How do you communicate when you're angry?

[bigbutchmistie]

I really dont say anything. I just become really quite. When I get done being mad then Im ready to talk about it...

[macele]

you know sometimes we wonder (well i do.) if we've changed. that, "have i changed?" i've changed. i really have. oh my. when i get angry, there is no telling what i will say and do. i can't control it at all. it's unreal how much i've changed. i used to be quiet, walk away. and i used to let things go. i think that i can still do that at times, let it go. but only after i have shook the walls.

[imperfect_cupcake]

It really depends on the dynamic with the person. however, I find it waaaaayyyyyyy easier if people can take the piss (tell me they are going to throw me off a bridge, tell me to shut up [not in an angry Axis of Evil kind of way but a auuuugh I love you but I'm gonna skin you in a minute, kind of way], tell me I am driving them to drink ajax milkshakes etc) because making me and her laugh during those kinds of moments lightens the mood of the frustation. so one can be yelling *and* laughing *and* frustrated *and* actually interested in solving the issue all at the same time, rather than it being all quiet, sparkly and earnest, heavy and super serious. I had a partner who was "respectful" in that way and frankly it felt like discussing a load of old bricks every time some thing "serious" came up. Like talking in a wet lesbian potato sack.

No thanks.

After spending 10 years in the UK and hanging out with Australians, Kiwis, Irish, Welsh, Scot... no. I'd rather have an arsey, fun, laughing, expressive discussion with piss taking where shut up doesn't mean disrespect, it means "offs!"... when me and my mom were barking a bit while I was trying to get her finances done in an excel sheet, she said
"well you'd never make an IT help desk. You are far too aggressive. the boys at the school are much nicer."
"ok mom. would you like me to (suddenly speaking in a gentle customer service voice) help you? well if you would like to just please wait for a moment while I get your - "
Laughing "oh fuck off."
"exactly. now shut up so I can work."

I dunno. I never want to go back to discussions I can't laugh in, no matter how angry I am. I can't take the wet, oh so serious, lesbo drama anymore. Even if we are discussing something very serious. There's a way to mix it. And yes, someone telling me to shut up, fuck off, I'm going to tie you to a railway track in a minute etc, does make me laugh (granted, tone is everything. But you can say "nice" things in a shite tone and it still sounds like cold sick).

I know some people can't cope with that, and I'd never be a good partner for them. They'll find me disrespectful and rude, I'll find them overly dramatic and wet.

Salt for everyone's pepper, luckily.

[DamonK]

In the last few months, this has been... Err... Well, repeated in my life.

7 years ago.... It would have been..."you're right baby" even if my partner were in the wrong

5 years ago, I was spiraling into drug addiction, and increasingly angry. All the write ups at work showed my lack of healthy communication while angry.

3 years ago, silence. I would have just taken it.

In each of these stages, I recognized parts of my childhood. At least me...you said whatever you had to in order to get the yelling to stop. That's not to say I never blew up. I did.

Now, clench my jaw... I may be mad, but it is more likely I'm trying to see your side, and trying to not react until then. I'm very black and white, so this step is very important to me. It helps me learn gray areas.

Sometimes I raise my voice. I try not to because I know how it upsets me when I'm yelled at. However, I've been told.... Me yelling is not a cause for worry....

When you worry is when I go silent. If I go silent, I'm past angry. By then. I'm usually livid. If I reach that point, my suggestion is you stop yelling at me and let me leave. Don't try to engage me. Don't try to apologize. Don't try to talk it out. If I'm silent, I probably can't talk by then. When I can, I will come back and we can talk it out.

When you worry is when you hear a soft "fine". That's generally a sign that silence is coming and you should either change tatics or disengage entirely.

This one has only ever occurred once or twice... A soft "well fuck you then". I'm fixing to blow up.

If I look down, and refuse to look up... I probably can't. If this occurs, you have probably crossed a line, darted back, crossed back over and the words cut me too deep. Or if I happen to cry. It does not happen often, but it does on occasion. If either of these happen, cease fire. You've caused massive damage. Generally if either of these have happened, something entirely irrational has happened. If either of these happen, an apology doesn't fix it. I will accept it if given in good faith, but it by no way means I've forgiven you.

I'm not perfect. I can't say I've always fought fair. But, I'm finding as I get older, I'm willing to try harder to fight fair.

Most often, especially with how black and white I am, I try to walk away until we can talk it out. Anger, while healthy, isn't always healthy. I have the right to be angry. I have the right to vent. I do not have the right to get hateful. I do not have the right to get cruel.

If you happen to get hateful or cruel, that is on you. Not me.

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

It really depends on the dynamic with the person. however, I find it waaaaayyyyyyy easier if people can take the piss (tell me they are going to throw me off a bridge, tell me to shut up [not in an angry Axis of Evil kind of way but a auuuugh I love you but I'm gonna skin you in a minute, kind of way], tell me I am driving them to drink ajax milkshakes etc) because making me and her laugh during those kinds of moments lightens the mood of the frustation. so one can be yelling *and* laughing *and* frustrated *and* actually interested in solving the issue all at the same time, rather than it being all quiet, sparkly and earnest, heavy and super serious. I had a partner who was "respectful" in that way and frankly it felt like discussing a load of old bricks every time some thing "serious" came up. Like talking in a wet lesbian potato sack.

No thanks.

