Making Peace with Exes

Fatale · 09-08-2012, 01:46 PM

I so like the idea of this thread. Just the other night I had a great, hour long conversation with an ex with whom I'd gone through a brutal break up. Grotesque, really, is the word that comes to mind when I think about how things went down. Her behavior was deplorable and mind certainly wasn't above reproach either. Far from it. I apparently elected to say to hell with dignity and acted the ass. Now, now I can laugh about it. 5 years ago, I would have never imagined speaking with her again, or that even thinking about that time in my life would feel any better than a bad toothache.

Not so long ago I had an epiphany about forgiveness. I had it in a moment when I was thinking about someone, "She doesn't deserve my forgiveness!". For some reason I had a flash of insight that while the she in question might not deserve it, I did. I do. I deserve to allow myself to let go. To breathe it out and just let it fucking go. It's not easy. It can be incredibly difficult, and I can be incredibly stubborn. I'm not really one to hold a grudge, but I will definitely mull things over for a long time.

I am now trying to embrace the lightness of spirit that comes with forgiveness. It feels good.

Abigail Crabby · 09-08-2012, 02:31 PM

I've come to that stage in my life where I have no regrets and can be friends with anyone I was once involved with.

I mean I loved them once - what is the purpose of hating them now......

Just my lil opinion.......

Ciaran · 09-09-2012, 08:38 AM

Making peace with exes is, for me, something that's sometimes easier in theory than in practice. I can hold grudges and have enough baggage that even Southwest would charge me luggage fees.

Generally, however, I've retained a level of friendships with exes. Sometimes, though, not until years after we broke up. I am now back on good, very friendly terms with my first long-term girlfriend whom I dated in my late teens although, despite for most of the intervening years living in the same city and having shared friends, we didn't talk at all for a decade or so. Making up has been very good.

I've a few other exes where we retain some interaction but there's often an underlying friction or the potential for friction which makes me uncomfortable. Generally, in these instances, esp. as I've genuinely lost any attraction I ever had for them, any contact is reactive only.

My most recent partner who lives in San Diego and some on here know. Well, we're fortunate in that, despite some two-way hurt, we have been able to recover from that and remain very close. We'll never get back together but I've "got her back" and, in my view, sometimes that's more important than romantic love. We still see each other regularly - I'm staying with her for a week or so later this month and she's coming over to Ireland at Christmas to spend time with my family (and, together with my parents, gang up and tease me relentlessly). That's a good result.

One or two exes didn't work out so well, including a lady I loved very much who committed suicide not that long after we broke up. I don't think I was to "blame" but I'm sure that I didn't help and, well, it didn't really allow for closure. However, as is life, sometimes we need to live through it and come out the other end as best we can.

tazz · 09-09-2012, 09:27 AM

at times, it is hard for me to maintain a friendship those i have been involved with.
why?
many partners/dates i had, i allowed them to ignore me, flirt with other ppl in front of me as i result i feel inadequate around them, allow them to two-time me, scold me instead of talking with me.
why did i allow this to happen?
my self-esteem, my self-worth... at times i felt desperate... and i OWN this.

the other times, when i was very aware of myself and who i am dating, i often found them either disappearing or afraid of committing.

with time i have come to be so independent, working very hard on ME, staying realistic...i know i'll find my Honest Love... i know she is out there

Fatale · 09-09-2012, 03:24 PM

I've been thinking about this a bit since my last post.

With a couple of my exes, regardless of how things ended and the fact that I might have wanted them off the planet or at least shut away in some distant gulag so I never have to see them again, there is still that evidently irrefutable sexual attraction thing that makes me weak in the knees should we actually find ourselves face to face. I've succumbed to it a time or three, I confess. I'm no angel. It fascinates me that I can be so aroused by someone I wish would simply vanish in a puff smoke before my eyes. Maybe that's it, huh? Maybe it's about the fact that I know I absolutely will not allow them in my life in any other capacity and that I won't ever have to again deal with their bullshit. Maybe it's just the old passion is passion thing, regardless of the flavor of it. It's sort of the ultimate no-strings attached assignation, and that absolutely works for me. I certainly can't call it "making peace" but it's definitely making something.

09-08-2012, 02:31 PM	#2
Abigail Crabby Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Queer Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Princess Relationship Status: Single, but sociable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Mount Airy, NC Posts: 4,226 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 14,554 Thanked 9,668 Times in 2,484 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	I've come to that stage in my life where I have no regrets and can be friends with anyone I was once involved with. I mean I loved them once - what is the purpose of hating them now...... Just my lil opinion....... __________________ Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. Marcel Proust Turns whatever happens to you into a positive...

