Important things I learned from past relationships

[Medusa]

And see, I have a very different take on the "once a ____, always a _____" because I do believe people can change.

I think that people sometimes get caught up in their own junk and keep repeating patterns but I do think that people can also have an epiphany and say to themselves "Wow, I don't want to live my life this way anymore".

I'm certainly one of those people.

While it takes a lot of work to break patterns and make changes, it *is* possible. I think it's hard to accept sometimes because there are a lot of folks in this world who make it to their 50's and 60's and still don't know how to tell the truth or live authentically. And somehow, folks who want to keep lying to people or deceiving them or hustling them are always the ones at the end of the day sitting around going, "I dont know why my life is in shambles" or "I dont know why *everyone* is out to get me!!".

That's really sad to me.

The positive is that people who really want to change, can. I'm a fan of "Watch how I live" in this case. You can tell me all day long that you are "changed" but until I see you actually *being* changed, I'll keep my distance!

[Heavenleahangel]

One thing that rings true in my head is what my Mama always said: "Ya can't hide crazy for long!" My gut instincts are usually spot-on and if I think something just ain't quite right, give it time...they may be on their best behavior *now* but like she said: Ya can't hide crazy for long!
You can't truly love someone until you know their good side and their BAD side.

[PinkieLee]

Some things I have learned and continue to learn every single day....

#1 rule... you've gotta love yourself before you can love anyone else! YOU have to be happy with you ~ no one can do that for you!

Communication... say what you mean and mean what you say. No passive aggressive or mindreading bullshit, tell me what you want/need.

Speak up when something is bothering you! Even if you think it's small or petty, those little things can add up quick in your head and you start feeling resentful.

Having hobbies outside of the relationship. Just because I don't like to golf, doesn't mean she should give it up. And I won't drag her to any jewelry making classes We are all individuals with likes and dislikes... we should embrace that!

[WingsOnFire]

Originally Posted by PinkieLee

Some things I have learned and continue to learn every single day....

#1 rule... you've gotta love yourself before you can love anyone else! YOU have to be happy with you ~ no one can do that for you!

Communication... say what you mean and mean what you say. No passive aggressive or mindreading bullshit, tell me what you want/need.

Speak up when something is bothering you! Even if you think it's small or petty, those little things can add up quick in your head and you start feeling resentful.

Having hobbies outside of the relationship. Just because I don't like to golf, doesn't mean she should give it up. And I won't drag her to any jewelry making classes We are all individuals with likes and dislikes... we should embrace that!

I have to say that these are all things I have to agree with. Great advice!

[macele]

Originally Posted by PinkieLee

Some things I have learned and continue to learn every single day....

#1 rule... you've gotta love yourself before you can love anyone else! YOU have to be happy with you ~ no one can do that for you!

Communication... say what you mean and mean what you say. No passive aggressive or mindreading bullshit, tell me what you want/need.

Speak up when something is bothering you! Even if you think it's small or petty, those little things can add up quick in your head and you start feeling resentful.

Having hobbies outside of the relationship. Just because I don't like to golf, doesn't mean she should give it up. And I won't drag her to any jewelry making classes We are all individuals with likes and dislikes... we should embrace that!

this post by PinkieLee pretty much says it all. a friend told me a long time ago that if it's just a box of cereal that is mine, ... let there be something in the house that belongs to only me. we do, we need our space and our things.

i am a quote addict, so i'm going to leave you all with two. now the second one, i like to think RuPaul is meaning that we should speak up ... say what is bothering us in a relationship. sometimes we have to get loud about it. since i try to never let anyone hear me say mf, ... it's being typed, you all are not hearing me say that LOL.


“If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else!”
― RuPaul

“My goal is to always come from a place of love ...but sometimes you just have to break it down for a motherfucker.”
― RuPaul

[StrongButch]

That even if you love someone sometimes you have to walk away.

• If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.
  
• Change is possible for anyone. Wholesale change at that. I'm reminded of it every time I attend a recovery meeting.
  
  and in the age of the internet...
  
  
• Anyone can talk a good life/love/hardluck-story game but you gotta follow them home...in a non-stalkerish, metaphorical sorta way ... to find out the real truth of how they live their life. More simply, don't take everything you're told on face value until you've seen it for yourself in on a consistent basis in real life. No matter how compatible they sound for you.

