When Your Boss Says Inappropriate Things--

Soon · 03-26-2010, 10:12 PM

It happens so quickly that I am digesting what is said and she is already on a different point. I am in a state of WTF!?!?! And she is still blah blah blah--ing.

She is rarely there, so the times that we do have an informal discussion, she rambles, inserts shit, talks fast, move on; it seems that the time to SAY something has already passed, and it would be really awkward to say--at the end--oh, well, um, you know when you said THIS?!?!--well, that is wrong, inappropriate...etc.

But, maybe I should just insert my thoughts after she is done her end of the conversation?--trust me, there are NO pauses for me to say, "Wait a minute..."

And, this is the person who WILL (or won't) be writing me a reference letter when I move on; doesn't that play into people's minds when calling their bosses on their behaviour and/or language?

MrSunshine · 03-26-2010, 10:16 PM

just leave a gay mulatto tack on her seat, maybe she'll get the point

Soon · 03-26-2010, 10:18 PM

Thanks for the helpful advice.

Corkey · 03-26-2010, 11:24 PM

Write her a letter if she wont give you a moment of her time. Call her on it, it can be done politely if you need to.

Odarlin · 03-27-2010, 01:08 AM

well,
One idea.

You could introduce a proposal for a sensitivity in the workplace seminar as a way to maintain an up to date and professional image in a rapidly changing global market place. Make the idea make her look good. I don't think this is about being right, it's about making an effective change and if she gets on board it could be pretty effective. Hell, it's her job to call people on this.

Even if she doesn't jump for the proposal she might consider how her comments are perceived in a fresh light.

If she doesn't reflect on it then nothing you said would have made much of a difference anyway.

If that's the case there is always the tack.

Queerasfck · 03-27-2010, 01:46 AM

HSIN,

A couple of ideas. You could ignore her and avoid her. Since she's not there a lot of the time it probably wouldn't be that hard. Grin and bear it.
Or you could ask to speak to her one on one in a private meeting and bring up the issues.
Or you could immediately correct her when she says something rude or offensive. Maybe something like "you know it's really inappropriate and insensitive to call someone ________________."
Lastly, since she says inappropriate things all the time I am sure there are other staff members who feel the same way you do. If you trust them maybe you could all talk to her together. Then you could all band together and get her crazy stupid ass fired!
Good luck with this! Keep us posted.

rockybcn · 03-27-2010, 04:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HowSoonIsNow

It happens so quickly that I am digesting what is said and she is already on a different point. I am in a state of WTF!?!?! And she is still blah blah blah--ing.

She is rarely there, so the times that we do have an informal discussion, she rambles, inserts shit, talks fast, move on; it seems that the time to SAY something has already passed, and it would be really awkward to say--at the end--oh, well, um, you know when you said THIS?!?!--well, that is wrong, inappropriate...etc.

But, maybe I should just insert my thoughts after she is done her end of the conversation?--trust me, there are NO pauses for me to say, "Wait a minute..."

And, this is the person who WILL (or won't) be writing me a reference letter when I move on; doesn't that play into people's minds when calling their bosses on their behaviour and/or language?

This is just my .02cents worth....
Your boss is obviously bigoted in her thinking and if she has spoken this way in the past around her superiors and they have not corrected it....its not going to change! It sounds to me that she rambles on without taking a breath because either she doesnt care about you or anyone elses take on the matters. She just isnt looking for feedback! OR.... she rambles on because she may be very insecure about her own job(position) capabilities . In that case, if she feels threatened, you could be committing suicide on the job by interjecting or correcting her. If you intend to climb the ladder there or intend on leaving one day for bettering yourself in another position...she may hold the deciding factor on your reference. If you are not on a daily contact with her...this is a consolation! Its only about picking your battles! Good luck.

UofMfan · 03-27-2010, 08:15 AM

I agree with Rockybcn, it is a matter of picking your battles.

What I would do is keep a written log of every time she does this. Then when she has written your letter of recommendation and you are ready to move on, you can write a letter to the Board in which you detail all her inappropriate remarks and recommend they take action.

Patience is a virtue, and you need that letter to move on. Stay calm, have a plan!

weatherboi · 03-27-2010, 09:17 AM

Ok....comments of that nature are totally unacceptable in the work place...we all know this!!! The advice to keep a daily log is great advice and if you have an HR department I suggest you go speak with them. I do not think it would be to your advantage to speak with her one on one only because if she has prejudice that is hard core she may figure a way to use that one on one against you or anything else for that matter. When speaking about your future exit reference letter I would also voice these concerns and any others you have to HR. I think you realize comments of this nature will probably not stop coming from your boss so you may want to really strategize how you are going to handle this situation in the future. This may be your chance to stand up for yourself(not saying you dont already) and make a difference. Good luck!!!!

theoddz · 03-27-2010, 09:46 AM

I call folks out on this sort of shit.

