Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships

RockOn · 12-09-2013, 11:23 PM

Soft*Silver,
Hooray for you for empowering yourself and getting you back. I loved reading your post where you stated you were able to turn it around. Back in the late 80s, turning that corner was the hardest thing I'd ever attempted in my life but after I put the beer down and got a good firm hold, all I could see was 6 lanes of wide open, clean freeway ahead. No more ruddy pig trails. Easy to get lost going down those paths and pretty scary sometimes too. I am talking about some of the people I came into contact with.

Yes, it takes a great deal of work untangling some of the totally wrecked emotions and nothing happened overnight but so worth all the work. I am far from perfect today and issues will always arise now and then but my life is a bazillion times better than before recovery.

Thanks a whole lot for sharing with us.
Best wishes

Rockinonahigh · 12-10-2013, 05:08 AM

I was married to my X for several years at this point he hadn't shown any kind of abuse,one day we were packing the trailer to go to a horse show when I didn't agree with something he said then out of the blue he threw a heavy glass mug at me.I got out of the way so he missed,he got even more mad and came after me wich was the wrong thing to do cause I stepped up and and popped him right in the mouth as hard as I could dropping him like an felled ox.He was drinking beer but wasn't drunk he only had a couple at that point,I took him to the doctor to see about the bloody nose he had cause he was bleeding pretty bad,turned out I broke his nose when I hit him defending myself.I told the doctor what happened,he reported it to the police.When they picked him up at the doctors' office he swore he didn't remember what happened , I filed charges cause I wasn't going to let him get away with it.The courts ended up calling it a domestic dispute so he got 90 days in the parish jail,while he was there he had to go through anger management (didn't do any good) by time he got out I already had divorce papers served to him.All I wanted was no contest just get the "F" out of my life no spousal support, just go.Fast forward a year,I had gone on one of my long horse show runs,when I came back my mother had moved him back into her home cause she felt sorry for him.this was a move she would be sorry for cause he did the same thing to her a few months later.This time my son was home on leave,I was changing clothes when he wen't nuts kicked moms bedroom door open then started on her screaming and hitting her(she was 70 at the time) It took both me and my son to get him off her wrestling him to the floor.Again he was
doing time but for a longer time of 5 years.When I finely got her to file charges and we both got an order of protection from the courts,mom didn't want to file charges cause she didn't want anyone to know what happened but finely she saw reason and did file charges.I know he got out on good behavior along with an early release program,I have no idea where he is and don't want to know...last I herd he moved out of state.good riddence is all I can say.

LoyalWolfsBlade · 12-10-2013, 07:55 AM

I have been in a couple of abusive relationships in my past. Relationships I do not usually talk about outside of the trauma work I have done on them.
I have also witnessed abuse by others and a lot of the warning signs mentioned can be applied across the board when it comes to DV; straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, ect ect men, women, MtF, FtM, ect ect even vanilla and BDSM folks dominant, submissive, ect ect ect each can be an abuser and/or victim.
One thing I always had to keep in mind was while there were warning signs that could be applied across the board there are some that are specific to that person whomever they are.
If you ever fear for your life in any way for any reason no matter who you are you are most likely in an abusive relationship. This was always the hardest warning sign for me to swallow and to acknowledge that I felt whenever I felt it in the past. A lot of that has to do with the myths mentioned in some earlier posts about male or masculine identities and what society and sometimes our own families can teach us about pride and self worth. I know for me as a FtM it was always hard if not impossible to admit when I was being abused especially if it involved physical abuse or I feared for my life. I always felt "less then" at these times which would be why reporting the abuse did not happen, seeking help in the DV community did not happen, and I think was the one thing that always played into the going back to them over and over even when I knew better.
Still though that is the one behavior of mine that I will never understand no matter how much therapy I have around the trauma why did I always go back over and over even times asking them back hell begging them to come back. It is a red flag or for me it is especially when added to the other ones mentioned.
My biggest advice is listen to the people that know you and better yet if you are in therapy listen to your therapist if they suggest you examine something...examine it.
Also for the guys out there she doesn't have to hit you for you to fear for your life.
Kuddos to everyone that has posted either about recognizing their warning signs or changing their behavior. Both are big...

*Anya* · 12-10-2013, 08:01 AM

Rockin' I am so glad that neither you or your mom were seriously hurt, or with permanent physical injuries. I can't imagine the emotional cost of the experience for either of you.

There is the peculiar phenomenon of some parents/family not believing the abused woman, or even worse, continuing to have a relationship with the abuser; after we, the abused, finally get out from the physical, verbal or emotional abuse.

