Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships

[Miss Scarlett]

As we all know, abuse isn’t always physical; it has many forms but is always about power and control.

Anyone can be the victim of abuse, whether it is in a romantic/dating relationship, in their family, at work, at school, or even in a friendship. I’ve been in at least one of the above and there are others here on the site who can say the same thing.

Discussion of the warning signs is important for those who may be in an abusive or controlling relationship. But it’s also important for their friends and families because being in such a situation often makes one entrenched to the point of blindness/acceptance.

People who are on the outside looking in, who have never been there themselves, often ask “If it’s so bad why you stay?” They tell us “Just leave.” Well meaning advice but easier said than done.

So why do we stay? It’s complicated. Some reasons: financial and/or physical obstacles; emotional fragility; neediness; desperation; denial; shame; guilt; fear of being alone; threats of physical harm to you, themselves, children, other family members, friends or pets and the fear they will be carried out; threats of “blackmail” – telling friends, family, employers certain things about you; destruction of your self-esteem; wishful thinking that it will get better or they didn’t mean it/couldn’t help it/not their fault/it must be me; and “Stockholm Syndrome” – the emotional bonding with an abuser.

We can become so emotionally invested that we feel we cannot just walk away and must to see it to the very end. There is fear of being perceived as a failure – unable to have or stay in a relationship.

Children – in my job many people I encounter stay in these relationships because of the children.

Finances; especially when the abuser controls the money.

Sex can play a big role. Shattered self-esteem can convince you that no one else wants you but this person does. Or they can use it as a weapon, threatening to tell others about your sex life.

Sympathy for the abuser can develop, especially if they’ve told you sad stories from their past. And while these stories might be true, they are no excuse for their behavior which, by the way, never changes for the better; at least not for long. There can be “honeymoon” phases where everything seems really good but invariably the cycle resumes and you’re back to walking on eggshells or worse.

Isolation from family and friends; abusers want you all to themselves. Remember, this is about power and control. Any positive, supportive outside influence is a threat to them. They will do everything possible to preserve this including having you break off communication with family and friends by convincing you that these people must be avoided because they are out to destroy your relationship. This helps to reinforce the idea that we will be unable to "survive" outside the relationship.

These aren’t the only reasons we stay but I feel they are the most common.

Speaking from personal experience, you cannot leave an abusive/controlling relationship until you are ready. You leave when you feel you are strong enough to leave and not return or you have had that “Aha moment.”

[StrongButch]

Great thread I am glad to see folks talking about this. It happens more often then people think and by people that no one suspects. Abusers make excuses for their behavior and can go years undetected. Thanks for this thread.

[Girl_On_Fire]

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett

As we all know, abuse isn’t always physical; it has many forms but is always about power and control.

Anyone can be the victim of abuse, whether it is in a romantic/dating relationship, in their family, at work, at school, or even in a friendship. I’ve been in at least one of the above and there are others here on the site who can say the same thing.

Discussion of the warning signs is important for those who may be in an abusive or controlling relationship. But it’s also important for their friends and families because being in such a situation often makes one entrenched to the point of blindness/acceptance.

People who are on the outside looking in, who have never been there themselves, often ask “If it’s so bad why you stay?” They tell us “Just leave.” Well meaning advice but easier said than done.

So why do we stay? It’s complicated. Some reasons: financial and/or physical obstacles; emotional fragility; neediness; desperation; denial; shame; guilt; fear of being alone; threats of physical harm to you, themselves, children, other family members, friends or pets and the fear they will be carried out; threats of “blackmail” – telling friends, family, employers certain things about you; destruction of your self-esteem; wishful thinking that it will get better or they didn’t mean it/couldn’t help it/not their fault/it must be me; and “Stockholm Syndrome” – the emotional bonding with an abuser.

We can become so emotionally invested that we feel we cannot just walk away and must to see it to the very end. There is fear of being perceived as a failure – unable to have or stay in a relationship.

Children – in my job many people I encounter stay in these relationships because of the children.

Finances; especially when the abuser controls the money.

Sex can play a big role. Shattered self-esteem can convince you that no one else wants you but this person does. Or they can use it as a weapon, threatening to tell others about your sex life.

Sympathy for the abuser can develop, especially if they’ve told you sad stories from their past. And while these stories might be true, they are no excuse for their behavior which, by the way, never changes for the better; at least not for long. There can be “honeymoon” phases where everything seems really good but invariably the cycle resumes and you’re back to walking on eggshells or worse.

Isolation from family and friends; abusers want you all to themselves. Remember, this is about power and control. Any positive, supportive outside influence is a threat to them. They will do everything possible to preserve this including having you break off communication with family and friends by convincing you that these people must be avoided because they are out to destroy your relationship. This helps to reinforce the idea that we will be unable to "survive" outside the relationship.

These aren’t the only reasons we stay but I feel they are the most common.

Speaking from personal experience, you cannot leave an abusive/controlling relationship until you are ready. You leave when you feel you are strong enough to leave and not return or you have had that “Aha moment.”

