Can a poly/mono work?

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

Also, i feel MONO means two people and no one else, period.

i would not consider myself mono if i entered into a relationship where my partner had other lovers. Am i wrong here?
----------------





I like to view my world as poly-dementional. Poly being the key word, this could mean:


A- is monogamous to B not because A is not allowed to not be in other dynamics but because A feels and decides that B is fulfilling all needs. Even though A is mono now it doesn't mean A has to stay that way, A has consent and there's an understanding A can find X if they choose to.

[The_Lady_Snow]

There are also scenarios where A & B are both seeing other Alphabet characters outside of their dynamic:


A has a relationship with LMN

B may only have a relationship with Z


Z may be involved with W who happens to not be kinky/a foodie/ a person who likes travels so W is totally fine with Z finding U and doing those things with them.

Poly relationships are as different as the people involved the key is transparency.


PS

I meant to say dimensional not dementianal in post 62 I can't fucking correct it on my damn iPhone so sorry for the misspelling

[The_Lady_Snow]

One of my favorite things about poly is that it doesn't have to be complicated it could be as easy as S and N having a commitment that completely devoid of sexual activities or sexual connections!

[QueenofSmirks]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

One of my favorite things about poly is that it doesn't have to be complicated it could be as easy as S and N having a commitment that completely devoid of sexual activities or sexual connections!

Yes, and we don't often think of them that way, and almost never discuss it. I'll pull out my annoying definition once again of "loving more than one"... A sexual component is not required.

[Mel C.]

Originally Posted by QueenofSmirks

Yes, and we don't often think of them that way, and almost never discuss it. I'll pull out my annoying definition once again of "loving more than one"... A sexual component is not required.

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

One of my favorite things about poly is that it doesn't have to be complicated it could be as easy as S and N having a commitment that completely devoid of sexual activities or sexual connections!

I agree! If I could still edit my post, I'd add the disclaimer that the question specified "lovers" which I interpreted to be sexual but it may not have been meant that way.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

One of my favorite things about poly is that it doesn't have to be complicated it could be as easy as S and N having a commitment that completely devoid of sexual activities or sexual connections!

Exactly! The boi and other boi that have been part of Syr's leather family are not connected sexually to any of us.

[Rook]

I think as long as both can commit to their emotion for each other, and the monogamous individual is genuinely sincere in their decision in accepting their poly companions other needs, or desires...and on that same token the poly individual respects their monogamous companions feelings and listens to any concerns{and even slight jealousies, which could happen..they're both human}, it's possible...
I'm even curious as to the opinion on perhaps Asexual Polysensuality..negating the sexual side...but the attraction's there, on a different level...


I think essentially it's a matter of how each person views their relationship should or could work best once emotion is invested enough to know u can Trust your better half.

[Arwen]

For me personally? No. And yes, I've tried it. More than once. Every time was a colossal failure.

Why? Partly my own insecurity but also my poly partner's seeming need to always find someone else, someone new. As if the current group wasn't enough. I couldn't handle it at all.

Then my partner (who claimed to have given up poly for me even though I never asked her to do that) asked if she could "be friends" with someone. I lost it. Ballistic and sick with rage, I self-destructed and ruined that relationship.

I will never (and yes, I mean never) do poly or any form of it again.

That having been said, I personally know at least two poly families. One of them has been together for more than 15 years so I know it can work. Just takes the right people with some damned strong self-confidence. In my opinion.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Rook

I think as long as both can commit to their emotion for each other, and the monogamous individual is genuinely sincere in their decision in accepting their poly companions other needs, or desires...and on that same token the poly individual respects their monogamous companions feelings and listens to any concerns{and even slight jealousies, which could happen..they're both human}, it's possible...
I'm even curious as to the opinion on perhaps Asexual Polysensuality..negating the sexual side...but the attraction's there, on a different level...


I think essentially it's a matter of how each person views their relationship should or could work best once emotion is invested enough to know u can Trust your better half.

i would need a definition of asexual polysensuality before i could comment.