My parents just refused to believe that the polite, handsome young man who was my husband, would ever hit me. On one hand, there was the refusal to support me emotionally, in any way and on the other, they would even invite him over for dinner or parties but not me.

That was one of the hardest things to take.

My father would say to me: "You are pretty mouthy and probably talked back to him, we had the same problem with you".

The final, painful, but very clear message message was:

He didn't think my ex was an abuser but... if he did: I probably deserved it.

Rockinonahigh · 12-10-2013, 12:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Anya*

Rockin' I am so glad that neither you or your mom were seriously hurt, or with permanent physical injuries. I can't imagine the emotional cost of the experience for either of you.

There is the peculiar phenomenon of some parents/family not believing the abused woman, or even worse, continuing to have a relationship with the abuser; after we, the abused, finally get out from the physical, verbal or emotional abuse.

My parents just refused to believe that the polite, handsome young man who was my husband, would ever hit me. On one hand, there was the refusal to support me emotionally, in any way and on the other, they would even invite him over for dinner or parties but not me.

That was one of the hardest things to take.

My father would say to me: "You are pretty mouthy and probably talked back to him, we had the same problem with you".

The final, painful, but very clear message message was:

He didn't think my ex was an abuser but... if he did: I probably deserved it.

What surprises me is that mom just wouldn't press charges at first,she had always been one of the most possitive women I knew,for he to just say "let it be" was so off the wall I was taken by surprise.One of my aunts said in it was common for men to rule over women in her generation that it was a common for this to happen in families for this to happen,I never could understand it.
My X should have known better to have started on me with his crap knowing I would not just take it then walk away,come to find out his father did the same thing to his wife and kids.What I just don't get was they thought the guy hung the moon no matter what he did.I told my X very early on if he ever laid a hand on me in anger he was a dead man cause I would fight him till my last breath,I don't start fights but if people insist in this I sure will finish it defending myself.Another thing I know is it has only been somewhat recent that a woman could defend her self against abuse or end up killing someone in self defence with out ending up in jail,i'm glad things are difrent now.

Soft*Silver · 12-10-2013, 12:47 PM

boy, did I feel a gut reaction reading Anya's father's words..."You are pretty mouthy and probably talked back to him, we had the same problem with you".

I cant tell you how many times I have heard those words. Yes, I am a fiesty wild mouth bitch if you get my dander up...but nothing deserves a slap in the face, a shove, a fist, a hair pulling, a pummeling. You dont like what I say? FUCKING WALK AWAY OR LEAVE.

Saying it, is far more easier than doing it. The relationship is based on dysfunction so doing something smart or self preserving, well, probably wont happen alot..not until you really do walk away.

Soft*Silver · 12-10-2013, 01:06 PM

you asked for signs...

a remarkable sign that most people miss, or disregard, is their account of their exes. If every ex did him/her wrong (I am going to use the pronoun HE for the abuser from this point on...but as was already said, SHE can be the abuser as well), was a dog; screwed everyone; ran to someone else; didnt take care of the house, the kids; was mouthy and disrespected him in front of his family and friends; etc....if the exes were ALWAYS the problem, we have transference going on here.

There is relatively new theory of transference called AMT...Abusive Multiple Transference, where the abuser not only transfer negative feelings of their abuser to their victims, but also transfers the power and dominance of their own abuser to themselves.*

In simple-ese?
... if the abuser felt they were always shit on, they will always believe they will get shit on, and they themselves will also always shit on others....

(*I found a really good explaination of transference and projection that relates it to domestic violence! http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_tr...ection#slide72)

Words · 12-10-2013, 01:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soft*Silver

If every ex did him/her wrong (I am going to use the pronoun HE for the abuser from this point on...but as was already said, SHE can be the abuser as well),

Sorry, but I have a bit of an issue with this. Why use 'he'? Given that this is a queer website and that the majority of the members here identify as women, wouldn't 'she' be more appropriate (or, better still, the non-gender specific 'they')?

I appreciate that this probably wasn't your intention, but it just feels to me like men, butches, and FtMs always get a bid of a raw deal when it comes to the language we default to when discussing abuse.

Words

The_Lady_Snow · 12-10-2013, 02:13 PM

AABL: Advocates for Abused and Battered Lesbians: An excellent resource for battered lesbians.

Equality Colorado: Advocacy services available 24 hours a day for GLBT victims of crime: hate
crimes, domestic violence, sexual assault,and random violence

Rainbow Coalition Against DomesticViolence: Describes the dynamics of domestic violence, and includes the power and control wheel for same-sex couples.

