"The Headpat" - A Femme's Place

[aishah]

i get head-patted rather frequently in real life, although it's often hard to tell the reason (ageism, ableism, sexism, racism). people frequently treat me as though i'm much younger than i am, and talk down to me. i've experienced some of that here, although i've felt more of it here over my age than because i identify as femme. most of my head-patting comes from older white men (and sometimes women) whom i work with. every now and then it'll be from a woman or man my own age or younger.

[Breezy]

I had to ask someone if this meant literally patting me on my head or was I missing something. I was missing something and the butch did not make me feel badly about having asked.

It has happened to me. It has happened so much I did not realize it most of the time. I thought it was normal. I thought it was just the way butches, some femmes, transmen and some cisgendered men behave. I thought something was wrong with me and I must have said something embarrassing or so totally off base others did not want to hear from me. I was so wrong. I am capable, intelligent, kind and respectful. No one has the inherent right to stop me from speaking, thinking, feeling or going anywhere anytime I please unless it s illegal.

How did it feel? It felt belittling, confusing, condescending, anger inducing, crazy making and it hurt. I would wonder what in the hell is going on? Why am I being shut down? Why can the other person say it but I cannot? Why, when my speaking voice is low and kind, am I being told don't speak to me that way? I discovered this is simply the inner landscape of the person speaking and has absolutely nothing to do with me or what I have/had to say. It had everything to do with the speaker.

Has it happened to me here? If it has happened it didn't register. If it has I also look at it this way, I'd rather be happy than right so knock your socks off. I'll walk away and leave you alone with your head patting once I do realize it.

Universe just handed me an assignment, this thread for reading and speaking. I am recovering from being shut down, shut up and told what I said and did was wrong most every time unless it was supportive of the speaker.

Thank you for posting this.

[always2late]

I think I've experienced this more from bio-men than any other group. I find that it happens most often in conversation...either a conversation between me and another, or if I am part of a small group of people conversing. The person speaking (as I said, usually a bio-male) will use a "big" word, and then pause, turn to me, and feel the need to explain what they just said...dumbing it down, of course. This infuriates me. First, if I don't understand something...I have no problem asking the person speaking to clarify their statement. Second, just because I am blonde (oh those stereotypes at work!) it doesn't mean that my hair has somehow seeped into my brain and strangled it. And last, but not least, the fact that I have a vagina doesn't lower my IQ. When this has happened, I've often said to the person "I understood perfectly what you said and didn't ask for an explanation. What made you assume I didn't understand you?" I've never gotten an answer.

[spritzerJ]

Head patting experiences...

Not many on line. If I feel like head patting is a persons way of interacting with femmes I tend to not enjoy their company and avoid them. Once I believed someone was "head patting" and I addressed it. Often it doesn't register. And I am learning to distinguish it.

In the B-F or larger queer community...
Sometimes but again I avoid the "head patting" folks. I also have very little experience with community (work and parent that's what I do) so that limits my response pool.

from Cis-men...
I get head patting in relation to cars, the weather, driving, fixing things, etc. I can either raise the point of my actual skill level or acknowledge my skill deficits and welcome the advice with a reminder that it is impossible to tell from my female status what I already know.

From other women...
It drives me absolutely batty and happens frequently. It happened recently at work with a woman supervisor. It was appalling and I still haven't figured out how to address it with the actual person. Some women I talk to about it with get it others just dismiss it. As part of what we are expected to put up with. I am trying to understand my very angry response. I'm not ready to address it calmly yet.

[Sachita]

Living in the south and in areas where the great white men think they rule you see a lot of this. I don't get it so much and when I do I call it right away. I did have an occasion when I went to a lawyer over a property issue. He was your typical Virginian southern old school man who made the very bad mistake of being condensing and telling me to act like a lady. I stood up and ripped him a new asshole before storming out. Nothing lady like about that!

Within the BF or queer community it never happens.

[tantalizingfemme]

I guess I have been lucky since I don't have this happen often in real life or ever online.

And to be truthful, when it happens in real life (and never with butch, femme, trans, queer etc) it happens mostly because I want it too... sometimes it helps me to get things to happen faster, when I play the game.

[Vivacious1]

I have totally experienced this!!!!!

I have gotten the "What you don't understand"
"I'll take care of this" (Basically suggesting it isn't my place"
The attempt of trying to talk over my head as if I am a child
Making financial decisions without my input
ETC....

I initially felt angry, because of the idea that I was not smart enough (because I was a "girl) or simply because that wasn't my role. After the anger subsided, I made myself quite clear. I met the other person at the level they were talking at and let them know I could meet them toe to toe with intellect. I would be involved in financial decisions and just because I "choose" not to do certain things, in no way means I "can't" do them!!!