Insecurity and jealousy are human, but they don't have to be a dealbreaker.
Having a partner who has behaviors that are not 100% honest and sincere are dealbreakers. i trust until i have a reason not to, one little untruth is a big ole dealbreaker for me.

[girl_dee]

Although i am not sure what exactly you are curious about Rook, i will say that i think problems arise when two people go into a relationship that are not matched on the sexual scale, or rather are on opposite ends of the spectrum.

For ME for example, Sex is not at the top of the list. *All else* is up there. Sex is what happens after all the *all else* has taken place.

For others sex is most important, then the *all else* happens.

For me, if you want to have sex with me on Friday, things need to be good since Monday. i can't turn it on and off. i have been in relationships where things were good any my partner was not interested in sex, my going out to get another lover would not have fixed that.

i feel the ONLY way poly can work is if that first relationship is rock solid. If there is resentment and unhappiness around sex, getting another partner isn't going to fix that.

[JDeere]

It seems that I am in a poly relationship and I am a mono by what this thread is saying.

I might need to re read more but it seems that this is what I am in.

Lord help me

[imperfect_cupcake]

I've just re-read the thread because it popped up and there is a lot of good stuff here.

However, I think after as many years and partners as I've had, and different kinds of relationships (open triad, polyfidelity triad, monog, non-monog [open only to sex with others, not new romantic relationships], polyamorous in a non-family way but primary partners with secondary partners, and poly as in no primary partners)
That there are two things I find really important to distinguish -
And that's the difference between jealousy and possessiveness.

Jealousy is the feeling you get when you feel something you deserve and not receiving is given to someone else. Like that sick feeling in your gut when you feel ignored and unappreciated, taken for granted, and your partner appears to be chatting up someone across the room. It feels awful and erasing. It has to do with feelings of self value and relationship value.

Possessiveness is the feelings of anger when someone you don't know is *leaning on your car* YOUR car. Wtf?? What kind of disrespect is that. Leaning on MY fucking car. They have no concept of respecting other people's property.

Except, substitute "car" with "partner" and "leaning" with "talking/flirting/touching" and it implies rights of ownership and you setting the boundaries of ownership.

Personally? I can deal with people struggling with ownership. It has nothing to do with me and their anger is directed at other people, not me. I tend to roll my eyes and tell them good luck with that. And I can tease them about it if they are able to accept and laugh at themselves. But I can't cope with those who cant understand that possessiveness is their own problem and can't laugh at themselves about it. I get it too sometimes, and it's easier to joke about to let go of, for me.

Jealousy is different. It's insidious and a core esteem issue as well as an issue about attention. And if there is an imbalance in how much attention someone just naturally gives people and how much someone craves, it will throw a huge wrench into any open or poly relationship. The five love languages are a big deal here. So is levels of attention, companionship desires. I will feel smothered if someone constantly focuses on me, I don't like being the centre of constant attention, I feel like I can't breathe. Someone else may lap that up. So bring in another person into that discrepancy and it's pouring fuel on a massive potential problem that *will* combust at some point.

Just passing thoughts and learning lessons as I saw this thread come up again.

Would I be in another monog relationship after the one I posted about? Maybe. But it would take me a really long time to trust monogamy now, and most monogamous people I know in dykeland don't have the patience to not be monogamous until trust is establish.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by JDeere

It seems that I am in a poly relationship and I am a mono by what this thread is saying.

I might need to re read more but it seems that this is what I am in.

Lord help me

You say this like you haven't consented to it.

That's not good.

It sounds like a serious, everything on the table discussion needs to be had.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by Gemme

You say this like you haven't consented to it.

That's not good.

It sounds like a serious, everything on the table discussion needs to be had.

There has been some discussion on things but this poly/mono came up on here and from what I am reading it sounds like my relationship. That's what I was referring to.

[kittygrrl]

I would say very rarely..it doesn't mean it can't but even when it's consensual...not really...for awhile but not for the long haul..there needs to be balance and in such a relationship it's incredibly hard...imo.........it leads to unhappiness...you're basically talking about a polygamous experience...ie. fundamentalist Mormons, who I'm personally very familiar with...even for Jesus, hard to live, happily...easier perhaps among pagans, but not by much, sharing the same bed, helps...again, by personal experience...

