Ask a trans person!

[Breathless]

Thanks for sharing this!

Originally Posted by Linus

Anyone here seen Still Black: a Portrait of Black Transmen : http://www.stillblackfilm.org/

I saw it referenced on Huff Post here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/0...n_2584645.html

[Daring_Dreamer]

I'm not sure where to post this. I'm sorry if this offends anyone. That is not my intention, I'm just looking for some advice. It's about my fiance. I'm using gender neutral pronouns, because that is what they are comfortable with right now. They are just starting to come out to me as trans, and I am the first person they have ever talked to about it. We are both in our 20's. The few times they have talked to me about it, it's only been at night when we are in bed and all the lights are out. I've been careful not to make a big deal out of it, and to let them know that I love them for who they are, not the body that they are born into, and that they are a good person, that what they are going through is not wrong, that there is nothing to be ashamed of. We are saving up for top surgery for them. Their family is very religious and conservative. My fiance came out as gay several years ago and their family has always been clear that they do not aprove. There is a trans support group where we live, but they are not comfortable talking to anyone else yet. While I love and support them completely, they need advice and support from someone who understands what they are going through, they need more than me. But since they are not ready to talk to anyone else yet, I'm wondering if there are any books that they can read that would help? Or any other advice?

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

Originally Posted by Daring_Dreamer

I'm not sure where to post this. I'm sorry if this offends anyone. That is not my intention, I'm just looking for some advice. It's about my fiance. I'm using gender neutral pronouns, because that is what they are comfortable with right now. They are just starting to come out to me as trans, and I am the first person they have ever talked to about it. We are both in our 20's. The few times they have talked to me about it, it's only been at night when we are in bed and all the lights are out. I've been careful not to make a big deal out of it, and to let them know that I love them for who they are, not the body that they are born into, and that they are a good person, that what they are going through is not wrong, that there is nothing to be ashamed of. We are saving up for top surgery for them. Their family is very religious and conservative. My fiance came out as gay several years ago and their family has always been clear that they do not aprove. There is a trans support group where we live, but they are not comfortable talking to anyone else yet. While I love and support them completely, they need advice and support from someone who understands what they are going through, they need more than me. But since they are not ready to talk to anyone else yet, I'm wondering if there are any books that they can read that would help? Or any other advice?

Hi Daring_Dreamer. First I want to commend you and say I would have killed for a girlfriend like you when I was in my 20s so don't sell your support of your fiance short. As for books I would recommend I have only found one I like and it is on the academic side, unfortunately most books about transgender are about the MTF side of our world. You could look on Amazon it tends to have a good selection and a wide variety.

However, I do agree that support from your own kind so to speak is important. If your fiance is still uncomfortable with telling people face to face may I suggest online support. I belong to a couple of online transgender and/or FTM groups where I can talk to the guys or get other resources. Then of course there is here. All the guys I have met are amazing and I think any support is better than none.

If you do find aa book I would like to know btw and if you are interested in the one that I liked let me know and I will be glad to share the title.

Alix

[Linus]

Originally Posted by Daring_Dreamer

I'm not sure where to post this. I'm sorry if this offends anyone. That is not my intention, I'm just looking for some advice. It's about my fiance. I'm using gender neutral pronouns, because that is what they are comfortable with right now. They are just starting to come out to me as trans, and I am the first person they have ever talked to about it. We are both in our 20's. The few times they have talked to me about it, it's only been at night when we are in bed and all the lights are out. I've been careful not to make a big deal out of it, and to let them know that I love them for who they are, not the body that they are born into, and that they are a good person, that what they are going through is not wrong, that there is nothing to be ashamed of. We are saving up for top surgery for them. Their family is very religious and conservative. My fiance came out as gay several years ago and their family has always been clear that they do not aprove. There is a trans support group where we live, but they are not comfortable talking to anyone else yet. While I love and support them completely, they need advice and support from someone who understands what they are going through, they need more than me. But since they are not ready to talk to anyone else yet, I'm wondering if there are any books that they can read that would help? Or any other advice?

I'm one of the fortunate ones to have a mostly supportive family. That said, I've heard that this book is a good starting point for many: [ame="http://www.amazon.com/Trans-Forming-Families-Mary-Boenke/dp/097972600X/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1368228257&sr=8-4"]Trans Forming Families: Mary Boenke, Delores Dudley, Lori Bowden: 9780979726002: Amazon.com: Books[/ame]

There are also a few online trans forums I can recommend if your partner would feel more comfortable with that (just private message me and I'll give you a link).

When I first began my transition, I joined a trans-masculine group (I was in NYC at the time) and it was one of the best things I could have done. I'd also suggest that you may want to find a support group for yourself as well. There are a few SOFFA (Significant Others, Friends, Families and Allie) groups out there as well. Although your partner is going through the transition, you will be impacted by it and the process and your feelings my surprise you. At the very least, knowing there are others experiencing similar as you can make a difference.