Yes. Everything you just said here. Yes.

And what others have said about abusers having a talent for misdirection and being able to "hone in" on those who are naive, trusting, and inexperienced. It does help me to read these words as I'm sure it does others. I'm so glad this thread is moving in a positive, healing, educational direction. Thank you to everyone who helped me steer it that way.

I also want to add that it's important to talk about abuse against butches, male-identified butches, and transgender folks as this is often highly overlooked. It can be very difficult to get authorities and sometimes even friends and family to believe that the abuse is occurring in this way because of preconceived societal gender roles. I think this is especially true in the case of one partner (let's say the femme) is pushing every single solitary button on the other partner (let's say a trans guy) that when hy finally does explode and verbally defend hymself, hy's seen as or treated as the abuser.

Everybody has their breaking point and verbal abusers are very VERY adept at hitting long-buried triggers and making their targets speak or behave in ways completely out of character for them in a normal, healthy setting. It reminds me of a bully sitting in back of you in class and poking you with the lead of a pencil 20 times. When you finally turn around and blow up at them, you're the one sent to the principal's office. It's a truly sick 'talent'.

[WingsOnFire]

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett

We can become so emotionally invested that we feel we cannot just walk away and must to see it to the very end.

Sympathy for the abuser can develop, especially if they’ve told you sad stories from their past. And while these stories might be true, they are no excuse for their behavior which, by the way, never changes for the better; at least not for long. There can be “honeymoon” phases where everything seems really good but invariably the cycle resumes and you’re back to walking on eggshells or worse.

both of these clips ring true for me and past abusive relationships. I tend to be a fixer. I get so emotionally wrapped up in the person that I struggle to walk away even when emotionally and sometimes physically unhealthy for me. I spent 10 years in an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship only to be left with the debt of a house that I am still affected by even though I foreclosed on it and walked away 2 years ago. That relationship affected me for atleast 8 years after and I still struggle with valuing my own self worth in some situations even at work.

I'm working through that and have had the benefits of two wonderful therapists in both Missouri and in Oregon. Therapy is important to work through what happened and get back on the right track making sure not to fall back into the same unhealthy habits.

Sometimes we meet people at the wrong point in our lives and no matter how hard we try it doesn't work out in the end.

I would like to also say that it is possible to be in an abusive relationship that is not necessarily with an abusive person but circumstances cause abusive behaviour. Either day it is not healthy.

[CherylNYC]

I hope it isn't too far off topic for me to congratulate myself for recognising the warning signs and getting out of a recent emotionally abusive dating situation relatively quickly. While I wish I had gotten out even faster, I keep reminding myself that I haven't been nearly as savvy about reading the signs in the past. Had I met this abusive personality in the past I'm certain I would have stuck around a lot longer.

I only had one emotionally abusive adult relationship in my past. I was much younger then, and I stayed with her for eight years! When I look back at that situation, I have to admit that I knew it was wrong many years before I left. I stayed with her partly because I had never been in a committed partnership before, and I didn't want to have failed. Whenever I feel tempted to give myself a hard time for staying with someone who treated me badly I just say to myself the same thing that I say to my friends who have struggled to leave emotional abusers. "It must have felt like home." Yup. It sure did.

My most recent experience was an eye opener for me because I've never felt physically unsafe in a dating situation with a woman before. I feel as if I dodged a bullet by getting out quickly, but I have deep concerns for her new girlfriend!

[JustLovelyJenn]

When I opened this thread, I didn't expect it to hit me as hard as it did. I dealt with all of this a long time ago, and I am usually pretty good about taking a deep breath and moving forward...

... That being said...

... I was married to a very abusive person. He never hit me, never physically intimidated me in any way. In obvious ways he wasnt even really verbally abusive, we got in fights, but I was very good at yelling back. But he was extrememly emotionally abusive. I didn't see it at first, I didn't understand how much I was withdrawing, or how much I was affected. As I processed everything after the fact, I found things that I always thought I would see...

• He was extremely determined to get things his way. He even asked me to marry him every day for a month before I agreed.
  
• He was very quick to point out his needs and insist on having them filled.
  
• Things I needed or wanted could be explained away, there wasnt enough time, or money, or whatever... it could wait for now.

These things were there very early on. Things I just said ok to. Compromised about, and they just continued to grow. Until I was isolated from friends, without general needs such as new underware or bras, or even clothes that fit. I didn't thnk they were important in the beginning. It was easy enough to just give in to those little demands.

Now, my ex is in a new relationship, with a new woman, who just had a baby... and I am seeing the same things begin to develop. I guess watching it happen again has made it all feel a little fresh in my mind.

[pajama]

Originally Posted by TruTexan

Someone who cries victim a lot is sometimes the abuser. Huge Red Flag. The rest of the red flags, there's just so many that are so different.