Years ago, I worked at the San Diego Naval Medical Center. I worked for the Department of the Navy and worked in a military environment, so I respected that environment's culture and never outed myself. It wasn't like you couldn't look at me and tell that I had a different gender presentation and so on, but I just never confirmed or denied.

In my old department, we had a mix of civilian employees of varying ages, cultures and ethnicity, and with me there, add in sexual orientation and gender presentation at that time. We also had a generous number of active duty Sailors who worked alongside us. They were young men and women in their mid to late 20's, for the most part....a few a bit older. Those people used to sit around the report table and tell tasteless jokes about women, minorities and gays. I had to sit there and bite my tongue. I thought about speaking up, many times, but held my tongue because it was a military environment and I know that culture very well. I'm a former Woman Marine and I served in a time and place where being a Woman and a Marine, not to mention gay, was hell on Earth.

I did finally out myself to my boss, who was one of the very best bosses I've ever had. He was a very portly (I felt very comfy with this!!) guy with bad knees, a wicked sense of humor, a "feel" for people and a heart of pure gold. He knew how to manage people and he was extremely open minded. The day I outed myself to my boss, I never felt better in my life. The words just kind of came out in casual conversation and they just kept coming. I told him about my life, how I met my beautiful Jan and how we were living together despite the immigration laws against us. Jan was Canadian and had moved down to the States to be with me. We'd been together for about 3 years by the time I had my little talk with Ron, my boss. He understood where I was coming from, and then I began to talk about how the jokes and negative attitudes of my coworkers affected me, being that my sexual orientation was not "straight". I told him that I often sat and wondered if I was the only one at that table who got a sicky, sinking feeling in the pit of my gut when the hate and intolerance was directed at me and "my kind". More than that, I wondered how many of my coworkers felt sad and ill at ease because they might have a GLBTQ friend, brother, sister, maybe even a parent or other family member??

Even more interesting was the thought that some of these folks talking like this might even have tendencies or orientations that they are afraid of addressing in themselves?? Self loathing can take on many forms, you know. I happen to think that someone who might be struggling with their own identity/orientation might find this sort of talk and pack mentality to be very damaging. I'll own having transphobic feelings back in the day, because it hit a bit too close to home for my own comfort at the time, but that's just me. I see the errors in my former ways now and I have owned them and had resolution over the years, but I also see the humanity in the inhumanity, too. Does that make sense??

Nowdays, I call folks out on their hatred/intolerance/biggotry. I let them know that it's not okay. I always mention that someone there, maybe, but not necessarily just me, may have friends and/or family whom they dearly love who may not fit in to what society might expect. Bottom line is...it's cruel, it hurts and in many workplaces, it's illegal and actionable as such. I know in mine it is.

I've transitioned fully now, and I've been told by practically everyone who meets me that they would have never known I was trans unless I outed myself. Well, that may or may not be true, I don't know. I know how many Femmes feel now about invisibility, because I have it now for the first time in my life. I think when you have that invisibility going on, it drives home the point to some of these oafs that they can't always tell by sight who they're talking to...or even about. That in itself, is a bit of a "check" on them. Not surprisingly, I hear about 95% more distasteful, sexist, homophobic, transphobic jokes and remarks. I'm in "the Boys' Club" and, believe me, it's a free-for-all in there. That's why I also know that it's even more important to call people out when they make insensitive, hateful remarks. It's important to let folks know that this sort of thing is not okay. Apparently, they've been given free pass up to now from others who have said nothing, but remained silent and "let it go". That's like condoning it. Same thing. If more folks stepped up and said something, maybe people like your boss would keep their mouths shut.

Anyway, this is my take, but only you know what your work environment is like and how to approach things. I will say that I hope you pull your boss aside and let her know that you, and maybe even more folks who heard her statements, don't appreciate such insensitivity.

Good luck to you.

~Theo~

Miss Scarlett · 03-27-2010, 11:50 AM

In my last 2 jobs I had to put up with that kind of nonsense.

How much do you need the paycheck?

I asked myself this and it kept me from telling those employers where to stick it and then walking off the job.

I swallowed my pride, tweaked my resume and started interviewing. When I found new jobs I left them with as short a notice as possible.

