advice plz - my father's alcoholism

apretty · 03-31-2010, 09:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by adorable

One thing that I heard though, and this is truth so read it over and over again, "You don't have the right to take a person's bottom away from them."

i love this!

Soft*Silver · 03-31-2010, 10:10 AM

Al Anon is everything they say it is. Its a life's tool to keep yourself from staying insane from the alcoholic's misery. It will teach you how to love your alcoholic differently. And that difference is distinct ...because it sacrifices nothing of you. You get to stay intact. But you still get to love the alcoholic.

You dad knows what to do if he needs help. He choses not to. Now this is between him and his Higher Power. Step out of its way. Let God do what you cannot...you are not who can save him...only his God can, whatever God is to him as he understands it.

AA got me sober. But I learned all about myself and people thru Al Anon. I feel it was the icing on the cake for me...

I am so sorry your father is so bad off. And that you are so "trapped". Literally, alcoholics take family members "hostage", emotionally and sometimes physically if you are also their physical caretaker. Get yourself to an Al Anon meeting...

and eventually get yourself into an ACoA meeting..Adult CHildren of Alcholics. I wept thru my first few meetings. It made the insanity real for me. Once validated, I could work on myself. I had so many behaviors and thoughts that were tied to being an ACoA....

but first..Al Anon...good luck...

sylvie · 03-31-2010, 12:53 PM

wow, thank you... all of you..
this thread has really helped me gain an understanding.. moreso of myself and what i need to do, for me.. and that i really have no control over the rest. i knew i couldn't (and shouldn't try) to save him. but i've never really thought of it all in the sense he needs to hit bottom and doing what we do may be preventing that.

i really do appreciate each of you taking time to share your thoughts, experiences and support in this.. for your encouragement..

i made the call today and got the number i needed, called it and left a message for someone to contact me.. hopefully, i will have my first meeting lined up very soon.

i'm nervous, but i know this is needed.. i was hoping my stepmother would do it as well, but she has no interest.
i really did it, i got my foot in the door and it's just a matter of time now..time to breathe..

*warm hugz*

Soft*Silver · 03-31-2010, 01:05 PM

the first time I went to an Al Anon meeting I walked in and leaned up against the doorway and looked in...

up until that point, mind you, I had been sitting out in the car, growling how unfair it was that *I* had to go to a meeting for HER problem. And I didnt want a bunch of people who didnt even understand alcoholism (remember, I am an alcoholic too) try to tell me how to make her behave herself. I also didnt want them to look down on me because I was an alcoholic, too. So I felt a chip on my shoulder forming....

so when I walked in and leaned up against the doorway, this is what I saw:

happy people.

Not miserable, whining, two faced, controlling people...

I saw Happy People...laughing, hugging each other, sharing good news, holding onto someone who was obviously distressed, busy members getting the place ready for the meeting and people making coffee and putting out cookies...

happy people. Not tormented, miserable, fearful, angry people. Happy People...

even the one who was clearly distressed was in the loving arms of people who were smiling and being encouraging...

I forgot what Happy People looked like!!

So, my advice stands. Go. Be amongst the Happy People. Someday you could be one too...

sylvie · 03-31-2010, 06:21 PM

wow, that's actually very encouraging.. helps me to want to do this so much more.

i really love the idea, of being with happy people. as i mentioned in a previous post, i dont have a lot of positive people in my family, they're very pushy, narrow minded and angry people.. i have disassociated myself from most of them, because i feel that life is just too short to deal with so much negativity - i live my life being 'me' , with my 2 loving, fantastic children who make my days full of smiles.. negativity pushes me back steps, i try to stay focused on 'forward'.. anyway, i won't go into all of that because that's a whole other situation LOL, and honestly one i don't stress over anymore.

but happiness, a sense of understanding, and most definitely i need to learn tough love.. i'm such a pushover kind of person, i don't really stand up for myself or stand up to others.. and when it comes to helping others, i really throw myself into that because it makes me feel good, but what i've come to realize in all of this is that it's not always a good thing.. or let me rephrase, the help that he needs which is tough love.

so i think this is the first day of what could be a form of healing, of some sort. recognizing the problem, taking steps i need to take no matter how hard those steps may be.. doing what's right for my papa.. for the first time, i feel as though i'm looking forward to going.. (yes, still very nervous though, lol)

i've still not heard back from anyone, if i dont in the next couple of days, i'll call again!

