Recieving or saying hurtful......how do you deal with it

Rockinonahigh · 08-06-2013, 06:15 PM

Last night I found out soemthing the upset me bad.A fue months ago I bought a new pool case that cost me in the excess of a couple of hundred bucksm when I bought it I still had the case I was useing so the proshop at my home base pool hall ask why I didn't just leave it there a while to see of it sells to cover some of the cost of the new case so I did that.Now I have inquired a fue times about it but ot was still where I left it.So I had desided as I wsa going to Vegas for the pool tournament I would use the other case cause if it got knocked around I would like it but not worry about it either caues it has a hard shell case.When I went after it the guy at the shop said he had given it away to someone who wanted a case but just couldnt afford it.It pissed me greatly,I didnt say a thing for a while as he was telling me this.I grited my teeth,my eye twitched,I swallows a couple of times.He said he thought he told me about it before but gess he forgot.Yes we are working something out cause I want my sticks retiped plus I need a couple of things incase I need them in Vegas.He knows I am not in the least happy with this situation,yes we are working it out,but u can bet he will never see another dime of my money for anything,there are other places I can go to.I know all the therapy and life stratigies I have had are doing some good..he still lives.

JAGG · 08-06-2013, 06:46 PM

Here is my rule on it. I don't try to reason with an irrational person. I see they are angry , so I give them a little more forgiveness than normal. I don't pay attention to their "immature" venting style. I filter through it let it roll off me and get to the heart of the issue, try to address what is really upsetting them. I am very thick skinned most things like this don't effect me much. I don't engage in name calling and I avoid using the words always and never. A few things that work for me are, when your loved one is ranting at you , don't get defensive it's not you against her, it's not about who is right and who is wrong, what matters is the person you love is upset . Listen to what she is really saying to you.
Then remind her and yourself that you are on her side, you are on the same side, you are on the same team. There is no need to get so upset if you communicate properly all along.
If you are taking digs at each other you are not being honest about things with each other and you are not communicating very well about how you feel , what you want and expect. It always boils down to honesty, if you can't be honest with yourself and them about all things, problems will always escalate. Just my 2 cents worth.

Teddybear · 08-07-2013, 01:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by T-Rex

Butch Femme Planet > HEALTH: BODY, MIND, SPIRIT > BREAKUPS, LESSONS LEARNED, HEALING

Or here.

Thank you T-Rex

I was unsure as to where to put it when I started the thread and really thought there may have been one of those topics that was heated.

Thank you for placing it in the right place

Rockinonahigh · 08-07-2013, 01:49 AM

Metro mentioned toxic people and or situations that seam to be with them.Three years ago I chose to cut some people out of my life because of them being extreamly toxic to my mental well being,it didnt start out like this it started with the breakup of a couple I had been friends with since college.Before they ever broke up someone new,who I knew and introduced them to,moved into the situation like a leach.I just didn't see that comeing at all,by time the split was done it had destroid two kids who ended up going back to theire dad's to live, wich imop was best cause the rest forgot they were adults and kids were involved.They stasrted calling me up asking for advice...I wouldn't give any,I told them all I didn't wan't anything to do with the whole mess just leave me out of it.I changed my phone number,stoped going to the gay clubs for a while cause they were always going on the nights I could go cause of work.It has been so much better not haveing that sort of crap to deal with.Now if I even think a toxic situation is comeing in my direction, I am gone.I keep the trouble out of my life as much as I can,if any happends that directly effects me or mine I deal with it then forget it,life is so much better that way.

peachy · 08-09-2013, 01:01 PM

My relationship with my ex husband is hard work because he is extremely rude and ignorant in the way he speaks to me often - but at the same time he has been a good provider and he has been a real man about me coming out. I am really grateful to him for that but I can't stand the way he speaks to me and he wouldn't be so disrespectful to me if I were a man.

He's the father of my child so I have to try and be friends for her sake. If it wasn't for her, even though he has been so good about our divorce and everything I don't think we would see each other any more or be friends. We push each other's buttons too much. If he is rude to me I try to stay calm and not turn it into an argument. I say don't talk to me like that please.

At times I have lost my temper and the way I have spoken to him has been pretty nasty too. When I have calmed down I apologise. Over time we have become a little more mellow with each other but it has taken 10 years.

