Jokes and things that made you laugh. - Page 13

macele · 06-18-2013, 04:58 PM

there were these 3 rabbits. put, put put, and put put put. well put got sick. so put put and put put put took put to the doctor. o it was awful, put died. put put and put put put grieved some kind of terrible. not too long after put died, put put got sick. so put put put took put put to the doctor. put put put was hopping and screaming all over that clinic! and he told the doctor, "please doctor please! don't let put put die! i've already got one put in the grave!"

Janstevie · 06-21-2013, 09:33 AM

DO NOT READ THE NEXT SENTENCE.

You little rebel. I like you.

AnnRkey · 06-21-2013, 10:50 AM

The fact that its bring your child to work day. Seeing as I have no kids, I found it quite entertaining myself and some older widow/spinster types are the only ones sitting doing work still instead of taking pics with Smokey the Bear, carrying Animal Balloons, and eating cake. LOL!

Janstevie · 06-22-2013, 06:29 PM

I couldn't believe my dad had been stealing from his job as a road worker,
although saying that, all the signs were there.

Janstevie · 08-05-2013, 01:15 PM

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Lexus's in the garage not to mention the yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim ?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Janstevie · 09-24-2013, 11:46 AM

I dont want to brag or make anyone jealous but ... i can still fit into the earrings i wore in high school.

Janstevie · 09-26-2013, 09:45 AM

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

Being the kind hearted man that I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her."

So we walked past it again.

Janstevie · 10-06-2013, 03:18 PM

'I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

Janstevie · 10-08-2013, 08:32 AM

'I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

Scots_On_The_Rocks · 10-08-2013, 09:22 AM

Things I have said to my doc:

"Round IS a shape so shut up!"

"Yeah, about that exercise thing...you see my thighs would rub together creating friction that would catch my underwear on fire, and seeing how that would be considered as arson, insurance don't cover that, so no, I won't be exercising any time soon."

Janstevie · 10-20-2013, 05:37 AM

I went down to my local supermarket and I said: "I want to make a complaint. This vinegar's got lumps in it". He said: "Those are pickled onions."

Janstevie · 11-03-2013, 09:49 AM

can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.

Cin · 11-03-2013, 11:25 AM

In an attempt to find new ways to keep guns in the hands of US citizens, various gun groups banned together to develop guns for pets. The tiny rodent rocket launcher series is very popular with the "Arms For Animals" crowd who believe, among other things, that the right to bear arms should include actual bears... as long as they are pets of course. We can't have the deer and the ducks shooting back now can we.

kittygrrl · 11-10-2013, 11:17 AM

Janstevie · 06-19-2014, 12:30 PM

Did you hear about the guy who got run over by a steam train? He was chuffed to bits.

Orema · 04-04-2017, 08:08 AM

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They wouldn't do it. It's a hardware problem.

Soft*Silver · 05-13-2017, 01:04 PM

Kätzchen · 05-13-2017, 03:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Janstevie

can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.

Your jokes are so soooooo funny, JanStevie!
Next time you're here, would you post a few more???
Please and Thank you!!

---K---

Kätzchen · 05-13-2017, 03:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Janstevie

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over
there.....", as he pointed out a distant location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded, saying, " Mister, I have the
authority of the Federal Government with me!"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge
and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go
wherever I wish.... on ANY land!! No questions asked or
answers given!! Have I made myself clear...... do you understand???"

The rancher nodded politely, apoligised and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's enormous Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that the officer would be gruesomely gored before he reached safety. The man was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge........ show him your BADGE!!!

.

And, this joke too. Omg, so SOOO funny, LOL !!
This joke made me laugh so much that I shared it with friends, years ago and just like me, they laughed until their sides hurt, lol.

---K---

Kätzchen · 04-07-2024, 10:09 AM

“If you were a vegetable you’d be a Cutecumber,” said a parent to their child.

(I heard this last week while in line at the grocery store).

10-08-2013, 09:22 AM	#250
Scots_On_The_Rocks Member How Do You Identify?: Genderqueer Butch Preferred Pronoun?: They, them, theirs Relationship Status: Owned by a few cats, Loved by one woman, and Looked up to by one child. Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: 47° 15' 31.4208'' N, 122° 27' 57.5028'' W Posts: 759 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 364 Thanked 1,092 Times in 386 Posts Rep Power: 19759003	Things I have said to my doc: "Round IS a shape so shut up!" "Yeah, about that exercise thing...you see my thighs would rub together creating friction that would catch my underwear on fire, and seeing how that would be considered as arson, insurance don't cover that, so no, I won't be exercising any time soon." __________________ Know that The Universe made you in perfection. And know that there are people out there who recognize this. -Me "Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark." ~ Henri Frederic Amiel

