Lesbian bed death?

[Mister Bent]

Originally Posted by Dude

let us not forget horse's and their come hither , impossible to ignore *wink* thing they do

There's definitely some kind of horse parts up in here.*


Sheep dip, anyone?






*My apologies to actual horses.

[Admin]

Originally Posted by The cute widdle wesbian

Lolol, it's so fun making people just cringe. Chill out, I know what I do and you can believe whatcha want to, I'm just explaining what I meant, don't shoot the messenger. I didn't make it up. Oooh, it doesn't "self-fulfill" me, I'm perfectly happily sexual sexual sexual. :P

Cute Widdle Wesbian,

Welcome to the site!
I don't know if your intent in this thread is to, indeed, "make people cringe" but I've had a couple of complaints from folks who think you are a troll looking to stir up trouble on this site. I really hope that isn't the case and that your humor just isn't translating well.

Either way, please review the Terms of Service for this site so that you will have a clear idea of how we would like the membership to interact with one another:


http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/inde...20of%20Service

Thanks,
Admin

[Softhearted]

Hmmm, as a biologist and scientist, when some "facts" are stated, I'm always curious about the source, the methodology behind the statements and who made the research and in what year... just saying, that if someone has blanket statements and claims it to be science, give me the source... Thanks, end of my rent (and no, I'm not PMSing), any scientist, male or female, would wonder the same thing!

[imperfect_cupcake]

I had bed death in a relationship once. It was with my boyfriend (xy male) at the time. We were both young and the best of friends. There was nothing "wrong" with our relationship to each other (no trust issues broken, we loved each other tons etc) but I think that our extremely high level of intimacy without the frission of sexual adventure made it just melt into a friendship only thing. The last year we were together, we had sex about four times, I think. It was pretty clunky the last two times. If you don't use it, you lose it - and what I didn't know back then was: you have to put aside times to just have a go anyway. and do it while doing something new and what both turns you on.

I like diiiiirty sex. And it wasn't dirty any more so I lost my desire for it. Not for him, really, just for the calm, intimate sex that is nice as a topping but I just can't get into as a main course. I also didn't know that then. I do know better now. stressors still happen and I have highly intimate relationships (which can put stress on your love life). But I know now to say, "I want my hands tied if you are going to do that" or "how bout here on the couch instead of in bed" - having sex in bed every single time in exactly the same way because we are both super tired most of the time and want to have sex but have 20 minutes to do so cause we need sleep... is a killer for me. I'd rather not have sex for an extra week then have it on a weekend afternoon we've put aside (regardless of if I'm in the mood or not - I can be stirred into the mood if it's different, novel, dirty or nasty in some way) because repetitiveness will get me to "neh, I think I'm too tired. lets sleep"

And from what I hear from my other friends, that's a common complaint that does lead to het/homo bed death.

[Sev]

Originally Posted by JustJo

Hello all

I was going to post last night, but was so tired that I doubted I could form a coherent sentence. As I lay in bed I thought...funny...I'm too exhausted for posting, but not for sex...so, at least for me, physical tiredness has nothing to do with it.

I've been interested to read the comments here...don't agree necessarily, but interested just the same.

Let's see...for me, intimacy and sex are totally different things. I can have one without the other. I generally don't...but I can.

It isn't a lack of testosterone....I'm definitely not flooded with that, but I have a stronger sex drive than "normal" (men included).

And it isn't about a negative image or disapproval from the larger culture, because I didn't get the normal "sex is bad/dirty" messaging that many women get growing up, and I don't care what anyone thinks...and, also, I've had the same phenomenon happen in relationships with bio-men as well.

So....what is it then, for me?

A few things can happen....if I am angry, or feel attacked, or undervalued...then I don't feel sexual. I feel defensive or hurt, and those don't lead to either sexual desire or the feeling of desirability, value and safety that I need to want sex. That's the most common...

I've heard of people in long-term (as in years) relationships without sex...not only lesbian relationships, but also hetero relationships. I was in one for almost 2 years, and the lack of sexual connection killed the relationship. For me, sex is a crucial part. No, I don't have a particular timetable or act or *fill in the blank* that must happen...I'm not that rigid...but there has to be a sexual connection and a spark. As I've said in these forums before....if our bed is only for sleeping, then I'm an unhappy woman.

