Friends of Bill W.

Originally Posted by Nat

Hi my name is Natalie and I've realized Bill is more than just an aquaintance. Glad this thread is here.

Hello there Nat, I'd like to offer a welcome to the thread too. I hope you find inspiration from Sherrie's writing as much as I do.

Got anything to say or ask about addiction, whatever the variety of addiction, then just say or ask it. There's no daft questions, only questions you don't know the answer to...yet!

Please don't assume that friends of Bill means only addicts from the 'anonymous' fellowships can partake here. Many of us do seem to align ourselves thus but there are those who take what they call a secular approach. No matter what, it seems all the methods of gaining and maintaining 'sobriety' are peer support led.

Who better to support an addict than another addict who's been through it huh?

Again, welcome

[LeftWriteFemme]

October 18

MY HEROINE


The corpse that is my childhood is mine to protect from the wolves and rats of denial and collusion. The infant who commits suicide in self-defense is my heroine. The pure thinking of an uncluttered mind seizes on the only possible way for me to survive. Her death at her own hand is my rescue. If the bad had killed her I would have died with her. In her plan, I was left as the seed she ejected in her assent. She is gone from this place; I feel her only as the wisp of memory. The tiny body laid flat on the carpet, her pressed pinafore somehow more alive than she, is the unfinished business of prevention. As long as I see her there and do not walk away from my responsibility and never forget she protected me with the life she never lived, I am free to live this life.


Throw ice cubes up for God to catch.

*
Earl Grey is not my Friend

Scabby knees is what I look for;
I need to be with those who climb,
not those who slide.

I hate to say it, but looking cool
and sitting on the sidelines
does nothing for me or my sobriety.

I have to build those calluses,
require patches in my clothes,
carry a hammer to pound in those spikes.

If I don’t see tools in your hands
and bodily evidence that you have been using them,
I really don’t have time for you.

This is a “let’s go, lets go” kind of recovery for me
and if it isn’t for you then have fun
and I hope you have a good seat,
but I am not staying for your tea party;
I have no time for tarts.

[LeftWriteFemme]

Dear God, may people treat me tomorrow the same way I treated them today. Thank you. Amen.

Patti O.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've met Patti O. and this sure seems a dangerous prayer......lol

Originally Posted by LeftWriteFemme

Dear God, may people treat me tomorrow the same way I treated them today. Thank you. Amen.

Patti O.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've met Patti O. and this sure seems a dangerous prayer......lol

Who is Patti O? .......just found her online and listening to her as I type

From my own pov that's a really risky prayer.

[LeftWriteFemme]

October 20

WALKING JOY HOME


I make sure to walk joy home not because I doubt her ability to find it alone, rather because it gives me extra time with her. I used to fear joy, that I would be intoxicated by her presence and lose my well-hardened grasp on realism. Now I see that without joy in my life there is no realism, that it was only cynicism masquerading in its place. Joy is simple and unassuming. I often confuse her with ecstasy and scoot away in shy terror. Joy is nice to have around. She is not just a party animal; sometimes I invite her over for a cup of tea. When we are done I take the winding path to savor every step up to her door.


If you can’t lay down your burden move it from hand to hand.
*

Resilience

When I experience trauma or drama
my heart and soul return to the toddler state;
I feel the urge to stay up and push forward.
I resist help and rest.

I try to override animal need in favor of intellectual prowess.
Bleary eyed and red-faced, I soldier on,
only managing to make my life into a ceaseless fight.

My charm and wit wear thin; then wear out.
I need to recharge my batteries,
need to hit reset and restore my default settings.

It is hard for me to accept that I must lie down
in order to get up again.
Restoration is impossible to achieve from my battle stance.

Resilience is a bouncing ball.
What I want to rise I must first throw down.

