Can You Really Be Friends With An Ex?

Ginger · 12-05-2012, 06:12 AM

One of my cousins is dying of lung cancer right now. Not deathbed dying yet, but running out of options. Her ex-husband has been wonderful the whole time she's been sick. She always wanted to visit NYC and he took her on a vacation there with their girls. It is tender, what they have now.

I also know a friend of a friend who has a degenerative disease and her life is very compromised now. She had moved to be near her mother, and now her ex-husband bought a house near her, so he is in the neighborhood, as well.

In the town where my dad grew up, I woman I knew a little through their church was dying, and her ex-husband from decades back, moved in with her and nursed her to the end.

None of these were situations were about getting back together.

I know if anything happened to my ex, the main one, the one I lived with for ten years, I would be there. Her current partner is jealous of me; it hurts that we can't be friends and I don't think it will happen—but if it did, if she needed me, I would be there.

*Anya* · 12-05-2012, 07:00 AM

It really depends. I don't think there is a hard or fast rule.

My first girlfriend and I parted friends, lost touch for a long time and recently re-connected. It was just as though no time had passed.

My 19-year ex and I, no way. Over a year ago, she came to me with a big story about a recurrence of a prior brain tumor, with a week to live.

Previous brain tumor= true. Recurrence with a week to live=not true. After running around, sucked in, helping get her affairs in order and then finding out it was a manipulation-the total end for me. Never again.

A couple of months ago she came to my door, uninvited, to tell me she had breast cancer. I told her I could not help her- if it were true but how could I believe her? I sent her away and still hope I did the right thing but she had lied once too many times to me.

Another ex and I kind of drifted apart and each of us started dating other people. We really are not right for each other but genuinely like each other. We still text and talk on the phone almost every day. She asks me femme questions and I ask her butch ones! She tells me about her dates and I tell her about mine.

I think that we might always be friends.

The one rule about relationships is: there are no rules!

Soft*Silver · 12-05-2012, 11:30 AM

I DO have issues about exes now because of two past experiences and have told anyone who dared come close to me that I dont tolerate imbedded exes in an "us". chrissy's ex is not a problem NOW. She tried to be, long distance. She wanted him back, yet approached me to be a friend.

She might have approached me to be her friend but I was reading her emails to him, as he showed them to me. She was telling him she wanted him back and tried to tell him how I wasnt the one for him. VERY different than what she was telling me.

Deceitfulness is painful for someone to grasp and believe about someone they once loved. Sometimes it blinds them. When a partner is blinded to negative things their ex can do, its time to leave. However, her behavior toward me hurt chrissy even more, and he saw her for who she was, not who she wanted him to believe her to be.

They had a 20 year marriage before she walked out on him for someone else. Hurt him terribly. Damn near killed him. I knew how lethal she was by this alone but she proved to be so much more lethal after the divorce thru other things she did. When I came into the picture and we became more than Missus and sub, I put my foot down and said chose now because I will never trust her because of this. He had kept her in his life because they had shared 20 years together. But there comes a time when someone proves them self bad. Unworthy of friendship. Its not an easy thing for someone to walk away from a past that held such strong strings. But wrong is wrong and if he wanted to move on, he had that decision to make. And he did.

this is what builds relationships. Momentum. Hand in hand. The two of you chose a path and decide to walk it together. If you let someone else interfere, its not to be. They dont HAVE to interfere, but if they do, your decisions about your current will determine if you stay in the past, or move together...

thankfully, not all exes are involved for the wrong reason. However, some are. and this is where the distinction lies about if one can be friends with an ex...

