social cues

lesbrarian · 09-12-2012, 09:51 AM

Does anyone else have trouble.. signalling their orientation and gender identity to other lesbians?

I realize that sounds kind of odd, but it's something I struggle with a lot. There is nothing distinctly queer about the way I present myself, and I feel like this is something that's important in meeting other queers because it's really awkward to just announce HI I'M GAY, ARE YOU?

This probably aligns itself in a lot of ways to femme invisibility. I see lots of other lesbians day to day on the bus and the street and on campus and I wish there was just some way of making some small connection that says "Hey! I recognize you and we have something in common!"

Gráinne · 09-12-2012, 10:07 AM

I look like SoccerMom. In fact, for a long time, I was one

. And while being gay certainly isn't all I am, it's an obviously big part. I also don't introduce myself with "Hi, I'm gay!" So I get it.

The only time anyone is sure, is at Reunion or Pride (but many straight people go to Pride, so that's not even a good example).

If you are in college, there's probably a GLBQ club on campus and you can find community there. Some find the courage to wear a rainbow something on their clothing, but that's not even a foolproof method. It's hard!

You made a good start by coming here

.

Soft*Silver · 09-12-2012, 10:10 AM

try being a lesbian dating a man....but he is a twister like I am too. People see him as a gay man. Its all confusing to the people around us, except to my family. They get us completely.

laruss · 09-12-2012, 10:17 AM

Sometimes it is as simple as how you look at or acknowledge other lesbians. Smiling and acknowledging in recognition. I am not sure how to explain that exactly, it is just something that I do.

I don't "look" gay at all, I guess it's that Femme invisibility. But, I have never had trouble being recognized.

I will often wear a rainbow pendant I have and I have seen quite a few other Femme's who wear different pendants out and about.

But, I think the most important thing is to get to know the community. Go to different events, volunteer for gay organizations, get yourself out there.

I was recently at a classic rock festival and I was standing in line and a woman behind me started chatting with me, neither of us looked gay, she noticed my rainbow necklace and grabbed it while pushing her tits into me and mentioned how she was new to the city and how difficult it was to meet people. I agreed with her and then explained how lucky I was to have found the Woman I want to spend my life with. She laughed and said, "was I really that obvious". We both laughed about it and then I told her about some local events. It was the pendant that caught her attention and was the "clue or cue" for her.

lesbrarian · 09-12-2012, 10:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guihong

I look like SoccerMom. In fact, for a long time, I was one

. And while being gay certainly isn't all I am, it's an obviously big part. I also don't introduce myself with "Hi, I'm gay!" So I get it.

The only time anyone is sure, is at Reunion or Pride (but many straight people go to Pride, so that's not even a good example).

If you are in college, there's probably a GLBQ club on campus and you can find community there. Some find the courage to wear a rainbow something on their clothing, but that's not even a foolproof method. It's hard!

You made a good start by coming here

.

I guess that is pretty true - even at the local gay bar, at least half the crowd is straight girls, so it's tough to state anything really loud and clear.

I was involved with the campus queer group for a while, but unfortunately have broken ties because of differences/lack of inclusiveness. Almost all of the lesbians I have that are my age in this community are really aggressive in some questionable politics (men are evil, monogamy is slavery, etc.) that I don't want to be involved in.

I've been trying to seek out any other local groups, but they seem very impromptu - older dykes that have been in the city a long time and know lots of people. Which is great, and it would be awesome to talk to them.

lesbrarian · 09-12-2012, 10:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by laruss

I was recently at a classic rock festival and I was standing in line and a woman behind me started chatting with me, neither of us looked gay, she noticed my rainbow necklace and grabbed it while pushing her tits into me and mentioned how she was new to the city and how difficult it was to meet people. I agreed with her and then explained how lucky I was to have found the Woman I want to spend my life with. She laughed and said, "was I really that obvious". We both laughed about it and then I told her about some local events. It was the pendant that caught her attention and was the "clue or cue" for her.

That's hilarious - I will definitely have to get some more rainbow gear.