The older I get the less I tolerate crap. I just walk away now and know that when one relationships door closes another opens. It's hard when there are children though. It hurts them to see anger. The only way I have been able to reach a happy compromise has been to live separate lives from my ex as far as our friendship goes but try to do normal family stuff like holidays and eating together for the sake of our daughter. I wish I could be in a happy relationship for her to see how that works but this isn't flowing right now either.

Ginger · 08-16-2013, 06:41 PM

I remove myself from hurtful people. The trap is to engage with them and I fall into that trap, but not always. My weakness is going numb. That enables me to put up with unbearable things I should walk away from. I'll always struggle with that one, but at least I'm aware of it.

Ciaran · 08-17-2013, 09:20 AM

I am a guttural person and, when passionate, I can say things that are extremely hurtful in the heat of the moment. Sometimes, this is consciously deliberate (i.e. to hurt) and, sometimes, less so.

At the time, it usually feels fine - until, in the cold light of the next day (or next week or month), I've comprehended exactly what I've said and how it may have impacted the other person.

I'm getting better at apologising but still not good at it (would rate myself at 2 out of 10 on the "ability to apologise" scale) and I've also realised that, whilst it's possible to apologise, it's not possible to take back what was said.

On the reverse, I've had many hurtful, sometimes very hurtful, things said to me over the years. In my younger years, words impacted me much more. These days, much less so ...... other than a small number of people I deeply love, it would be hard to say something to me that caused me extreme hurt.

Rather, I'd just walk away and keep walking ...... I don't always think it's a good trait but I am very good at shutting people out of my life without a second thought.

08-06-2013, 06:46 PM	#2
JAGG Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: JAGG Relationship Status: =) Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Tulsa (cat free zone) Posts: 6,093 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 18,651 Thanked 17,531 Times in 4,137 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	Here is my rule on it. I don't try to reason with an irrational person. I see they are angry , so I give them a little more forgiveness than normal. I don't pay attention to their "immature" venting style. I filter through it let it roll off me and get to the heart of the issue, try to address what is really upsetting them. I am very thick skinned most things like this don't effect me much. I don't engage in name calling and I avoid using the words always and never. A few things that work for me are, when your loved one is ranting at you , don't get defensive it's not you against her, it's not about who is right and who is wrong, what matters is the person you love is upset . Listen to what she is really saying to you. Then remind her and yourself that you are on her side, you are on the same side, you are on the same team. There is no need to get so upset if you communicate properly all along. If you are taking digs at each other you are not being honest about things with each other and you are not communicating very well about how you feel , what you want and expect. It always boils down to honesty, if you can't be honest with yourself and them about all things, problems will always escalate. Just my 2 cents worth. __________________ I don't want to spend my life with someone I can live with, I want to spend my life with someone I can't live without.

08-09-2013, 01:01 PM	#5
peachy Member How Do You Identify?: Me Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: Here Posts: 109 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 492 Thanked 395 Times in 90 Posts Rep Power: 5513869	My relationship with my ex husband is hard work because he is extremely rude and ignorant in the way he speaks to me often - but at the same time he has been a good provider and he has been a real man about me coming out. I am really grateful to him for that but I can't stand the way he speaks to me and he wouldn't be so disrespectful to me if I were a man. He's the father of my child so I have to try and be friends for her sake. If it wasn't for her, even though he has been so good about our divorce and everything I don't think we would see each other any more or be friends. We push each other's buttons too much. If he is rude to me I try to stay calm and not turn it into an argument. I say don't talk to me like that please. At times I have lost my temper and the way I have spoken to him has been pretty nasty too. When I have calmed down I apologise. Over time we have become a little more mellow with each other but it has taken 10 years. The older I get the less I tolerate crap. I just walk away now and know that when one relationships door closes another opens. It's hard when there are children though. It hurts them to see anger. The only way I have been able to reach a happy compromise has been to live separate lives from my ex as far as our friendship goes but try to do normal family stuff like holidays and eating together for the sake of our daughter. I wish I could be in a happy relationship for her to see how that works but this isn't flowing right now either. __________________ life's a peach Caution: contains hard stone

08-16-2013, 06:41 PM	#6
Ginger Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme lesbian Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: East coast Posts: 2,416 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,829 Thanked 12,299 Times in 2,057 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I remove myself from hurtful people. The trap is to engage with them and I fall into that trap, but not always. My weakness is going numb. That enables me to put up with unbearable things I should walk away from. I'll always struggle with that one, but at least I'm aware of it. __________________ Reach out.

