Butch visibility

[Dude]

piece of fucking cake , until I gotta pee

I came out once in my life at 18 , The end.

I feel so lucky to be obvious and can not even imagine what
femme's have to go through to be out as queer. At every new
job? With every new friendship? It sounds exhausting, I hate shit like that.
I had to be brave only that one fucking time and I'm old now.

So , thank you to the femme's who go out there in the world and say queer
looks like this too , ovah and ovah again

[Bard]

when we are out Desd always goes with me to public bathrooms at a casino I have had little old ladies run in fear.. a couple of times with my daughter people have said I was in the wrong bathroom and my Goose got pissed and stamped her little foot as loudly said " this is my Mama" my oh so protective girls

[SoSousMe]

I am very hard to miss in a social situation, until people see My chest, I have not had top surgery yet, so sometimes that's the only clue given off that I am not bio male. And it's saved My butt more than once in public restrooms. It's extremely difficult to travel this earth and not be stared at, talked about, looked at with disdain.

I have been threatened, chased, and damn near accosted in a bathroom by a group of women at a wedding in Atlanta. I was chased out of a small town by a small group of teenage boys, the only reason I did not stand My ground, as was My usual reaction, was because I had My 6 year old son with Me. The clerk at the counter and I made eye contact as she picked up the phone to call the local police, she seemed more scared than I. My son was terrified. I had done nothing more than stand in line with My boy waiting to pay for a pizza.

I have been in more bar brawls than I care to admit, due to rowdy college boys believing I was unaware that I was "some kinda fuckin dyke". I never backed down, until that day with My son. Here in My hometown, I was the first out "lesbian", and over the years, this town has become quite the little queer friendly place to live. But back then it was not nearly as accepting. It is when I go out of town where I run into trouble now.

My wifey does not understand why I am always watching the crowd, why, if I see a group of "questionable" men approaching us, I may take My hand from hers. She says it's My being ashamed, I cannot make her understand, it's self preservation at times. I am 47 years old now, and I am not nearly as quick to jump into a fight with a 20 frat boy as I used to be.

You can be damn sure, no matter where we are, I am constantly scanning the crowd, waiting for a fist to fly. This is Texas, in most towns, it's still frowned upon, and trust Me, I've been kicked enough times, punched enough times, and chased enough times to know when to run. And I won't put My girl through that, if she's still innocent to the thought of anti-gay, homophobic hate filled attacks, I will do what I can to keep it that way.

[Ascot]

Originally Posted by SoSousMe

I am very hard to miss in a social situation, until people see My chest, I have not had top surgery yet, so sometimes that's the only clue given off that I am not bio male. And it's saved My butt more than once in public restrooms. It's extremely difficult to travel this earth and not be stared at, talked about, looked at with disdain.

I have been threatened, chased, and damn near accosted in a bathroom by a group of women at a wedding in Atlanta. I was chased out of a small town by a small group of teenage boys, the only reason I did not stand My ground, as was My usual reaction, was because I had My 6 year old son with Me. The clerk at the counter and I made eye contact as she picked up the phone to call the local police, she seemed more scared than I. My son was terrified. I had done nothing more than stand in line with My boy waiting to pay for a pizza.

I have been in more bar brawls than I care to admit, due to rowdy college boys believing I was unaware that I was "some kinda fuckin dyke". I never backed down, until that day with My son. Here in My hometown, I was the first out "lesbian", and over the years, this town has become quite the little queer friendly place to live. But back then it was not nearly as accepting. It is when I go out of town where I run into trouble now.

My wifey does not understand why I am always watching the crowd, why, if I see a group of "questionable" men approaching us, I may take My hand from hers. She says it's My being ashamed, I cannot make her understand, it's self preservation at times. I am 47 years old now, and I am not nearly as quick to jump into a fight with a 20 frat boy as I used to be.

You can be damn sure, no matter where we are, I am constantly scanning the crowd, waiting for a fist to fly. This is Texas, in most towns, it's still frowned upon, and trust Me, I've been kicked enough times, punched enough times, and chased enough times to know when to run. And I won't put My girl through that, if she's still innocent to the thought of anti-gay, homophobic hate filled attacks, I will do what I can to keep it that way.