03-26-2010, 10:16 PM	#2
MrSunshine Senior Member How Do You Identify?: The Gardner Preferred Pronoun?: Ummmm Relationship Status: Nah Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Sunshine State, State of Sunshine Posts: 2,616 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,577 Thanked 3,891 Times in 1,155 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	grade school we go just leave a gay mulatto tack on her seat, maybe she'll get the point

03-26-2010, 11:24 PM	#4
Corkey Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Human Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Very Married Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Where I want to be Posts: 8,155 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 47,491 Thanked 29,270 Times in 6,637 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	Write her a letter if she wont give you a moment of her time. Call her on it, it can be done politely if you need to. __________________ "Many proposals have been made to us to adopt your laws, your religion, your manners and your customs. We would be better pleased with beholding the good effects of these doctrines in your own practices, than with hearing you talk about them". ~Old Tassel, Chief of the Tsalagi (Cherokee)

03-27-2010, 01:46 AM	#6
Queerasfck Senior Member How Do You Identify?: still ballin' Relationship Status: Triple X Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: west side Posts: 2,544 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,716 Thanked 6,488 Times in 1,638 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	HSIN, A couple of ideas. You could ignore her and avoid her. Since she's not there a lot of the time it probably wouldn't be that hard. Grin and bear it. Or you could ask to speak to her one on one in a private meeting and bring up the issues. Or you could immediately correct her when she says something rude or offensive. Maybe something like "you know it's really inappropriate and insensitive to call someone ________________." Lastly, since she says inappropriate things all the time I am sure there are other staff members who feel the same way you do. If you trust them maybe you could all talk to her together. Then you could all band together and get her crazy stupid ass fired! Good luck with this! Keep us posted. __________________ http://www.advertisingarchives.co.uk...28750fb328.jpg

03-27-2010, 09:46 AM	#10
theoddz Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Cranky Old Poop Preferred Pronoun?: Mr. Beast Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Central Texas Posts: 3,534 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 11,091 Thanked 9,926 Times in 2,506 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	I call folks out on this sort of shit. Years ago, I worked at the San Diego Naval Medical Center. I worked for the Department of the Navy and worked in a military environment, so I respected that environment's culture and never outed myself. It wasn't like you couldn't look at me and tell that I had a different gender presentation and so on, but I just never confirmed or denied. In my old department, we had a mix of civilian employees of varying ages, cultures and ethnicity, and with me there, add in sexual orientation and gender presentation at that time. We also had a generous number of active duty Sailors who worked alongside us. They were young men and women in their mid to late 20's, for the most part....a few a bit older. Those people used to sit around the report table and tell tasteless jokes about women, minorities and gays. I had to sit there and bite my tongue. I thought about speaking up, many times, but held my tongue because it was a military environment and I know that culture very well. I'm a former Woman Marine and I served in a time and place where being a Woman and a Marine, not to mention gay, was hell on Earth. I did finally out myself to my boss, who was one of the very best bosses I've ever had. He was a very portly (I felt very comfy with this!!) guy with bad knees, a wicked sense of humor, a "feel" for people and a heart of pure gold. He knew how to manage people and he was extremely open minded. The day I outed myself to my boss, I never felt better in my life. The words just kind of came out in casual conversation and they just kept coming. I told him about my life, how I met my beautiful Jan and how we were living together despite the immigration laws against us. Jan was Canadian and had moved down to the States to be with me. We'd been together for about 3 years by the time I had my little talk with Ron, my boss. He understood where I was coming from, and then I began to talk about how the jokes and negative attitudes of my coworkers affected me, being that my sexual orientation was not "straight". I told him that I often sat and wondered if I was the only one at that table who got a sicky, sinking feeling in the pit of my gut when the hate and intolerance was directed at me and "my kind". More than that, I wondered how many of my coworkers felt sad and ill at ease because they might have a GLBTQ friend, brother, sister, maybe even a parent or other family member?? Even more interesting was the thought that some of these folks talking like this might even have tendencies or orientations that they are afraid of addressing in themselves?? Self loathing can take on many forms, you know. I happen to think that someone who might be struggling with their own identity/orientation might find this sort of talk and pack mentality to be very damaging. I'll own having transphobic feelings back in the day, because it hit a bit too close to home for my own comfort at the time, but that's just me. I see the errors in my former ways now and I have owned them and had resolution over the years, but I also see the humanity in the inhumanity, too. Does that make sense?? Nowdays, I call folks out on their hatred/intolerance/biggotry. I let them know that it's not okay. I always mention that someone there, maybe, but not necessarily just me, may have friends and/or family whom they dearly love who may not fit in to what society might expect. Bottom line is...it's cruel, it hurts and in many workplaces, it's illegal and actionable as such. I know in mine it is. I've transitioned fully now, and I've been told by practically everyone who meets me that they would have never known I was trans unless I outed myself. Well, that may or may not be true, I don't know. I know how many Femmes feel now about invisibility, because I have it now for the first time in my life. I think when you have that invisibility going on, it drives home the point to some of these oafs that they can't always tell by sight who they're talking to...or even about. That in itself, is a bit of a "check" on them. Not surprisingly, I hear about 95% more distasteful, sexist, homophobic, transphobic jokes and remarks. I'm in "the Boys' Club" and, believe me, it's a free-for-all in there. That's why I also know that it's even more important to call people out when they make insensitive, hateful remarks. It's important to let folks know that this sort of thing is not okay. *Apparently, they've been given free pass up to now from others who have said nothing, but remained silent and "let it go".* That's like condoning it. Same thing. If more folks stepped up and said something, maybe people like your boss would keep their mouths shut. Anyway, this is my take, but only you know what your work environment is like and how to approach things. I will say that I hope you pull your boss aside and let her know that you, and maybe even more folks who heard her statements, don't appreciate such insensitivity. Good luck to you. *~Theo~* __________________ *"All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost."* -- J. R. R. Tolkien