Here's what happens in my head...I am intimate with my best friend. I love her. She loves me. We know everything (and I do mean every thing) about each other. I have held her hand in the hospital. She has clipped my toenails when I was pregnant and couldn't reach them anymore. I have helped her check the "what the hell is that?" in a place she couldn't see. We are closer than most sisters. We think alike. We even look a bit alike. But we do not have a sexual spark with each other.

If I am in a love relationship, and our sex life dies, then I start to feel about you (general you) the way I do about her. There may be love. There may be intimacy. But suddenly we are sisters or friends....and it isn't the same. I don't plan my future with my friend, as much as I love her. I don't want to spend every night wrapped in her arms, as much as she loves me.

For me, there has to be more than love...more than intimacy...more than companionship...more than shared values....more than a shared residence.

I totally agree with justjo.I found with my ex gf the more we disagreed on things the more rocky our relationship got. Also I think when I was stressed about work the last thing I did was to be intimate, and this was the start of our death-bed.

[*Anya*]

I have never experienced lesbian bed death.

During the first 7-years of my long-term relationship, we had sex virtually every night.

After I found out that she cheated on me, it did decrease for a while but did not die until the 19th year when I just could not deal with her final betrayal.

Until that last year though, there was just something between us that was so electric that all she had to do was touch me and I wanted her.

No matter what.

I would have a very hard time accepting the death of a great sex life. It would be a real loss.

[Mel]

My last round of Chemo seriously effected my sex drive. It wasn't that I lost interest.....I tried to explain to my wife it must be how men feel with E.D. You want to.....you just can't.
I did lose interest in even trying when it became obvious she was getting her needs met elsewhere.
She moved out in August after 10 years together.
I have a "tentitive" date for NYE.........but will I be expected to do the NYE kiss?? I know this may sound odd, but I've been faithful to the ex since our first kiss in 2001. Even now....casual sex just doesn't interest me at all anymore.
Maybe I'm just being gun shy.
Suggestions.....comments....

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by guihong

... No one's mentioned menopause and its changes and effects on the sex drive, but thus far I haven't noticed much, personally. That's another reason it's so important to take care of ourselves and our bodies as we get into midlife. The day I stop having sex, or feeling sensual with myself, is the day I call it a life.

quihong, I hope it's okay that I excerpt only this part of your post:

Like you and some others here, I cannot say that I have experienced a diminished sex drive over the course of my lifetime. Even with exiting a perio-menopause state: which, technically, if how I understand menopause, it's the state of being that follows the perio-menopause state.

What I was going to say is that for me, even now, my sex drive feels like it always has - I have strong libido, even after going through a very tough, albeit short, perio-menopause state. I think my time was shorter than most maybe because my active menses state began when I was very young (right after I turned 9 years old) with my active menses years extending to when I turned 50. It's just been lately, since summer, that I have been free of my active menses state. Even when I entered into an perio-menopause trajectory, which was the worst ever time of my life (a menses cycle that lasted longer than 8 weeks, then disappeared for several months), my sex drive raged more.

Sometimes, when it comes to diminished sex drives, I have to wonder whether there are other elements that come into play (health issues, for example) or even unresolved relationship/communication issues, because I have to agree with you and others (take Jo's post, for example), that for me too, I think my sex drive would falter if there were unresolved issues or communication barriers impeding upon a person's sex drive... I do believe my sex drive is spark driven.

For the most part, I'm terribly grateful that I feel sparkly (sparky) and that my sex drive seems to be in tact; especially since my own experience with having made it past the perio-menopausal state.

[puddin']

Originally Posted by Kätzchen

quihong, I hope it's okay that I excerpt only this part of your post:

Like you and some others here, I cannot say that I have experienced a diminished sex drive over the course of my lifetime. Even with exiting a perio-menopause state: which, technically, if how I understand menopause, it's the state of being that follows the perio-menopause state.

