Dating other femmes exes: what do you think?

[aishah]

When I say "Femme Sister" it is not a blanket term for ALL Femmes. I am referring to someone that I trust implicitly. I also have family of choice who are Butch and male, as well as straight. Not everyone in my orbit is even Gay.

But here, in this space, for this topic, I am speaking of women with whom I have more than a passing relationship with. The ones that know me beyond screen name and understand how I operate, the good and the not so cute.

I think the difference here is that many of us have been able to develop deep, personal and important relationships with other Femmes and some haven't.

If you're not friends with Medusa and she and Jack break up, I can see why it would feel just fine to move in on that.

I'm sure that road could go a number of ways, another Butch goes after Jack, a Femme goes after Medusa. Some errant Bear steals a car from Yellowstone and drives to Arkansas to woo Medusa back to his OR her cave. But here, in the Femme Zone, I'm talking about Femmes, friendship and loyalty.

i don't think the difference is that some of us have best femme friends/chosen family and some of us don't.

i've been family with my best femme friend since fourth grade and would fly across the country to bail her crazy ass out of jail. i've been with my partner for seven years and known him for over half my life.

if he and i had a messy breakup tomorrow and they started dating next week and i knew nothing about it, to me, that would indicate some serious communication issues that needed to be dealt with immediately (on all sides).

if, after three months or six months, we were actually having good communication and sarah talked to me about it first and they wanted to date, i'd be just fine with that. i'd probably warn them both about what they were getting into first with each other :P i'd still care deeply about them both. i'd still fly across the country to help either of them in a heartbeat. if i had some feelings of jealousy, i'd handle them.

i don't feel that that's morally wrong. or disloyal. or against any code of friendship. or "choosing sexytimes over friendship." or any of the other things people have said in this thread. i don't necessarily think that i have to agree with everyone who is a part of my chosen family on that in order for them to be in my chosen family. i don't think there's any sort of unwritten mutual agreement we need to have about it.

if the situation were reversed, i'd do the same thing - i would talk to that person - whether it was someone i'd known for over half my life or someone i met just this year on the planet or an acquaintance. and if i valued their role in my life and they had super strong feelings about it, i would probably choose not to pursue a relationship with their ex unless they became comfortable with it. but i don't assume they'll react one way or another.

[aishah]

Originally Posted by June

Aishah -- I'm fine with whatever floats your boat. Really. I just don't operate like that, and the people I'm close to don't either. And if they started to get real messy and wreak havoc with a lot of peoples lives, we'd be having a come to Jesus.

I don't like messy. And I don't think there's just one person for anyone. I don't think that any of my close friends partners are my potential soul mate that I can't live without. I don't think any of my Butch or Male friends are my potential soul mate that I can't live without.

I don't care what goes on after I'm dead. Even June has to give up control at some point.

amen! especially to the "just one soul mate." and the giving up control. that sort of thinking even -i- think is weird, LOL.