Unconditional Love... is it really unconditional?

[Hack]

I'm generally a private person -- one of those "taciturn Midwesterners," perhaps. I like to think I just come from stoic German stock. Anyway, there's one thing in this I want to respond to, if I may, because I live it every day.

You pose the question: I wonder if I could love someone unconditionally if they did not accept me for who I am as a Queer person?

Well, I do. My parents, but moreso my mother. I have a complicated relationship with my mother. She does not accept me as a queer person. She wants to know nothing about my private life, which causes me great grief around the holidays, which I dread more than anything. My mother is very Catholic. I grew up in a very old school, kind of Old World atmosphere, bookended by my father's German/WASPish family on one end, people incapable of expressing emotion of any kind; and my mother's Polish/Catholic family on the other end -- loud, raucuous, hard-drinking, guilt-riddled people. I grew up in a small town with no queer role model in sight. I love my mother. I respect her. She introduces me to people based on my job, and as her daughter, which draws curious looks from strangers. She struggles to acknowledge any girl I bring home...don't get me wrong -- she's polite, civil and will ask the basic questions of her ("What do you do for a living? Do you have siblings? Where did you grow up?"). But my mother never will be a PFLAG member. She will never call me by my chosen name. She would never attend a ceremony should I, god help me, ever want to be married. She never asks me if I am seeing someone. She never asks about my girlfriend when I have one. I grew up surrounded by men who treated their women like queens. I grew up respecting women. As I said, I respect my mother. I'm protective of her. I open doors for her when I am around her. I get angry when people show a lack of respect toward her.

But she has no respect for me and my life. But I love her. She's my mother.

And that's really all I want to say about that.

Jake

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by Hack

I'm generally a private person -- one of those "taciturn Midwesterners," perhaps. I like to think I just come from stoic German stock. Anyway, there's one thing in this I want to respond to, if I may, because I live it every day.

You pose the question: I wonder if I could love someone unconditionally if they did not accept me for who I am as a Queer person?

Well, I do. My parents, but moreso my mother. I have a complicated relationship with my mother. She does not accept me as a queer person. She wants to know nothing about my private life, which causes me great grief around the holidays, which I dread more than anything. My mother is very Catholic. I grew up in a very old school, kind of Old World atmosphere, bookended by my father's German/WASPish family on one end, people incapable of expressing emotion of any kind; and my mother's Polish/Catholic family on the other end -- loud, raucuous, hard-drinking, guilt-riddled people. I grew up in a small town with no queer role model in sight. I love my mother. I respect her. She introduces me to people based on my job, and as her daughter, which draws curious looks from strangers. She struggles to acknowledge any girl I bring home...don't get me wrong -- she's polite, civil and will ask the basic questions of her ("What do you do for a living? Do you have siblings? Where did you grow up?"). But my mother never will be a PFLAG member. She will never call me by my chosen name. She would never attend a ceremony should I, god help me, ever want to be married. She never asks me if I am seeing someone. She never asks about my girlfriend when I have one. I grew up surrounded by men who treated their women like queens. I grew up respecting women. As I said, I respect my mother. I'm protective of her. I open doors for her when I am around her. I get angry when people show a lack of respect toward her.

But she has no respect for me and my life. But I love her. She's my mother.

And that's really all I want to say about that.

Jake

I'm really sorry for this Jake. I have a friend who struggles with this and adores his family but just can't get them to accept. They call him by his birth name, a girl and make comments about his clothes, etc. He wasn't invited to his sisters wedding unless he wore something appropriate. He didn't go.

My family has always accepted me. They accept my lovers as family and they are even still in touch with a few ex's. I'm very grateful for that.

[Sachita]

I have thought a lot about this in this past year.

I can honestly say that I love without conditions. I may not like someone and I do have standards on what I'll allow in my space. Even people I don't really like I love and feel true deep compassion. I'm grateful I don't have that type of emotion in me even when pushed to the limits. There is one person who pushed me pretty far, awful things and lies for years. I had anger inside so intense I truly wanted to hunt her down and beat her. Time passed and it went away. It bothered me that I even allowed it to bother me so much. If I stand up for myself, don't allow myself to be treated badly, look at you in your face and tell you to fuck off, it doesn't mean I also wouldn't give you the shirt off my back or that compassion has left me. It means I ain't taking any shit or I don't like you.

