Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships

[Girl_On_Fire]

Originally Posted by gotoseagrl

Yikes, this is a lot to read. This is so touchy, and not easy for me to step forward with. But I felt the need to say something. I wanted to address emotional/psychological aspect of abuse specifically. The kind that is harder to see from the outside because the wounds & scars are all internal and behind closed doors. The worst kind is sometimes that which develops over time, and has a subtlety to it that is hard to describe. It can keep you in a constant state of severe confusion, even after it's over. Sometimes this can be the most difficult to fully recognize, escape & recover from. It might take you 10+ times trying. That alone is a big sign.

Everyone's situation, limitations & ability to cope & be healthy before something becomes abusive to that particular person, varies. Things I have learned to be possible warning signs, speaking from a combination of personal experience, observation of others, and research (I am making up the examples):

- A lot of times things are amazing in the beginning. But that's only the good side of the passion. Little hostilities start to happen, sometimes very small ... such as "You were away 3 hours instead of 2?" At first it might seem like a really small discrepancy, *but it doesn't sit right with you*. You feel a heavy, negative feeling inside. But your connection with this person is otherwise amazing & you already formed the attachment. So, it passes & you move on.

- Questioning becomes more intense. "Where were you? What were you doing? With who? Why that person? What did they say?" or "You went to the store? Why at this hour? What did you get? What are you going to do with it? But you never usually get that kind." Excessive questioning & speculation feels more like probing than just normal conversation or curiosity. You end up dreading going anywhere or doing anything because you know 20 questions will immediately follow.

- You start having arguments or fights. They are emotionally vicious. That person might not use foul language or even raise a voice. But what they say or ask (and usually repeatedly) feels like a cut from a knife. You notice you are always having to feel defensive whenever there is a conflict. And then you feel extremely hurt after. If you already had trust issues, it might take you a significant amount of time to even be able to bring yourself close to them again. So, you start to really dread having conflicts - or even conversations that could potentially lead to a conflict - with this person, because you know how it will go, how bad it will hurt, how high your anxiety/stress levels will rise.

- You might start to notice that after having such an intense relationship with this person, and a formed emotional dependency, that you start to develop some of their same bad habits. Such as wondering where they are after so many hours, why they are doing x,y,z ... etc. You start questioning a lot yourself.

- You start feeling overwhelmingly that the conflicts & super high stress levels are way too frequent, way too extreme & way too repetitive. You start feeling the need to leave and break it off. You might even do that. But you might either always end up going back - after a lot of harassment and persuasion - or you can't find the courage to actually leave because in your mind & heart you desperately try to rationalize by clinging to the good moments & good qualities of this person. Those little bits are all you have to hang onto in order to survive a lot of times. Memories that come & go quickly, future fantasies (the life you two have planned out), not-yet-fulfilled promises, unachieved goals. Those become like your air to breathe.

There is so, so much I can say. But to try to sum it up, it might be wise to keep in mind that any of the following could possibly indicate that something is wrong:

- If you have any old relationships to compare this one to, think about it. Were the old ones generally pretty good & felt "normal", even if they didn't work out for some non-abusive reason ... did not damage or decrease your health?

- In the relationship, do you notice you do or say or feel things that you know you normally don't with others, or didn't in past relationships? Do you feel the conflicts bring out behaviors in you that aren't healthy or weren't there before? Do they bring out the worst in you? This can only contribute to the cycle of abuse. And your partner can also use these weaknesses of yours against you, which also fuels the cycle.

- Do the conflicts *always* (99.9% of the time) have the same cycle: let's say something has hurt you, you either withdraw from fear & avoid confrontation, or you get the courage to bring it up to your partner. An argument starts because your partner, of course, disagrees/denies/minimizes your feelings. You react, you are upset. They use your reaction against you and quickly assume the victim role. And if they have any kind of reaction of their own, that gets blamed on you too.