03-26-2010, 10:12 PM	#1
Soon Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Relationship Status: attached Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: . Posts: 6,896 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 29,046 Thanked 13,094 Times in 3,386 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	It happens so quickly that I am digesting what is said and she is already on a different point. I am in a state of WTF!?!?! And she is still blah blah blah--ing. She is rarely there, so the times that we do have an informal discussion, she rambles, inserts shit, talks fast, move on; it seems that the time to SAY something has already passed, and it would be really awkward to say--at the end--oh, well, um, you know when you said THIS?!?!--well, that is wrong, inappropriate...etc. But, maybe I should just insert my thoughts after she is done her end of the conversation?--trust me, there are NO pauses for me to say, "Wait a minute..." And, this is the person who WILL (or won't) be writing me a reference letter when I move on; doesn't that play into people's minds when calling their bosses on their behaviour and/or language?

03-26-2010, 10:18 PM	#3
Soon Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Relationship Status: attached Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: . Posts: 6,896 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 29,046 Thanked 13,094 Times in 3,386 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	Thanks for the helpful advice.

03-27-2010, 01:08 AM	#5
Odarlin Member How Do You Identify?: Undine Preferred Pronoun?: Sexy Relationship Status: Finding my immortal soul one giggle at a time. Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: under a bright and cheery rock Posts: 290 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 506 Thanked 178 Times in 69 Posts Rep Power: 22	well, One idea. You could introduce a proposal for a sensitivity in the workplace seminar as a way to maintain an up to date and professional image in a rapidly changing global market place. Make the idea make her look good. I don't think this is about being right, it's about making an effective change and if she gets on board it could be pretty effective. Hell, it's her job to call people on this. Even if she doesn't jump for the proposal she might consider how her comments are perceived in a fresh light. If she doesn't reflect on it then nothing you said would have made much of a difference anyway. If that's the case there is always the tack.

03-27-2010, 08:15 AM	#8
UofMfan Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Relationship Status: A very happy Mr. Grumpy Cat Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Neither here or there Posts: 7,987 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 27,733 Thanked 18,935 Times in 4,705 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	I agree with Rockybcn, it is a matter of picking your battles. What I would do is keep a written log of every time she does this. Then when she has written your letter of recommendation and you are ready to move on, you can write a letter to the Board in which you detail all her inappropriate remarks and recommend they take action. Patience is a virtue, and you need that letter to move on. Stay calm, have a plan!

03-27-2010, 09:17 AM	#9
weatherboi Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Owned boy Preferred Pronoun?: Hey boy!!! Relationship Status: counting freckles slowly under Her direction!!! Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: i have 2 sets of geographic coordinates!!! Posts: 6,097 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 26,797 Thanked 12,549 Times in 2,993 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	Ok....comments of that nature are totally unacceptable in the work place...we all know this!!! The advice to keep a daily log is great advice and if you have an HR department I suggest you go speak with them. I do not think it would be to your advantage to speak with her one on one only because if she has prejudice that is hard core she may figure a way to use that one on one against you or anything else for that matter. When speaking about your future exit reference letter I would also voice these concerns and any others you have to HR. I think you realize comments of this nature will probably not stop coming from your boss so you may want to really strategize how you are going to handle this situation in the future. This may be your chance to stand up for yourself(not saying you dont already) and make a difference. Good luck!!!!

03-27-2010, 11:50 AM	#11
Miss Scarlett Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Relationship Status: . Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: . Posts: 5,530 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,478 Thanked 12,947 Times in 3,419 Posts Rep Power: 21474857	In my last 2 jobs I had to put up with that kind of nonsense. How much do you need the paycheck? I asked myself this and it kept me from telling those employers where to stick it and then walking off the job. I swallowed my pride, tweaked my resume and started interviewing. When I found new jobs I left them with as short a notice as possible.