Friends of Bill W.

[LeftWriteFemme]

May 29


Queens: More than a Borough


My drama is bigger than yours. My drama can kick your drama’s ass. Well maybe not, but it sure is kicking mine. Like a rain soaked grave, I stand in this muddy hole, sides slick, unassailable and count the piles of tragedy, all the while knowing it will bury me not facilitate a climb out. I attempt to display the face of comedy and yet the mask can not fool me, my true audience. I think if I can keep it all up on stage I will be alright, but then the point of theater is that everything is carried away in the minds of all who come and watch. Silence doesn’t help either for there is little worse than a bad mime and doing it well just makes me Lillian Gish. So, back to Bohemia for isn’t it all a rhapsody, though it would all be so much better if Freddy Mercury weren’t dead.


String your dreams together and let them fly


*
HOSTAGE DOLL

A doll stands wedged between two mailboxes
Naked and exposed,
The edge of the road passing her by.

She is there to pay for my self-loathing
I throw my treasures in the air
As skeet to be shot and shattered.

Hate is the obnoxious microbe
Which sours my digestion
And rids me of nutrition and affection.

I purge love and tenderness
I rip the covers from my playthings
And leave them to bleed.

I hide in my self-destruction
I put garish displays streetside
And cry my tears alone.

I cannot ransom to pay the price of fear
I must bring in the broken babies
And put hate out on the curb.

[tomboystud]

May 29
Carry me
“We believe that our Higher Power will take care of us.”
Basic Text, p. 58
––––=––––
We all have times when it seems as though our lives are falling apart. There are days, or even weeks, when it seems that everything that can go wrong is going wrong. Whether it’s the loss of a job, the death of a loved one, or the end of a relationship, we doubt that we’ll survive the changes taking place in our lives.
It’s during the times when the world is crashing down around our ears that we find our greatest faith in a loving Higher Power. No human being could relieve our suffering; we know that only God’s care can provide the comfort we seek. We feel broken but we go on, knowing that our lives will be repaired.
As we progress in our recovery and our faith in our Higher Power grows, we are sure to greet the difficult times with a sense of hope, despite the pain we may be in. We need not despair, for we know that our Higher Power’s care will carry us through when we can’t walk on our own.
––––=––––
Just for today: I will rely on God’s care through the painful times, knowing that my Higher Power will always be there.

Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

[tomboystud]

The Eskimos got thirty different names for snow, I say, I read it in a book.
I've got a cousin, Rachel says, She got three different names.
Sandra Cisneros

There is such diversity within our community that at times we may be confused by the differences among us. What does an African American lesbian poet have in common with a gay white male college professor? What does the experience of a female-to-male transgender twenty-year-old have to do with that of a bisexual woman going through menopause? Instead of quickly categorizing and dismissing one another, let's take in the richness of our diversity. Let's respect what others have to share with us. We can learn from Twelve Step fellowships, where the pain of addictions and the joy of recovery are not merely personal but are shred in common, where emotional identification with others is a powerful tool of healing and growth. Let's go beyond tolerance, beyond merely paying lip service to the idea of community at once-a-year Pride events, and reach out to read, listen, and understand one another's experiences and dreams. Then, we will truly celebrate ourselves and each other.

Today, I reach out to understand and appreciate lives that are different from my own.

[LeftWriteFemme]

May 30

RAID !!!

So, you stepped into a hornets nest and now how am I to respond? Blame you? No, I don’t think so, I mean you are the exterminator and some stings are to be expected, but this is far beyond even your honed ability to anticipate wasps. Cry, running from this ambush? Again, I decline I still want you after the war is over, even if I can not fight by your side. Protest, I try to refrain, I never want to make your job harder but I don’t want to leave the impression I have no concern, so I walk the fine line. Standing on the sidelines is harder than you think, I am helpless and lonely, not as exciting as your work and no comfort from this distance. I must hold my breath while you provoke the bees.



