Showing scars: what are your relationship fears?

[tazz]

my fears are abandonement; i also have a strong personality (i've toned it down a lot) and a lot of peeps choose not to deal with me instead of communicating.

few tend to have patience to get to know me to fully understand and adore me.

i take a lot, and i also give a lot in return...

who i have attracted has always been an issue, since my self-worth was not always that great... it's gotten a hell of a lot better.

i'm not afraid to up and move, since i consider myself a "mobile" individual. there are a few places i would rather live than in California.

do i have a handle on my issues...? You Betcha...

it's not always easy for me to meet and get into a relationship... i'm very jaded and cautious... but once i feel i can trust, my world and heart opens... and it wont take an ice pick to get there

i used to be a "people pleaser"... not so much anymore... either you like me and accept me or not...

~namaste'

[D Phryxus]

A lot of my relationship fears and concerns relate to my own self-esteem. i know this and admit to it.

I am poly and I am married to a man. WE have dated separately and we have dated the same person in both closed and open relationship.
The fears that developed after a few tries at dating the same person is a few of them about 3-6 months into dating have broken things off with me saying that they are only interested in my husband and do not find me sexually attractive.
This was a low-blow. I felt like it was the equivalent of taking my self-esteem and throwing it on the ground in order to stomp on a few times before throwing it into a meat grinder.
(side note: my husband did not continue dating these woman because he felt they were not open and honest enough about what they wanted and resented their treatment of me)

As someone who is naturally nervous about approaching women in general...the previosu relationships caused me to wonder if any woman would ever be interested in me.

I ended up dating again but I still have these insecurities about my own attractiveness, especially when it comes to sexual relationships.

[SirenManda]

My biggest relationship fear is feeling like I have to tone down my natural personality. I can come off stuck up if people can't realize I'm being sarcastic. I don't want to bottle all my comments and hold back how I feel because someone is overly sensitive. Needless to say, I can be hard to deal with.

[WheatToast]

Originally Posted by SirenManda

My biggest relationship fear is feeling like I have to tone down my natural personality. I can come off stuck up if people can't realize I'm being sarcastic. I don't want to bottle all my comments and hold back how I feel because someone is overly sensitive. Needless to say, I can be hard to deal with.

Seems like you'd be easy to deal with because you're so direct. I like that!
Anyway...
I've had a hell of a time trying not to overthink relationship issues.
I've had to overcome a lot of fixed beliefs and behaviors, like people pleasing, codependency, and erring on the side of being more reserved than I actually am.
I also had to learn that disputes happen, and if I don't advocate for my own position, she's not going to, either.
Also, I've had to release the belief that I was forever doomed to attract cheaters, users and liars.
Each time that's happened, I worried more and more that I would never find a woman whose values more closely matched my own.
To find my part in attracting some of these shady ladies, it took dragging myself back to early childhood and seeing how I learned to take on the role of the schlimazel (mom), because the schlamiel (dad) was a cheater and liar, which to me always seemed far more obnoxious, and even villainous.
I finally figured out I didn't have to choose either role, so I was free to give up my martyr's crown of thorns, and the lofty opinion I held of myself as being more moral than most. Ugh.
What fun it was to admit to myself that sometimes all I really want is to hit it and quit it. Turns out it's not scandalous; it's called being single.

I finally decided to turn all the complicated bits over to my higher power because I was exhausted trying to sort things out with women, romance and my bumbling assumptions.

Like a lot of butches, I'm often drawn to beautiful femme 'bad girls,' because they're usually sexy as all get-out and so much fun (until either my self esteem collapses because I think I'm not in her league, or one night she comes home late with rug burn on her back, smelling like some butch's Right Guard and Aqua Velva).

Even now, I'm slightly worried that someone will be offended by something I wrote, and lecture me about how I come off seeming too this or not enough that...but please don't.

[Chad]

I have posted here before. I have been both verbally and physically abused by femmes. I think this is an important topic and we need to develop a safe place for BF folks in an abusive relationship.

Before it was me I was arrogant about it. I thought that "if you are in danger just leave". Now I know how hard it is to leave. There are threats against you and your family.

Femmes can be violent too.

[Asari]

At times I'm afraid that I'll never have a relationship at all. Im not that old but I have never even held hands with someone.... except friends and family.

[JDeere]

Insecurity
Fear of being abused
Fear of being cheated on

[Shystonefem]

It's funny, I never had any insecurities until the last relationship.

I am afraid to open up now. Kind of like "anything you say can and will be used against you". I won't discuss my fears or dreams too freely.

I have a fear of being cheated on. I was a VERY trusting person, now, I am not sure that I would ever be as trusting again.

I am afraid of not being good enough. I don't want to have to try hard to be someone I am not, just to be accepted or considered good enough.

I am now a runner. I was never a runner before but now, I look for "warning signs" and, even though I am not dating anyone, I know for a fact that the first time I saw even a smidgen of my ex in someone, I would run. I look for reasons to not be interested and/or to equate others with my ex....

I am afraid to give my heart completely because I am now afraid that my heart will be crushed without thinking twice.

I didn't realize that I had soany fears until I thought about it. The old me is definitely not around anymore. I no have that spark of fearlessness when it comes to getting in a relationship.

[JDeere]

Rejection, is a really big fear for me.

[Daisy Chain]

Truthfully I know I am quite damaged through many experiences in life. But I can also say I have grown and healed a great deal in recent years, not least through the unconditional love and understanding from my loved one.

I few I can think of straight off are....gifts: I used struggle to allow Hym to send me things.....in my crazy childhood I always had to `pay` in some way if I received anything, either material or a nice experience, attention etc....so I have a default emotion of fear when I am blessed or happy about something...I have come a long way in this. Hy has finally taught me that Hys attentions and generosity do not have a price tag.

Another would be feeling `not good enough`....in many ways but one example would be that when we first found each other despite mailing and speaking on the phone for...wait for it.....maybe 6 months....it was only then I felt confident enough to send Hym my photo. It was all credit to Hym that despite asking a couple of times, when I stalled Hy would laugh and say it didnt matter as Hy adored me anyhow no matter what I looked like.

There are quite a few more but to be honest I dont really want to visit that head space for long so I`ll leave it there....

I would happily say that I am far more whole and healed now than I was few years ago.

Daisy