** I'd like to note here that sometimes the type of person who tries to claim they are always the calm one, they rarely call you names, etc... this can be one of the most long-lasting abusive tactics, because this person can & will always try to use this as a weapon ... as a reason to prosecute you for any real true emotional reactions you have to the pain. They will always say you are the one overreacting, you are the irrational one, always question why you
are so upset, etc. And that in turn makes you even more upset and/or need to withdraw. It can be a true mind game.

- Do they build you up and then break you down in a contradicting way? When things are fine and on their terms, they might acknowledge that they know you'd never do x,y,z or that you're not that type of person, that they trust you 100% ... that it's just "old relationship baggage" (which no one should have to eternally suffer for). But as soon as the switch flips, they are accusing you of that very thing, calling you out of your character. Or if you did find the courage to leave, do they say and do anything to try to come after you, tear you down, attack, suffocate, harass, violate you? But you know if you gave into them, 5 minutes later they'd be telling you how much they love you & you're the only one for them, how they only want what's best for you (which is always them, according to them) etc. This is like *conditional* "love", where you will only be truly "loved" if you agree to what their primary need is (which is their attachment to you), otherwise you are unfaithful, dishonest, sleezy, a fake, heartless, etc. etc. etc. anything else they can think of that is the furthest from true.

- When it comes to important things, always saying they will, yet rarely ever actually do. Lack of consistency.

- Do they use parts of your own most personal, sensitive past against you, as a weapon when you are fighting or they are hurt? In a conflict or random moment of paranoia, you notice they always resort to bringing up some painful part of your life & throw it in your face, especially when it has nothing to do with the current situation.

- How do they treat you about your exes or new people who have come into your life? Do they ban you from having any contact with an ex because they insist that just because you were with someone in the past, you are bound to want to be with them again or vice versa, even if you & that person are genuinely just friends. If you happen to make a new non-threatening friend, do you immediately get the 3rd degree about what that friend's intentions are, what are their secret motives for wanting to be your friend, etc?

- Double standards ... is it always ok that they do x,y,z, and usually frequently, and you're expected to have no negative reaction to it, yet if you ever did even once by mistake or once in a blue moon, that is not acceptable and you endure hell for it?

- Do you develop new fears you didn't have in relationships before? Do you find that you can't do things or go places (even online) that you used to enjoy because you know they will immediately have something negative to say or ask? You know you will be accused, suspected, and that every little detail will be picked apart. This isn't normal. I believe you should have the trust from your partner that you give in return .. to go and do freely the simple things that bring you positivity and be part of a community as the individual you are without fear, even within a power exchange relationship.

- Do they use guilt or bribes to try to get you to stay? They might say that someone who really loved them would stay forever at any cost, no matter what ... that longevity of a relationship is above all. Or they might constantly dangle in your face promises of the future ... but what about this .. or if you just stay you will have that, what you always wanted. This is called tantalizing, and it can really confuse you as to whether you should stay or not.

- It's true that what someone else thinks isn't always everything, but do you notice that you been warned or even begged by trusted family or a friend more often than not, not to continue in this relationship? Have these people seriously feared for your safety? It's not easy to listen to or even see, but there is a reason for these alerts.

- This one is really important: How are things whenever there is an emergency? Is this someone you feel safe turning to without 2nd thought? Do stress levels increase or max out on top of what is already going on? Do you always end up arguing or feeling even worse during this time of distress? Do they demand personal attention or promptness over whatever else is going on? Do you feel completely alone, emotionally?

- This one is really important too: No one is perfect or without some way they could be working on being a better person or partner in a relationship. You might know that if you have some issues you are working through yourself, then you've done whatever you needed to do to address that ... therapy, some resource, whatever. Has this person done the same? Do they always promise they will get help, if only you stay with them, and they either make weak attempts, dont follow through, or refuse to at all? This isn't fair. And it only means the cycle will continue. Until you have hit rock bottom.

- If you notice that issues you already struggled with (anxiety or depression for example) are only made worse and brought to the lowest points while with this person, or if their questioning or tactics have brought you to your knees in emotional suffering or a breakdown, and this happens over and over ... and over again, then things are far too extreme.

