"The Headpat" - A Femme's Place

JustJo · 12-16-2012, 06:07 PM

Oddly enough I am rarely, if ever, head-patted in my real life. I get the occasional head pat locally in environments that are related to cars, home improvements, etc. Part of this may be because I'm female....and part may be because I truly don't know what is going on most of the time in these areas and it shows.

Tcountry and I laughed about this when hy came out to fix my roof. We were in Lowe's, in the tool section, and hy was about 6 or 8 feet in front of me. No doubt I had a bewildered look on my face, standing there in my floral dress, when a very nice man came up and offered me his card.....general handyman services.

He did not offer one to T.

Is this condescension? It could be seen that way. I prefer to think of it as good marketing and a good sense of who future customers might be. And, yes, I kept his card.

I have NEVER experienced a head pat in my professional work, even though I work with a lot of bio-males, and many people who technically outrank me in the workplace.

Where I have most often experienced it is in our community....online...and most often by femmes.

I think, in part, it's because they don't actually know me. They may have read my posts for years, but if we've never met then they only THINK they know me. I think the anonymous nature of the internet makes people more willing to be rude, condescending, or just plain nasty.

In person, I doubt the same dynamic would be in play.

Having said that....has it happened often here? No. It's been isolated, and only from a very small handful of people.

I prefer to think of it as their issue, not mine.

Angeltoes · 12-16-2012, 06:23 PM

In real life I encounter a lot of headpatting from bio-men. Whether there's something about my demeanor or my voice, bio-males have always been condescending toward me. It's the attitude of 'aw look, she has an opinion' and everything I say becomes a joke or cute. Most women don't do this to me as far as I've noticed. With bio-men, first comes the smirk, then the voice softens or raises an octave or two, then he speaks slowly to me as if to a child. I know who I am now, but it is frustrating. It caused me to develop all kinds of defensive measures namely my self-effacing sense of humor. I basically learned to beat them to the punch and now it's hard to turn that off. I can be humble and try to be gracious, but truly I'm not weak just because I don't fight back. I will simply assume someone is an idiot and not worth the effort after a few chances. Butches don't do that to me to the same degree, BUT I have felt that many butches make themselves the focus of every conversation. They interrupt me frequently or position conversations so that their thoughts and opinions are the default and everything I say is gauged against the standards they created.

I don't know if that’s just my experience or if there's something I do that triggers that kind of attitude. I refuse to act like someone I'm not just to get someone to take me seriously. I won''t engage people like that. They get tuned out and I lose interest in the conversation.

julieisafemme · 12-16-2012, 07:03 PM

Lucky for me I am so clueless half the time I do not register snark or head patting online. The only place I can say I have experienced this is talking about religion and that was butches and femmes who did the head patting because obviously I am intellectually inferior because I believe in G-d.

In real time I deal with head patting from butches and cisgendered men on occasion. It does not bother me but does make me sad sometimes. I feel bad for anyone who can't see me as a human being instead of a collection of stereotyped gendered behaviors.

Nomad · 12-16-2012, 07:36 PM

in r/l, whenever i'm head-patted it's typically because i dont, as a rule, tend to be taken seriously in the first place. this is all a huge change for me. 10 years ago it never would have happened.

in a lot of situations i tend to come across as unsure and awkward, at best, and to be reticent in charged situations. i also dont really take myself seriously anymore. less and less so over the last 5 or 6 years actually. i find it unrealistic to expect that people will treat me respectfully if they see that i lack basic self-esteem or that my self-respect is something that resides on shaky ground.

The_Lady_Snow · 12-16-2012, 07:47 PM

Why yes, I just did.... Imagine that...

aishah · 12-16-2012, 08:07 PM

i get head-patted rather frequently in real life, although it's often hard to tell the reason (ageism, ableism, sexism, racism). people frequently treat me as though i'm much younger than i am, and talk down to me. i've experienced some of that here, although i've felt more of it here over my age than because i identify as femme. most of my head-patting comes from older white men (and sometimes women) whom i work with. every now and then it'll be from a woman or man my own age or younger.

Breezy · 12-16-2012, 10:44 PM

I had to ask someone if this meant literally patting me on my head or was I missing something. I was missing something and the butch did not make me feel badly about having asked.