12-05-2012, 07:00 AM	#2
Anya Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Lesbian non-stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Committed to being good to myself Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: West Coast Posts: 8,258 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 39,306 Thanked 40,455 Times in 7,284 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	It really depends. I don't think there is a hard or fast rule. My first girlfriend and I parted friends, lost touch for a long time and recently re-connected. It was just as though no time had passed. My 19-year ex and I, no way. Over a year ago, she came to me with a big story about a recurrence of a prior brain tumor, with a week to live. Previous brain tumor= true. Recurrence with a week to live=not true. After running around, sucked in, helping get her affairs in order and then finding out it was a manipulation-the total end for me. Never again. A couple of months ago she came to my door, uninvited, to tell me she had breast cancer. I told her I could not help her- if it were true but how could I believe her? I sent her away and still hope I did the right thing but she had lied once too many times to me. Another ex and I kind of drifted apart and each of us started dating other people. We really are not right for each other but genuinely like each other. We still text and talk on the phone almost every day. She asks me femme questions and I ask her butch ones! She tells me about her dates and I tell her about mine. I think that we might always be friends. The one rule about relationships is: there are no rules! __________________ ~Anya~ Democracy Dies in Darkness ~Washington Post "...I'm deeply concerned by recently adopted policies which punish children for their parents’ actions ... The thought that any State would seek to deter parents by inflicting such abuse on children is unconscionable." UN Human Rights commissioner

12-05-2012, 11:30 AM	#3
SoftSilver Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: rose cottage Posts: 5,592 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8,948 Thanked 15,906 Times in 4,062 Posts Rep Power*: 21474857	I DO have issues about exes now because of two past experiences and have told anyone who dared come close to me that I dont tolerate imbedded exes in an "us". chrissy's ex is not a problem NOW. She tried to be, long distance. She wanted him back, yet approached me to be a friend. She might have approached me to be her friend but I was reading her emails to him, as he showed them to me. She was telling him she wanted him back and tried to tell him how I wasnt the one for him. VERY different than what she was telling me. Deceitfulness is painful for someone to grasp and believe about someone they once loved. Sometimes it blinds them. When a partner is blinded to negative things their ex can do, its time to leave. However, her behavior toward me hurt chrissy even more, and he saw her for who she was, not who she wanted him to believe her to be. They had a 20 year marriage before she walked out on him for someone else. Hurt him terribly. Damn near killed him. I knew how lethal she was by this alone but she proved to be so much more lethal after the divorce thru other things she did. When I came into the picture and we became more than Missus and sub, I put my foot down and said chose now because I will never trust her because of this. He had kept her in his life because they had shared 20 years together. But there comes a time when someone proves them self bad. Unworthy of friendship. Its not an easy thing for someone to walk away from a past that held such strong strings. But wrong is wrong and if he wanted to move on, he had that decision to make. And he did. this is what builds relationships. Momentum. Hand in hand. The two of you chose a path and decide to walk it together. If you let someone else interfere, its not to be. They dont HAVE to interfere, but if they do, your decisions about your current will determine if you stay in the past, or move together... thankfully, not all exes are involved for the wrong reason. However, some are. and this is where the distinction lies about if one can be friends with an ex... __________________ Pole bachit, a lis chuye. The field sees, the forest hears

12-05-2012, 06:12 AM	#1
Ginger Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme lesbian Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: East coast Posts: 2,416 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,829 Thanked 12,295 Times in 2,057 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	One of my cousins is dying of lung cancer right now. Not deathbed dying yet, but running out of options. Her ex-husband has been wonderful the whole time she's been sick. She always wanted to visit NYC and he took her on a vacation there with their girls. It is tender, what they have now. I also know a friend of a friend who has a degenerative disease and her life is very compromised now. She had moved to be near her mother, and now her ex-husband bought a house near her, so he is in the neighborhood, as well. In the town where my dad grew up, I woman I knew a little through their church was dying, and her ex-husband from decades back, moved in with her and nursed her to the end. None of these were situations were about getting back together. I know if anything happened to my ex, the main one, the one I lived with for ten years, I would be there. Her current partner is jealous of me; it hurts that we can't be friends and I don't think it will happen—but if it did, if she needed me, I would be there.