Soft*Silver · 03-31-2010, 07:10 PM

dont wait a couple days. Call again tomorrow. If you cant go to al anon, find an AA lead meeting, go to it. Walk up to anyone and everyone and ask if there are any people who go to Al Anon in the meeting. Seriously....they will introduce you to them

Some time after that first Al Anon meeting, I had a melt down with my ex who was using (way back 1991) I was too late to go to an AA meeting that night..but I knew what restaurant people went to after the meeting (the meeting after the meeting). I drove my unhappy ass over there...walked in..walked up to someone I had met at the Al Anon meeting and in a terrified, angry, damn near hysterical voice, I said I needed to talk to someone from Al Anon...she pushed out a chair and we sat and talked while we ate her french fried.

By the time I was done, she was my sponsor, I knew of which Al Anon meetings we were going to hit that week, and I had some tools to help myself at home with....

Kimbo · 03-31-2010, 08:12 PM

Sylvie, here's a link to help find meetings.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

My step dad was an alcoholic. He passed away when he was 56 from liver failure. He could never stop. I've gone to quite a few meetings, AA & AL-Anon. They really do help.

03-31-2010, 10:10 AM	#2
SoftSilver Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: rose cottage Posts: 5,592 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8,948 Thanked 15,894 Times in 4,062 Posts Rep Power*: 21474857	Al Anon is everything they say it is. Its a life's tool to keep yourself from staying insane from the alcoholic's misery. It will teach you how to love your alcoholic differently. And that difference is distinct ...because it sacrifices nothing of you. You get to stay intact. But you still get to love the alcoholic. You dad knows what to do if he needs help. He choses not to. Now this is between him and his Higher Power. Step out of its way. Let God do what you cannot...you are not who can save him...only his God can, whatever God is to him as he understands it. AA got me sober. But I learned all about myself and people thru Al Anon. I feel it was the icing on the cake for me... I am so sorry your father is so bad off. And that you are so "trapped". Literally, alcoholics take family members "hostage", emotionally and sometimes physically if you are also their physical caretaker. Get yourself to an Al Anon meeting... and eventually get yourself into an ACoA meeting..Adult CHildren of Alcholics. I wept thru my first few meetings. It made the insanity real for me. Once validated, I could work on myself. I had so many behaviors and thoughts that were tied to being an ACoA.... but first..Al Anon...good luck... __________________ Pole bachit, a lis chuye. The field sees, the forest hears

03-31-2010, 12:53 PM	#3
sylvie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Mr Mtn's babygirl Preferred Pronoun?: girly, she Relationship Status: fiercely protected ♥ Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Moving home in OR with Him VERY soooon !! Posts: 2,548 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,834 Thanked 7,501 Times in 1,850 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	wow, thank you... all of you.. this thread has really helped me gain an understanding.. moreso of myself and what i need to do, for me.. and that i really have no control over the rest. i knew i couldn't (and shouldn't try) to save him. but i've never really thought of it all in the sense he needs to hit bottom and doing what we do may be preventing that. i really do appreciate each of you taking time to share your thoughts, experiences and support in this.. for your encouragement.. i made the call today and got the number i needed, called it and left a message for someone to contact me.. hopefully, i will have my first meeting lined up very soon. i'm nervous, but i know this is needed.. i was hoping my stepmother would do it as well, but she has no interest. i really did it, i got my foot in the door and it's just a matter of time now..time to breathe.. warm hugz __________________ my Mantra: i am letting go of angers, continuing to find forgiveness, welcoming inner peace & deserving of it all. my facebook weight loss page: http://www.facebook.com/asyllyjourney