[Nomad]

i've learned that breaking up leaves an empty spot inside of you when it's the right thing to do and leaves you feeling empty inside when it's not

[FemmeBibliophile]

Originally Posted by StrongButch

That even if you love someone sometimes you have to walk away.

This is very true. Sometimes it's what's best for you, and sometimes it's what's best for them (even if they themselves can't see it).

[Bèsame*]

Things I've learned..and still learning..

I am not the fixer. I spent too many years trying to fix you, change you to be the better person you can be. What I learned about that, you are who you are. I'm not going to settle for bad habits or traits I don't like. I can only change myself. So I choose to change and not accept those things.

Trust. No matter how convincing you sound, I will always be waiting for the shoe to drop. Naive as it seems, I have trusted to much and it rips me up in the end. You will always have to earn my trust. Thus, the wall around my heart.

[*Anya*]

I have no words of wisdom for anyone else since I have none for myself.

Yet.

Still working on it, as well as insight not gained to date.

[asphaltcowboi]

not to make her my priority when im only an option
not to take to heart things said during a beak up .. but do analize them. if its something that has been said before maybe consider changing that habit.
when my relationship is on the rocks maybe its time to put my friends aside and focus on our problems. my friends will be ok with out me for now.
not to take advice from others about my relationship.(they dont know just how things are)
dont toss up someones past actions,lifestyle,or words every time there a heated discusion.
never club lovers into a catgory like your the same as every other butch/femme ive knowen.
never think you better or worse then anyone.. we are all equil.
we have all done things wrong in the past and the past needs to stay the past an not used as a tool to get one up on the other.
win lovers fight there is no right wrong or winner.

[JustJo]

I'm with Medusa in that I believe people can change....

I also believe that people don't ever really change for another person...they change only because they really want to, and are willing to do some seriously hard work.

For me it boils down to "actions speak louder than words" and this...



I've been in relationships that nurtured all the worst parts of me....jealous, angry, insecure, resentful, exhausted and pissy....and relationships that nurtured the best parts of me....caring, providing, nurturing, protecting and loving.

At this point in my life I don't know if that's because the first were crappo people while the latter were good....or if every relationship is a mirror, and what is reflected varies as each highlights different parts of who and what is already inside me.

I'm far from perfect...and I don't expect perfection in a partner either.

What I do insist on is that the person I'm with be fundamentally kind, always honest with me, and that the parts of me that reflect in that relationship mirror are those of my better self, and not my worst. If someone brings out the worst in me, then I need to go.

[Kobi]

Originally Posted by JustJo

I'm with Medusa in that I believe people can change....

I also believe that people don't ever really change for another person...they change only because they really want to, and are willing to do some seriously hard work.

For me it boils down to "actions speak louder than words" and this...



I've been in relationships that nurtured all the worst parts of me....jealous, angry, insecure, resentful, exhausted and pissy....and relationships that nurtured the best parts of me....caring, providing, nurturing, protecting and loving.

At this point in my life I don't know if that's because the first were crappo people while the latter were good....or if every relationship is a mirror, and what is reflected varies as each highlights different parts of who and what is already inside me.

I'm far from perfect...and I don't expect perfection in a partner either.

What I do insist on is that the person I'm with be fundamentally kind, always honest with me, and that the parts of me that reflect in that relationship mirror are those of my better self, and not my worst. If someone brings out the worst in me, then I need to go.

This rings true to me as well.

If I am not feeling like me or acting like me, it is time to go.

It not a reflection on the other person either. It just means we didnt fit well together.

[Rockinonahigh]

Afue years ago I was in a relationship with someone I really thought knew as we had ran in the same circles for years.First it started off as a working /friendship thing..I know sounds corney but that is what it was.The first two years were all I ever wanted to have..untill one day I saw something that made me do a double take.I wasnt shure what I herd or saw was really what was there so I ignored it,then it happened again,and again.I understand not jumping to conclusions or over analiseing things but when it came to compramiseing my core values by jusy being silent it became a stick in my craw bad.I did voice my thoughts in private with her but it only got worse.I hung in things but over and over it became worse in time till it only took a look or touch or deed to shut me away finaly to walk out on it all.No joke I lost the relationship by my own choseing only to end up loseing the work I had chosen for my life work with anamals(horses)..I sold my own personal horses to keep them safe from harm a long way from hear.Yes,she paid her own price way deeper than mine over time.This broke me in ways I never knew till I started therapy a fue months ago.The things that have come out in the sessions surprise even me,I lost the ablity to trust someone back in my life..I put a wall up of steel to protect me,im only now realiseing how high the wall is or how far it will come down.