After spending 10 years in the UK and hanging out with Australians, Kiwis, Irish, Welsh, Scot... no. I'd rather have an arsey, fun, laughing, expressive discussion with piss taking where shut up doesn't mean disrespect, it means "offs!"... when me and my mom were barking a bit while I was trying to get her finances done in an excel sheet, she said
"well you'd never make an IT help desk. You are far too aggressive. the boys at the school are much nicer."
"ok mom. would you like me to (suddenly speaking in a gentle customer service voice) help you? well if you would like to just please wait for a moment while I get your - "
Laughing "oh fuck off."
"exactly. now shut up so I can work."

I dunno. I never want to go back to discussions I can't laugh in, no matter how angry I am. I can't take the wet, oh so serious, lesbo drama anymore. Even if we are discussing something very serious. There's a way to mix it. And yes, someone telling me to shut up, fuck off, I'm going to tie you to a railway track in a minute etc, does make me laugh (granted, tone is everything. But you can say "nice" things in a shite tone and it still sounds like cold sick).

I know some people can't cope with that, and I'd never be a good partner for them. They'll find me disrespectful and rude, I'll find them overly dramatic and wet.

Salt for everyone's pepper, luckily.

I like it that you said, "Salt for everyone's pepper, luckily."
Equally, I liked the "tie you to a railway track in a minute" --
-- witty banter like this is something I miss terribly.

Years ago, I happened to become friends with a young woman (same age as my daughter) while earning my bachelors in college. I remember sitting in class, relentlessly taking my own notes of a lecture in progress and Brynn was sitting across the aisle from me, as I executed my perfect penmanship in strikes of lightening fashion. She was also disrupting my flow. I gave her my best "Femme Death Stare" and an evil smile so she'd know I was kidding, yet deadly serious about her disrupting my method of madness! After class, she was all over me like a sweet baby kitten looking for a mother and that's how we became friends - for the longest time. She's no longer in my life right now but I suspect we'll reconnect somewhere down the road, later in life. She totally got who I was in one single fell swoop and I had totally pinned her style of communication in much the same way. Somehow, it's my belief, the universe brings people to your life exactly when you need them. She had been with her then-current boyfriend since high school days and they were having serious troubles communicating with each other, but he was anything but what she could need in a boyfriend. I remember well, how she'd call me late at night, wanting to be study partners for our expected homework in our class and of course, because I could tell by her voice, inflected with all kinds of silent communicators, revealing what she truly was after: bonding time with a mature person who could help her solve her problems (even if it entailed being stoned to the high heavens!) She'd come over and before we could settle into our method of study hall madness, we'd make something crazy wonderful to eat and while doing exactly that, we'd 'dance' our way through a complicated maze of issues by playfully mocking every single item on her "this is bugging the shit out of me" list, before we could settle down and get to the business at hand (our studies).

It's not everyday that someone like that walks into your life and you bond instantaneously, like Brynn and I did. My boys fell in love with her because she totally got who I was and both my boys fought over her for her affection. I often said to her that my oldest son was the man she needed in her life. The "pepper" to her "salt."

Indeed.

*I'm gonna tie you down to the railroad tracks* (I said exactly that to her once!)



Thank you for evoking sweet memories of the dear young friend I haven't seen in a while.
And thank you for being who you are, HoneyBarbara.
I find candid, authentic, human communication refreshingly beautiful.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Hahahaha!

Yes. that. She sounds fun and open and honest.

I was talking to the head admin at school today. I just had my scholastic interview and was accepted into the school. She said "I was in the UK for two years then in spain for 9."
"oh really!! when did you get back?"
"five months ago."
"wow, so we're in the same boat but yer down the beach aways. How's the weather along there? How are you finding it."
"the thing that bugs me the most? Everyone is so sensitive. you have to verbally walk on egg shells all the time. You can't piss about. You have to be so serious in comparision."

I get what she means. But I had to be on eggs shells in england about being "too friendly" or people would think I was mental. I find I can follow leads for - yes a slightly more gentle piss taking - but most people here like being teased if they can read your body language. But not in a professional manner, which is probably what she was talking about. No piss taking at work, which sucks.

I'm glad you are hosing your brain down with some good memories. I love that!

[NJFemmie]

I think it depends on what I'm angry about or who I am angry with.

I used to blow up and unleash hell, but for the most part, I "try" to remain quiet and calm down first. I've learned from past experiences that the exchange of angry words only causes more problems, confusion and misunderstandings - so I try to breathe, think about things as objectively as I possibly can and engage in rational conversation.

That's what would happen in a perfect world.

My world is not always perfect.

(Thankfully, I haven't been angry in a while....)

[Kätzchen]

Yes, about Brynn being an embracable personality in that she was open and honest - to a fault, almost. Our friendship, in its active state, spanned over 7 years and during those years, early on, we both found out how closely our lives paralled each others: In that, both of us grew up in highly dysfunctional households where marriages between our parents finally imploded under the persistent fire of socially expected rules on how to conduct oneself or control ones' family or any number of social expectations which eventally exacted its toll in the form in a fiery meltdown - the cost of upholding socially held norms.

And that was the thing, a gift is how I think of it. We didn't live in fear of not being ourselves. It seemed as though we could talk about anything and as if by second nature, we could flex our style of communication in whatever form of coping style possible and still hold each other in high esteem because each of us intrinsically knew each other's limit, each other's boundary, and be able to test (I guess one could say) each other's ability to adapt or adopt a particular method that helped either of us to give attention to perplexities or complicated issues, so we could find a particular peace.

That's so nice to hear that you were accepted into school.
Hopefully your school admin won't be too far down the beach.
It sounds like the two of you might share a kindred spirit with each other!