This is the kind of story that tears at my soul. It is just astounding to me to what lengths people are driven by fear and ignorance. When I read something like this I realize how fortunate I've been. I've not once been faced with actual violence for being a butch dyke. Maybe I've always lived in places that are more progressive or open? Who knows. I also don't keep a constant vigilance and perhaps I've had close calls without ever being aware of it. I am not a big fan of PDAs but that's mostly because I find them tacky, and it has little to do with what others would think about it. Having said that, I will hold my girl's hand and not think twice about it, regardless of where we are or who's around. If the spirit moves me, I'll probably kiss her, too. I suppose part of my feelings about public displays have to do with me not wanting to share her with others in that manner. It boggles my mind, what some people find threatening.

[femm_cb]

Originally Posted by SoSousMe

I am very hard to miss in a social situation, until people see My chest, I have not had top surgery yet, so sometimes that's the only clue given off that I am not bio male. And it's saved My butt more than once in public restrooms. It's extremely difficult to travel this earth and not be stared at, talked about, looked at with disdain.

I have been threatened, chased, and damn near accosted in a bathroom by a group of women at a wedding in Atlanta. I was chased out of a small town by a small group of teenage boys, the only reason I did not stand My ground, as was My usual reaction, was because I had My 6 year old son with Me. The clerk at the counter and I made eye contact as she picked up the phone to call the local police, she seemed more scared than I. My son was terrified. I had done nothing more than stand in line with My boy waiting to pay for a pizza.

I have been in more bar brawls than I care to admit, due to rowdy college boys believing I was unaware that I was "some kinda fuckin dyke". I never backed down, until that day with My son. Here in My hometown, I was the first out "lesbian", and over the years, this town has become quite the little queer friendly place to live. But back then it was not nearly as accepting. It is when I go out of town where I run into trouble now.

My wifey does not understand why I am always watching the crowd, why, if I see a group of "questionable" men approaching us, I may take My hand from hers. She says it's My being ashamed, I cannot make her understand, it's self preservation at times. I am 47 years old now, and I am not nearly as quick to jump into a fight with a 20 frat boy as I used to be.

You can be damn sure, no matter where we are, I am constantly scanning the crowd, waiting for a fist to fly. This is Texas, in most towns, it's still frowned upon, and trust Me, I've been kicked enough times, punched enough times, and chased enough times to know when to run. And I won't put My girl through that, if she's still innocent to the thought of anti-gay, homophobic hate filled attacks, I will do what I can to keep it that way.

My wife (who is butch) is the same way. Certain crowds, she will not hold my hand at all. A few of our straight couple friends don't truly get it when we decline to go to the local straight bars. She's been hit a few times and oh she is a scrapper too. I don't take it personal. I understand.

I am more quick with my tongue when it comes to her. We were at a cascino food court line when the couple behind us asked if my wife was a guy? I put my arm around my wife, turned around and said "She's more a man then your husband is" Said wife wasn't too happy. They quickly left the foodcourt line. HA! My wife just shook her head at me.

[BullDog]

Despite all the homophobia and misogyny one can encounter as a butch, I am very happy to be seen as a dyke. Unfortunately, it is based on stereotypes- because femmes and less masculine appearing lesbians or others who don't fit the "stereotype" are just as lesbian/gay/queer as I am. I do not fall under the "male gaze," I do not have to repeatedly come out, my "queerness" is not suspect- all things that femmes have to deal with. For the most part I am treated fine. The problem is homophobia can spring up at any time, but I just deal as needed- mostly by not responding to it. I am very comfortable in my skin. I wouldn't trade being a Butch for anything.

[Ascot]

Originally Posted by BullDog

Despite all the homophobia and misogyny one can encounter as a butch, I am very happy to be seen as a dyke. Unfortunately, it is based on stereotypes- because femmes and less masculine appearing lesbians or others who don't fit the "stereotype" are just as lesbian/gay/queer as I am. I do not fall under the "male gaze," I do not have to repeatedly come out, my "queerness" is not suspect- all things that femmes have to deal with. For the most part I am treated fine. The problem is homophobia can spring up at any time, but I just deal as needed- mostly by not responding to it. I am very comfortable in my skin. I wouldn't trade being a Butch for anything.

Amen. I wouldn't trade it either. To be butch, to be the counterpart to the breathtaking panoply of gloriousness that is everything femme...no, I wouldn't trade it for anything at all.

Damn, now I'm thinking about all the things I so love about femmes, every kind of femme, each unique unto herself. I could go on for days and never feel as though I'd expressed enough appreciation, fondness, affection and admiration. The lust thing, that would definitely take eons, too.

Vive la difference!