[princessbelle]

I don't analyze past relationships all that much.

When it doesn't work it just doesn't.

If it doesn't work for one then it's unfair to stay for the other one, no matter which way the feelings swing.

Then....
when it does work, it just does.

[Sachita]

OMG I was just thinking about this last night and today. I'm doing a lot of soul searching these days. Its like a whole new leg of the journey where I evaluate things and see whats really important. Of course you look back on what worked and what didn't.

The most important thing I learned was to take my time. To look closely and not base my relationships on sex or to fill voids within me. No person can fix you. I've learned to ask a lot of questions and to be careful but at the same time not get all crazy and fearful. I learned to have fun, go slow and if its meant to be it will be. I can't force it.

[Arwen]

Originally Posted by Medusa

And see, I have a very different take on the "once a ____, always a _____" because I do believe people can change.

I think that people sometimes get caught up in their own junk and keep repeating patterns but I do think that people can also have an epiphany and say to themselves "Wow, I don't want to live my life this way anymore".

I'm certainly one of those people.

While it takes a lot of work to break patterns and make changes, it *is* possible. I think it's hard to accept sometimes because there are a lot of folks in this world who make it to their 50's and 60's and still don't know how to tell the truth or live authentically. And somehow, folks who want to keep lying to people or deceiving them or hustling them are always the ones at the end of the day sitting around going, "I dont know why my life is in shambles" or "I dont know why *everyone* is out to get me!!".

That's really sad to me.

The positive is that people who really want to change, can. I'm a fan of "Watch how I live" in this case. You can tell me all day long that you are "changed" but until I see you actually *being* changed, I'll keep my distance!

What I've learned is that people can change but I had to change first. The patterns in my own relationships were due to my choices. Not one of them said I had to be with them or else.

I chose them.

Once I identified my bad choices, I was able to take responsibility for my own actions.

Once I took responsibility for my own actions, I was able to make different choices.

Once I made better choices, I was able to have relationships that, even when ended, were left to the mellow notes of friendship rather than the bitter dregs of "they hurt me".

For me, it's been my choice all along. Once I realized that, it was a different world.

[girl_dee]

People can change! one thing i have learned since Katrina is not to sweat the small stuff and to pick my battles.

Another thing is that circumstances change. Like if i had my overbearing mother living with me, was fighting an addiction and
my housing and finances are not stable it's probably not a good time to move
someone in. I always thought love could fix all but even the best love struggles
under outside stress.

Getting settled and grounded before inviting someone
in is only fair to everyone.

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by Medusa

And see, I have a very different take on the "once a ____, always a _____" because I do believe people can change.

I think that people sometimes get caught up in their own junk and keep repeating patterns but I do think that people can also have an epiphany and say to themselves "Wow, I don't want to live my life this way anymore".

I'm certainly one of those people.

While it takes a lot of work to break patterns and make changes, it *is* possible. I think it's hard to accept sometimes because there are a lot of folks in this world who make it to their 50's and 60's and still don't know how to tell the truth or live authentically. And somehow, folks who want to keep lying to people or deceiving them or hustling them are always the ones at the end of the day sitting around going, "I dont know why my life is in shambles" or "I dont know why *everyone* is out to get me!!".

That's really sad to me.

The positive is that people who really want to change, can. I'm a fan of "Watch how I live" in this case. You can tell me all day long that you are "changed" but until I see you actually *being* changed, I'll keep my distance!

I believe people can change many things. They can change their proprieties, learn more about relationships and how they relate to the world. they learn lessons and hopefully that propels them forward.

People that are habitual when it comes to lying, deceiving, manipulation etc. there are some who I feel are even psychopathic. These people IMO do not really change.

This is what I've notice with big barkers- they come in like a tornado and fizzle out. People aren't stupid but because they have perfected their line of bullshit and collect a pity party around them until everyone finally catches on. Then all of a sudden they disappear or they float around in the background preying on any newbie who hasn't caught onto their game- yet. lol

sorry but I have no filter for this nonsense. These people don't change. They just change their username.