11-03-2013, 11:25 AM	#253
Cin Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Truly Madly Deeply Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: In My Head Posts: 2,815 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,333 Thanked 10,401 Times in 2,477 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	This pic just cracked me up and i just couldn't resist going for the long caption In an attempt to find new ways to keep guns in the hands of US citizens, various gun groups banned together to develop guns for pets. The tiny rodent rocket launcher series is very popular with the "Arms For Animals" crowd who believe, among other things, that the right to bear arms should include actual bears... as long as they are pets of course. We can't have the deer and the ducks shooting back now can we.

11-10-2013, 11:17 AM	#254
kittygrrl Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: witchy Preferred Pronoun?: gf Relationship Status: Uranus will retrograde in Gemini Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: in the wild mushrooms Posts: 9,656 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 21,706 Thanked 22,136 Times in 7,207 Posts Rep Power: 21474861	__________________ "We're nine meals from anarchy"" Lewis

05-13-2017, 01:04 PM	#257
SoftSilver Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: rose cottage Posts: 5,594 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8,948 Thanked 15,897 Times in 4,064 Posts Rep Power*: 21474857	__________________ Pole bachit, a lis chuye. The field sees, the forest hears

04-07-2024, 10:09 AM	#260
Kätzchen Member How Do You Identify?: As a very feminine woman. Join Date: May 2010 Location: Near smoke signals in the sky. Posts: 16,209 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 29,450 Thanked 33,610 Times in 10,707 Posts Rep Power: 21474868	“If you were a vegetable you’d be a Cutecumber,” said a parent to their child. (I heard this last week while in line at the grocery store). __________________ “The way someone treats you is not a reflection of your worth: It’s a reflection of their emotional capacity,” — Jillian Turecki. I’m doing my part, as an American citizen, who is concerned about losing our Democracy: I boycott agencies and businesses and service providers who do not support the US Constitution and the Bill of Rights. Support Democracy: Vote Blue

06-18-2013, 04:58 PM	#241
macele Member How Do You Identify?: a bold-assed maximus Preferred Pronoun?: she Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: mississippi Posts: 1,066 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,178 Thanked 3,230 Times in 847 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	there were these 3 rabbits. put, put put, and put put put. well put got sick. so put put and put put put took put to the doctor. o it was awful, put died. put put and put put put grieved some kind of terrible. not too long after put died, put put got sick. so put put put took put put to the doctor. put put put was hopping and screaming all over that clinic! and he told the doctor, "please doctor please! don't let put put die! i've already got one put in the grave!"

06-21-2013, 09:33 AM	#242
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	DO NOT READ THE NEXT SENTENCE. You little rebel. I like you.

06-21-2013, 10:50 AM	#243
AnnRkey Member How Do You Identify?: As Myself Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: Unknown & Known Universe Posts: 226 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 406 Thanked 420 Times in 143 Posts Rep Power: 2875677	The fact that its bring your child to work day. Seeing as I have no kids, I found it quite entertaining myself and some older widow/spinster types are the only ones sitting doing work still instead of taking pics with Smokey the Bear, carrying Animal Balloons, and eating cake. LOL!

06-22-2013, 06:29 PM	#244
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I couldn't believe my dad had been stealing from his job as a road worker, although saying that, all the signs were there.

08-05-2013, 01:15 PM	#245
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Lexus's in the garage not to mention the yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim ?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.

09-24-2013, 11:46 AM	#246
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I dont want to brag or make anyone jealous but ... i can still fit into the earrings i wore in high school.

09-26-2013, 09:45 AM	#247
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night. "Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!" Being the kind hearted man that I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her." So we walked past it again.

10-06-2013, 03:18 PM	#248
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	'I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

10-08-2013, 08:32 AM	#249
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	'I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

10-20-2013, 05:37 AM	#251
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I went down to my local supermarket and I said: "I want to make a complaint. This vinegar's got lumps in it". He said: "Those are pickled onions."

11-03-2013, 09:49 AM	#252
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.

06-19-2014, 12:30 PM	#255
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Did you hear about the guy who got run over by a steam train? He was chuffed to bits.

04-04-2017, 08:08 AM	#256
Orema Superlative Soul Sister How Do You Identify?: Lesbian stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Moving in a single file and sometimes a sinner. Join Date: Dec 2013 Location: Cottage of Content Posts: 13,683 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 41,474 Thanked 34,733 Times in 8,961 Posts Rep Power: 21474861	How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They wouldn't do it. It's a hardware problem.