Community United Against Violence Same Sex DV Bibliography: A list of recommended reading regarding same-sex domestic violence.

Annual Report on Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgendered Domestic Violence: A report from the Department of Justice regarding same-sex domestic violence.

Domestic Violence in Lesbian Relationships: A page devoted to lesbian victims of domestic violence.

Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project: Providing community education and direct services to gay,
bisexual, and transgendered male victims and survivors of domestic violence.

LAMBDA Gay & Lesbian Anti-Violence Project: : Lambda's pages about same-sex domestic violence.

What Recovering Batterers Want You To Know About Abuse and Violence: Good information about their behavior from recovering batterers.

Wolf-Island: A Magical and Protected Place: Support for gay male victims of domestic violence. Includes poetry, music, bibliography, personal stories and links.

DOVES: Gay and Lesbian Battering: Services for same sex victims of domestic violence. Shelter, counseling, support and legal assistance. Spanish speaking staff available.

Bard · 12-10-2013, 01:10 PM

when I was young and in my fist lesbian relationship it was abusive not at first but when she drank well it got bad started when she thought I was cheating on her she punched me in the nose breaking it then slammed me on the ground stomping on my hand saying she would be sure I never touched another woman. eventually I caught her her cheating and a fight ensued with me and the other girl to separate us Trish kicked me in the temple as we wrestled on the ground I have been told my eyes rolled back in my head. but we got back together a few months later we were back together for 2 weeks when she came to pick me up after work and she had been drinking I tried to take the keys but all the while I was thinking she is going to brake my nose again long story short I did not get in the car with her that night and she ended up getting into a accident and dieing I swore no one would ever hit me again I had enough of that as a child it took me a long time to not feel guilty that perhaps I caused her anger I had to see that I was worth being loved for me and that not everyone was going to leave me when I made ME whole I found my love and was able to say .. it was NOT my fault .. yes I have a temper yes I am a mouthy ass but I deserve to be treated well and to be loved loved like I am with desd

12-10-2013, 07:55 AM	#3
LoyalWolfsBlade Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Pre-Op FtM, Preferred Pronoun?: Masculine ones plz Relationship Status: Single but haven't given up on finding the One Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: I gaze upon the same moon as you do Posts: 3,827 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,214 Thanked 9,646 Times in 3,123 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I have been in a couple of abusive relationships in my past. Relationships I do not usually talk about outside of the trauma work I have done on them. I have also witnessed abuse by others and a lot of the warning signs mentioned can be applied across the board when it comes to DV; straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, ect ect men, women, MtF, FtM, ect ect even vanilla and BDSM folks dominant, submissive, ect ect ect each can be an abuser and/or victim. One thing I always had to keep in mind was while there were warning signs that could be applied across the board there are some that are specific to that person whomever they are. If you ever fear for your life in any way for any reason no matter who you are you are most likely in an abusive relationship. This was always the hardest warning sign for me to swallow and to acknowledge that I felt whenever I felt it in the past. A lot of that has to do with the myths mentioned in some earlier posts about male or masculine identities and what society and sometimes our own families can teach us about pride and self worth. I know for me as a FtM it was always hard if not impossible to admit when I was being abused especially if it involved physical abuse or I feared for my life. I always felt "less then" at these times which would be why reporting the abuse did not happen, seeking help in the DV community did not happen, and I think was the one thing that always played into the going back to them over and over even when I knew better. Still though that is the one behavior of mine that I will never understand no matter how much therapy I have around the trauma why did I always go back over and over even times asking them back hell begging them to come back. It is a red flag or for me it is especially when added to the other ones mentioned. My biggest advice is listen to the people that know you and better yet if you are in therapy listen to your therapist if they suggest you examine something...examine it. Also for the guys out there she doesn't have to hit you for you to fear for your life. Kuddos to everyone that has posted either about recognizing their warning signs or changing their behavior. Both are big... __________________ Life should never be stagnant hence my quest for new knowledge will continue until my last breath. Wolf