It has happened to me. It has happened so much I did not realize it most of the time. I thought it was normal. I thought it was just the way butches, some femmes, transmen and some cisgendered men behave. I thought something was wrong with me and I must have said something embarrassing or so totally off base others did not want to hear from me. I was so wrong. I am capable, intelligent, kind and respectful. No one has the inherent right to stop me from speaking, thinking, feeling or going anywhere anytime I please unless it s illegal.

How did it feel? It felt belittling, confusing, condescending, anger inducing, crazy making and it hurt. I would wonder what in the hell is going on? Why am I being shut down? Why can the other person say it but I cannot? Why, when my speaking voice is low and kind, am I being told don't speak to me that way? I discovered this is simply the inner landscape of the person speaking and has absolutely nothing to do with me or what I have/had to say. It had everything to do with the speaker.

Has it happened to me here? If it has happened it didn't register. If it has I also look at it this way, I'd rather be happy than right so knock your socks off. I'll walk away and leave you alone with your head patting once I do realize it.

Universe just handed me an assignment, this thread for reading and speaking. I am recovering from being shut down, shut up and told what I said and did was wrong most every time unless it was supportive of the speaker.

Thank you for posting this.

12-16-2012, 06:07 PM	#1
JustJo Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: pushy broad Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Follow your heart; it knows things your mind cannot explain. Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Southeast corner Posts: 5,633 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 24,417 Thanked 25,406 Times in 4,660 Posts Rep Power: 21474857	Oddly enough I am rarely, if ever, head-patted in my real life. I get the occasional head pat locally in environments that are related to cars, home improvements, etc. Part of this may be because I'm female....and part may be because I truly don't know what is going on most of the time in these areas and it shows. Tcountry and I laughed about this when hy came out to fix my roof. We were in Lowe's, in the tool section, and hy was about 6 or 8 feet in front of me. No doubt I had a bewildered look on my face, standing there in my floral dress, when a very nice man came up and offered me his card.....general handyman services. He did not offer one to T. Is this condescension? It could be seen that way. I prefer to think of it as good marketing and a good sense of who future customers might be. And, yes, I kept his card. I have NEVER experienced a head pat in my professional work, even though I work with a lot of bio-males, and many people who technically outrank me in the workplace. Where I have most often experienced it is in our community....online...and most often by femmes. I think, in part, it's because they don't actually know me. They may have read my posts for years, but if we've never met then they only THINK they know me. I think the anonymous nature of the internet makes people more willing to be rude, condescending, or just plain nasty. In person, I doubt the same dynamic would be in play. Having said that....has it happened often here? No. It's been isolated, and only from a very small handful of people. I prefer to think of it as their issue, not mine. __________________ I'm not tall enough to ride emotional roller coasters

12-16-2012, 07:03 PM	#3
julieisafemme Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Woman Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Married to Greyson Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: In the present Posts: 828 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,156 Thanked 3,434 Times in 660 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Lucky for me I am so clueless half the time I do not register snark or head patting online. The only place I can say I have experienced this is talking about religion and that was butches and femmes who did the head patting because obviously I am intellectually inferior because I believe in G-d. In real time I deal with head patting from butches and cisgendered men on occasion. It does not bother me but does make me sad sometimes. I feel bad for anyone who can't see me as a human being instead of a collection of stereotyped gendered behaviors. __________________ Happiness Bubbling!

12-16-2012, 07:47 PM	#5
The_Lady_Snow MILLION $$$ PUSSY How Do You Identify?: Kinky, Raw, Perverted, Uber Queer Alpha Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Iconic Ms. Relationship Status: Keeper of 3, only one has the map to my freckles Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: La Reina del Sur Posts: 22,488 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 32,231 Thanked 80,080 Times in 15,669 Posts Rep Power: 21474874	Yes! Why yes, I just did.... Imagine that... __________________ "If you’re going to play these dirty games of ours, then you might as well indulge completely. It’s all about turning back into an animal and that’s the beauty of it. Place your guilt on the sidewalk and take a blow torch to it (guilt is usually worthless anyway). Be perverted, be filthy, do things that mannered people shouldn’t do. If you’re going to be gross then go for it and don’t wimp out."---Master Aiden

