Long Distance Relationships

[nycfem]

BB's and my relationship was an LDR for the first year (nothing terrible, NY / Boston). I remember lots of exciting phone sex and lots of long bus rides on the Fung Wah line that runs all day and night back and forth between NYC and Boston. In fact I was on the Fung Wah when BB called me and told me a year into our relationship that hy'd just been contacted by a head hunter for an incredible job in NYC. Receiving that phone call was even more exciting than the phone sex . Wow, I was so ready for BB to move in!

Of course BB was in a much scarier position than me: having to uproot hymself from somewhere hy'd lived for the last 20 years and all that goes with that. On the first day hy moved in instead of being stressed we were laughing through all the stress of the move (not to mention I lived in a 4th floor walk-up), and I recall thinking that was a good sign. We still make each other crack up even when things in life are hard.

Over the years, BB felt the discomfort of having moved into my space. However, I was adamant that we must stay because the bldg was rent stabilized (any NYer will understand my sentiments!). Then when an extended construction on the bldg took place (as in years of the bldg flooding and the ceiling falling in, etc.), BB broke down in tears and said hy was not breaking up but that he was going to move out whether I did or not. Hy went around, looking at 10 apartments a day, and finally found one that was perfect for us, smaller but so much more stable than our current situation. Of course I went with hym and ended up much happier than I'd been in the old apt. I think this was a real positive step in our relationship because this new space was neutral territory, and we planned it out together. It was no longer hym in my space but us in our space. It only made our relationship stronger.

[Soft*Silver]

Jenn, I have to say, that having an "our" space instead of a "my" space is a damn good idea for any kind of couple. Even tho chrissy and I are not in an LDR, and he is living with me in my space, *I* feel that tug of "my" space.

but because this is a thread about LDRs, let me continue in that vein of thought...

At times, I hated living with the butches I moved across the states for. It was "their" home, not mine or ours. I didnt have much of a say in how to decorate. Or where the spices went in the kitchen cupboards. I had to have "permission" to make changes.


Having a new space, where no one has historic roots or sentimental memories attached, might help a relationship stabilize faster or better. However, if the relationship isnt meant to work, I doubt ANY environment would make it work.

[kissinfemme]

My take on this LDR is that the 25 hours that separate us has indeed forced us to talk, about everything under the sun.... our fears & triggers yes but also what makes us tick, our wants, our needs, desires, dreams, our families (dysfunctional as they are, lol), what makes us laugh & sex of course.

What I do like is the getting to know her without the sex getting in the way & taking over the relationship. It seems to me that building the foundation of a relationship on the old fashioned way of talking is surely more solid than on how hot the sex is.... Right?

It does have it's drawbacks, of course, like we don't know if there's actual physical chemistry, no sex (yet), no dates (yet), no kissing or hugging. When either of us has a bad day/moment there is no physical comfort of a touch.

Her voice & her words bring me comfort & happiness, not to mention laughter & the "stories" I've grown fond of.

But we both agreed we wanted to see where this takes us & are willing to put in the time & effort. Even if one of us has to be wearing make-up when we Skype.

In 26 days we'll know whats what & if what we're feeling is the real deal. And if the chemistry is alive & screaming (small pun intended).

[MsM]

So, hi. First time I've posted heh

I'm in a LDR, and have been on almost a year now. We met in person in January of this year, and have seen each other every other weekend since then. Summer is great because she's a teacher and can come visit for longer periods.

What works for us is:

1. Schedule. We both know when the other will always call, and we always know the next time we will see each other in person.
2. Date Night. Every Wednesday, no matter what is happening we spend the evening on FaceTime.
3. Patience. We know when we'll be together 7/14 and we work towards that time. I can't imagine doing this with a nebulous we'll be together some day thought.
4. Trust. We are both so blessed that our love for eachother has no room for doubts. We did in the beginning, and worked through them together. Thankfully our doubts were just based on not believing we actually found someone - not trust issues as in jealousy/cheating business.

We want to uhaul, good grief do we. I'm not exactly a spring chicken (she's younger than I am by 10 years but what can I say she's one sexy butch) and we both have responsibilities. We want to make sure our sh!t is straight before we combine our lives.

Others have spoken of the challenge of once you do move in from a LDR, and I read those posts the most eagerly. We got this distance thing down, but I think I'd be foolish to not realize we'll have other challenges once she's here.

Marla

[Ginger]

You know I just remembered something that might be helpful for people.

Ms.Maria's post about what helps her stay connected in an LDR triggered it.

I had a 3-month LDR with something who lived upstate, about two hours away, and he would make sure that before we said good-bye at the end of a visit, we sat down with our planners and set up our next or the two next visits.

It was our little ritual, reassuring and sweet. He made it clear that setting up the visits was a form of commitment.

I had forgotten about that.

Anyway, for what it's worth, at the end of a visit, I'd recommend setting up the next visit, making it into a little ritual and opportunity to show commitment to each other, in person.

If that feels right to you.

[Hollylane]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

You know I just remembered something that might be helpful for people.

Ms.Maria's post about what helps her stay connected in an LDR triggered it.

I had a 3-month LDR with something who lived upstate, about two hours away, and he would make sure that before we said good-bye at the end of a visit, we sat down with our planners and set up our next or the two next visits.

It was our little ritual, reassuring and sweet. He made it clear that setting up the visits was a form of commitment.

I had forgotten about that.

Anyway, for what it's worth, at the end of a visit, I'd recommend setting up the next visit, making it into a little ritual and opportunity to show commitment to each other, in person.

If that feels right to you.

Gaige and I have done this each time...It really helps take a little of the sting away from saying our farewells...Also, something that we have learned, is to never procrastinate about getting to the airport. There is nothing worse than having to rush through your kisses and hugs because your partner has to rush through the airport to catch a flight. That happened to us in Little Rock, and it was damn hard.

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by Hollylane

Gaige and I have done this each time...It really helps take a little of the sting away from saying our farewells...Also, something that we have learned, is to never procrastinate about getting to the airport. There is nothing worse than having to rush through your kisses and hugs because your partner has to rush through the airport to catch a flight. That happened to us in Little Rock, and it was damn hard.

That's really smart. I can see how skilled the two of you are getting, in maximizing your time together. I know you just finished your master's degree program and the two of you are are working toward a shared life somehow. I feel kind of privileged to know you at this stage and someday maybe I can look back on it and say, I remember when they were in an LDR!

[thedivahrrrself]

On the subject of relocation (and I will preface this by saying this is Just My Two Cents), I personally would not move in with someone while relocating to a new city. There are a few reasons for this.

1. You're going to have to get used to seeing each other a lot more often. Add living together to the mix, and it sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. There's a difference getting to know each other when you're travelling to see someone and getting to know each other when you're both doing the daily grind of work and house chores, and all that jazz.
2. In a new community, you will need to make your own friends. It will be hard not to just make your partner's friends into your friends. Having your own space and some independence in a new city allows you to explore the city and the people without only seeing the city through your partner's eyes. In my eyes, this makes you less dependent on the person who already lives there, and I think some measure of independence is extremely important. If you move somewhere, and your whole world, in that new place, is your partner, that's a lot of pressure on them, and it only sets you up for disappointment when they can't be everything to you.
3. There is no such thing as "not moving in quick enough". LOL Many people (IMHO) move too quickly. I know I have before, and the results were disastrous. I'm working off the hypothesis that slower moving relationships may achieve more stable, long-term results. I will let you know how my research progresses