Everything has conditions per se, however the very essence of love is something that exist, has few rules and lives in every spirit. It can be very simple or complex.

[proximitywithoutintimacy]

I believe in unconditional love; however, I also believe that unconditional love is very rare, when it comes to being IN love. It's what sets apart love from true love, in my opinion. Maybe I'm just talking in circles at this point in my rant, but honestly, I love someone who might possibly be the most broken human being I've ever known... for her, my love, I give my heart.

You may all vomit now at my sappiness LOL.

[Chancie]

I don't know what people mean when they say they believe in unconditional love. Do they really mean that they would love someone no matter what they do? For me, that doesn't sound healthy.

I love Pete, and I think she might be the one I want to marry, because I do want to get married again. I probably wouldn't wish her ill if she did something that made it impossible for us to be together, and of course time might reveal that we aren't right together, but I love her with all the complicated feelings that make me human.

I wish I loved myself unconditionally.

[Julien]

Unconditional love is the love I have for my son.

[MsTinkerbelly]

If I love someone it is forever. The type of love may change, but I still love them.

[Chancie]

I've been thinking about this thread a lot.

I've never been the sort of girl who thinks Heathcliff is romantic; I've always thought that he was a reactive jerk and that Cathy was manipulative and thoughtless.

But I suspect I am the exception.

On the other hand, I have a huge amount of patience with the shenanigans of naughty teenagers, but very little patience with the thoughtless sharp tongues of some adults I've 'met' online.

I've never cheated on anyone to whom I have been committed.

Again, I suspect I am the exception.

When members say they will always love someone they have loved at one time, what does that mean?

If that is true, why have you (in general) cheated on your partner? Why have you taken expensive gifts when you know you aren't fully committed to your partner? Why do you share dramatic private details of your relationship?

[Soft*Silver]

I have changed my mind from my original post. I said I offered unconditional love to only one person and that be my daughter.I have decided that it is not a parents responsibility to beholden to have to love their child unconditionally if their child does not deserve it. I have borne witness to several examples as of late, of adult children who in my opinion, did not deserve their parent's love. Call me cold. I would sever my love in a heart beat had it been my child.

I seem to find myself becoming more black and white as I age. Less grey. Far less grey. I think I have given people in my past so many opportunities that I realize now I wasted so much of my precious life on them, days wasted that I cannot get back now. I have lived more life than I have left to live, and no one is going to get more from me than they deserve ever again. I wont mistake an ass for a horse again, trust me on that...lol. Someone said they wanted to love themselves unconditionally. I think thats what I am doing. Hands down. I come first.

[Tcountry]

It all depends on your definition of love...is it a feeling or an action...?
If it is a feeling...it is possible to love...even when u r upset with a decision that person has made.
If it is an action...what r u willing to do/go thru if that person really needed u?
The only limit to unconditional love is the human condition...& what each is willing to do and/or put up with...
Your limits define your conditions

[Miss Scarlett]

Many years ago this was part of an all night discussion with a dear friend (now departed). We concluded that there is such a thing but that it is different for everyone.

My love (whether that be for my friends, family or partner) is one that loves and accepts people "warts and all." It's not something that I will take away if there is a disagreement, parting of ways or even if someone hurts me. I cannot just turn off my heart, just cannot...there will always be love there.

This same friend wrote a beautiful song about his love for his friends here are the lyrics:

Brother's Keeper
Rich Mullins and Beaker

Now the plummer's got a drip in his spigot
The mechanic's got a clank in his car
And the preacher's thinking thoughts that are wicked
And the lover's got a lonely heart
My friends ain't the way I wish they were
They are just the way they are

And I will be my brother's keeper
Not the one who judges him
I won't despise him for his weakness
I won't regard him for his strength
I won't take away his freedom
I will help him learn to stand
And I will, I will be my brother's keeper

Now this roof has got a few missing shingles
But at least we got ourselves a roof
And they say that she's a fallen angel
I wonder if she recalls when she last flew
There's no point in pointing fingers
Unless you're pointing to the truth

And I will be my brother's keeper
Not the one who judges him
I won't despise him for his weakness
I won't regard him for his strength
I won't take away his freedom
I will help him learn to stand
And I will, I will be my brother's keeper

I will be my brother's keeper
Not the one who judges him
I won't despise him for his weakness
I won't regard him for his strength
I won't take away his freedom
I will help him learn to stand
And I will, I will be my brother's keeper