12-16-2012, 06:23 PM	#2
Angeltoes Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Nunya Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: Bernlandia Posts: 1,740 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,286 Thanked 5,526 Times in 1,386 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	In real life I encounter a lot of headpatting from bio-men. Whether there's something about my demeanor or my voice, bio-males have always been condescending toward me. It's the attitude of 'aw look, she has an opinion' and everything I say becomes a joke or cute. Most women don't do this to me as far as I've noticed. With bio-men, first comes the smirk, then the voice softens or raises an octave or two, then he speaks slowly to me as if to a child. I know who I am now, but it is frustrating. It caused me to develop all kinds of defensive measures namely my self-effacing sense of humor. I basically learned to beat them to the punch and now it's hard to turn that off. I can be humble and try to be gracious, but truly I'm not weak just because I don't fight back. I will simply assume someone is an idiot and not worth the effort after a few chances. Butches don't do that to me to the same degree, BUT I have felt that many butches make themselves the focus of every conversation. They interrupt me frequently or position conversations so that their thoughts and opinions are the default and everything I say is gauged against the standards they created. I don't know if that’s just my experience or if there's something I do that triggers that kind of attitude. I refuse to act like someone I'm not just to get someone to take me seriously. I won''t engage people like that. They get tuned out and I lose interest in the conversation.

12-16-2012, 07:36 PM	#4
Nomad Timed Out How Do You Identify?: stone femme Daddy's girl Preferred Pronoun?: she/her Relationship Status: disinterested Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: in my head Posts: 991 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,848 Thanked 3,745 Times in 734 Posts Rep Power: 0	in r/l, whenever i'm head-patted it's typically because i dont, as a rule, tend to be taken seriously in the first place. this is all a huge change for me. 10 years ago it never would have happened. in a lot of situations i tend to come across as unsure and awkward, at best, and to be reticent in charged situations. i also dont really take myself seriously anymore. less and less so over the last 5 or 6 years actually. i find it unrealistic to expect that people will treat me respectfully if they see that i lack basic self-esteem or that my self-respect is something that resides on shaky ground.

12-16-2012, 08:07 PM	#6
aishah Member How Do You Identify?: queer stone femme shark baby girl Preferred Pronoun?: she, her, little one Relationship Status: dating myself. Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: dallas, tx Posts: 1,495 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,823 Thanked 6,442 Times in 1,288 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	i get head-patted rather frequently in real life, although it's often hard to tell the reason (ageism, ableism, sexism, racism). people frequently treat me as though i'm much younger than i am, and talk down to me. i've experienced some of that here, although i've felt more of it here over my age than because i identify as femme. most of my head-patting comes from older white men (and sometimes women) whom i work with. every now and then it'll be from a woman or man my own age or younger.

12-16-2012, 10:44 PM	#7
Breezy Member How Do You Identify?: . Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: . Posts: 1,372 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 7,337 Thanked 4,555 Times in 1,199 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	I had to ask someone if this meant literally patting me on my head or was I missing something. I was missing something and the butch did not make me feel badly about having asked. It has happened to me. It has happened so much I did not realize it most of the time. I thought it was normal. I thought it was just the way butches, some femmes, transmen and some cisgendered men behave. I thought something was wrong with me and I must have said something embarrassing or so totally off base others did not want to hear from me. I was so wrong. I am capable, intelligent, kind and respectful. No one has the inherent right to stop me from speaking, thinking, feeling or going anywhere anytime I please unless it s illegal. How did it feel? It felt belittling, confusing, condescending, anger inducing, crazy making and it hurt. I would wonder what in the hell is going on? Why am I being shut down? Why can the other person say it but I cannot? Why, when my speaking voice is low and kind, am I being told don't speak to me that way? I discovered this is simply the inner landscape of the person speaking and has absolutely nothing to do with me or what I have/had to say. It had everything to do with the speaker. Has it happened to me here? If it has happened it didn't register. If it has I also look at it this way, I'd rather be happy than right so knock your socks off. I'll walk away and leave you alone with your head patting once I do realize it. Universe just handed me an assignment, this thread for reading and speaking. I am recovering from being shut down, shut up and told what I said and did was wrong most every time unless it was supportive of the speaker. Thank you for posting this.