Can a poly/mono work?

[Rook]

I think as long as both can commit to their emotion for each other, and the monogamous individual is genuinely sincere in their decision in accepting their poly companions other needs, or desires...and on that same token the poly individual respects their monogamous companions feelings and listens to any concerns{and even slight jealousies, which could happen..they're both human}, it's possible...
I'm even curious as to the opinion on perhaps Asexual Polysensuality..negating the sexual side...but the attraction's there, on a different level...


I think essentially it's a matter of how each person views their relationship should or could work best once emotion is invested enough to know u can Trust your better half.

[Arwen]

For me personally? No. And yes, I've tried it. More than once. Every time was a colossal failure.

Why? Partly my own insecurity but also my poly partner's seeming need to always find someone else, someone new. As if the current group wasn't enough. I couldn't handle it at all.

Then my partner (who claimed to have given up poly for me even though I never asked her to do that) asked if she could "be friends" with someone. I lost it. Ballistic and sick with rage, I self-destructed and ruined that relationship.

I will never (and yes, I mean never) do poly or any form of it again.

That having been said, I personally know at least two poly families. One of them has been together for more than 15 years so I know it can work. Just takes the right people with some damned strong self-confidence. In my opinion.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Rook

I think as long as both can commit to their emotion for each other, and the monogamous individual is genuinely sincere in their decision in accepting their poly companions other needs, or desires...and on that same token the poly individual respects their monogamous companions feelings and listens to any concerns{and even slight jealousies, which could happen..they're both human}, it's possible...
I'm even curious as to the opinion on perhaps Asexual Polysensuality..negating the sexual side...but the attraction's there, on a different level...


I think essentially it's a matter of how each person views their relationship should or could work best once emotion is invested enough to know u can Trust your better half.

i would need a definition of asexual polysensuality before i could comment.

Insecurity and jealousy are human, but they don't have to be a dealbreaker.
Having a partner who has behaviors that are not 100% honest and sincere are dealbreakers. i trust until i have a reason not to, one little untruth is a big ole dealbreaker for me.

[girl_dee]

Although i am not sure what exactly you are curious about Rook, i will say that i think problems arise when two people go into a relationship that are not matched on the sexual scale, or rather are on opposite ends of the spectrum.

For ME for example, Sex is not at the top of the list. *All else* is up there. Sex is what happens after all the *all else* has taken place.

For others sex is most important, then the *all else* happens.

For me, if you want to have sex with me on Friday, things need to be good since Monday. i can't turn it on and off. i have been in relationships where things were good any my partner was not interested in sex, my going out to get another lover would not have fixed that.

i feel the ONLY way poly can work is if that first relationship is rock solid. If there is resentment and unhappiness around sex, getting another partner isn't going to fix that.

[JDeere]

It seems that I am in a poly relationship and I am a mono by what this thread is saying.

I might need to re read more but it seems that this is what I am in.

Lord help me

[imperfect_cupcake]

I've just re-read the thread because it popped up and there is a lot of good stuff here.

However, I think after as many years and partners as I've had, and different kinds of relationships (open triad, polyfidelity triad, monog, non-monog [open only to sex with others, not new romantic relationships], polyamorous in a non-family way but primary partners with secondary partners, and poly as in no primary partners)
That there are two things I find really important to distinguish -
And that's the difference between jealousy and possessiveness.

Jealousy is the feeling you get when you feel something you deserve and not receiving is given to someone else. Like that sick feeling in your gut when you feel ignored and unappreciated, taken for granted, and your partner appears to be chatting up someone across the room. It feels awful and erasing. It has to do with feelings of self value and relationship value.

Possessiveness is the feelings of anger when someone you don't know is *leaning on your car* YOUR car. Wtf?? What kind of disrespect is that. Leaning on MY fucking car. They have no concept of respecting other people's property.

Except, substitute "car" with "partner" and "leaning" with "talking/flirting/touching" and it implies rights of ownership and you setting the boundaries of ownership.

Personally? I can deal with people struggling with ownership. It has nothing to do with me and their anger is directed at other people, not me. I tend to roll my eyes and tell them good luck with that. And I can tease them about it if they are able to accept and laugh at themselves. But I can't cope with those who cant understand that possessiveness is their own problem and can't laugh at themselves about it. I get it too sometimes, and it's easier to joke about to let go of, for me.

Jealousy is different. It's insidious and a core esteem issue as well as an issue about attention. And if there is an imbalance in how much attention someone just naturally gives people and how much someone craves, it will throw a huge wrench into any open or poly relationship. The five love languages are a big deal here. So is levels of attention, companionship desires. I will feel smothered if someone constantly focuses on me, I don't like being the centre of constant attention, I feel like I can't breathe. Someone else may lap that up. So bring in another person into that discrepancy and it's pouring fuel on a massive potential problem that *will* combust at some point.

Just passing thoughts and learning lessons as I saw this thread come up again.

Would I be in another monog relationship after the one I posted about? Maybe. But it would take me a really long time to trust monogamy now, and most monogamous people I know in dykeland don't have the patience to not be monogamous until trust is establish.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by JDeere

It seems that I am in a poly relationship and I am a mono by what this thread is saying.

I might need to re read more but it seems that this is what I am in.

Lord help me

You say this like you haven't consented to it.

That's not good.

It sounds like a serious, everything on the table discussion needs to be had.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by Gemme

You say this like you haven't consented to it.

That's not good.

It sounds like a serious, everything on the table discussion needs to be had.

There has been some discussion on things but this poly/mono came up on here and from what I am reading it sounds like my relationship. That's what I was referring to.