Attraction = physical, mental, emotional...

[Scuba]

Great thread. I'll just say that what some may find undesirable I may find completely captivating. So the question of the hour for me is what defines ugly or not pretty or not handsome? How many times have you been sitting there with your best friend, people watching, and you go "OOOOOOO NICE" and you get that "You're kidding right?"

Lots of factors influence attraction for me, including the physical look. But I'd like to think that there is no ugly only different definitions of "attractive".

The media really does on a number on us when it comes defining beauty and it's just downright disturbing to see what it can do to one's psyche.

Just my two cents...

Scoobs

[*Anya*]

I have been attracted physically and sexually but that lasts about an hour and then what? If I can't talk to you, I will never fall in love with you.

Brains, brains, brains and more brains.

Intellect and ability to stimulate my mind comes first and my body will follow...

[Nomad]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

I have been attracted physically and sexually but that lasts about an hour and then what? If I can't talk to you, I will never fall in love with you.

Brains, brains, brains and more brains.

Intellect and ability to stimulate my mind comes first and my body will follow...

see, i couldnt agree more with you about the ability to stimulate my intellect being the first thing i need for actual, rooted attraction. i've never, and i do mean NEVER, had a long lasting crush on someone who was merely attractive. in fact, i havent had a short term crush on someone who was merely attractive since puberty. it just doesnt phase me that much when someone is externally beautiful. so i wonder, am i less motivated by the beautiful people because i am not one of them?

by no means do i think that people who are physically attractive are also shallow and will only choose to be with people who are also physically attractive. (and again, that's a relative thing anyway.) BUT, is it possible that when you come up in life knowing that you're not what your culture dictates is attractive, do you automatically have a tendency to see past that sort of thing. of course, the supposedly "unattractive" person can be just as shallow as anyone else but it begs the question, do i look past "beauty" automatically because it was ingrained in me not to give any consideration to the fact that i was not beautiful myself?

[Electrocell]

One of the most beautiful women I have ever been with had had 3rd degree burn marks over 75% of her body and no she is not on this site. Her personality, good heart, and her intelligence , the way she treated me , my animals and my family is what made her beautiful. Yes the only ex I really care to be in contact with.

[Nomad]

bumping the question:

are we more likely to look past the physical if we believe that we, ourselves, are not physically attractive?

follow up thought:

i'm what my grandfather called "a fine, big girl". he meant it as a compliment and i took it as one. as a teen, any time someone said "there's a skinny girl inside of you, just waiting to come out" my response was always something like, "i know. i just ate her." i never cared that i was luscious until someone else suggested that i was a less than entity because of it.

the media interpretation of "beauty" aside, what defines your opinion of your own physical attractiveness?

did you compare yourself to others while you were growing up and, if so, whom? and why?

why are we more fascinated by and disparaging of the weight of some brilliant actress, like Gabourey Sidibe, than we are with say Jorge Garcia who gets more recognition on the street? (no offense Jorge but i didnt see a single episode of Lost)

[Gráinne]

Originally Posted by Nomad

bumping the question:

are we more likely to look past the physical if we believe that we, ourselves, are not physically attractive?

follow up thought:

i'm what my grandfather called "a fine, big girl". he meant it as a compliment and i took it as one. as a teen, any time someone said "there's a skinny girl inside of you, just waiting to come out" my response was always something like, "i know. i just ate her." i never cared that i was luscious until someone else suggested that i was a less than entity because of it.

the media interpretation of "beauty" aside, what defines your opinion of your own physical attractiveness?

did you compare yourself to others while you were growing up and, if so, whom? and why?

why are we more fascinated by and disparaging of the weight of some brilliant actress, like Gabourey Sidibe, than we are with say Jorge Garcia who gets more recognition on the street? (no offense Jorge but i didnt see a single episode of Lost)

I'll bite, but probably poorly

I never thought I was beautiful growing up. When it came time to date (infrequently), it's not so much that I looked past physical beauty as I ruled out anyone attractive as being way out of my league.

Now, today, I know the problem wasn't my looks, it was that I had so little self-esteem that not only did I rule out very attractive people, but I attracted people who were ugly on the inside. Either they didn't k now how to love themselves and had just as poor self-esteem as I did, or they were cruel and shut down inside. Either way, they couldn't love me. I didn't love me, so I attracted what I thought I deserved. I believe now that who we hang with reflect who we think we are.

