Unconditional Love... is it really unconditional?

[Passionaria]

Originally Posted by SassyLeo

Do you think you would still love them unconditionally if they did something really awful? I guess it is hard to say "what if"....

I think about friends whom I've had over the years who have done things which I did not agree with, but I still loved them. I guess, unconditionally. I had a few friends who did really fucked up stuff and I chose to separate from the friendship. Was I then withholding the unconditional love?

Hi SassyLeo, sounds like you have wonderful parents! No wonder you are so lovely

Unfortunately, I can answer this, yes even when they mess up big time.....
As far as friends go? I personally don't think it is a good idea to love "everyone" unconditionally, just the ones who have proven themselves worthy of such a special gift. Unconditional integrity, yes, love no......

Pashi

[Bit]

Originally Posted by SassyLeo

I had a few friends who did really fucked up stuff and I chose to separate from the friendship. Was I then withholding the unconditional love?

Do you still love them? If you do, then I would say, no you weren't withholding love, even if you withdrew from the relationships.

For me, there is a difference between "loving someone unconditionally" and "accepting all their behaviors without question"... I believe it's certainly possible to love someone unconditionally, even if I have to tell them, "for the sake of my own mental health, I cannot be around your dysfunctional behaviors right now."

I think it's also possible to say, "I love you unconditionally, and for the sake of that love, I cannot allow you to behave badly without consequences." I believe this is the concept that Tough Love is built on--as well as the concept good parenting is built on.

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by Bit

Do you still love them? If you do, then I would say, no you weren't withholding love, even if you withdrew from the relationships.

For me, there is a difference between "loving someone unconditionally" and "accepting all their behaviors without question"... I believe it's certainly possible to love someone unconditionally, even if I have to tell them, "for the sake of my own mental health, I cannot be around your dysfunctional behaviors right now."

I think it's also possible to say, "I love you unconditionally, and for the sake of that love, I cannot allow you to behave badly without consequences." I believe this is the concept that Tough Love is built on--as well as the concept good parenting is built on.

Thank you Bit. This is what i was trying to get across too but have brain problems today.

I would move mountains, sacrifice, do almost anything for my son, however most of the time i just don't like him.

I think some people I am close to are big assholes, truly need serious help but I still love them.

[Bit]

Originally Posted by Sachita

Thank you Bit. This is what i was trying to get across too but have brain problems today.

I would move mountains, sacrifice, do almost anything for my son, however most of the time i just don't like him.

I think some people I am close to are big assholes, truly need serious help but I still love them.

You're welcome, Sachita.

You know, your post here, combined with other people's posts here about their parents, really resonates with me. My biofamily is full of people who BELIEVE they love unconditionally even as they judge and judge and judge again. Like others have said, they think they love me and yet they don't even KNOW me--because it isn't safe for me to let them know me.

Do I love them all, even when they do things which are heinous to me, like praying against me, invoking God to control me? Yes.

Is my love unconditional? I dunno. If they behaved badly enough, they certainly could kill it off. But for now, while I love them, it doesn't depend on what they do.

Maybe that's the major blessing of the Geographical Cure. *wry smile*

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by Bit

You're welcome, Sachita.

You know, your post here, combined with other people's posts here about their parents, really resonates with me. My biofamily is full of people who BELIEVE they love unconditionally even as they judge and judge and judge again. Like others have said, they think they love me and yet they don't even KNOW me--because it isn't safe for me to let them know me.

Do I love them all, even when they do things which are heinous to me, like praying against me, invoking God to control me? Yes.

Is my love unconditional? I dunno. If they behaved badly enough, they certainly could kill it off. But for now, while I love them, it doesn't depend on what they do.

Maybe that's the major blessing of the Geographical Cure. *wry smile*

I hate being judged. That sucks

I'm lucky. I feel loved. My sisters are my best friends and all it takes is three words- I need you. everything drops and we do whatever it takes. this love we have is the purest I've ever had. I'm not sure what happened to our kids. They're good kids just selfish.

