How do you communicate when you're angry?

[Sarafemme]

I have a really hard time dealing with my own anger. For years, I've been "too nice" and when I get mad at someone, I usually end up crying and then withdrawing. That all changed the summer before last.

Just to clarify: I am married (to a man) and have been for the past seven years. I finally admitted my longstanding feelings for women (to myself) a couple of months ago (I had fallen into an emotional affair with an online friend of mine; we had never met in person but my feelings were so strong and it echoed many crushes I had had on various women for years. She hadn't returned the feelings, but had called me out on the crush and basically helped me admit my bisexuality). My marriage is troubled for other reasons, though (though this is certainly a big enough reason in and of itself).

Anyway, the summer of 2011, my husband and I were on an island in a vacation home with 17 other members of his immediate family for one week's time. Everyone generally gets along, but I've always felt like an outsider (they are all Catholic and 'traditional family' types).

So, on this vacation, I was sitting with my laptop in the family room; my husband's dad was napping on the couch. All of a sudden, he awakens from his nap and stares at me as though I am an alien from another planet. I have always had weird vibes from him; like he doesn't like me or disapproves of me in some way. Little did I know just how much. So, he says, "Sara, this might not be any of my business, but have you been having sex with my son?"

I was shocked and didn't know how to respond, but after awhile, I choked out, 'Yes, of course!' (in actuality, it had taken four years for us to consumate our marriage due to my sexual anxiety and his selfishness and temper issues, but I wasn't going to admit that to my father-in-law). Anyway, he said, "Well, you talked about maybe trying for a baby 3-4 years ago; it's been a long time and still no baby. My son is very disappointed and sad and upset; he's depressed and doesn't know what to do. You are a disappointment to him."

Then he stormed out of the room.

I sat there in shock before taking my computer upstairs and promptly bawling my eyes out. I stayed up there for hours. Thankfully, I had a good online friend that I was able to talk to the whole time, which helped immeasurably. My husband finally came upstairs to find me and to ask what was wrong. When I told him what had happened between his dad and me, he was shocked and said he had never said anything to his father about our problems, and that he would go downstairs and confront him. So, he did, and was gone for at least 2 hours. When he came back upstairs to find me, he said, "Do you want to leave me?" (I told him I certainly felt like it, but we were on an island and none of the ferries were leaving at that time of night). Then he said, "My dad says he's sorry; he's actually crying and feels awful; so, can you forgive him?'

That got my blood boiling. As if it was as simple a matter as "sorry" and "I forgive you". I told him that his dad would have to say it to my face, and further, there would be no guarantee I would forgive him then or ever, though perhaps with time I could. This upset my husband: 'He said he was sorry; what else do you want from him!' He then defended himself, saying all he had told his father about us was, 'My wife and I are having issues' and that his father had somehow guessed what those issues were. He said, "My father doesn't speak for me."

The next morning, I refused to join them for breakfast, and so my husband's mother came upstairs to try and smooth things over. She apologized for her husband's behavior and said he'd had too much to drink the previous night and didn't mean what he'd said. She said that, "My son loves you; we all love you" I told him, "If your son loves me, he certainly has a questionable way of showing it!' At this point, I was still crying a little, but I was able to state my case with true anger rather than passivity, probably for the first time. Thankfully, this marked the final day of the vacation. As we were leaving, my father-in-law, looking ashamed, came up to the car and said, "I'm sorry, Sara; I hope we can work through this." I just nodded as we left; it was a long 7-hour drive home. My husband barely said two words to me.

Now, our relationship is civil but that's it. I still have a feeling he doesn't approve of me. My husband and I are in marriage counseling for issues beyond just this (my questions about my sexuality have not come up; I'm still keeping this to myself, and to this forum). My husband is working on his temper issues, but gets upset if I raise my voice even a little "Don't yell at me!' he whines like a child. This just goes to show for how long I've kept my unpleasant feelings at bay. It's a work in progress, but I'm trying to be more authentic to my feelings, good or bad.

[Girl_On_Fire]

I think it's important to look at the cause of the anger. For example, if I'm angry about something that's going on in the world, I can get up on my soap box and be very passionate and opinionated. If I'm angry at something somebody said because I feel insulted, I might get quiet and just stare in disbelief because I can't speak. If you've triggered me, fear and pain is what leads to the anger and that can get ugly. I try to talk things out with people calmly and rationally but if I'm dealing with an unreasonable or uncaring person, I won't communicate with them unless I have no choice. If I have to communicate, there is a lot of swearing, hollering, crying, and irrational behavior. So, in other words, I don't communicate, I turn into a frightened, caged animal. Never good.

[Rockinonahigh]

I try very haard not to get to the point of anger,I would rather sitdaow then discus the issue and then work it out if anyway possable.On therare occasion I do get angry I just leave the room till the other party calmes down,I realise walkinh out of the room sets some folks off the wrong way but truely it's the best way to not get into a knock down chouting match wich I hate to be in.I grew up in a family that rarely had a kind word for each other unless they wanted something.When I had done my duity to my mother even then it took a while for me to compleatly getaway from all the b.s.At times I remeind myself I am nolonger in a negetive place....old scars are long in healing...I refuse to pass that pain to another.

[SirenManda]

I've noticed when I get angry, I go silent. I back away and physically get away from anyone who upset me. I can be very hurtful and tend to lash out when someone upsets me, I've learned this about myself and now I make space between myself and who ever theres tension with until I can emotionally calm down.

[MrSunshine]

It depends on the level of bullshit or jackassery I'm dealing with. If it's a big dose I am bound to explode. Which really has only happened at the V.A
fuck wits!

[traumaqueen]

Hulk smash!

[Gemme]