Today I'm much heavier than I was then, but I actually find myself far more attractive now than back then. While I do enjoy movement for the purely vain reason of my appearance when I've done it for awhile, and I do naturally take care of my clothes and hair (nails, we're getting there), what seems to define my own physical attractiveness to myself is if I'm happy with my life and engaging in growing and changing, not just existing. I know that sounds really Pollyannish, and maybe I'm not expressing myself well. I can have the same hair, the same body and wear the same clothes, but on days when I'm mentally "on", I feel like Sex Queen of the Universe. That's not to say that taking care of the outside doesn't feel splendid; it's that from the inside, it's...sexier? Lord, I sound vain .

When I was a preteen, getting ready for puberty, I remember sneaking into my friend's garage with her and looking through her dad's Playboys. That's what I wanted to look like! Flat, taught stomachs and a good perky set above. I think this was way before airbrushing, and so those women may have actually been very realistic. My dad had a book of classic WWII pinups, and I loved to practice posing like Betty Grable in her bathing suit, or Rita Hayworth on her bed. I loved sensuality. Why? Again, I had little confidence in myself and hoped to heck I would grow taller so I could at least reach this standard I'd set in my head.

I have found in celebrity magazines that are aimed at women, that we're far more critical of other women than of men. We have "who wore it better?" and "best and worst beach bodies", all mainly women. We as a culture seem to judge women by what they wear and how they look, and men by their accomplishments. You hear of some actor's latest project and their work, but it's always about Jessica Simpson's weight.

I know that self-love and acceptance is lifelong for me, but I've come a long way from that. Part of it was when I was a life model in college, and far from thin, yet I felt like a Botticelli model . And that was just me, not pushing up anything or cramming anything into submission . I can say that there are times (and they are growing), when I can look in the mirror and say "You're actually kind of pretty". I want to be all about the positive now, while flattering the faults.

[Elijah]

I will admit, without shame, that what catches My eye is someones overall appearance and demeanor, initially.

However, this attraction will dissipate very quickly if she doesn't poses other, more important traits that I look for. Intelligence, kindness, grace, humor, loyalty, open mindedness, drive, and humanity are keys to keeping Me engaged.

Understand that I don't just expect those things from her, I also expect them from Myself...I must be willing to offer those (what I see as attractive traits) to expect them in return.

So, no shame...just truth.

Thanks for the thought provoking thread...

[Rockinonahigh]

Once I was told by someone they couldnt see a short butch being sexy,she was 6 ft in bare feet next to my 5' 4" in shoes.All I can say if thats how some folks feel,to bad they missed the boat.

[Scuba]

Originally Posted by Rockinonahigh

Once I was told by someone they couldnt see a short butch being sexy,she was 6 ft in bare feet next to my 5' 4" in shoes.All I can say if thats how some folks feel,to bad they missed the boat.

Word

[Rockinonahigh]

Originally Posted by Scuba

Word

Beleave me she wished she hadnt said that,I was a wolf on the prowl that night and had all kinds of sweet ladies on my arm as well as the dance floor...if ya got it rock it..no pun intended.

[Nomad]

Originally Posted by Rockinonahigh

Once I was told by someone they couldnt see a short butch being sexy,she was 6 ft in bare feet next to my 5' 4" in shoes.All I can say if thats how some folks feel,to bad they missed the boat.

that is so assinine. the person who rocks my world as the best lover of all time is several inches shorter than i am. i'm also hella tits and ass and tend to outweigh the people i date if they happen to be shorter than i am. i constantly smiled at the people i could see comparing us physically because they always ended up looking at my lover with a "damn you must be some hot shit to be able to handle her" look on their faces. it made me oddly proud. (and they were right....hot shit indeed)

[MissItalianDiva]

Hmm great topic. For me I would love to say that physical attraction is not important but I would be lying. Of course the first initial attraction is typically physical for me but with time what will hold my attraction is intellectual stimulation and emotional maturity.

I found the hard way that while looks are a great quality if a person does not possess the emotional or mental/intellectually qualities I value and need then they don't look so physically attractive any longer. Same goes on the flip side. I have met folks who I was not initially physically attracted to but as time progressed and I got to know them and we connected on an intellectual level they became very physically attractive to me.

I can't say one outweighs another for me but I can say it needs to be balanced in order for my attraction to remain. I am one of those people that once I see something that is unattractive I am immediately not interested. Perhaps it is not fair but it is the way I am.