08-06-2013, 06:15 PM	#1
Rockinonahigh Senior Member How Do You Identify?: stone butch Preferred Pronoun?: makes no diffrence,I know who I am. Relationship Status: single,maybe looking if the right person comes along. Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: shreveport,Louisiana Posts: 4,907 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,682 Thanked 14,934 Times in 3,938 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	Last night I found out soemthing the upset me bad.A fue months ago I bought a new pool case that cost me in the excess of a couple of hundred bucksm when I bought it I still had the case I was useing so the proshop at my home base pool hall ask why I didn't just leave it there a while to see of it sells to cover some of the cost of the new case so I did that.Now I have inquired a fue times about it but ot was still where I left it.So I had desided as I wsa going to Vegas for the pool tournament I would use the other case cause if it got knocked around I would like it but not worry about it either caues it has a hard shell case.When I went after it the guy at the shop said he had given it away to someone who wanted a case but just couldnt afford it.It pissed me greatly,I didnt say a thing for a while as he was telling me this.I grited my teeth,my eye twitched,I swallows a couple of times.He said he thought he told me about it before but gess he forgot.Yes we are working something out cause I want my sticks retiped plus I need a couple of things incase I need them in Vegas.He knows I am not in the least happy with this situation,yes we are working it out,but u can bet he will never see another dime of my money for anything,there are other places I can go to.I know all the therapy and life stratigies I have had are doing some good..he still lives.

08-07-2013, 01:49 AM	#4
Rockinonahigh Senior Member How Do You Identify?: stone butch Preferred Pronoun?: makes no diffrence,I know who I am. Relationship Status: single,maybe looking if the right person comes along. Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: shreveport,Louisiana Posts: 4,907 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,682 Thanked 14,934 Times in 3,938 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	Metro mentioned toxic people and or situations that seam to be with them.Three years ago I chose to cut some people out of my life because of them being extreamly toxic to my mental well being,it didnt start out like this it started with the breakup of a couple I had been friends with since college.Before they ever broke up someone new,who I knew and introduced them to,moved into the situation like a leach.I just didn't see that comeing at all,by time the split was done it had destroid two kids who ended up going back to theire dad's to live, wich imop was best cause the rest forgot they were adults and kids were involved.They stasrted calling me up asking for advice...I wouldn't give any,I told them all I didn't wan't anything to do with the whole mess just leave me out of it.I changed my phone number,stoped going to the gay clubs for a while cause they were always going on the nights I could go cause of work.It has been so much better not haveing that sort of crap to deal with.Now if I even think a toxic situation is comeing in my direction, I am gone.I keep the trouble out of my life as much as I can,if any happends that directly effects me or mine I deal with it then forget it,life is so much better that way.

08-17-2013, 09:20 AM	#7
Ciaran Member How Do You Identify?: Altocalciphilic Preferred Pronoun?: Papa Smurf Relationship Status: Curmudgeonous spinster Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: London (but from Belfast) Posts: 678 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 471 Thanked 3,654 Times in 602 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I am a guttural person and, when passionate, I can say things that are extremely hurtful in the heat of the moment. Sometimes, this is consciously deliberate (i.e. to hurt) and, sometimes, less so. At the time, it usually feels fine - until, in the cold light of the next day (or next week or month), I've comprehended exactly what I've said and how it may have impacted the other person. I'm getting better at apologising but still not good at it (would rate myself at 2 out of 10 on the "ability to apologise" scale) and I've also realised that, whilst it's possible to apologise, it's not possible to take back what was said. On the reverse, I've had many hurtful, sometimes very hurtful, things said to me over the years. In my younger years, words impacted me much more. These days, much less so ...... other than a small number of people I deeply love, it would be hard to say something to me that caused me extreme hurt. Rather, I'd just walk away and keep walking ...... I don't always think it's a good trait but I am very good at shutting people out of my life without a second thought.