03-31-2010, 01:05 PM	#4
SoftSilver Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: rose cottage Posts: 5,592 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8,948 Thanked 15,894 Times in 4,062 Posts Rep Power*: 21474857	the first time I went to an Al Anon meeting I walked in and leaned up against the doorway and looked in... up until that point, mind you, I had been sitting out in the car, growling how unfair it was that I had to go to a meeting for HER problem. And I didnt want a bunch of people who didnt even understand alcoholism (remember, I am an alcoholic too) try to tell me how to make her behave herself. I also didnt want them to look down on me because I was an alcoholic, too. So I felt a chip on my shoulder forming.... so when I walked in and leaned up against the doorway, this is what I saw: happy people. Not miserable, whining, two faced, controlling people... I saw Happy People...laughing, hugging each other, sharing good news, holding onto someone who was obviously distressed, busy members getting the place ready for the meeting and people making coffee and putting out cookies... happy people. Not tormented, miserable, fearful, angry people. Happy People... even the one who was clearly distressed was in the loving arms of people who were smiling and being encouraging... I forgot what Happy People looked like!! So, my advice stands. Go. Be amongst the Happy People. Someday you could be one too... __________________ Pole bachit, a lis chuye. The field sees, the forest hears

03-31-2010, 06:21 PM	#5
sylvie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Mr Mtn's babygirl Preferred Pronoun?: girly, she Relationship Status: fiercely protected ♥ Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Moving home in OR with Him VERY soooon !! Posts: 2,548 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,834 Thanked 7,501 Times in 1,850 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	wow, that's actually very encouraging.. helps me to want to do this so much more. i really love the idea, of being with happy people. as i mentioned in a previous post, i dont have a lot of positive people in my family, they're very pushy, narrow minded and angry people.. i have disassociated myself from most of them, because i feel that life is just too short to deal with so much negativity - i live my life being 'me' , with my 2 loving, fantastic children who make my days full of smiles.. negativity pushes me back steps, i try to stay focused on 'forward'.. anyway, i won't go into all of that because that's a whole other situation LOL, and honestly one i don't stress over anymore. but happiness, a sense of understanding, and most definitely i need to learn tough love.. i'm such a pushover kind of person, i don't really stand up for myself or stand up to others.. and when it comes to helping others, i really throw myself into that because it makes me feel good, but what i've come to realize in all of this is that it's not always a good thing.. or let me rephrase, the help that he needs which is tough love. so i think this is the first day of what could be a form of healing, of some sort. recognizing the problem, taking steps i need to take no matter how hard those steps may be.. doing what's right for my papa.. for the first time, i feel as though i'm looking forward to going.. (yes, still very nervous though, lol) i've still not heard back from anyone, if i dont in the next couple of days, i'll call again! __________________ my Mantra: i am letting go of angers, continuing to find forgiveness, welcoming inner peace & deserving of it all. my facebook weight loss page: http://www.facebook.com/asyllyjourney

03-31-2010, 07:10 PM	#6
SoftSilver Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: rose cottage Posts: 5,592 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8,948 Thanked 15,894 Times in 4,062 Posts Rep Power*: 21474857	dont wait a couple days. Call again tomorrow. If you cant go to al anon, find an AA lead meeting, go to it. Walk up to anyone and everyone and ask if there are any people who go to Al Anon in the meeting. Seriously....they will introduce you to them Some time after that first Al Anon meeting, I had a melt down with my ex who was using (way back 1991) I was too late to go to an AA meeting that night..but I knew what restaurant people went to after the meeting (the meeting after the meeting). I drove my unhappy ass over there...walked in..walked up to someone I had met at the Al Anon meeting and in a terrified, angry, damn near hysterical voice, I said I needed to talk to someone from Al Anon...she pushed out a chair and we sat and talked while we ate her french fried. By the time I was done, she was my sponsor, I knew of which Al Anon meetings we were going to hit that week, and I had some tools to help myself at home with.... __________________ Pole bachit, a lis chuye. The field sees, the forest hears

03-31-2010, 08:12 PM	#7
Kimbo Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Relationship Status: Eligible Butchelor Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Seattle Posts: 591 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 432 Thanked 551 Times in 257 Posts Rep Power: 119	Sylvie, here's a link to help find meetings. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html My step dad was an alcoholic. He passed away when he was 56 from liver failure. He could never stop. I've gone to quite a few meetings, AA & AL-Anon. They really do help.