Everything you wanted to know about dating...

*Anya* · 11-08-2012, 08:34 AM

I want to talk a little bit about how butches and femmes find each other!

I always read people that post on BFP and that live in towns all across the USA, that write that there are no butches or femmes in their town.

I always want to ask how they try to meet them?

We have to be more creative and take some risks!

I am not on Match.com or OK Cupid but have looked at them and saw profiles all across America, in the most unlikely places! More than a few profiles specified "looking for femmes", "looking for butches".

Some even had user names like: "Looking4myButch" or "Femme4You". Can't get more clear than that!

There are MatchUp activities everywhere. They have activities ranging from dances, to hikes, to golf/camping/house parties, dog-walking on the beach, learning country line-dancing; etc. There are so many activities that pop-up on my email I can't keep track. There are also butch-femme groups for under 40 and butch-femme groups over 40.

I do understand that I live in a large metropolitan area, but you might be surprised to find that there are MatchUps near you and at the activities you will find. It is low-key and they always are around fun, non-meat-market-type of shared activities.

Just some thoughts on things to do or to look for, because we will never find "the one" if we just expect them to find us!

ScandalAndy · 11-08-2012, 01:53 PM

I think this has already been said, but ask them out! For me one of the most important things is to not sit around and wait for somebody else to make the first move. If you think you might be attracted to someone, or notice somebody out and about, talk to them! I got bit in the ass a couple times when I pulled that creeper move of standing near them and looking at them a lot, stubbornly waiting for them to talk to me first. At the end of the night they left with the person who came up to them and started a conversation.

That being said, I LOVE it when someone asks me out. I'm so used to being the one who does all the "chasing" that it tickles me pink when the other person asks me first, and they are much more likely to get bonus points for that.

And now I have a question: From time to time I will get a compliment on my hair or outfit. I was taught by my mother to say thank you and smile, but that's all I know how to do. I am usually overwhelmed with embarrassment and blush before running away afterwards. What if this is someone trying to start a conversation with me? Is there a better way to respond that can be done by a girl who sucks at accepting compliments? How do I find out if this is just a passing compliment, or an invitation to chat?

*Anya* · 11-08-2012, 02:43 PM

Great question Andy!

The compliment is the best ice breaker of all.

I always try to keep in mind that the other person is just as nervous as I am and maybe more. That person screwed up their courage to walk across the room (or wherever) to come and give you that compliment and are probably worrying that you will tell them to get lost or will turn your back on them.

No matter how insecure or self-conscious that I may be feeling, I try to set myself to the side to put the other person at ease.

Everyone likes to talk about themselves. Ask a question or give them a compliment in return ( a genuine one, if you mean it): "Thank you, I was admiring your shirt, too. That looks really good on you". Or, "I love your crew-cut. How often do you have to get it cut?"

Open ended questions work better than ones that can just be answered yes or no.

These don't work in every case but are some things that I have used to keep the interaction going.

We always assume that the other person won't like us, when it may very well be the other way around! In that case, I smile and say, "It was nice talking with you and thanks again for the compliment" and go on my way.

SaltyButch · 11-09-2012, 08:34 PM

Oh this is a wonderful thread...the stories I could share. It's been said a few times already that the initial meeting really shouldn't be a "date" it should be a meeting to see if there is a reason why you might want to date. The online experience and real time experience can be different so if you are meeting do something that you both enjoy which may help put you at ease. This initial meeting of course happens for me after I have had some online or phone conversation, if I cannot hold a conversation with you then there is no real point in meeting because communication is key for me.

The worst date I have ever had was a blind date for Pride...I know...I know...I should have known better, we went to a roof party and people I didn't even know were telling me to ditch the girl, I couldn't my integrity would not allow me to...we proceeded to meet some of her friends, she introduced me by the wrong name, and yes I still persevered.

We all went to a restaurant for dinner, thankfully I got along with one of her friends, and looked at this person with disbelief as my "date" leaned over across the table and said to her other friend in a not so quiet voice, I don't think she likes me....and her friend said you think it might have to do with the fact you called her by another name. Lawd save me now, we left and I took her home, and vowed never ever to do a blind date for Pride again. This same girl called me up and said hey you never called me....I wonder why.

Soft*Silver · 11-09-2012, 09:10 PM

I have dated alot. Alot. So much that amongst my friends, I am pretty much considered the lucky one.