I always try to smile when I recognize someone, I just get nervous that I might send the wrong message. I read an article once about a bi femme who was frustrated with finding community with other queers because she was dating a man. She told the story of smiling at a lesbian couple while she was waiting in line at a movie, and receiving dirty looks back because they thought she was patronizing them.

But, as I'm learning, you can't control how other people think of you. It's worth a shot!

The_Lady_Snow · 09-12-2012, 10:34 AM

I tend to be outed as soon as I speak, I'm a queer Femme that's hard to hide and stick out in a sea of feminine presentation. I like to think that's it's my politics, women empowered thinking and my Leather dynamics that make it so. My Pack thinks it's evolution in it's finest form.

*Anya* · 09-12-2012, 10:35 AM

It is always a problem when one is femme because we "look" straight.

You have to go to places where there are other lesbians.

Do you have MeetUps? You can find them online or you can start your own!

Where I live, there are tons. All ages and all types of activities.

girl_dee · 09-12-2012, 10:37 AM

Rainbow tattoo on the forehead and a 2x4 helps.

lesbrarian · 09-12-2012, 10:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I tend to be outed as soon as I speak, I'm a queer Femme that's hard to hide and stick out in a sea of feminine presentation. I like to think that's it's my politics, women empowered thinking and my Leather dynamics that make it so. My Pack thinks it's evolution in it's finest form.

Well, Leather politics are the best politics afterall.

The_Lady_Snow · 09-12-2012, 10:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lesbrarian

Well, Leather politics are the best politics afterall.

Well, I'm a lil bias with that particular opinion

..

Rope · 09-16-2012, 09:28 PM

I've had femmes walk across a smoking room at the airport and ask for a light to give me a "hint" that we might have something in common besides smoking....It's hard to bold but sometimes, ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

Rope--

SleepyButch · 09-16-2012, 09:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

Rainbow tattoo on the forehead and a 2x4 helps.

I think if I saw someone pull a 2 x 4 our of their purse in my presence, I would get the hint...hopefully before being wapped in the head... lol

bcelly1894 · 09-16-2012, 11:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

Rainbow tattoo on the forehead and a 2x4 helps.

That was funny.
But sometimes even after using your 2x4 that the person will come out of their stupor, And still not believe

you are gay.

I agree with all of the suggestions given though. I just thought the 2x4 idea was funny.

easygoingfemme · 10-04-2012, 06:57 AM

Yup. One time I was wearing a t-shirt that said "I like your beaver" with a cute (picture of a beaver on it - but still) and a rainbow bead necklace, and someone still told me they weren't sure if I was a lesbian.

Words · 10-04-2012, 08:10 AM

You would think that, in this day and age, one wouldn't have to 'look like' a lesbian to be recognized as one by one's own community.

I mean, what exactly does a lesbian look like or are we ourselves guilty of perputating the myth that there's only one way to be lesbian, namely, the way usually portrayed by straight folk (think truck driver sporting a mullet and wearing a rainbow coloured t-shirt)?

I don't know. Perhaps it's the circle I move in or the small town where I live (disproportionate number of queers) but when I look at a woman, then assuming she's not clearly with a guy, I never assume that she's straight...seems only fair given that I hate it when folks assume that I am.

Words

-Red-Flag- · 10-04-2012, 08:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

Rainbow tattoo on the forehead and a 2x4 helps.

All this time, I been looking for the wrong signs !

Ginger · 10-04-2012, 08:16 AM

I guess I don't care if strangers "get" me. I only care if people I know, "get" me. And if they know me, they get me (sorry for the circuitous logic, it's the best I can do...).

LipstickLola · 10-04-2012, 07:20 PM

Guess I'll go Google some type of pendent to wear! Hopefully, along with my direct eye contact, and "knowing" smile, I'll maybe attract some new friends

Signed..... still a hippy at heart single lesbian

Chelsius · 05-20-2013, 07:04 PM

I guess I look "very straight" to people, so I definitely do have trouble signalling lol.

