Making Peace with Exes

Ciaran · 09-09-2012, 08:38 AM

Making peace with exes is, for me, something that's sometimes easier in theory than in practice. I can hold grudges and have enough baggage that even Southwest would charge me luggage fees.

Generally, however, I've retained a level of friendships with exes. Sometimes, though, not until years after we broke up. I am now back on good, very friendly terms with my first long-term girlfriend whom I dated in my late teens although, despite for most of the intervening years living in the same city and having shared friends, we didn't talk at all for a decade or so. Making up has been very good.

I've a few other exes where we retain some interaction but there's often an underlying friction or the potential for friction which makes me uncomfortable. Generally, in these instances, esp. as I've genuinely lost any attraction I ever had for them, any contact is reactive only.

My most recent partner who lives in San Diego and some on here know. Well, we're fortunate in that, despite some two-way hurt, we have been able to recover from that and remain very close. We'll never get back together but I've "got her back" and, in my view, sometimes that's more important than romantic love. We still see each other regularly - I'm staying with her for a week or so later this month and she's coming over to Ireland at Christmas to spend time with my family (and, together with my parents, gang up and tease me relentlessly). That's a good result.

One or two exes didn't work out so well, including a lady I loved very much who committed suicide not that long after we broke up. I don't think I was to "blame" but I'm sure that I didn't help and, well, it didn't really allow for closure. However, as is life, sometimes we need to live through it and come out the other end as best we can.

tazz · 09-09-2012, 09:27 AM

at times, it is hard for me to maintain a friendship those i have been involved with.
why?
many partners/dates i had, i allowed them to ignore me, flirt with other ppl in front of me as i result i feel inadequate around them, allow them to two-time me, scold me instead of talking with me.
why did i allow this to happen?
my self-esteem, my self-worth... at times i felt desperate... and i OWN this.

the other times, when i was very aware of myself and who i am dating, i often found them either disappearing or afraid of committing.

with time i have come to be so independent, working very hard on ME, staying realistic...i know i'll find my Honest Love... i know she is out there

Fatale · 09-09-2012, 03:24 PM

I've been thinking about this a bit since my last post.

With a couple of my exes, regardless of how things ended and the fact that I might have wanted them off the planet or at least shut away in some distant gulag so I never have to see them again, there is still that evidently irrefutable sexual attraction thing that makes me weak in the knees should we actually find ourselves face to face. I've succumbed to it a time or three, I confess. I'm no angel. It fascinates me that I can be so aroused by someone I wish would simply vanish in a puff smoke before my eyes. Maybe that's it, huh? Maybe it's about the fact that I know I absolutely will not allow them in my life in any other capacity and that I won't ever have to again deal with their bullshit. Maybe it's just the old passion is passion thing, regardless of the flavor of it. It's sort of the ultimate no-strings attached assignation, and that absolutely works for me. I certainly can't call it "making peace" but it's definitely making something.

09-09-2012, 09:27 AM	#2
tazz Member How Do You Identify?: Athlete/tomboi Preferred Pronoun?: she, her, cutie Relationship Status: Estoy recibiendo cómodo con él Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: you never know where i might end up ;) Posts: 1,365 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,807 Thanked 1,759 Times in 642 Posts Rep Power: 20456639	at times, it is hard for me to maintain a friendship those i have been involved with. why? many partners/dates i had, i allowed them to ignore me, flirt with other ppl in front of me as i result i feel inadequate around them, allow them to two-time me, scold me instead of talking with me. why did i allow this to happen? my self-esteem, my self-worth... at times i felt desperate... and i OWN this. the other times, when i was very aware of myself and who i am dating, i often found them either disappearing or afraid of committing. with time i have come to be so independent, working very hard on ME, staying realistic...i know i'll find my Honest Love... i know she is out there __________________ "She walks a different path than some of us, but those on her wavelength enjoy the journey with her." --DLOS

09-09-2012, 08:38 AM	#1
Ciaran Member How Do You Identify?: Altocalciphilic Preferred Pronoun?: Papa Smurf Relationship Status: Curmudgeonous spinster Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: London (but from Belfast) Posts: 678 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 471 Thanked 3,654 Times in 602 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Making peace with exes is, for me, something that's sometimes easier in theory than in practice. I can hold grudges and have enough baggage that even Southwest would charge me luggage fees. Generally, however, I've retained a level of friendships with exes. Sometimes, though, not until years after we broke up. I am now back on good, very friendly terms with my first long-term girlfriend whom I dated in my late teens although, despite for most of the intervening years living in the same city and having shared friends, we didn't talk at all for a decade or so. Making up has been very good. I've a few other exes where we retain some interaction but there's often an underlying friction or the potential for friction which makes me uncomfortable. Generally, in these instances, esp. as I've genuinely lost any attraction I ever had for them, any contact is reactive only. My most recent partner who lives in San Diego and some on here know. Well, we're fortunate in that, despite some two-way hurt, we have been able to recover from that and remain very close. We'll never get back together but I've "got her back" and, in my view, sometimes that's more important than romantic love. We still see each other regularly - I'm staying with her for a week or so later this month and she's coming over to Ireland at Christmas to spend time with my family (and, together with my parents, gang up and tease me relentlessly). That's a good result. One or two exes didn't work out so well, including a lady I loved very much who committed suicide not that long after we broke up. I don't think I was to "blame" but I'm sure that I didn't help and, well, it didn't really allow for closure. However, as is life, sometimes we need to live through it and come out the other end as best we can.

09-09-2012, 03:24 PM	#3
Fatale Member How Do You Identify?: Not your average babe in the woods. Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Singular Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: The edge Posts: 210 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 22 Thanked 896 Times in 166 Posts Rep Power: 12150548	I've been thinking about this a bit since my last post. With a couple of my exes, regardless of how things ended and the fact that I might have wanted them off the planet or at least shut away in some distant gulag so I never have to see them again, there is still that evidently irrefutable sexual attraction thing that makes me weak in the knees should we actually find ourselves face to face. I've succumbed to it a time or three, I confess. I'm no angel. It fascinates me that I can be so aroused by someone I wish would simply vanish in a puff smoke before my eyes. Maybe that's it, huh? Maybe it's about the fact that I know I absolutely will not allow them in my life in any other capacity and that I won't ever have to again deal with their bullshit. Maybe it's just the old passion is passion thing, regardless of the flavor of it. It's sort of the ultimate no-strings attached assignation, and that absolutely works for me. I certainly can't call it "making peace" but it's definitely making something.