I google everyone. Sorry if its an invasion of privacy. I dont look up your property taxes but I want to see your FB page. I want to know if you belong to hate groups. I want to know you arent married. I wouldnt dream of looking up your IQ but I might look up your dating profile on other sites.

I always talk on the phone first. Alot. And I ask a ton of "what if" questions to get a sense of personality, values and character. Ex: What if the woman you dated a few times suddenly had a death of a close family member. Would you be willing to attend the funeral and calling hours with her?

I make sure everyone knows I am DATING. Not IN a relationship the moment we meet. Lesbian Uhaul is a common theme. And I date more than one person unless I am in a committed relationship.

Recently, one of my acquaintances locally was going on match sites. She smiled at a woman, they talked once on the phone, and she began calling her her GF. Seriously? There was a presumption on her part that something was going to happen between them since they had similar interests. Well hell, so what if people like to read the same kind of books and like to watch The Big Bang Theory? So do many many other people, including those who you would hate to be around! It scares me to think of how sudden we bond!

dykeumentary · 11-09-2012, 11:14 PM

I was just reading the thread in the Femme Zone about flirting in a non-LGBT space, so this topic flowed nicely.

If/when I want to date someone, it usually comes after a few successful flirting experiences. I don't think google has a "flirting" function yet, so that's not where I'd go to get insight on a date. I pursue dates, and name them dates when I ask a woman out. I'm too old and grumpy for long distance or online dating.

I flirt early and often. As a "handy person" I'm hired to go into people's houses (mostly straight women), make them feel comfortable and happy. There's an unfortunate power dynamic, because they "need" my skills and I "need" their payment. So one way to smooth the way through that is for me to flirt with them. It's an old contractor trick, and a stereotype that I suppose I should be embarrassed to embody.

Anyway.

I tend to be interested in women who are passionate about SOMETHING. Our ability to convey our passion in a way that turns the other person on is what makes a date hours long, or 15 minutes long.

Dating is about discovering someone as an independent entity. I want to date someone who will enchant me with tales of what they're reading, doing, competing in, performing and dreaming of. If each of us isn't SuPER interesting when we're single, I don't expect we will be more interesting once in a relationship. And that doesn't bode well...

Its my responsibility to be charming and fascinating and challenging and self-sufficient. That's my recipe for successful dating.

Ginger · 11-10-2012, 08:48 AM

I like to have written correspondence with someone for a while before we go on a date. I can miss social cues in person (likewise, I can send them unintentionally), so I like to see the words on the page because I "read" that information best of all.

I'm by nature a friendly, playful person and I've realized that that is sometimes taken as flirting, when I don't intend it. I try to be conscious of that and if it happens repeatedly, I avoid the place where it happened, either online or in person, figuring that it's just not my "scene." When I find a pocket of reality where people really "get" me, I treasure it and return there as much as I can.

I'm not looking for someone to date; I'm still or maybe I should say, re-involved with my girlfriend whose house I just moved out of, but I guess I'd say that when I do flirt, it's through humor. In my family, when people really like each other, they tease and poke fun at each other, not in unkind ways, but in ways that say, "I see you better than anyone else in the world and I'm noticing little things that are unique to you."

That said, I tease any of my friends I really like, and that's not flirting. I went out with my best straight-guy friend last night, and I always tease him a lot and make him laugh at himself. He started doing the same to me, which I never get, and I love. We have a lot of "in" jokes that come from how well we know each other.

That's just friendship, and here's the difference between that and flirting: When I got home, I talked with my girlfriend on the phone, and teased her mercilessly, which was fun. She always knows more than anyone else in the room about any goddamn thing that comes up and I like to cut right through that and point out how cynical and overly serious and sometimes officious she is. It catches her off guard—I don't think it happens much in her life—and she laughs like a little kid. Sometimes there is a daring quality in my tone, as if I'm daring her to defy my "take" on her, and it completely disarms her. There is none of that with the friend I went out with last night, none of that "Bet you can't pin me down" energy.

*Anya* · 11-13-2012, 04:47 AM

What are some other ways or methods that you have used to meet potential dates?

What worked?

What didn't and why?

Sachita · 11-19-2012, 02:45 PM

First of all I don't Google anyone. I may do a background check if they get to the point of moving in.