09-12-2012, 09:51 AM	#1
lesbrarian Junior Member How Do You Identify?: baby dyke Preferred Pronoun?: she/her/lover Relationship Status: single Join Date: Sep 2012 Location: Canada Posts: 6 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3 Thanked 26 Times in 5 Posts Rep Power: 0	social cues Does anyone else have trouble.. signalling their orientation and gender identity to other lesbians? I realize that sounds kind of odd, but it's something I struggle with a lot. There is nothing distinctly queer about the way I present myself, and I feel like this is something that's important in meeting other queers because it's really awkward to just announce HI I'M GAY, ARE YOU? This probably aligns itself in a lot of ways to femme invisibility. I see lots of other lesbians day to day on the bus and the street and on campus and I wish there was just some way of making some small connection that says "Hey! I recognize you and we have something in common!"

09-12-2012, 10:07 AM	#2
Gráinne Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Neither, nada, out of the box Preferred Pronoun?: My name always works Relationship Status: Happy whatever happens Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Little Rock Posts: 1,864 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,118 Thanked 7,386 Times in 1,457 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I look like SoccerMom. In fact, for a long time, I was one . And while being gay certainly isn't all I am, it's an obviously big part. I also don't introduce myself with "Hi, I'm gay!" So I get it. The only time anyone is sure, is at Reunion or Pride (but many straight people go to Pride, so that's not even a good example). If you are in college, there's probably a GLBQ club on campus and you can find community there. Some find the courage to wear a rainbow something on their clothing, but that's not even a foolproof method. It's hard! You made a good start by coming here . __________________ The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one. ~Erma Bombeck

09-12-2012, 10:10 AM	#3
SoftSilver Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: rose cottage Posts: 5,594 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8,948 Thanked 15,897 Times in 4,064 Posts Rep Power*: 21474857	try being a lesbian dating a man....but he is a twister like I am too. People see him as a gay man. Its all confusing to the people around us, except to my family. They get us completely. __________________ Pole bachit, a lis chuye. The field sees, the forest hears

09-12-2012, 10:17 AM	#4
laruss Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She or Goddess Relationship Status: Settled in Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: Edmonton Alberta Posts: 1,322 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,849 Thanked 5,329 Times in 1,045 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	Sometimes it is as simple as how you look at or acknowledge other lesbians. Smiling and acknowledging in recognition. I am not sure how to explain that exactly, it is just something that I do. I don't "look" gay at all, I guess it's that Femme invisibility. But, I have never had trouble being recognized. I will often wear a rainbow pendant I have and I have seen quite a few other Femme's who wear different pendants out and about. But, I think the most important thing is to get to know the community. Go to different events, volunteer for gay organizations, get yourself out there. I was recently at a classic rock festival and I was standing in line and a woman behind me started chatting with me, neither of us looked gay, she noticed my rainbow necklace and grabbed it while pushing her tits into me and mentioned how she was new to the city and how difficult it was to meet people. I agreed with her and then explained how lucky I was to have found the Woman I want to spend my life with. She laughed and said, "was I really that obvious". We both laughed about it and then I told her about some local events. It was the pendant that caught her attention and was the "clue or cue" for her. __________________ Creativity is a drug I can't do without. -Cecil B. DeMille

09-12-2012, 10:34 AM	#7
The_Lady_Snow MILLION $$$ PUSSY How Do You Identify?: Kinky, Raw, Perverted, Uber Queer Alpha Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Iconic Ms. Relationship Status: Keeper of 3, only one has the map to my freckles Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: La Reina del Sur Posts: 22,488 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 32,231 Thanked 80,077 Times in 15,670 Posts Rep Power: 21474875	Thoughts I tend to be outed as soon as I speak, I'm a queer Femme that's hard to hide and stick out in a sea of feminine presentation. I like to think that's it's my politics, women empowered thinking and my Leather dynamics that make it so. My Pack thinks it's evolution in it's finest form. __________________ "If you’re going to play these dirty games of ours, then you might as well indulge completely. It’s all about turning back into an animal and that’s the beauty of it. Place your guilt on the sidewalk and take a blow torch to it (guilt is usually worthless anyway). Be perverted, be filthy, do things that mannered people shouldn’t do. If you’re going to be gross then go for it and don’t wimp out."---Master Aiden