12-10-2013, 08:01 AM	#4
Anya Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Lesbian non-stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Committed to being good to myself Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: West Coast Posts: 8,258 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 39,306 Thanked 40,457 Times in 7,284 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	Rockin' I am so glad that neither you or your mom were seriously hurt, or with permanent physical injuries. I can't imagine the emotional cost of the experience for either of you. There is the peculiar phenomenon of some parents/family not believing the abused woman, or even worse, continuing to have a relationship with the abuser; after we, the abused, finally get out from the physical, verbal or emotional abuse. My parents just refused to believe that the polite, handsome young man who was my husband, would ever hit me. On one hand, there was the refusal to support me emotionally, in any way and on the other, they would even invite him over for dinner or parties but not me. That was one of the hardest things to take. My father would say to me: "You are pretty mouthy and probably talked back to him, we had the same problem with you". The final, painful, but very clear message message was: He didn't think my ex was an abuser but... if he did: I probably deserved it. __________________ ~Anya~ Democracy Dies in Darkness ~Washington Post "...I'm deeply concerned by recently adopted policies which punish children for their parents’ actions ... The thought that any State would seek to deter parents by inflicting such abuse on children is unconscionable." UN Human Rights commissioner

12-10-2013, 12:47 PM	#6
SoftSilver Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: rose cottage Posts: 5,592 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8,948 Thanked 15,906 Times in 4,062 Posts Rep Power*: 21474857	boy, did I feel a gut reaction reading Anya's father's words..."You are pretty mouthy and probably talked back to him, we had the same problem with you". I cant tell you how many times I have heard those words. Yes, I am a fiesty wild mouth bitch if you get my dander up...but nothing deserves a slap in the face, a shove, a fist, a hair pulling, a pummeling. You dont like what I say? FUCKING WALK AWAY OR LEAVE. Saying it, is far more easier than doing it. The relationship is based on dysfunction so doing something smart or self preserving, well, probably wont happen alot..not until you really do walk away. __________________ Pole bachit, a lis chuye. The field sees, the forest hears

12-10-2013, 01:06 PM	#7
SoftSilver Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: rose cottage Posts: 5,592 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8,948 Thanked 15,906 Times in 4,062 Posts Rep Power*: 21474857	you asked for signs... a remarkable sign that most people miss, or disregard, is their account of their exes. If every ex did him/her wrong (I am going to use the pronoun HE for the abuser from this point on...but as was already said, SHE can be the abuser as well), was a dog; screwed everyone; ran to someone else; didnt take care of the house, the kids; was mouthy and disrespected him in front of his family and friends; etc....if the exes were ALWAYS the problem, we have transference going on here. There is relatively new theory of transference called AMT...Abusive Multiple Transference, where the abuser not only transfer negative feelings of their abuser to their victims, but also transfers the power and dominance of their own abuser to themselves.* In simple-ese? ... if the abuser felt they were always shit on, they will always believe they will get shit on, and they themselves will also always shit on others.... (*I found a really good explaination of transference and projection that relates it to domestic violence! http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_tr...ection#slide72) __________________ Pole bachit, a lis chuye. The field sees, the forest hears

12-10-2013, 02:13 PM	#9
The_Lady_Snow MILLION $$$ PUSSY How Do You Identify?: Kinky, Raw, Perverted, Uber Queer Alpha Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Iconic Ms. Relationship Status: Keeper of 3, only one has the map to my freckles Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: La Reina del Sur Posts: 22,488 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 32,231 Thanked 80,080 Times in 15,669 Posts Rep Power: 21474874	Resources AABL: Advocates for Abused and Battered Lesbians: An excellent resource for battered lesbians. Equality Colorado: Advocacy services available 24 hours a day for GLBT victims of crime: hate crimes, domestic violence, sexual assault,and random violence Rainbow Coalition Against DomesticViolence: Describes the dynamics of domestic violence, and includes the power and control wheel for same-sex couples. Community United Against Violence Same Sex DV Bibliography: A list of recommended reading regarding same-sex domestic violence. Annual Report on Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgendered Domestic Violence: A report from the Department of Justice regarding same-sex domestic violence. Domestic Violence in Lesbian Relationships: A page devoted to lesbian victims of domestic violence. Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project: Providing community education and direct services to gay, bisexual, and transgendered male victims and survivors of domestic violence. LAMBDA Gay & Lesbian Anti-Violence Project: : Lambda's pages about same-sex domestic violence. What Recovering Batterers Want You To Know About Abuse and Violence: Good information about their behavior from recovering batterers. Wolf-Island: A Magical and Protected Place: Support for gay male victims of domestic violence. Includes poetry, music, bibliography, personal stories and links. DOVES: Gay and Lesbian Battering: Services for same sex victims of domestic violence. Shelter, counseling, support and legal assistance. Spanish speaking staff available. __________________ "If you’re going to play these dirty games of ours, then you might as well indulge completely. It’s all about turning back into an animal and that’s the beauty of it. Place your guilt on the sidewalk and take a blow torch to it (guilt is usually worthless anyway). Be perverted, be filthy, do things that mannered people shouldn’t do. If you’re going to be gross then go for it and don’t wimp out."---Master Aiden