Originally Posted by always2late

I think that the most insidious form of abuse is the one that is not overt, because it is seldom recognized AS abuse while it is occurring. Emotional manipulation, threats of self-harm or suicide, the abuser claiming that they are being victimized or even claiming to suffer some form of abuse at the hands of the person they are abusing....these can often be overlooked as the truly abusive acts that they are...and can be more damaging because they are, at times, tolerated or excused for far longer than physical abuse would be.

Originally Posted by JustLovelyJenn

• He was extremely determined to get things his way. He even asked me to marry him every day for a month before I agreed.
  
• He was very quick to point out his needs and insist on having them filled.
  
• Things I needed or wanted could be explained away, there wasnt enough time, or money, or whatever... it could wait for now.

I came in here to read and learn. I have been blessed to never have been in an abusive relationship. In my 20s I would say I was the abuser, for the above reasons. Traits I learned from a lifetime of watching my aunt abuse my Mother and our family is such ways. I'm glad others on here were able to point out better than I, this form of manipulation and control IS ABUSE!

Peace to all of you and thank you for sharing your stories and insights.
A

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by pajama

I came in here to read and learn. I have been blessed to never have been in an abusive relationship. In my 20s I would say I was the abuser, for the above reasons. Traits I learned from a lifetime of watching my aunt abuse my Mother and our family is such ways. I'm glad others on here were able to point out better than I, this form of manipulation and control IS ABUSE!

Peace to all of you and thank you for sharing your stories and insights.
A

It takes a strong person to change these behaviours congrats for doing so

[WingsOnFire]

Originally Posted by Teddybear

It takes a strong person to change these behaviours congrats for doing so

I wanted to commend you as well Pajama... It does take a strong person to first admit it and also to take the steps to fix it

[Soft*Silver]

I am going to premise what i am about to say with the following:
not every alcoholic/addict is abusive
not every abuser is an alcoholic/addict


but....

many situations/relationships that are abusive often have alcohol or other addictions within them.

I spoke at a convention and again at a professional workshop on alcohol involvement in DV relationships. Not only can it be with the abuser, but also with the victim.

I know personally, when i was engaged to a fella many many years ago, I stayed in that horribly abusive relationship because it was safer for me to deal with it, than to confront my sexuality. To cope with the violence, and the closet, I drank. It was perfectly accepted because it helped him with his addiction, which also fueled his anger issues. we were a dysfunctional symbiotic pair where you couldn't tell who was the host and who was the parasite because at different angles, it looked like the other was to blame.


It took everything in me to break it off with him, quit drinking and come out of the closet.

I was pretty healthy for a long time and then a few decades later, I decided to do the almost exact same thing all over again.

Flash ahead many years and lots of therapy and AA meetings... My DV issues and PTSD are checked, and My spirituality is in gear.

I work hard at myself. I learned the hard way, recovering from abuse doesnt end, even when you cant feel it anymore. If you dont work at it FOREVER, you repeat it.

[RockOn]

Soft*Silver,
Hooray for you for empowering yourself and getting you back. I loved reading your post where you stated you were able to turn it around. Back in the late 80s, turning that corner was the hardest thing I'd ever attempted in my life but after I put the beer down and got a good firm hold, all I could see was 6 lanes of wide open, clean freeway ahead. No more ruddy pig trails. Easy to get lost going down those paths and pretty scary sometimes too. I am talking about some of the people I came into contact with.

Yes, it takes a great deal of work untangling some of the totally wrecked emotions and nothing happened overnight but so worth all the work. I am far from perfect today and issues will always arise now and then but my life is a bazillion times better than before recovery.

Thanks a whole lot for sharing with us.
Best wishes

[WingsOnFire]

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett

We can become so emotionally invested that we feel we cannot just walk away and must to see it to the very end.

Sympathy for the abuser can develop, especially if they’ve told you sad stories from their past. And while these stories might be true, they are no excuse for their behavior which, by the way, never changes for the better; at least not for long. There can be “honeymoon” phases where everything seems really good but invariably the cycle resumes and you’re back to walking on eggshells or worse.

both of these clips ring true for me and past abusive relationships. I tend to be a fixer. I get so emotionally wrapped up in the person that I struggle to walk away even when emotionally and sometimes physically unhealthy for me. I spent 10 years in an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship only to be left with the debt of a house that I am still affected by even though I foreclosed on it and walked away 2 years ago. That relationship affected me for atleast 8 years after and I still struggle because I don't value my self worth enough to not let it happen again.

I'm working through that and have had the benefits of two wonderful therapists in both Missouri and in Oregon. Therapy is important to work through what happened and get back on the right track. Unfortunately having only been in 5 relationships in 18 years I sometimes still forget to put myself first and value my self worth more than the other person.

Sometimes we meet people at the wrong point in our lives and no matter how hard we try it doesn't work out in the end.

I would like to also say that it is possible to be in an abusive relationship that is not necessarily with an abusive person but circumstances cause abusive behaviour. Either day it is not healthy.