[not2shygrrl]

What is attractive to me is their energy. The zap I get when someone enters a room, be it in person or even in chat. This works both ways, positive as well as negative. I am however human and physical attraction does have a part, but definitely lower on the scale. Things such as how she speaks, choices of words, tone, what she does not say is equally important. Without having a direct window into her inner self, there are attractions I feel from her just being her. Be that she is in a tool belt...or tu-tu. Although if I were to say observations of her are a huge factor, those observations have nary a thing to do with what she looks like. It has everything to do with her emotions and how she manages them. Her energy.........will make me *swoon* so c'mon.......zap me Baby!!

[FeminineAllure]

It is ALL about a strong foundation.
You can attract me by your looks in a head turn but inside over time become ugly.
If we share a friendship first. Then a foundation that includes communication, trust, respect, loyality... and a spiritual connection, it is likely to become a lasting attraction.
The entire package.

[Darbonaire]

Originally Posted by FeminineAllure

It is ALL about a strong foundation.
You can attract me by your looks in a head turn but inside over time become ugly.
If we share a friendship first. Then a foundation that includes communication, trust, respect, loyality... and a spiritual connection, it is likely to become a lasting attraction.
The entire package.

Absolutely..the entire package...& that takes time to truly "see" & appreciate...or not.....great post Allure.....as always..<smile>....

[Nomad]

you know, i'm just not turned on by looks. oh sure, a brief well hello there (fan)moment over a celeb or something from time to time but it doesnt bunch my panties on even a superficial personal level. now if someone is intelligent and funny and has that naturally dominant toppish energy that makes them cocky and charming and flirtatious then my knickers get twisted. confidence is sexy to the Nth degree and i hate --- also to the Nth degree --- when someone fakes it and i find out later that they dont really own it and they cant really bring it and they've been looking to me as their source for ego. i want the A-game, all day, every day, easy breezy beautiful because i'm worth it --- again, to the Nth degree i'm worth it, and i'm ready to prove it if you can prove that you can handle me and i'm a damn handful so put on your fireproof boxers. yes you can have an off day. yes you can ask my opinion, my advice, for my support and to be left off a pedestal. but if you're doing the role rather than being the person i'm vehemently not interested so dont pretend and dont medicate your lack of self esteem with me. i fall all over the place for natural authority. quiet, balanced, thoughtful, firm, not forced, unpretentious, still able to laugh at yourself, generous authority. i'm proverbially verklempt over it and you either have it with me or you dont. no insult, no fuss, no muss, it's just there or it isnt. i've been known to gravitate toward it in friends and acquaintance from time to time and even have a couple of role models on the Planet that embody that energy to the core. call it chemistry if you like. all i know is when you have it, i begin to think of you as You. i like that in my life. i like it a lot.

[Nomad]

Originally Posted by Scuba

Great thread. I'll just say that what some may find undesirable I may find completely captivating. So the question of the hour for me is what defines ugly or not pretty or not handsome? How many times have you been sitting there with your best friend, people watching, and you go "OOOOOOO NICE" and you get that "You're kidding right?"

Lots of factors influence attraction for me, including the physical look. But I'd like to think that there is no ugly only different definitions of "attractive".

The media really does on a number on us when it comes defining beauty and it's just downright disturbing to see what it can do to one's psyche.

Just my two cents...

Scoobs

great two cents!

agreed! the media brainwashes us into thinking this person is sexy or that person is not and so we consume and avoid those things we think will put us half an inch closer to what is favored at the moment. kings and queens used to do similar things by wearing certain fashions or adopting certain habits. we're such imitators that when some queen or other happened to admire pregnancy women's fashions changed in order that their skirts could be gathered up and looped over a belt to create the illusion of weight near the belly. (cant remember who - will run off and look when i'm done posting)


i like your idea that we shouldnt indugle "ugly" so much and, instead, think of it as "different definitions of attractive". normally, as a homely chick, i'd roll my eyes a little at the idea of adding another compassionate saying to the list of things we tell homely kids when they hit puberty ("you're beautiful to me", "you're just going through a phase", "you have a great personality") BUT i actually agree with you on this one because YES it has happened that i'll say, "look at that cute sweater" and my friends will say "huh? what? where? oh no you dont!" (jerks) so i dont think you're missing the mark at all!