The bottom line is: Love is about visible actions, not just words. Someone who truly cares about you & loves you, will always respect & comply with whatever it is you truly need in order to be a healthy person - not only on their terms, but on yours, because no one knows what you need better than you do. Even if this means the two of you are not working out. They should have concerns about their own health & well-being too and should be proactive about that along with you. Someone with a better grip on reality wouldn't let this type of situation continue either. Leaving doesn't mean you didn't love them and give every ounce you had. The fact that there is abuse doesn't mean they don't have a good side or that you are "misjudging" them. It's true relationships take some work sometimes, but shouldn't be at the harmful sacrifice of your being or health til it's depleted & you are left a shell. Being in a relationship of any kind of lifestyle or dynamic is *always* your own consent & everyone has the right to true love, peace and personal boundaries to be respected. No is no. Enough is enough. Goodbye is goodbye. This was way more than I intended to say, but couldn't find a way to leave out any of these points. I really hope anyone out there who is currently in one of these situations will reach their moment of true and lasting clarity, once and for all... asap. It's never too late.

I second the "Wow". This is incredible. It breaks the warning signs of an emotionally abusive relationship down so clearly. Thank you so much for this.

[TruTexan]

Thank you Gotoseagrl, I appreciate your post very much. I sat and read it several times lastnight and have had much to ponder about. It hit me hard in my thought processes in many many ways. Thanks for your post and comments.

[always2late]

Originally Posted by Teddybear

This is a form of abuse. I know where the abuser to have power over their victim. It can ruin a persons reputation, their livelihood and cause a boat load of problems for them.

Its hard when ur the victim and the abuser keeps threatening to cause problems for you by reporting falsley to the police or to other ppl that you they are the victim when in fact they are the abuser.

They is also the fact where the abuser will set out to ruin the other person for leaving them, standing up for themselves.

I have had everything but my clothing stolen and I believe if they had the chance they would have done something to them also. I have lost to abusers my freedom also. What i have lost to them of worldly possessions doesnt equal what I have lost in me.

I can replace in time what worldly possessions I have lost if i choose to but what I have lost of ME I dont know if I will get back. IM working on it and in time I will see and until then I refuse to allow anyone to have that power over me

Im stepping off my soap box now

Originally Posted by gotoseagrl

The bottom line is: Love is about visible actions, not just words. Someone who truly cares about you & loves you, will always respect & comply with whatever it is you truly need in order to be a healthy person - not only on their terms, but on yours, because no one knows what you need better than you do. Even if this means the two of you are not working out. They should have concerns about their own health & well-being too and should be proactive about that along with you. Someone with a better grip on reality wouldn't let this type of situation continue either. Leaving doesn't mean you didn't love them and give every ounce you had. The fact that there is abuse doesn't mean they don't have a good side or that you are "misjudging" them. It's true relationships take some work sometimes, but shouldn't be at the harmful sacrifice of your being or health til it's depleted & you are left a shell. Being in a relationship of any kind of lifestyle or dynamic is *always* your own consent & everyone has the right to true love, peace and personal boundaries to be respected. No is no. Enough is enough. Goodbye is goodbye. This was way more than I intended to say, but couldn't find a way to leave out any of these points. I really hope anyone out there who is currently in one of these situations will reach their moment of true and lasting clarity, once and for all... asap. It's never too late.

This resonates with me so deeply that it is a bit of a shock. Although I finally recognized the abusive aspects of my past relationship, seeing it in print is still startling. As I posted, the emotional component of abuse can often be overlooked or more readily forgiven. This was true in my case. When I finally got up the courage to break it off, I still didn't recognize the constant harassment, threats of self-harm, hacking into my email accounts, etc...as abuse. Call me naive. What I mostly felt was sadness, and no small measure of guilt (that guilt that abusers count on...the one that takes the form of "Oh no, look what I did to make them behave this way"). It took one action for me to finally see what was happening, and that was when my custody of my son was threatened (i.e. I'm going to go to your ex-husband and tell him A, B, and C about you so you lose your son). THAT was my wakeup call...and when I realized that I had nothing to reproach myself for in leaving the relationship. That was when I realized that the relationship was not, and had never been about, love.