[LeftWriteFemme]

October 21

REFLECTIONS OF YOU


When people meet me they listen and stare, then the familiar words tumble from their mouths, “there is something about you.” I know it’s the reflection of every person I saw at the meeting last night, the sober voices that created them, also the mirror of years spent in rooms just the same. I know this is what is seen in me. The bright light shines on me and the prism of time fans the colors to my new acquaintance. I thank my Higher Power for letting me be a spectral instrument and I am grateful to the fellowship for shining the light on and through me.


Recycle absolutes into planters.
*



Canine Comprehension


I wonder what it is that the dog knows.
True love, quantum physics,
the ratio of lift to thrust required to make the ball fly,
how food shared from my plate
is better than food from her bowl.

This begs the next question.
What do I really know; song lyrics, nursery rhymes,
old scores from old grudges?

What I hope I have learned;
is the space it takes to keep an open mind,
the willingness required to make a real change,
and the width, depth and breath of honest affection.

If I haven’t learned these things
I will put them at the top of my list of things to do.
Because I believe I can teach this old dog a few new tricks.

[LeftWriteFemme]

October 22

THE PRIVILEGE OF SUN RISE


I wake, happily, at 5:30. I will again see the show beyond compare. In stark contrast to the mornings I filled with moping or sober angst, shades of the same dark color, I shuck my covers, bathing and dressing with purpose, and propel myself forward. I hate to miss the first act. Dawn, the tint of clouds dusky and sweet. I’m on my route; I start my open-eyed prayer. For all those living at the hands of an addict, Be with them. Please. For the addicts, help us all to fail fast.
I scan the horizon, checking all the views. I reflect on the striking change, earthbound green and gold, sky held pink, orange and blue. The silhouettes of trees exquisitely lit from behind, the sweet moon sharing the sunrise with me, add to the pleasure of my drive. I start my gratitude list. Beginning with my sobriety...each moment, the people, the life, the thinking, the feeling, and my ability to share it all with you.


Don’t become overly fond of nothingness for it may consume you.
*

Jacks


Born crazy, is that better than becoming deranged?
Do birth affects excuse my unrepentant glee?
Does irrepressible sardonic wit
explain the order of restless exposition?

Can you count on Cicadic enthusiasm to carry me,
or flightless fancy to keep me down?
I am beyond redemption, beyond reception, beyond device.

I arrived riddled with chaotic cracks,
but I am more than just a glaze
and deep down I’m more than sound,

So walk with my wild side
and your thoughts I’ll rearrange.

[LeftWriteFemme]

October 19

MARMALADE


Marmalade, bitter and sweet, spread across my spiritual toast; zest and sticky solution mix and cover the surface. I bite down taking in the start of my day. Past this point anything is possible, fame or disaster, a dreary fog-filled morning or cloudless afternoon. Seeing the passing populous, I alternately advance and retreat from this human wall. Response and responsibility tattletale their way to my reactionary will. The tightrope sways over river of potential; balance is more than a desire, it is a necessity. So I enjoy my breakfast tea and watch the marmalade melt as I dip my bread in my well-steeped brew. The parade will start soon enough; I need this time before I launch into the fray.


Start a fire in your mind.
*



Self Importance


When I am over sensitive and everything
that everyone does looms large for me,
I am more likely to think
that I am a driving force in the lives of others.

It’s a funny connection in the same way
that when I scratch the dogs tummy her foot paddles;
when I am not getting my needs met
I tend to believe I am in this world
to meet the needs of others.

Often when in this mindset I also delude myself further
to worry that I may be the only person
who can help these other people.

I have been training myself to throw a flag
on any and all plays where I am that important.
I try to bring all action to a stop
and get right sized about who I am
and how important I am and to whom and why.

It’s not that I don’t have value,
I have the same value as everyone else,
but when I shortchange my needs and my feelings,
over responsibility to others mushrooms
and this is not good for anyone; me least of all.

As with most things,
if I find out what is right for me
it tends to be right for those around me,
even if I can’t see that at the time.