"End Game" for butches : )

TruTexan · 10-17-2013, 07:20 PM

Personally, I don't want a huge funeral. I just want to be cremated and let my ashes fly over the property that my grandparents own and that still belongs to my family members. I am butch but not male identified. I just don't care what happens to my body after I am gone. Mom knows not to put me in a dress, so do both my sisters and my cousins. I've told my mom what I wanted and told my cousins.I need to cover this with my sisters as well.
I just need to get my funeral arrangements paid for to cover the cost of my ashes and stuff, this way no one can change a thing unless THEY are paying for it, and let my family members know where to find papers for my prepaid arrangements and what to do with my ashes after I am gone.

I kinda think everyone should try to have some kind of plan in action thing to take care of things so their loved ones don't have to go through all that stuff.

Scots_On_The_Rocks · 10-17-2013, 08:18 PM

Seeing as how several have mentioned their after life plans, I wanted to add....that when the day come that the Universe claims my energies back, I want my body cremated and would love to have this done with my ashes: Bios Urn, and I would request a Sequoia, Mountain Huckleberry or a Pacific Madrone, and have the urn "planted" in one of my favourite places

Rockinonahigh · 10-17-2013, 08:53 PM

I don't call it "End Game" just good future planing for myself and faimly bio or other wise.Last year I had a lawyer draw a will up for my request of plands.My son James is my executor of my intire estate,he will become full parent to all my fur kids as they all have formed a huge bond.He also will inherit my full estate lock stock and smokeing barrels,if he passes before me my cousin will take over in the same way.My son knows my wishes incase I get into a veggitative state,we had many a long talk about this cause I know full well how he will fell in doing this cause we did this for my mother.I am to be creamated ,I want a amazon funierl but the law says I can have a pyree burning out in the feilds so I will follow the law to do it leagle.When it's done I have an urn I bought years ago that has the amazon symbols on it for a warrior,leader,parent.I don't wan't a funirel; I want a big party celebrateing life hear an over the bridge.

TruTexan · 10-17-2013, 09:00 PM

Just to add another thought on this topic..........
If I am brain dead or need life support to breathe for me... NOT happening.
I"m an Organ Donor, and my family knows this as well as it is on my driver's license in my state and should make sure of that happening.

SleepyButch · 10-17-2013, 09:28 PM

Interesting questions. For me when I die, I don't think that I will care much about what I am buried in even though I would prefer to be in a nice suit. My family knows my preferences and I seriously doubt they would put me in a dress but I do understand some people don't have those kind of loved ones.

I know a lot of people make burial arrangements before they ever plan to leave this earth. That would be an option. Go and talk to a funeral director. Express your wishes. Get that all set up down to what you want to wear.

I personally know a funeral director who teaches students and one of the messages she is trying to convey to them is that funerals should be a celebration of the deceased's life and not just for those that are left behind. This means that if someone wants to wear a suit or a dress, that is there option. If someone wants to play heavy metal music at their funeral even if there family objects, that is what should happen. I hope that for all of our sakes that this is the way of the future.

As far as being in a hospital, a lot of people feel like they lose their dignity during those times, not just Butches but everyone. People being made to wear gowns where their asses are hanging out. Having a catheter in, being poked and prodded at what seems like every second. It's never easy being sick and having to deal with this as well makes it that much worse.

Being a nurse myself I would suggest to just find a nurse/someone you trust and tell her/him your wishes. Hey, I prefer to wear my boxers. Hey, I don't want all of these people around when I'm being examined. It makes me uncomfortable. It is your prerogative to ask. A lot of times, hospitals have pants that you can wear instead of those awful gowns. Ask for them. The worse that could happen is they can say no. Someone around there has to be a patient advocate. All nurses should be even though I know that's not the case. They are all concentrating on getting you over your sickness and not thinking about the fact that you might be uncomfortable. Remind them.

Anyway, good luck with whatever you are going through.

firegal · 10-17-2013, 09:47 PM

This had a a bit of humor in it but also was a reminder of planning ahead.
My lil sis passed away this past February at home surrounded by her wife and me and a few loved ones. It was a reminder to me that we do need to deal with what may happen... To us.....if we choose to.

If we don't the ones that are left behind will have to deal/ make the decisions.

CRAP.... Gotta go quick and clean out THE drawer! Before I go to bed JUST in case!