I think that you reach a point in your life where your happiness is essential. Its not about anyone else and the people you want in your space are investing in that happiness. If they don't it doesnt mean you love them less, you just have your own agenda. it doesnt include them.

I have friends I've known and loved for 25 plus years. I've closed the door on many, my life has changed, I just cant have drama.

[JustLovelyJenn]

This too is a topic that hits very close to home for me. As I read all of your responses this morning I considered commenting on them, but I decided it would be easier just to tell my story.

My family is Mormon. And I don't mean a few generations, my great-great-great grandfather was a body guard to Joseph Smith and his family lived on the Smith Farm, they traveled to the Salt Lake valley with the early settlers. My grandfather was a bishop and my entire life has been enforced by that standard. I was REQUIRED to attend early morning bible study in high school with the threat of loosing all of my optional classes such as Choir and Drama if I didn't.

I didn't come out to my parents on purpose, and when it did happen, through a happen chance. (My father coded the medical records of my girlfriend from an ER visit and noted my name on the chart as her "Partner") It was 3 weeks before he would talk to me. My mother wasn't quite as difficult about it, but most certainly not in the acceptance side of the equation.

All of that said. I LOVE MY PARENTS, 100% unconditionally. I love them even when they say hurtful things, I love them even when I think about how they will react when I bring a partner to a family gathering. I love them with all my heart. I always have, its just built into how I love someone. If I choose to love you, I love you with everything I have to give.

I also know that they love me. That they try to look past and ignore things they thing are absolutely wrong with how I "choose" to live my life. I live with them now, with my two children, and we keep a precarious balance similar to the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. Every once in a while it will go to far to one side or the other and tempers will flair.

As hard as it is for me to admit this, because it sometimes hurt so much... I think I have to say that I believe my parents love me unconditionally. Because to me, that unconditional love means doing everything in your power to love a person, even when their very actions go against everything you would support. It means that no matter what I do, my parents will love me the best way they can. I know if I killed someone (which would never happen) that they would visit me in jail. I know that if I were a drug addict they would pay for my rehab. I know that even though I am gay they have me in their home and they help me with my children. That they would allow my partner to visit and would say little about what happened that they did not see.

Yes, I believe in unconditional love. Yes, I also believe that you can love someone unconditionally if you don't agree with their choices. In fact, I believe that is the hardest test of unconditional love.

[AtLast]

Originally Posted by Bit

You're welcome, Sachita.

You know, your post here, combined with other people's posts here about their parents, really resonates with me. My biofamily is full of people who BELIEVE they love unconditionally even as they judge and judge and judge again. Like others have said, they think they love me and yet they don't even KNOW me--because it isn't safe for me to let them know me.

Do I love them all, even when they do things which are heinous to me, like praying against me, invoking God to control me? Yes.

Is my love unconditional? I dunno. If they behaved badly enough, they certainly could kill it off. But for now, while I love them, it doesn't depend on what they do.

Maybe that's the major blessing of the Geographical Cure. *wry smile*

Thinking about what you are saying about under certain circumstances, you would need to extracate yourself from bio-family. Your love might remain in some form, but, I think if it was for your best interest to cut them out of your life, it makes sense. Painful, but, I sure know people that have had to do this.

In fact, my niece came to a point in her life for about 4 yeras that she had just had it with my sister and stopped seeing or talking to her. She did allow her kids to continue to see my sister and brother-in-law (nieces step-father, an OK guy). Although, it hurt me to see this, I really felt that my niece had some good reasons for this and at that time, it was what she needed to do for herself. My sister was not giving her unconditional love and not viewing my niece at this time as the person she was and had not throughout her childhood. My sister was emotionally abusive to her daughter (and at times, physically abusive- she, herself was being abused as such by an alcoholic husband). They eventually worked through this, but, I still don't believe my sister recognizes my niece for the woman she is and that makes me sad. My sister did apologize and acknowledge her abusive parenting, however.