[BullDog]

Yes, I agree Ascot. I am happy to be who I am and much better equipped to face the type of challenges butches face than the one femmes do, but every femme I have ever known is comfortable in her own skin and very happy to be femme. So vive la difference.

[Ascot]

Originally Posted by femm_cb

My wife (who is butch) is the same way. Certain crowds, she will not hold my hand at all. A few of our straight couple friends don't truly get it when we decline to go to the local straight bars. She's been hit a few times and oh she is a scrapper too. I don't take it personal. I understand.

I am more quick with my tongue when it comes to her. We were at a cascino food court line when the couple behind us asked if my wife was a guy? I put my arm around my wife, turned around and said "She's more a man then your husband is" Said wife wasn't too happy. They quickly left the foodcourt line. HA! My wife just shook her head at me.

I get it. It can be a tough call sometimes, the should we/shouldn't we thing. My approach is to be who I am, wherever I am, and if that means wanting to hold my girlfriend's hand then that's what I'm going to do. I am not responsible for others' reactions, but I am prepared to deal with them should they be inappropriate. I think that I've finally learned that I don't have to be so antagonistic. I confess I used to be quite invested in being a fire brand but eventually realized that that behavior, while it might have been fun in the moment, ultimately didn't serve me or anyone else well. It's really easy for me to go to that place, to make a crack, get defensive. I can do that in my sleep. I take it as indicative of my own growth that that is rarely my first inclination anymore. And, if it is, I'm pretty much able to override it at least to the extent that it doesn't manifest outwardly. These days I actually endeavor to engage people in civil exchanges in such a way that might help them realize, in spite of the overt differences, we also have some similarities. Common ground, whatever it is, "Oh, hey, look, we're at the same concert" or, "Yeah, wow, I know! Can you believe someone would actually be brave enough to paint their house that color?" is a great unifier. It's pretty cool when someone comes around. I feel triumphant, maybe even a little tingly. We part, potential animosity possibly dispelled or at least diluted, perhaps each a bit better for the experience. I'm sure to some this will sound like so much fairy tale bullshit. Blah, blah, Ascot, easy for you to say. You know what? It's not easy to say. That shit takes effort. It requires wise choices be made. Yes, it sucks that we have to make them but it is all part of this life we're in.

[TruTexan]

Bumping because it's worth reading again!

PS. I don't care what people say or think about how I dress, or appear to them. It's my life and I don't have any regrets nor do I have any give a fucks about walking into a woman's restroom and being stared at for it. I just walk in, head held high, go into the stall, do my business, then wash my hands and dry them and leave..PERIOD.
I can wear a dress and heels and still look butch no doubt, there's no mistaking me for a femme at all.

Have a great day being butch or femme or however you ID.

[Ascot]

I went to church today for the first time in decades. I was invited by a friend whose fiancé was singing in the choir, and since it was Unitarian service I figured the likelihood of my bursting into flames was fairly slim. If I may say so, I wore a pretty great tie. It felt good to get spiffed up and be comfortable enough in my own skin to have fun with it. There's been a lot of talk lately about man spreading;guys sitting with their legs fairly wide apart, taking up more than their necessary share of space. I confess that I was probably a bit guilty of doing the butch version of that today.😏

[Ascot]

In the last couple of weeks I've been told by three people that they had no idea I was gay. I don't even know what I think about that. Evidently I've been walking around with the erroneous assumption that I read like a big ol' homo to everybody. To be clear, two are passing acquaintances, and the other was a complete stranger. The last one, the stranger, actually I guess it was four people total because there were two women together that I've lumped into the stranger category. I met them when I was geocaching on Saturday, an older gal and a woman I'm thinking was her mother. I told them a little bit about what I was doing, and they seemed to find the whole idea very appealing. They even helped me look for the cache. A couple minutes into the conversation I said, "By the way, I'm Lise." The younger of the two women told me her name, and then gestured to the older woman and said,"And she's Gay." I'm sure you can see where this is going. I just couldn't help myself. I say,"Hey, me too!" Nothing. It seemed pretty clear that even though I declared it, these women just didn't see it. I think it didn't even remotely occur to them. I do realize that it could be a generational thing. Or, I suppose it is possible that they got it, and so didn't care that they didn't even react. Hmm...

I'm usually recognized by other queer folks, and that is a lovely thing. I think my investment in wanting to be seen as gay by nonqueer people has to do with putting out the message that we are everywhere and that's cool. I'm certainly not looking to have that be my sole or even a major identifier, but I still like there to be an awareness of it. Do you guys care if people know?