Serious I do need to plan ahead!

princessbelle · 10-18-2013, 06:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SleepyButch

~snip~

As far as being in a hospital, a lot of people feel like they lose their dignity during those times, not just Butches but everyone. People being made to wear gowns where their asses are hanging out. Having a catheter in, being poked and prodded at what seems like every second. It's never easy being sick and having to deal with this as well makes it that much worse.

Being a nurse myself I would suggest to just find a nurse/someone you trust and tell her/him your wishes. Hey, I prefer to wear my boxers. Hey, I don't want all of these people around when I'm being examined. It makes me uncomfortable. It is your prerogative to ask. A lot of times, hospitals have pants that you can wear instead of those awful gowns. Ask for them. The worse that could happen is they can say no. Someone around there has to be a patient advocate. All nurses should be even though I know that's not the case. They are all concentrating on getting you over your sickness and not thinking about the fact that you might be uncomfortable. Remind them.

Anyway, good luck with whatever you are going through.

I totally agree SleepyButch. Everyone does need an advocate while you are hospitalized or worse. Make sure someone that knows your wishes on how you want to be treated is with you during these times. Also remember that we nurses take an oath to be a patient advocate. I know i have, as i'm sure all nurses here, have stood nose to nose with doctors protecting our patient's privacy, wishes and personal needs. That is something we don't take lightly. Most of us take it seriously.

Talk to your nurse and if you are incapacitated to the point you can't talk, make sure someone you are close to will do that for you. Be open and honest to the staff and if your nurse seems as though they have forgotten why they are a nurse to begin with, ask for the charge nurse, the nurse manager and so on.

Getting someone pants to wear instead of a gown, being called "he" instead of "she", having a partner in the room, should be the easy stuff compared to why you are there to begin with. Stand up for yourself and don't be afraid to demand the respect as a patient that you deserve.

Back in the 80s when being gay wasn't cool (pardon the pun there) it was way more difficult to get hospital peeps to understand where you might be coming from. Today, even though it is still hard at times, it is better understood. Thanks to the people who educate, like Greyson and Julie for example.

Anyway, i ramble on this because i have seen it transform so much over the years. Bottom line....don't be afraid to tell hospital staff, especially your advocate, your nurse, how you EXPECT to be treated. It is your right.

*Anya* · 10-18-2013, 07:31 AM

I agree with all the nurses who have posted.

The time it becomes very difficult is when you are unconscious!

The first person that noticed was my advocate and if I did not have one-I shudder to think what may have happened to me.

Nurses are so busy now and have so many critical patients, my advocate noticed before medical personnel that my temp had spiked to 104.

If you need you go to the hospital for any reason, even if you think it is small and that you really do not want to bother your advocate "it's only something minor, I don't want to bother them"; please do it anyway!

Life can turn on a dime in the hospital and frequently does.

Dykeumentary, thank you for so courageously posting your video. I will show it to my own butch. She lives in a lot of denial about potential health-related issues and it scares me.

I hope your video will be the thing to spark a much-needed dialogue between us.

LexiLove · 01-26-2014, 09:47 AM

This has nothing to do with this thread overall but even though I don't know any of you..i want you to all be healthy, happy, and live long glorious lives. The idea of losing any of you wonderful people makes me sad. Ok, just had to say that.

Rockinonahigh · 10-17-2013, 11:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TruTexan

Just to add another thought on this topic..........
If I am brain dead or need life support to breathe for me... NOT happening.
I"m an Organ Donor, and my family knows this as well as it is on my driver's license in my state and should make sure of that happening.

I am also an organ donor so is my son,If anything I have worth useing can help someone my passing will be even better to know I helped another be healthy to have a better life.

morningstar55 · 10-17-2013, 11:40 PM

if I was to ever be put in the position of making my partners plans.
i would make ABSOLUTELY sure my guy was dressed accordingly and respectfully , NEVER a dress.

Violette · 10-17-2013, 09:12 PM

First off, a big warm hug to you, Dykeumentary!! I am so sorry you have gone through all of this! Thank you for sharing your video and sparking an important discussion!

Truly, this just came up less than a week ago in my life: what to do in case of serious injury or illness? Who would be my decision maker? Who would speak up for my wishes? I need to make my wishes known, write them down, and share them.

Thankfully, our local hospital is very respectful of all families, however they may present. And you could certainly wear your boxers.

A good reminder to us all!

Oh, yeah! I like the plan of not dying, Dykeumentary!!

