What do you do for closure?

[GeeGina]

With respect to those who seek it, I've never been someone who needed "closure". Reason is that I prefer to just go forward and get on with my life. Seeking closure only makes me feel like a part of me - even a small part - is still living in the past, giving that someone who hurt me more power than they deserve.

Heartbreak is like a hangover - everyone's got their own unique cure that works for them. So, do whatever you need to get yourself healthy and centered again!!

[Kurt]

Originally Posted by GeeGina

With respect to those who seek it, I've never been someone who needed "closure". Reason is that I prefer to just go forward and get on with my life. Seeking closure only makes me feel like a part of me - even a small part - is still living in the past, giving that someone who hurt me more power than they deserve.

Heartbreak is like a hangover - everyone's got their own unique cure that works for them. So, do whatever you need to get yourself healthy and centered again!!

Love that last line...perfectly stated..

[Ginger]

Great thread, and interesting posts!

I guess for me, "closure" just means, something is closed.

I close a door, and walk away from the closed door, and I'm okay with it being closed and I don't have an urge to keep opening it—as if I'd find something that wasn't there before, if I did.

The opposite of closure is a very unsatisfying place to be in. It's like standing in front of the empty refrigerator; opening it, seeing nothing there, then opening it again—still nothing there—and continuing to compulsively open it and reliving the disappointment that there is nothing there, over and over.

Closure, for me, means closing the door and walking away, letting go of false hope, accepting that some things will never be resolved, never make sense, accepting that I can't make myself known or even seen clearly sometimes—and it feels good to walk away from that struggle and agree not to waste more of my life on it.

Others have talked about the triggers that delay closure, the artifacts that are left when a relationship ends. I like to set them free, let those things out into the world.

I give away gifts from an ex, unless they remind me of feeling loved; not in a self-destructive, pining kind of way, but in a strong way, a way that feels validating.

[Violette]

Thanks again, everyone for your insight. I feel I have closure. Just in the healing process...which is a beautiful and sometimes painful thing, but ever so enriched by it in the end.

[MysticOceansFL]

Well here is my example of what happened to me I had to break it off with my ex of six years her and I were married and its never an easy thing to do her and I went to counseling a few times but anyway the cause was that I had no trust with her. But I never sent her an email her and I talked about it and it was mutual and I don't stay in contact with her.

[BoDy*ShOt]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

...Closure, for me, means closing the door and walking away, letting go of false hope, accepting that some things will never be resolved, never make sense, accepting that I can't make myself known or even seen clearly sometimes—and it feels good to walk away from that struggle and agree not to waste more of my life on it.

this is perfect and will go on my proverbial mirror.

[DMW]

Stop answering emails and phone calls.

[DMW]

Also, delete voicemails before they play.

I learned that sometimes I can't assist an ex in
their grieving process and letting go.
I learned that sometimes in order to get a clear mind I require
distance from their pain and their loss.
I learned that sometimes i had to be
really selfish and respect and love myself above all others and
try and get space in order to hear my own voice again.
I learned that once I decided that I was not going to
go back. That i had to "drop the rope"

Good luck

[imperfect_cupcake]

closure for me does not happen like closing a door. It's many many stages of closure.

It's almost two years ago my wife left and I'm still struggling to deal with what happened. I'm still angry. I still miss who she used to be. I still miss the incredibly good parts of our partnership... in terms of it being "us" not "her"

I took some time away. I just got in contact with her to just say I'm still around, don't know if I can talk yet. still angry.

She came back with a happy email of great news and stuff that just brought up a bunch of bile for me. She has very obviously been able to move on. And I've been very slowly trying to piece myself back. And wondering how long it will be until I'm able to trust anyone.

I would like to be friends but I dunno. I asked her for an apology for her choices or at least and aknowlegement it *WAS* a choice. rather than "oh it just happened, I didn't plan it, I'm sorry you got hurt blah blah."

when I hear that from her, I dunno maybe it might help me to get past it? Maybe not. Maybe I'll still be fucking angry for a long time anyway. But I at least told her what I needed from her if she does want to be friends.

other relationships? I say goodbye. I say goodbye in the way you say good bye to dead people. The relationship is dead. I write a letter and burn it. I take time for myself. I can't be around the other person. I know they want to be friends like, a week later, cause they miss me. you know what? that's what happens when things die. you miss them.

I try and do my work and I don't ask them to do my work for me. I write and write. and in stages, little things close. like a wall with a thousand doors. over time and work, one little door will close.

Sometimes I'm scared to close some of those little doors because I'm scared. scared that there won't be anything on the other side of all those hurt feelings. that there is just nothingness. and something is better than nothing.

It's a long, slow process that only I can give myself.

[Amber2010]

Break ups are one of the hardest things I think we have in this world. Sometimes it makes us think why do we even try? When things are good they are so so good. We are smiling even in our sleep. When things start to go it is sometimes so gradual that we are shocked that what made you feel like the happiest person in this world could have ended. I have been in a relationship with the love of my life for four years. I really don't think anyone ever means to hurt someone you truely love; it is just that we change, life changes and what we want changes with time. You try to keep things and compromise but sometimes you just can't.
On a phone hearing each others voices you want to try again. The love is there so you think that will be enough.
Finally an e-mail "letter" is in order. The other person can not make excuses why they are doing what they are or that things will get better in time.
Getting rid of all ways of contact like changing cell phone numbers and taking them off your facebook, e-mail list and getting rid of all pictures, e-mails etc is the very last step. I agree that is the hardest step. Knowing why you broke up doesn't always help it still hurts the pain is still raw. They say time makes it less painful. Maybe unless the memories kick in.
Maybe learning to love ourselves and believe that we did everything we could but sometimes it is just time to let go and know we are not bad people it is just bad siturations. Maybe that helps?

[~baby~doll~]

Great thread! Thank you.
Closure is an interesting topic. It comes in so many ways and happens to me in my place of peace. in the house is a prayer or spiritual space. i recently experienced the death of a dear friend and lover. i hurt to the core. i visited my inner goddess and found my center. it was necessary to focus my energies and take back the shards which broke away by her death. The process has taken months and still continues.
It has been a slow walk through memories and images. i have come to a place where i no longer weep and mourn but find her at peace in my mind.
i believe i have once and for all kicked out the demons who would drag me back into painful mourning.

[Scots_On_The_Rocks]

I do my best to have that one last convo with the person I am needing closure with, but if that is not an option, I write a letter to that person and then burn it.

[betruetoyoursoul]

Originally Posted by ~baby~doll~

Great thread! Thank you.
Closure is an interesting topic. It comes in so many ways and happens to me in my place of peace. in the house is a prayer or spiritual space. i recently experienced the death of a dear friend and lover. i hurt to the core. i visited my inner goddess and found my center. it was necessary to focus my energies and take back the shards which broke away by her death. The process has taken months and still continues.
It has been a slow walk through memories and images. i have come to a place where i no longer weep and mourn but find her at peace in my mind.
i believe i have once and for all kicked out the demons who would drag me back into painful mourning.

I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss, may your precious memories help you get through the difficult times...Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...