09-12-2012, 10:35 AM	#8
Anya Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Lesbian non-stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Committed to being good to myself Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: West Coast Posts: 8,258 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 39,306 Thanked 40,445 Times in 7,285 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	It is always a problem when one is femme because we "look" straight. You have to go to places where there are other lesbians. Do you have MeetUps? You can find them online or you can start your own! Where I live, there are tons. All ages and all types of activities. __________________ ~Anya~ Democracy Dies in Darkness ~Washington Post "...I'm deeply concerned by recently adopted policies which punish children for their parents’ actions ... The thought that any State would seek to deter parents by inflicting such abuse on children is unconscionable." UN Human Rights commissioner

09-12-2012, 10:37 AM	#9
girl_dee Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: dee Relationship Status: Hitched up Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Livin’ the Dream Posts: 24,079 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,560 Thanked 54,829 Times in 13,908 Posts Rep Power: 21474874	Rainbow tattoo on the forehead and a 2x4 helps.

09-16-2012, 09:28 PM	#12
Rope Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: Hy Relationship Status: polyamorous Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: San Francisco Posts: 304 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 79 Thanked 1,277 Times in 212 Posts Rep Power: 8577864	I've had femmes walk across a smoking room at the airport and ask for a light to give me a "hint" that we might have something in common besides smoking....It's hard to bold but sometimes, ya gotta do what ya gotta do. Rope-- __________________ www.ButchFemmeSocials.com

10-04-2012, 06:57 AM	#15
easygoingfemme Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Lil' Miss Sassy Pants Preferred Pronoun?: She/her Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: My place by the river Posts: 3,692 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 7,023 Thanked 14,972 Times in 3,318 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Yup. One time I was wearing a t-shirt that said "I like your beaver" with a cute (picture of a beaver on it - but still) and a rainbow bead necklace, and someone still told me they weren't sure if I was a lesbian.

10-04-2012, 08:10 AM	#16
Words Member How Do You Identify?: Queer femme submissive Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: UK Posts: 969 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,449 Thanked 4,258 Times in 677 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	You would think that, in this day and age, one wouldn't have to 'look like' a lesbian to be recognized as one by one's own community. I mean, what exactly does a lesbian look like or are we ourselves guilty of perputating the myth that there's only one way to be lesbian, namely, the way usually portrayed by straight folk (think truck driver sporting a mullet and wearing a rainbow coloured t-shirt)? I don't know. Perhaps it's the circle I move in or the small town where I live (disproportionate number of queers) but when I look at a woman, then assuming she's not clearly with a guy, I never assume that she's straight...seems only fair given that I hate it when folks assume that I am. Words

10-04-2012, 08:16 AM	#18
Ginger Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme lesbian Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: East coast Posts: 2,416 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,829 Thanked 12,296 Times in 2,057 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I guess I don't care if strangers "get" me. I only care if people I know, "get" me. And if they know me, they get me (sorry for the circuitous logic, it's the best I can do...).

10-04-2012, 07:20 PM	#19
LipstickLola Member How Do You Identify?: Happy Preferred Pronoun?: she Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: planet Earth Posts: 682 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,679 Thanked 1,597 Times in 433 Posts Rep Power: 5678218	Guess I'll go Google some type of pendent to wear! Hopefully, along with my direct eye contact, and "knowing" smile, I'll maybe attract some new friends Signed..... still a hippy at heart single lesbian

05-20-2013, 07:04 PM	#20
Chelsius Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Queerdo Lady Unit Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: WI Posts: 76 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 33 Thanked 201 Times in 65 Posts Rep Power: 978931	I guess I look "very straight" to people, so I definitely do have trouble signalling lol. __________________ “Differences of habit and language are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open.” - Albus Dumbledore