[nina03]

Originally Posted by kittygrrl

I would say very rarely..it doesn't mean it can't but even when it's consensual...not really...for awhile but not for the long haul..there needs to be balance and in such a relationship it's incredibly hard...imo.........it leads to unhappiness...you're basically talking about a polygamous experience...ie. fundamentalist Mormons, who I'm personally very familiar with...even for Jesus, hard to live, happily...easier perhaps among pagans, but not by much...again, by personal experience...

So, I'm in a relationship with someone who is monogamous. He only is ever with me, in any sense of that. I am poly and date others. We have loved each other for sixteen years, and been in a deeply committed relationship for nine. We got married six years ago. Our relationship is truly for the long haul. We have balance, we are both getting our needs met, and we work very hard at communicating what we want here. You're right that this is not for everyone, but I'm living proof that it's possible and can result in a healthy dynamic if we commit to it. In a polygamous relationship in the Mormon sense, there doesn't often seem to be true consent on the part of the women. My beloved spouse consented to this with his eyes wide open, and that is a very big difference. He is committed to me being all of who I am, including this part of me. In turn, I am committed to his happiness, too. His monogamy is about his behavior, he understands that it does not have to control mine. I know we are not the rule. We've poured years of work into our relationship, where many would have given up. That work has paid off in a marriage that is deeply loving, supportive, sexy, and fun.

[kittygrrl]

Originally Posted by nina03

So, I'm in a relationship with someone who is monogamous. He only is ever with me, in any sense of that. I am poly. We have loved each other for sixteen years, and been in a deeply committed relationship for nine. We got married six years ago. Our relationship is truly for the long haul. We have balance, we are both getting our needs met, and we work very hard at communicating what we want here. You're right that this is not for everyone, but I'm living proof that it's possible and can result in a healthy dynamic if we commit to it. In a polygamous relationship in the Mormon sense, there doesn't often seem to be true consent on the part of the women. My beloved spouse consented to this with his eyes wide open, and that is a very big difference. He is committed to me being all of who I am, including this part of me. In turn, I am committed to his happiness, too. His monogamy is about his behavior, he understands that it does not have to control mine. I know we are not the rule. We've poured years of work into our relationship, where many would have given up. That work had paid off in a marriage that is deeply loving, supportive, sexy, and fun.

You're lucky...and I know luck has nothing to do with it..but you understand it's very rare..the work and love involved would be incredible..i admire well constructed relationships..blessings <B

[NitroChrys_Butch]

Originally Posted by fever

This thread deals with questions about myself and relationships of the past. I am thrilled to see so many thoughts on the subject. I have learned a lot about myself over the past few years. I still don't know how poly femmes do it.

Do you think that it is mostly a butch who wants to be poly, especially one who ID's as a Top/Dominant, or are there just as many femmes who can't or don't want to have one partner???

Candice

You asked whether it is mostly Butches who want the poly relationship and I can only speak for Myself. When things became serious with a particular woman I was dating I had explained to her that I felt at some point in My life I would be in a poly situation/relationship although at the time I had no idea how it would happen or what the dynamics could and would be. I was not thinking of being a collector but of simply being involved with more than one person.
NOW I am. I am married and she comes first. She is always at the core of everything I do. I have a submissive butch as well. I care for hym deeply and probably always will no matter where this journey leads us. They are both monogamous with Me while I am not. Although to say "it is complicated" is the understatement of the year
It CAN work but it takes commitment and the desire to make it happen. Communication... everyone has said it. Honesty ... absolutely.

[JDeere]

I think it can work if the work is put into the relationship, communication is key in my opinion. Keeping an open dialogue between all parties is good, so noone feels like there is any problems not being addressed, etc.

[candy_coated_bitch]

I tried once. I was the mono half in the couple. Omg, it was nothing but a headache and struggle to reach compromise. It did NOT work and I would never try again. Just for me personally. Good luck to those who try!