What I was going to say is that for me, even now, my sex drive feels like it always has - I have strong libido, even after going through a very tough, albeit short, perio-menopause state. I think my time was shorter than most maybe because my active menses state began when I was very young (right after I turned 9 years old) with my active menses years extending to when I turned 50. It's just been lately, since summer, that I have been free of my active menses state. Even when I entered into an perio-menopause trajectory, which was the worst ever time of my life (a menses cycle that lasted longer than 8 weeks, then disappeared for several months), my sex drive raged more.

Sometimes, when it comes to diminished sex drives, I have to wonder whether there are other elements that come into play (health issues, for example) or even unresolved relationship/communication issues, because I have to agree with you and others (take Jo's post, for example), that for me too, I think my sex drive would falter if there were unresolved issues or communication barriers impeding upon a person's sex drive... I do believe my sex drive is spark driven.

For the most part, I'm terribly grateful that I feel sparkly (sparky) and that my sex drive seems to be in tact; especially since my own experience with having made it past the perio-menopausal state.

i second dis emotion...

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Corkey

I have to wonder what would happen if at any point in a relationship one partner ends up with a condition that precludes them from having or participating in sex. I married my partner for better or worse, that includes the sex. Dumping a partner because there is a lack of sex in my opinion, is ridicules. Communication.

Corkey this is one of the best posts i've seen.

Since when does almighty sex trump everything else in a couples life?

Of course sex is a good thing, but if that i the string holding it together that is a sad thing.

If that is all i mean to you, you are not for me.

[~ocean]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Corkey this is one of the best posts i've seen.

Since when does almighty sex trump everything else in a couples life?

Of course sex is a good thing, but if that i the string holding it together that is a sad thing.

If that is all i mean to you, you are not for me.

I agree w/ u both ~~ u love for better or worse ~~ btw HI (((( dee ))))

[SaltyButch]

This term "lesbian bed death" is one that has been around for forever, it's unfortunate that negativity prevails over all. I can only speak to my experiences, and I have been in relationships where the sex was plentiful and waned and regained momentum. The reason mostly is not because you lack the physical desire but that we are emotional beings and therefore when our emotions come into play all aspects of our life are affected.

I am in agreement that sex is not the be all and end all in a relationship but it is important and to me can be the glue...if I am physically separate from someone for any length of time I feel disconnected. Of course, if my partner has some ailment that presents a challenge that is a whole different ballgame and I would stay by her side.

The "death" in my opinion is much like "making love" it starts long before you reach the bedroom, and therefore each moment and each day should be one that nurtures the soul of each of you so that your "bed" can flourish.

[sharonsuburbia]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Corkey this is one of the best posts i've seen.

Since when does almighty sex trump everything else in a couples life?

Of course sex is a good thing, but if that i the string holding it together that is a sad thing.

If that is all i mean to you, you are not for me.

i very much agree and i was on the str8 marriage side - no sex ever by my choice but had i not come out and was still married i am there for better or worse just as if now if i was married to another woman i would be

[homoe]

I know it’s always been associated with lesbians but really isn’t “death bed" prevalent with all relationships whether heterosexual or homosexual? What nincompoop had to assoicate it just with lesbians?

[macele]

sex is over rated. now affection, lesbians know affection better than anybody LOL.

[not2shygrrl]

I have been the cause of lesbian bed death and I have received the same result by another.

When I have caused it, on more than one occasion it was directly in relation to my emotions over a period of time while in the relationship. After attempts to work through couples issues that normally come up......I start drifting into the I am losing my desire for you space. That is to say the longer these issues take to address, or get ignored, or attempted to get through only to fall back, the less I want to be intimate with her. I can only do part of what is needed in the relationship at this point, there has to be effort on the other side. SO when that effort is non existent, or seriously lacking over a period of time, that speaks to my emotions and rather than be conditional, my libido kicks in at some point and slowly ebbs away. I won't fake it or pretend either way. It is not easy to go through, and what was wanted was the emotional substance that was lacking. I am a patient woman, but if I feel used and issues are not addressed, the ebbing starts. Sex is not the most important thing in my idea of a relationship, but it sure is pretty important. Let me add that intimacy most of the time for me does not always involve sex. And said intimacy will and can help carry the non-existence presence of sex, again tho, there are two people who need to participate in this......