[WingsOnFire]

Originally Posted by Daring_Dreamer

I'm not sure where to post this. I'm sorry if this offends anyone. That is not my intention, I'm just looking for some advice. It's about my fiance. I'm using gender neutral pronouns, because that is what they are comfortable with right now. They are just starting to come out to me as trans, and I am the first person they have ever talked to about it. We are both in our 20's. The few times they have talked to me about it, it's only been at night when we are in bed and all the lights are out. I've been careful not to make a big deal out of it, and to let them know that I love them for who they are, not the body that they are born into, and that they are a good person, that what they are going through is not wrong, that there is nothing to be ashamed of. We are saving up for top surgery for them. Their family is very religious and conservative. My fiance came out as gay several years ago and their family has always been clear that they do not aprove. There is a trans support group where we live, but they are not comfortable talking to anyone else yet. While I love and support them completely, they need advice and support from someone who understands what they are going through, they need more than me. But since they are not ready to talk to anyone else yet, I'm wondering if there are any books that they can read that would help? Or any other advice?

I too want to commend you for your support of your fiance. I began my first relationship with a trans man four years ago. I had never even entertained the idea before that relationship. I have learned so much about myself and what a relationship with a trans person is like. It has been very rewarding but in the beginning I did struggle with what others would think or how to discuss it or if I even should.

So if you would like to ever talk please feel free to PM me. I think you have gotten great advice so far. Keep supporting your fiance and make sure to take care of yourself along the way.

Becca

[psykftm]

Hey there,

sorry if this question was already asked, I'm just tired of reading forums, and want to talk about this shit because all I ever think about is gender stuff, and whether I am a butch, or whether I might actually be a dude in 3 years/if I always was a dude. I think its funny that most people at least know what fucking gender they are, despite all their other uncertainties and problems. Not to say that gender issues cause the ultimate suffering, I'm just saying DAMN.

Question 1. Any ftm ever experience absolutely having to buy male only products? This used to drive my gf (now my ex) crazy. Has to be male shampoo, and when I found out I'm itching constantly because of dry skin, I was devastated that I had to go from super manly looking Axe to boring grey gillete, although its still "looks" manly. Its like I'm paranoid of being perceived as feminine?

If I had money and wasn't as aware of my overcompensation, you know that huge F350 going down the road with spikes in the rims and balls hanging and alla that? ...yeah that would be me lol.

Question 2. I've just now started throwing the idea around in my head about transitioning. But, I am a psychologist before any gender lol, and I say this because I heard this rumor (I think off of becoming chaz) that you become more "manlike" with the not listening to your partner's emotional problems and writing them off as illogical and alla that bullshit. (I mean, when you start taking T.) Personally, I think it IS bullshit, because females can be just as non-validating or whatever you want to call that dynamic, as a male. But, if there is any chance at all of me becoming less in tune to what people are feeling, fuck transitioning with a ten foot pole, no freakin way. Psychology is my passion.

Question 3. I have never been around, hung out with, or maybe even held a conversation with a femme. I don't know any femmes. I am attracted to butches and ftms, and I really don't even give a crap if I turn out to be a gay male after transitioning. Whatever. But, what in the world am I going to do if I get a really feminine client? I feel like I have this gaping hole in experiences, and I fear that I might actually have an aversion to feminine females altogether. Or something. What is up with that? Any ftms have this experience?

I don't consciously, intentionally sit here and think "I don't want anything to do with femmes" just to be clear, I just, this second, realized I don't know anyone who is.

I'll be honest and throw out there that my grandma who adopted and raised me was a straight, Conservative, antigay and (I swear to god anti-masculinty it seems) feminine individual. I was forced into dresses, and she tried to get me to mold into basic female stereotyped chores like cleaning(?), while I was out in the back yard trying to learn how to start a lawn mower.

Oye this is a lot of stuff that has been in my head for awhile, would like to know myself one day for sure.

Anyone relate or have thoughts?

[Linus]

Originally Posted by psykbutch

Hey there,

sorry if this question was already asked, I'm just tired of reading forums, and want to talk about this shit because all I ever think about is gender stuff, and whether I am a butch, or whether I might actually be a dude in 3 years/if I always was a dude. I think its funny that most people at least know what fucking gender they are, despite all their other uncertainties and problems. Not to say that gender issues cause the ultimate suffering, I'm just saying DAMN.

Question 1. Any ftm ever experience absolutely having to buy male only products? This used to drive my gf (now my ex) crazy. Has to be male shampoo, and when I found out I'm itching constantly because of dry skin, I was devastated that I had to go from super manly looking Axe to boring grey gillete, although its still "looks" manly. Its like I'm paranoid of being perceived as feminine?

If I had money and wasn't as aware of my overcompensation, you know that huge F350 going down the road with spikes in the rims and balls hanging and alla that? ...yeah that would be me lol.

