bit and then approached her with the offer that after a total of five farts were done sufficiently outside our apartment, she would receive a present. I wish I was making this up, but I'm not. She perked up, and we had a deal. I ordered some crap from her Amazon wish list and like a child on Christmas, after her fifth fart outside the apartment, she eagerly tore into her present. If only this is where it ended. Our one bathroom is directly to the side of our bedroom. In other words, the two small rooms are connected by a door. While BB was sitting on the toilet I heard the tiniest of farts and said admonishingly in a low tone, "B...B..." (drawing out the "B"s). BB said, "What?! I am on the toilet! Who are you?! The fart police?!" Sadly, while I am controlling about her farts, I think I can be slick. I try to keep them quiet and use tricks such as quickly pulling up the blankets, off-handedly mentioning that one of the cats just used the litter box, or letting just a bit out at a time (when possible). Even sadder, I am told now and then by BB that I am certainly not fooling her. She just isn't as controlling when it comes to a partner expelling gas in the home, though one time she let out a primitive cry, like "Whoooo!" when I released a particularly foul one.

I can't breathe.... lol

[nekohl]

Geez, I really need to go to bed but this thread is cracking me up! I can't stop