09-09-2012, 09:27 AM	#4
tazz Member How Do You Identify?: Athlete/tomboi Preferred Pronoun?: she, her, cutie Relationship Status: Estoy recibiendo cómodo con él Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: you never know where i might end up ;) Posts: 1,365 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,807 Thanked 1,759 Times in 642 Posts Rep Power: 20456639	at times, it is hard for me to maintain a friendship those i have been involved with. why? many partners/dates i had, i allowed them to ignore me, flirt with other ppl in front of me as i result i feel inadequate around them, allow them to two-time me, scold me instead of talking with me. why did i allow this to happen? my self-esteem, my self-worth... at times i felt desperate... and i OWN this. the other times, when i was very aware of myself and who i am dating, i often found them either disappearing or afraid of committing. with time i have come to be so independent, working very hard on ME, staying realistic...i know i'll find my Honest Love... i know she is out there __________________ "She walks a different path than some of us, but those on her wavelength enjoy the journey with her." --DLOS

09-08-2012, 01:46 PM	#1
Fatale Member How Do You Identify?: Not your average babe in the woods. Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Singular Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: The edge Posts: 210 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 22 Thanked 896 Times in 166 Posts Rep Power: 12150547	I so like the idea of this thread. Just the other night I had a great, hour long conversation with an ex with whom I'd gone through a brutal break up. Grotesque, really, is the word that comes to mind when I think about how things went down. Her behavior was deplorable and mind certainly wasn't above reproach either. Far from it. I apparently elected to say to hell with dignity and acted the ass. Now, now I can laugh about it. 5 years ago, I would have never imagined speaking with her again, or that even thinking about that time in my life would feel any better than a bad toothache. Not so long ago I had an epiphany about forgiveness. I had it in a moment when I was thinking about someone, "She doesn't deserve my forgiveness!". For some reason I had a flash of insight that while the she in question might not deserve it, I did. I do. I deserve to allow myself to let go. To breathe it out and just let it fucking go. It's not easy. It can be incredibly difficult, and I can be incredibly stubborn. I'm not really one to hold a grudge, but I will definitely mull things over for a long time. I am now trying to embrace the lightness of spirit that comes with forgiveness. It feels good.

09-09-2012, 08:38 AM	#3
Ciaran Member How Do You Identify?: Altocalciphilic Preferred Pronoun?: Papa Smurf Relationship Status: Curmudgeonous spinster Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: London (but from Belfast) Posts: 678 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 471 Thanked 3,654 Times in 602 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Making peace with exes is, for me, something that's sometimes easier in theory than in practice. I can hold grudges and have enough baggage that even Southwest would charge me luggage fees. Generally, however, I've retained a level of friendships with exes. Sometimes, though, not until years after we broke up. I am now back on good, very friendly terms with my first long-term girlfriend whom I dated in my late teens although, despite for most of the intervening years living in the same city and having shared friends, we didn't talk at all for a decade or so. Making up has been very good. I've a few other exes where we retain some interaction but there's often an underlying friction or the potential for friction which makes me uncomfortable. Generally, in these instances, esp. as I've genuinely lost any attraction I ever had for them, any contact is reactive only. My most recent partner who lives in San Diego and some on here know. Well, we're fortunate in that, despite some two-way hurt, we have been able to recover from that and remain very close. We'll never get back together but I've "got her back" and, in my view, sometimes that's more important than romantic love. We still see each other regularly - I'm staying with her for a week or so later this month and she's coming over to Ireland at Christmas to spend time with my family (and, together with my parents, gang up and tease me relentlessly). That's a good result. One or two exes didn't work out so well, including a lady I loved very much who committed suicide not that long after we broke up. I don't think I was to "blame" but I'm sure that I didn't help and, well, it didn't really allow for closure. However, as is life, sometimes we need to live through it and come out the other end as best we can.

09-09-2012, 03:24 PM	#5
Fatale Member How Do You Identify?: Not your average babe in the woods. Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Singular Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: The edge Posts: 210 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 22 Thanked 896 Times in 166 Posts Rep Power: 12150547	I've been thinking about this a bit since my last post. With a couple of my exes, regardless of how things ended and the fact that I might have wanted them off the planet or at least shut away in some distant gulag so I never have to see them again, there is still that evidently irrefutable sexual attraction thing that makes me weak in the knees should we actually find ourselves face to face. I've succumbed to it a time or three, I confess. I'm no angel. It fascinates me that I can be so aroused by someone I wish would simply vanish in a puff smoke before my eyes. Maybe that's it, huh? Maybe it's about the fact that I know I absolutely will not allow them in my life in any other capacity and that I won't ever have to again deal with their bullshit. Maybe it's just the old passion is passion thing, regardless of the flavor of it. It's sort of the ultimate no-strings attached assignation, and that absolutely works for me. I certainly can't call it "making peace" but it's definitely making something.