I need lots of time to know someone. I don't ever just hop in bed with anyone no matter how turned on I am. I'm not saying I never have, I have a few times but most of the time I take a long time getting to know someone. I must like you and enjoy spending time around you.

I like to date. I enjoy cooking us dinner, having you serve me (lol) going to walks, a bit of flirting and maybe some slow dancing. I like to let things simmer for a long long time.

I want to fall in love with my best friend.

macele · 11-19-2012, 03:13 PM

Okay this sounds corny, but treat people as you'd like to be treated. --Rope

the golden rule! works every time.

lesbians are no worse at dating than anyone else lol. i've never done the uhaul thing, and i think i make a rather good date, being lesbian and all. just thought i'd put that out there.

11-08-2012, 08:34 AM	#1
Anya Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Lesbian non-stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Committed to being good to myself Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: West Coast Posts: 8,258 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 39,306 Thanked 40,444 Times in 7,285 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	I want to talk a little bit about how butches and femmes find each other! I always read people that post on BFP and that live in towns all across the USA, that write that there are no butches or femmes in their town. I always want to ask how they try to meet them? We have to be more creative and take some risks! I am not on Match.com or OK Cupid but have looked at them and saw profiles all across America, in the most unlikely places! More than a few profiles specified "looking for femmes", "looking for butches". Some even had user names like: "Looking4myButch" or "Femme4You". Can't get more clear than that! There are MatchUp activities everywhere. They have activities ranging from dances, to hikes, to golf/camping/house parties, dog-walking on the beach, learning country line-dancing; etc. There are so many activities that pop-up on my email I can't keep track. There are also butch-femme groups for under 40 and butch-femme groups over 40. I do understand that I live in a large metropolitan area, but you might be surprised to find that there are MatchUps near you and at the activities you will find. It is low-key and they always are around fun, non-meat-market-type of shared activities. Just some thoughts on things to do or to look for, because we will never find "the one" if we just expect them to find us! __________________ ~Anya~ Democracy Dies in Darkness ~Washington Post "...I'm deeply concerned by recently adopted policies which punish children for their parents’ actions ... The thought that any State would seek to deter parents by inflicting such abuse on children is unconscionable." UN Human Rights commissioner

11-08-2012, 01:53 PM	#2
ScandalAndy Member How Do You Identify?: human femme spitfire Preferred Pronoun?: she/her Relationship Status: it's official! Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: east coast USA Posts: 1,167 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,758 Thanked 3,216 Times in 753 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I think this has already been said, but ask them out! For me one of the most important things is to not sit around and wait for somebody else to make the first move. If you think you might be attracted to someone, or notice somebody out and about, talk to them! I got bit in the ass a couple times when I pulled that creeper move of standing near them and looking at them a lot, stubbornly waiting for them to talk to me first. At the end of the night they left with the person who came up to them and started a conversation. That being said, I LOVE it when someone asks me out. I'm so used to being the one who does all the "chasing" that it tickles me pink when the other person asks me first, and they are much more likely to get bonus points for that. And now I have a question: From time to time I will get a compliment on my hair or outfit. I was taught by my mother to say thank you and smile, but that's all I know how to do. I am usually overwhelmed with embarrassment and blush before running away afterwards. What if this is someone trying to start a conversation with me? Is there a better way to respond that can be done by a girl who sucks at accepting compliments? How do I find out if this is just a passing compliment, or an invitation to chat? __________________ The joy of discovery is certainly the liveliest that the mind of man can ever feel. - Claude Bernard (1813-78)

11-08-2012, 02:43 PM	#3
Anya Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Lesbian non-stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Committed to being good to myself Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: West Coast Posts: 8,258 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 39,306 Thanked 40,444 Times in 7,285 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	Great question Andy! The compliment is the best ice breaker of all. I always try to keep in mind that the other person is just as nervous as I am and maybe more. That person screwed up their courage to walk across the room (or wherever) to come and give you that compliment and are probably worrying that you will tell them to get lost or will turn your back on them. No matter how insecure or self-conscious that I may be feeling, I try to set myself to the side to put the other person at ease. Everyone likes to talk about themselves. Ask a question or give them a compliment in return ( a genuine one, if you mean it): "Thank you, I was admiring your shirt, too. That looks really good on you". Or, "I love your crew-cut. How often do you have to get it cut?" Open ended questions work better than ones that can just be answered yes or no. These don't work in every case but are some things that I have used to keep the interaction going. We always assume that the other person won't like us, when it may very well be the other way around! In that case, I smile and say, "It was nice talking with you and thanks again for the compliment" and go on my way. __________________ ~Anya~ Democracy Dies in Darkness ~Washington Post "...I'm deeply concerned by recently adopted policies which punish children for their parents’ actions ... The thought that any State would seek to deter parents by inflicting such abuse on children is unconscionable." UN Human Rights commissioner