Question 2. I've just now started throwing the idea around in my head about transitioning. But, I am a psychologist before any gender lol, and I say this because I heard this rumor (I think off of becoming chaz) that you become more "manlike" with the not listening to your partner's emotional problems and writing them off as illogical and alla that bullshit. (I mean, when you start taking T.) Personally, I think it IS bullshit, because females can be just as non-validating or whatever you want to call that dynamic, as a male. But, if there is any chance at all of me becoming less in tune to what people are feeling, fuck transitioning with a ten foot pole, no freakin way. Psychology is my passion.

Question 3. I have never been around, hung out with, or maybe even held a conversation with a femme. I don't know any femmes. I am attracted to butches and ftms, and I really don't even give a crap if I turn out to be a gay male after transitioning. Whatever. But, what in the world am I going to do if I get a really feminine client? I feel like I have this gaping hole in experiences, and I fear that I might actually have an aversion to feminine females altogether. Or something. What is up with that? Any ftms have this experience?

I don't consciously, intentionally sit here and think "I don't want anything to do with femmes" just to be clear, I just, this second, realized I don't know anyone who is.

I'll be honest and throw out there that my grandma who adopted and raised me was a straight, Conservative, antigay and (I swear to god anti-masculinty it seems) feminine individual. I was forced into dresses, and she tried to get me to mold into basic female stereotyped chores like cleaning(?), while I was out in the back yard trying to learn how to start a lawn mower.

Oye this is a lot of stuff that has been in my head for awhile, would like to know myself one day for sure.

Anyone relate or have thoughts?

1. Yes, i do look for male promoted products. Keep in mind that they aren't "male only". (with the exception of testosterone and the likes of Viagra). They are advertised to male-oriented individuals. As for Axe, they do have quite a few versions for dry skin (http://amzn.to/15j0Yr7) it just may be your local store doesn't carry them or sells out.

2. Yes and no. For the most part you are right that not much changes as a lot of it was before. I did notice one thing in particular: my ability to cry. You know those commercials about animals in need? Those would normally have me bawling. These days not even a twinge. It's really weird and freaked me out the first time. Entirely anecdotal, I've noticed a lack of emotions or a dulling of emotions. Doesn't mean that I don't experience them. I think how we express them does change.

3. You will always have gaping holes in experience because you cannot experience everything that happens in the world. Without knowing your background I can bet you've never experienced my life even if we're both transmen. The more important question, IMO, is the ability to listen and be compassionate, not necessarily shared experience.

Anyways, hope that helps.

[DapperButch]

1. I buy all male products and I am not male (I am TG) There are female ID'd people who buy men's products. There are feminine people who buy men's products. I wouldn't look at this as defined who you are. I have been thinking about gender for 15+ years. Unfortunately, for some of us it is not clear and not binary. Although I love who I am (TG not TS), life would certainly be a lot easier if I just went on hormones. Taking T would fit for me in some ways, in some ways it would not. Top surgery is a different discussion, however.

2. Anecdotal evidence abounds I what Linus said. Emotions are described as being more muted (I am a gender therapist so I see guys pre-T and after), but it is not like compassion and other emotions disappear.

3. I don't really get this not being able to relate to feminine people, and wondering how you would do with a feminine client. You call yourself a psychologist. A psychologist has their doctorate in Psychology. Do you have your Ph.D. or Psy.D. ? I am just confused because I don't know anyone who has even completed even an Associates degree without having worked with clients prior to graduation.

Good luck on your journey. Sometimes it takes a while. Also, don't forget to step away from it and just live life. I promise it will circle back around!

[Nadeest]

First off, I am an mtf, and femme. In a lot of ways, we are on parallel paths, but with both similarities and differences. I cannot say as to whether you are butch or ftm, as that is something that you will have to discover for yourself.

Question 1: I tend to buy female products only, though, at times, I have been forced to purchase male clothing ( workboots and socks).

In one of my culinary classes, I was required to wear black pants, and a white, button down shirt with a tie. This was because I was working as a server, during that class period. I was unable to find any female clothing that would work for me, while fitting the requirements, so I obtained and wore male clothing for that first class. That did not work well for me, at all. I was barely able to handle one table, let alone the three or four tables that was expected of me. It was just very, very difficult for me to function, at all, that day.

The next class period that I had to work as a server, I just plain skipped. I was not about to go anywhere, dressed like that. Fortunately, I was able to find some clothing that would work for me, and still fufill the requirements for the class after that.

My point is, is that I can understand, a tiny bit, of how you feel. In this area, we are similar.

As for Question 2, I suggest that you talk with an experienced gender therapist. They can probably give you some good advice, in this matter.

On Question 3, give yourself time. You will probably start meeting them, if you open yourself to the possibilities. As for what do you do, if you have a femme for a client; what do you do if you have someone with a problem that you have no experience with?