Public Displays of Affection (PDA)

[Kobi]

I am lucky to live in an area where pda are rarely an issue. I have also never been gay bashed.

So, I tend to do what ever feels natural to me when in my own environment.

I tend to be more cautious when in a different environment and/or in a different area in the country/world.

[lusciouskiwi]

Here in Malaysia, my ex was very loath to hold hands (never any cheek kissing), sometimes using the hot weather (sweaty hands) as an explanation or just that we're in a homophobic society. But I see young butch femme couples walking around holding hands all the time. Or, walking very close together. (Or having sex in the toilets, but that's another story).

I don't know if it would be different - better or worse - if I were with a white partner or not. Certainly years ago in NZ I had yelling from passing cars, stones thrown, and other fun stuff while with a girlfriend and holding hands.

It was funny being in Korea. I could walk around holding any woman's hand and no one would blink an eyelid because it's culturally acceptable. I would often hold hands or walk arm in arm with my straight mate. But walk around NZ, hand in hand with one of my sisters. For them it's all about "someone might think we're gay."

Like lots of other people, I'm very affectionate. I'm not fond of tonsil hockey though.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I've had yelling from cars for homophobia, sexism, size (when I was fat), and highschool idiots just being random assholes for no reason at all. It's not stopped me from holding someone's hand.
I've lived in a quite a few cities in a few different countries and traveled quite a bit I have only been very mindful about it in Indonesia, Malaysia, Panama and small towns in the states.
I am absolutely fine with arm in arm, hand holding, a nice kiss.
I do hug and cuddle if we are standing watching fire works or something but I don't have my legs over hers and strumming anyones hair if I'm on the tube or something. hand holding is something I love to do.

In london, as we approached a group of 7 boys who were drinking I went to let go of my partner's (at the time) hand. She said
"No. don't let go. they see you let go and they will know we're afraid and that's much worse. it's like dogs. keep your calm and don't be nervous."

we walked through their pack and one of them kicked me and the red mist decended and I spun around and kicked back. they laughed at the kid I hit and they said some silly shit and kept walking.

I've been attacked quite a few times for just being female. I'm really not afraid to punch people anymore. but I have never lived in a country with hand guns either.

But no. the harassment and attacks I've had have not discouraged me from holding hands in public.

one ex of mind would not hold hands. she said she thought is was childish. I told her I thought that was BS. she was scared. I pointed to tons of adults "are they childish? are they? do they look childish? how bout them? I think you are scared of being spotted for a homo. cause, like, you are so stealth about it by the way you look, right? no one knows you are a homo! better not hold hands and out yourself!" I was laughing and taking the piss.

she told me to shut it, but I was a bit relentless about it. she always got very PDA after a couple of drinks so I'm pretty damn sure it was fear of something. It was oxford. it's not like anything would have happened save a very unlikely shit comment. big whoop someone voices disapproval. jesus. never had that before. not sure how I'd manage to cope with the opinions of someone I don't know or care about...

My exwife wouldn't do it. she was scared. though I'm not sure why, having come from an extremely progressive country. Then after we were married she realised she had every fucking right to hold my hand, I was her goddamn wife. So she finally started holding my hand. It used to really hurt my feelings, though I tried not to feel hurt, it really did - that she would allow disapproving looks be more important than holding my hand. So finally I felt she had overcome her lack of "right" to hold my hand in public. Did we get snotty looks? sometimes. One wine and cheese canal cruise a table full of Italians were being extremely rude and glaring at me. She actually spoke up and told them that gay marriage was legal in holland and to suck it up or leave.

that was very appreciated. and the rest of the people on the cruise glared at the group who were being homophobic.

[*Anya*]

Things have changed for me, over the years, in my personal experience.

When I was a young lesbian and holding hands with my femme girlfriend, there would always be looks and comments. Sometimes scary ones.

With my long-term ex butch, if I held her hand or her arm; it was much worse. She always was called sir at first, until they saw her bosoms-then, you could almost see the rage cross their faces, as they came to the realization that she was female.

Honestly, I always felt that because I was young and attractive, it particularly pissed off hostile men and teen boys: "what are you doing with her baby, I got something here for you"; as they grabbed their dicks.

What I have really come to grasp, in a very real and concrete way, is that as I age, I do become more invisible to straight (potentially hostile) bio men and that PDA between two older women only rates a passing glance.

My GF has very short salt and pepper hair. More salt than pepper. I clearly no longer look 25 (or 35 or 45 or 55....).

Now, we hold hands frequently (which scared the heck out of me when I was young) and wherever we are, an occasional raised eyebrow is all we get.

When I was younger, I remember reading about how one becomes more invisible to others as aging progresses. I now get to experience that phenomenon, in real life.

All of us have seen older women (and very much older women) holding the arm of another woman and unless one is really butch, we don't think twice about it, do we?

My perspective on the issue.