11-09-2012, 09:10 PM	#5
SoftSilver Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: rose cottage Posts: 5,594 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8,948 Thanked 15,896 Times in 4,064 Posts Rep Power*: 21474858	I have dated alot. Alot. So much that amongst my friends, I am pretty much considered the lucky one. I google everyone. Sorry if its an invasion of privacy. I dont look up your property taxes but I want to see your FB page. I want to know if you belong to hate groups. I want to know you arent married. I wouldnt dream of looking up your IQ but I might look up your dating profile on other sites. I always talk on the phone first. Alot. And I ask a ton of "what if" questions to get a sense of personality, values and character. Ex: What if the woman you dated a few times suddenly had a death of a close family member. Would you be willing to attend the funeral and calling hours with her? I make sure everyone knows I am DATING. Not IN a relationship the moment we meet. Lesbian Uhaul is a common theme. And I date more than one person unless I am in a committed relationship. Recently, one of my acquaintances locally was going on match sites. She smiled at a woman, they talked once on the phone, and she began calling her her GF. Seriously? There was a presumption on her part that something was going to happen between them since they had similar interests. Well hell, so what if people like to read the same kind of books and like to watch The Big Bang Theory? So do many many other people, including those who you would hate to be around! It scares me to think of how sudden we bond! __________________ Pole bachit, a lis chuye. The field sees, the forest hears

11-09-2012, 11:14 PM	#6
dykeumentary Member How Do You Identify?: butch dyke Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: NJ Posts: 449 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 341 Thanked 1,548 Times in 359 Posts Rep Power: 19160663	I was just reading the thread in the Femme Zone about flirting in a non-LGBT space, so this topic flowed nicely. If/when I want to date someone, it usually comes after a few successful flirting experiences. I don't think google has a "flirting" function yet, so that's not where I'd go to get insight on a date. I pursue dates, and name them dates when I ask a woman out. I'm too old and grumpy for long distance or online dating. I flirt early and often. As a "handy person" I'm hired to go into people's houses (mostly straight women), make them feel comfortable and happy. There's an unfortunate power dynamic, because they "need" my skills and I "need" their payment. So one way to smooth the way through that is for me to flirt with them. It's an old contractor trick, and a stereotype that I suppose I should be embarrassed to embody. Anyway. I tend to be interested in women who are passionate about SOMETHING. Our ability to convey our passion in a way that turns the other person on is what makes a date hours long, or 15 minutes long. Dating is about discovering someone as an independent entity. I want to date someone who will enchant me with tales of what they're reading, doing, competing in, performing and dreaming of. If each of us isn't SuPER interesting when we're single, I don't expect we will be more interesting once in a relationship. And that doesn't bode well... Its my responsibility to be charming and fascinating and challenging and self-sufficient. That's my recipe for successful dating. __________________ The Origins of Butch & Femme (a retelling): https://youtu.be/U7VkXpZl4Mk Watch more of my funny butch/femme movies here: https://www.youtube.com/dykeumentary1

11-09-2012, 08:34 PM	#4
SaltyButch Member How Do You Identify?: Old School Butch Preferred Pronoun?: he/she/hey you..... Relationship Status: open to the possibilities Tournaments Won: 5 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: mississauga ontario canada Posts: 345 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 432 Thanked 1,633 Times in 301 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Oh this is a wonderful thread...the stories I could share. It's been said a few times already that the initial meeting really shouldn't be a "date" it should be a meeting to see if there is a reason why you might want to date. The online experience and real time experience can be different so if you are meeting do something that you both enjoy which may help put you at ease. This initial meeting of course happens for me after I have had some online or phone conversation, if I cannot hold a conversation with you then there is no real point in meeting because communication is key for me. The worst date I have ever had was a blind date for Pride...I know...I know...I should have known better, we went to a roof party and people I didn't even know were telling me to ditch the girl, I couldn't my integrity would not allow me to...we proceeded to meet some of her friends, she introduced me by the wrong name, and yes I still persevered. We all went to a restaurant for dinner, thankfully I got along with one of her friends, and looked at this person with disbelief as my "date" leaned over across the table and said to her other friend in a not so quiet voice, I don't think she likes me....and her friend said you think it might have to do with the fact you called her by another name. Lawd save me now, we left and I took her home, and vowed never ever to do a blind date for Pride again. This same girl called me up and said hey you never called me....I wonder why.