10-17-2013, 07:20 PM	#1
TruTexan Senior Member How Do You Identify?: lesbian butch Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Aug 2013 Location: in a one horse town in a large state, in the U.S. Posts: 3,952 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,112 Thanked 5,266 Times in 1,633 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Personally, I don't want a huge funeral. I just want to be cremated and let my ashes fly over the property that my grandparents own and that still belongs to my family members. I am butch but not male identified. I just don't care what happens to my body after I am gone. Mom knows not to put me in a dress, so do both my sisters and my cousins. I've told my mom what I wanted and told my cousins.I need to cover this with my sisters as well. I just need to get my funeral arrangements paid for to cover the cost of my ashes and stuff, this way no one can change a thing unless THEY are paying for it, and let my family members know where to find papers for my prepaid arrangements and what to do with my ashes after I am gone. I kinda think everyone should try to have some kind of plan in action thing to take care of things so their loved ones don't have to go through all that stuff. __________________

10-17-2013, 08:18 PM	#2
Scots_On_The_Rocks Member How Do You Identify?: Genderqueer Butch Preferred Pronoun?: They, them, theirs Relationship Status: Owned by a few cats, Loved by one woman, and Looked up to by one child. Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: 47° 15' 31.4208'' N, 122° 27' 57.5028'' W Posts: 759 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 364 Thanked 1,092 Times in 386 Posts Rep Power: 19759003	Seeing as how several have mentioned their after life plans, I wanted to add....that when the day come that the Universe claims my energies back, I want my body cremated and would love to have this done with my ashes: Bios Urn, and I would request a Sequoia, Mountain Huckleberry or a Pacific Madrone, and have the urn "planted" in one of my favourite places __________________ Know that The Universe made you in perfection. And know that there are people out there who recognize this. -Me "Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark." ~ Henri Frederic Amiel

10-17-2013, 09:00 PM	#4
TruTexan Senior Member How Do You Identify?: lesbian butch Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Aug 2013 Location: in a one horse town in a large state, in the U.S. Posts: 3,952 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,112 Thanked 5,266 Times in 1,633 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Just to add a thought as well............. Just to add another thought on this topic.......... If I am brain dead or need life support to breathe for me... NOT happening. I"m an Organ Donor, and my family knows this as well as it is on my driver's license in my state and should make sure of that happening. __________________

10-17-2013, 09:28 PM	#5
SleepyButch Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Dude Preferred Pronoun?: He, Him Relationship Status: Taken Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: Hidden Valley Ranch Posts: 3,511 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,220 Thanked 11,248 Times in 2,754 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Interesting questions. For me when I die, I don't think that I will care much about what I am buried in even though I would prefer to be in a nice suit. My family knows my preferences and I seriously doubt they would put me in a dress but I do understand some people don't have those kind of loved ones. I know a lot of people make burial arrangements before they ever plan to leave this earth. That would be an option. Go and talk to a funeral director. Express your wishes. Get that all set up down to what you want to wear. I personally know a funeral director who teaches students and one of the messages she is trying to convey to them is that funerals should be a celebration of the deceased's life and not just for those that are left behind. This means that if someone wants to wear a suit or a dress, that is there option. If someone wants to play heavy metal music at their funeral even if there family objects, that is what should happen. I hope that for all of our sakes that this is the way of the future. As far as being in a hospital, a lot of people feel like they lose their dignity during those times, not just Butches but everyone. People being made to wear gowns where their asses are hanging out. Having a catheter in, being poked and prodded at what seems like every second. It's never easy being sick and having to deal with this as well makes it that much worse. Being a nurse myself I would suggest to just find a nurse/someone you trust and tell her/him your wishes. Hey, I prefer to wear my boxers. Hey, I don't want all of these people around when I'm being examined. It makes me uncomfortable. It is your prerogative to ask. A lot of times, hospitals have pants that you can wear instead of those awful gowns. Ask for them. The worse that could happen is they can say no. Someone around there has to be a patient advocate. All nurses should be even though I know that's not the case. They are all concentrating on getting you over your sickness and not thinking about the fact that you might be uncomfortable. Remind them. Anyway, good luck with whatever you are going through. __________________ . You cannot embrace those things that will not embrace you back.