12-09-2013, 11:23 PM	#1
RockOn Senior Member How Do You Identify?: sitting over there ----->>>>> :) Preferred Pronoun?: .... Relationship Status: .... Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: .... Posts: 3,522 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,081 Thanked 10,304 Times in 2,610 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	Soft*Silver, Hooray for you for empowering yourself and getting you back. I loved reading your post where you stated you were able to turn it around. Back in the late 80s, turning that corner was the hardest thing I'd ever attempted in my life but after I put the beer down and got a good firm hold, all I could see was 6 lanes of wide open, clean freeway ahead. No more ruddy pig trails. Easy to get lost going down those paths and pretty scary sometimes too. I am talking about some of the people I came into contact with. Yes, it takes a great deal of work untangling some of the totally wrecked emotions and nothing happened overnight but so worth all the work. I am far from perfect today and issues will always arise now and then but my life is a bazillion times better than before recovery. Thanks a whole lot for sharing with us. Best wishes

12-10-2013, 05:08 AM	#2
Rockinonahigh Senior Member How Do You Identify?: stone butch Preferred Pronoun?: makes no diffrence,I know who I am. Relationship Status: single,maybe looking if the right person comes along. Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: shreveport,Louisiana Posts: 4,907 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,682 Thanked 14,933 Times in 3,938 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	I was married to my X for several years at this point he hadn't shown any kind of abuse,one day we were packing the trailer to go to a horse show when I didn't agree with something he said then out of the blue he threw a heavy glass mug at me.I got out of the way so he missed,he got even more mad and came after me wich was the wrong thing to do cause I stepped up and and popped him right in the mouth as hard as I could dropping him like an felled ox.He was drinking beer but wasn't drunk he only had a couple at that point,I took him to the doctor to see about the bloody nose he had cause he was bleeding pretty bad,turned out I broke his nose when I hit him defending myself.I told the doctor what happened,he reported it to the police.When they picked him up at the doctors' office he swore he didn't remember what happened , I filed charges cause I wasn't going to let him get away with it.The courts ended up calling it a domestic dispute so he got 90 days in the parish jail,while he was there he had to go through anger management (didn't do any good) by time he got out I already had divorce papers served to him.All I wanted was no contest just get the "F" out of my life no spousal support, just go.Fast forward a year,I had gone on one of my long horse show runs,when I came back my mother had moved him back into her home cause she felt sorry for him.this was a move she would be sorry for cause he did the same thing to her a few months later.This time my son was home on leave,I was changing clothes when he wen't nuts kicked moms bedroom door open then started on her screaming and hitting her(she was 70 at the time) It took both me and my son to get him off her wrestling him to the floor.Again he was doing time but for a longer time of 5 years.When I finely got her to file charges and we both got an order of protection from the courts,mom didn't want to file charges cause she didn't want anyone to know what happened but finely she saw reason and did file charges.I know he got out on good behavior along with an early release program,I have no idea where he is and don't want to know...last I herd he moved out of state.good riddence is all I can say.

12-10-2013, 01:10 PM	#10
Bard Family Man How Do You Identify?: TG Male Preferred Pronoun?: Masculine ones Relationship Status: She just gets me Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: ..... Posts: 2,828 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,997 Thanked 12,786 Times in 2,431 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	when I was young and in my fist lesbian relationship it was abusive not at first but when she drank well it got bad started when she thought I was cheating on her she punched me in the nose breaking it then slammed me on the ground stomping on my hand saying she would be sure I never touched another woman. eventually I caught her her cheating and a fight ensued with me and the other girl to separate us Trish kicked me in the temple as we wrestled on the ground I have been told my eyes rolled back in my head. but we got back together a few months later we were back together for 2 weeks when she came to pick me up after work and she had been drinking I tried to take the keys but all the while I was thinking she is going to brake my nose again long story short I did not get in the car with her that night and she ended up getting into a accident and dieing I swore no one would ever hit me again I had enough of that as a child it took me a long time to not feel guilty that perhaps I caused her anger I had to see that I was worth being loved for me and that not everyone was going to leave me when I made ME whole I found my love and was able to say .. it was NOT my fault .. yes I have a temper yes I am a mouthy ass but I deserve to be treated well and to be loved loved like I am with desd __________________ This is ten percent luck, twenty percent skill Fifteen percent concentrated power of will Five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain And a hundred percent reason to remember the name! Give yourself over to absolute pleasure. Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh - erotic nightmares beyond any measure, and sensual daydreams to treasure forever. Can't you just see it? Don't dream it, be it.