11-10-2012, 08:48 AM	#7
Ginger Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme lesbian Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: East coast Posts: 2,416 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,829 Thanked 12,295 Times in 2,057 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I like to have written correspondence with someone for a while before we go on a date. I can miss social cues in person (likewise, I can send them unintentionally), so I like to see the words on the page because I "read" that information best of all. I'm by nature a friendly, playful person and I've realized that that is sometimes taken as flirting, when I don't intend it. I try to be conscious of that and if it happens repeatedly, I avoid the place where it happened, either online or in person, figuring that it's just not my "scene." When I find a pocket of reality where people really "get" me, I treasure it and return there as much as I can. I'm not looking for someone to date; I'm still or maybe I should say, re-involved with my girlfriend whose house I just moved out of, but I guess I'd say that when I do flirt, it's through humor. In my family, when people really like each other, they tease and poke fun at each other, not in unkind ways, but in ways that say, "I see you better than anyone else in the world and I'm noticing little things that are unique to you." That said, I tease any of my friends I really like, and that's not flirting. I went out with my best straight-guy friend last night, and I always tease him a lot and make him laugh at himself. He started doing the same to me, which I never get, and I love. We have a lot of "in" jokes that come from how well we know each other. That's just friendship, and here's the difference between that and flirting: When I got home, I talked with my girlfriend on the phone, and teased her mercilessly, which was fun. She always knows more than anyone else in the room about any goddamn thing that comes up and I like to cut right through that and point out how cynical and overly serious and sometimes officious she is. It catches her off guard—I don't think it happens much in her life—and she laughs like a little kid. Sometimes there is a daring quality in my tone, as if I'm daring her to defy my "take" on her, and it completely disarms her. There is none of that with the friend I went out with last night, none of that "Bet you can't pin me down" energy.

11-13-2012, 04:47 AM	#8
Anya Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Lesbian non-stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Committed to being good to myself Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: West Coast Posts: 8,258 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 39,306 Thanked 40,444 Times in 7,285 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	What are some other ways or methods that you have used to meet potential dates? What worked? What didn't and why? __________________ ~Anya~ Democracy Dies in Darkness ~Washington Post "...I'm deeply concerned by recently adopted policies which punish children for their parents’ actions ... The thought that any State would seek to deter parents by inflicting such abuse on children is unconscionable." UN Human Rights commissioner

11-19-2012, 02:45 PM	#9
Sachita Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Alpha Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Goddess Relationship Status: Completely in love Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Southern Virginia Posts: 3,225 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,564 Thanked 8,992 Times in 2,247 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	First of all I don't Google anyone. I may do a background check if they get to the point of moving in. I need lots of time to know someone. I don't ever just hop in bed with anyone no matter how turned on I am. I'm not saying I never have, I have a few times but most of the time I take a long time getting to know someone. I must like you and enjoy spending time around you. I like to date. I enjoy cooking us dinner, having you serve me (lol) going to walks, a bit of flirting and maybe some slow dancing. I like to let things simmer for a long long time. I want to fall in love with my best friend. __________________ You either like me or you don't. It took me Twenty-something years to learn how to love myself, I don't have that kinda time to convince somebody else. ~ Daniel Franzese

11-19-2012, 03:13 PM	#10
macele Member How Do You Identify?: a bold-assed maximus Preferred Pronoun?: she Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: mississippi Posts: 1,066 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,178 Thanked 3,230 Times in 847 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	Okay this sounds corny, but treat people as you'd like to be treated. --Rope the golden rule! works every time. lesbians are no worse at dating than anyone else lol. i've never done the uhaul thing, and i think i make a rather good date, being lesbian and all. just thought i'd put that out there.