10-17-2013, 09:47 PM	#6
firegal Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: Don't let the gal part of my screen name fool ya I,m ALL butch! Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: Tacoma,Washington Posts: 2,907 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 15,853 Thanked 11,702 Times in 2,469 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	.... This had a a bit of humor in it but also was a reminder of planning ahead. My lil sis passed away this past February at home surrounded by her wife and me and a few loved ones. It was a reminder to me that we do need to deal with what may happen... To us.....if we choose to. If we don't the ones that are left behind will have to deal/ make the decisions. CRAP.... Gotta go quick and clean out THE drawer! Before I go to bed JUST in case! Serious I do need to plan ahead!

10-17-2013, 08:53 PM	#3
Rockinonahigh Senior Member How Do You Identify?: stone butch Preferred Pronoun?: makes no diffrence,I know who I am. Relationship Status: single,maybe looking if the right person comes along. Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: shreveport,Louisiana Posts: 4,907 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,682 Thanked 14,933 Times in 3,938 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	I don't call it "End Game" just good future planing for myself and faimly bio or other wise.Last year I had a lawyer draw a will up for my request of plands.My son James is my executor of my intire estate,he will become full parent to all my fur kids as they all have formed a huge bond.He also will inherit my full estate lock stock and smokeing barrels,if he passes before me my cousin will take over in the same way.My son knows my wishes incase I get into a veggitative state,we had many a long talk about this cause I know full well how he will fell in doing this cause we did this for my mother.I am to be creamated ,I want a amazon funierl but the law says I can have a pyree burning out in the feilds so I will follow the law to do it leagle.When it's done I have an urn I bought years ago that has the amazon symbols on it for a warrior,leader,parent.I don't wan't a funirel; I want a big party celebrateing life hear an over the bridge.

10-18-2013, 07:31 AM	#8
Anya Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Lesbian non-stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Committed to being good to myself Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: West Coast Posts: 8,258 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 39,306 Thanked 40,449 Times in 7,285 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	I agree with all the nurses who have posted. The time it becomes very difficult is when you are unconscious! The first person that noticed was my advocate and if I did not have one-I shudder to think what may have happened to me. Nurses are so busy now and have so many critical patients, my advocate noticed before medical personnel that my temp had spiked to 104. If you need you go to the hospital for any reason, even if you think it is small and that you really do not want to bother your advocate "it's only something minor, I don't want to bother them"; please do it anyway! Life can turn on a dime in the hospital and frequently does. Dykeumentary, thank you for so courageously posting your video. I will show it to my own butch. She lives in a lot of denial about potential health-related issues and it scares me. I hope your video will be the thing to spark a much-needed dialogue between us. __________________ ~Anya~ Democracy Dies in Darkness ~Washington Post "...I'm deeply concerned by recently adopted policies which punish children for their parents’ actions ... The thought that any State would seek to deter parents by inflicting such abuse on children is unconscionable." UN Human Rights commissioner

01-26-2014, 09:47 AM	#9
LexiLove Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Fierce.Lesbian.Femme.Dyke. Preferred Pronoun?: She.Her.Sweetums. Relationship Status: I have her...hoping to keep her Join Date: Oct 2013 Location: NY for now Posts: 53 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 31 Thanked 135 Times in 36 Posts Rep Power: 950353	This has nothing to do with this thread overall but even though I don't know any of you..i want you to all be healthy, happy, and live long glorious lives. The idea of losing any of you wonderful people makes me sad. Ok, just had to say that.

10-17-2013, 11:40 PM	#11
morningstar55 Senior Member How Do You Identify?: femme,she Preferred Pronoun?: she,her, Relationship Status: very single Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: western NY Posts: 3,809 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,280 Thanked 4,240 Times in 1,845 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	if I was to ever be put in the position of making my partners plans. i would make ABSOLUTELY sure my guy was dressed accordingly and respectfully , NEVER a dress. __________________ -------------------------------------------- life is to short to wake up in the morning with regrets so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who dont, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance take it... if it changes your life let it.

10-17-2013, 09:12 PM	#12
Violette Member How Do You Identify?: woman Join Date: May 2011 Location: Downtown Posts: 327 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,657 Thanked 587 Times in 127 Posts Rep Power: 5354546	First off, a big warm hug to you, Dykeumentary!! I am so sorry you have gone through all of this! Thank you for sharing your video and sparking an important discussion! Truly, this just came up less than a week ago in my life: what to do in case of serious injury or illness? Who would be my decision maker? Who would speak up for my wishes? I need to make my wishes known, write them down, and share them. Thankfully, our local hospital is very respectful of all families, however they may present. And you could certainly wear your boxers. A good reminder to us all! Oh, yeah! I like the plan of not dying, Dykeumentary!!