[*Anya*]

Even if you haven't heard of "IT," you most likely have experienced it. Lesbian Bed Death is a phrase coined by Pepper Schwartz and Phillip Blumstein in 1983 from a study they conducted on diminished sexual activity in long-term relationships.

Basically, it’s the term used to describe the death knell of the monogamous sex life of a couple. Their study included monogamous lesbian, gay and heterosexual couples.

http://www.shewired.com/lifestyle/na...eath?page=full

All long-term couples have a decrease in sexual activity.

Lesbian bed death is a myth that will not die.


"You Can Tell Just By Looking": And 20 Other Myths about LGBT Life and People
By Michael Bronski, Ann Pellegrini, Michael Amico

A totally irritating myth specifically about lesbians.

You don't hear a catchy phrase called"heterosexual bed death" do you?

[imperfect_cupcake]

No, with heterosexuals, it's just called "bed death." there is no sexuality qualifier on it. My het friends bitch about it. The women, usually.

[not2shygrrl]

Call it by any name or label that you choose (people in general and no one specific). It is not a bed death sentence, but a term used to give or lead to information/discussion. This can apply to relationships over all and not exclusive to lesbians. I would not begin a statement saying I have lived/done this lesbian bed death in relationships with my boyfriend for example....LOL I have never even had a boyfriend. What I apply it to is me...being a lesbian. So yea, the following stands true, and the terminology for me is fine. The interpretation over the course of 20 years or so has been askew no doubt from the original usage. Something is told over and over again and we all know what happens, how that info changes and even the intent of the info or how it is used. There have been many times that I have felt trounced upon by words for being a lesbian, this set of words does not phase me negatively. This post is the first time I have heard the term, and it is not something I would adopt into my language usage. Just because I would rather more fully describe what it means to lose desire than use the "slang" .

Originally Posted by not2shygrrl

I have been the cause of lesbian bed death and I have received the same result by another.

[iamkeri1]

I am a well educated, fairly attractive, fairly successful female. I'm an adult and I know that I should not have to depend on how I am seen by others, or specifically by my partner for my self image. I don't know if I have a strong sex drive or not. I just know that if my partner puts energy into keeping me satisfied sexually, it will go a long way toward helping me be happy in the relationship as well. They will not be sorry for this effort on my behalf. In return, I will do everthing in my power to help them be happy.

But if my partner does not desire me sexually, does not seek me out for sexual intimacy, or respond positively when I seek them out, or if I am prevented by role boundaries that they set up from even being allowed to initiate sexual activity beween us, then, I'm sorry to say, as politically incorrect as it is, I START FEELING LIKE SHIT about myself.

If I share my feelings with them about my desire for sexual interaction with them, and they make excuses, make no effort to increase the level of sexual activity in our relationship, then I am sorry to say that things begin to go down hill between us. I begin to feel unloved and undesirable. I start noticing things that they are doing that I do not like, or which affect me negatively. I start running a tally in my head about who is doing "more" in the relationship. I review things that they have said to me, or told me they would do to see if they are keeping their word to me in other parts of our relationship. And I get ANGRY! I am meeting their needs, how can they choose to leave my needs unmet? My interest in pleasing them grows less. I begin to react negatively to them touching me in any way. I don't wish to kiss them or have any kind of intimacy. I want to sleep in a separate room. Leads to one f-d up relationship. And it makes me start looking for the door. I agree with Jo that while an intimate (in every non-sexual way) relationship is a wonderful thing to have, it is not what I want from my partner.

Medications may reduce desire, pain may make "positioning" more difficult, depression makes it harder, other activities get in the way, life happens, blah blah blah. As citybutch says, you have to commit to make time for each other and sexual interaction. Turn the television off, send the kids and grand kids home, take a pain pill or anti-depressant, pick a spot that is comfortable for you, and lets get at it.


Banish bed death from the world!!!

Smooches,
Keri