Stack your honest intentions as a hedge against a cold winter
*

TROJAN PERSON

I feel confused by the difference between love and war
The intensity and rush are too much
For my frazzled and betrayed emotions to sort out.

I feel like a Trojan person
I have all these children holdup inside
And they are waiting for peace and safety
So they can come out and sleep

For a time I allowed them to leave
For bathroom breaks one at a time
This was not a workable solution.

When these tykes would have a look around
They started to set fires and break hearts
Each child makes life a battleground
Fights and claws her way across the living landscape.

I must heal my insides from the center of my thoughts
Not send fragments of me to blend
With the unfamiliar and hostile world

Only when I can stand together
With my mind and heart safe within my being
Will I see a way to make love on my own terms
And leave war alone.

[tomboystud]

May 30
Loneliness vs. being alone
“Sharing with others keeps us from feeling isolated and alone.”
Basic Text, p. 85
––––=––––
There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Being lonely is a state of the heart, an emptiness that makes us feel sad and sometimes hopeless. Loneliness is not always alleviated when we enter into relationships or surround ourselves with others. Some of us are lonely even in a room full of people.
Many of us came to Narcotics Anonymous out of the desperate loneliness of our addiction. After coming to meetings, we begin to make new friends, and often our feelings of loneliness ease. But many of us must contend with loneliness throughout our recovery.
What is the cure for loneliness? The best cure is to begin a relationship with a Higher Power that can help fill the emptiness of our heart. We find that when we have a belief in a Higher Power, we never have to feel lonely. We can be alone more comfortably when we have a conscious contact with a God of our understanding.
We often find deep fulfillment in our interactions with others as we progress in our recovery. Yet we also find that, the closer we draw to our Higher Power, the less we need to surround ourselves with others. We begin to find a spirit within us that is our constant companion as we continue to explore and deepen our connection with a Power greater than ourselves. We realize we are spiritually connected with something bigger than we are.
––––=––––
Just for today: I will take comfort in my conscious contact with a Higher Power. I am never alone.

Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

[tomboystud]

We know "family values" very well. We preserve them.
Malcolm Boyd

We've discovered, as members of our communities, how much love and loyalty we have to share with other lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender friends and with people in recovery. Whatever our needs or problems, there is someone willing to share his or her wisdom and expertise with us; however lonely we feel, there is someone we can call who will try to understand what we're going through. When we have the willingness to reach out for support, we will find it.
We have much to give others in our communities. We have held out a hand to newcomers, listened to those in pain, helped care for the sick, and shared our talents and visions. We've been staunch in our support of one another and of our shared values. We've protested and celebrated together. We've held each other's hands in healing circles. We know that we can continue to count on others and be counted on. As the message on a pin worn at gay and lesbian rights marches says, "Love makes a family."

Today, I cherish my chosen family.

[LeftWriteFemme]

May 31



Black & Dedication


The brand of equipment endorsed by my Higher Power is built so that my hand is clasped inside lest I feel alone or unaided. A closed mouth and an open mind work very well when I can manage either of them and Step 10 works when I can’t. I am usually the problem in my life but I am always the solution. Others may change and contribute; I am the one and only one, responsible for my happiness. Dropping blame from my vocabulary and adding responsibility, learning to differentiate between what is mine and what is yours; these tools are keys and they open worlds of possibility to me. Also they shut out the demons of wrong thinking, wrong acting and desperation, which used to plague me. There are still greater tools I yearn for but like everything I must be patient and build my muscles to handle the heavier machinery.



Dine with hope


*

GULPING

The plug that lodges in my throat
From too much, too fast
Causes the anxiety to rise in me.

The panic fills my contracting muscles
Into rock solid revolt.
I can’t live, is the predictable result

Gulping attention, acclaim, excitement, sex,
Does the same thing
My heart clots and my personality stops in mid-flow

Everything in carefully chosen, well chewed bites
Makes the process proceed
My life works along workable paths

If I stay away from oversized freight
I can never swallow myself whole
Why would I keep trying to imbibe giants like desire?