Oh, I do hate overt PDA's regardless of gender or sexual identities. My first thought is: "Get a room already"!

[easygoingfemme]

I'm not into pda. I'm fine holding hands in public, an arm around me, a quick kiss hello/good-bye but that's enough.

It's interesting to me how it's shifted after only being with women for my life, and now being with a man (trans, but for all public knowledge, he's just a guy). When I was with women I would have the guard up when hand holding, etc, in public. Especially at something like a family event, or around my daughters friends. My ex and I often had absolutely no physical contact in those situations. Now, with homophobia not being an issue, I'm still not into pda because in my opinion and comfort zone for how I present myself, it's just not cool. But I also have some... I don't know- straight guilt/privilege awareness that he and I are pretty darn safe to hold hands, snuggle, etc in public. We laugh about it, about how "normal" we appear, especially when we're walking around with our kids and their friends. But it's still weird to be on the other side.

[Chancie]

Pete and I are very relaxed and physical with each other with a few exceptions.

We don't smooch or hold hands at school events, but I've never seen a teacher show physical affection to their spouse at a school event.

I teach in a small town, and Pete's mother lives in another small town. There are very few kids and parents who haven't seen us fighting in the grocery store, and yesterday, I saw one ex student at a natural foods store and another couple of ex students getting frozen yogurt.

In general, we are a silly pair, often singing and dancing and laughing.

[easygoingfemme]

Originally Posted by Chancie

In general, we are a silly pair, often singing and dancing and laughing.

Now that, I can get behind. We do a lot of that. Especially when in public with the kids. Because they are teenagers and very fun to embarrass.

[Asari]

Originally Posted by easygoingfemme

I'm not into pda. I'm fine holding hands in public, an arm around me, a quick kiss hello/good-bye but that's enough.

Same here.
As to me it feels more special and intense if I'm showing my affection in private only.
Maybe it's because I have a rather reserved family and cultural background. I don't know.

[lusciouskiwi]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

Sometimes scary ones.

With my long-term ex butch, if I held her hand or her arm; it was much worse. She always was called sir at first, until they saw her bosoms-then, you could almost see the rage cross their faces, as they came to the realization that she was female.

This! Exactly Anya. In the case of my ex-butch (nearly 20 years ago now), she had very small breasts and never bothered with any kind of bra. She was a bus driver and the number of people who initially thought she was a man then realised she wasn't and were enraged - the ugly looks on their faces! I don't miss that (only because I've been single for quite some time).

[Nadeest]

I haven't had to deal with this much, yet, as I haven't had a lot of romantic experience since I started transitioning. However, I really don't care too much if people disapprove, if the right person is kissing me. As far as I am concerned, if they start complaining, I'll baptize them at the nearest source of water.

[girllikeu2]

I LOVE touching people. Luckily, I am from a place where it is very acceptable to touch people (people kiss friends and colleagues on the cheek to greet and regularly hug people hello and goodbye) Actually, NOT touching people is considered sort of rude around here.

HOWEVER, there still can be the clenchy reaction to an obvious couple smooching hello or walking down the street hand in hand. I have only ever had ONE very rude experience with an Ex in Texas when we got spit on and followed by a guy who really needed a better thesaurus, but in general I have to say I have been lucky to battle nothing more than the occasional dirty look when I hold hands or snuggle up in a movie theater.

[Rockinonahigh]

I live in the north west corner of Louisiana,It is still heavly counted as the bible belt.Now in this year of 2013 it is a bit less likely to get you in trouble for PDA's if you are glbt but not by much.We have three gay bars hear where anything go's,but in public full on spit swaping will get you some big frowns and most probly a word or two from someone that also includes the stright folks around hear.Recently I was in a store where a young stright couple were in the check out line makeing out big time leaveing nothing to the immaganation,they got called down by the manager who saw them as wellas several of the customers in line.Personaly I have no trouble with PDA's as in hand holding,keeping my hand in the small of her back or even sneaking a kiss or two.I am an affectoniate person to a falt I just beleave in treating her like a lady at all times.I also can be a rascally old devile when the time is right...once I was discusing this subject with a group at a pflag meting about how people really form judgements about gay people.I told them being yourself is fantastik,pda's and behavior in public is ok at the right time but there is no substitute for class with good behavior no matter who you are.

[Chinajewelry]

My girlfriend and I went to get tea the other night and then we were kissing in my car. We hear this honking, so we look around and she's like "Are they honking at us?" but I was like "why would they be honking at us..?" This car circled the parking lot, honking obnoxiously, and parked next to us, still honking. We're trying to get back into the moment, you know, but they're staring at us and hanging their heads out the windows. What the hell!? So I rolled down my window and flipped them off. I told them to f*ck off! It didn't discourage these guys though, one of them stuck their head out and actually asked me if he could join us. I thought it was so rude and immature! Would they have done that to a straight couple? I doubt it...