[gotoseagrl]

Originally Posted by always2late

This resonates with me so deeply that it is a bit of a shock. Although I finally recognized the abusive aspects of my past relationship, seeing it in print is still startling. As I posted, the emotional component of abuse can often be overlooked or more readily forgiven. This was true in my case. When I finally got up the courage to break it off, I still didn't recognize the constant harassment, threats of self-harm, hacking into my email accounts, etc...as abuse. Call me naive. What I mostly felt was sadness, and no small measure of guilt (that guilt that abusers count on...the one that takes the form of "Oh no, look what I did to make them behave this way"). It took one action for me to finally see what was happening, and that was when my custody of my son was threatened (i.e. I'm going to go to your ex-husband and tell him A, B, and C about you so you lose your son). THAT was my wakeup call...and when I realized that I had nothing to reproach myself for in leaving the relationship. That was when I realized that the relationship was not, and had never been about, love.

Seems like it's when you literally come to the end of your rope ... when there are no more fantasies to cling to, when you've tried the last thing you can try, had given every possibility a chance. When you've seen nothing humanly possible works, even with time. When you've already been running on empty, have no idea how you made it so far, and still being drained for your last drop. When there's no other direction for you to go but out ... because you've finally realized that threat to your livelihood & survival. That's rock bottom. You might have a lot of recovering to do, but what a relief when you come up over that hill.

And thank you all for the wonderful comments, and for this important thread.

[CherylNYC]

I have to say that I really admire all the survivors here who are living, loving and functioning after leaving abusive long term, committed relationships. I know what it took for me to come back from my long term emotionally abusive relationship many years ago. I simply wouldn't be the person I am today if my next partner had not made it her business to heal and support me. Sharon was everything that my former partner could never be, and she was the single healthy romantic relationship I've had in my life. By the time she died four years later, I knew what it meant to be well loved.

Fast forward to my recent dating experience with an emotional abuser. It's flipping HARD to recover from this! It's been months since I told her to never contact me again, yet I'm still randomly furious, and I'm still replaying those damaging events in my head and thinking about what I could have/should have done/said differently. She managed to undermine me in some pretty fundamental ways in the short time we dated, and I'm still telling her to go f**k herself in my head. I can't imagine how much harder this would be for me if I had stayed longer.

Brava/bravo to all of you who have come back strong from this sort of thing. It's really, REALLY hard.

[TruTexan]

It's been a long waring process for me to heal. I"m still not there yet, But I will be in time. I know it just takes time. I am so leary about meeting or dating anyone anymore because of what I endured. IT's frightening to have someone do to me what she did. It Broke me inside and scared me to death about what could have happened to me even though I was not guilty of being the abuser. IT was she that was the abuser always setting off my ptsd,pushing my buttons, acting crazy and telling everyone I was doing things to her and hurting her. I freaked and told her I was leaving just as soon as I could when I got my disability check the next month. I won't go into detail but it just wasn't right what she claimed to the police saying I did things to her when I didn't do anything but tell her to get her shit together and stop acting like the way she was acting and stop treating me wrong. I ended up leaving that very night after an argument with her via police escort. I wasn't arrested for anything because I didn't do anything. I had to live in a shelter until me check came, I was alone in a state I didn't know anyone in and was frightened to death of what she was planning on doing. I could feel it in my gut. When I left, I got mail a couple months later telling me I had DV charges filed against me for things I never did.
She was a real nut job I think. And since I left I think it pissed her off so she made false claims of abuse about me. It cost me a ton of money that I couldn't afford, but i managed to handle and pay out to a really good attorney. I wasn't found guilty, I was aquitted do to lack of evidence. There was NO evidence what so ever that I did the things she said.
For me, this has really messed up my personal life, social life, and put a huge strain on me financially just to go through this mess she created. I"m tired of not talking about it, tired of being silenced, pissed off that I haven't been able to have a voice, and I'm glad Girl started this thread. I appreciate everyone's input, it has greatly opened my eyes and my mind. I have man things to ponder still and work through. It's been 3yrs this coming year and I still need to go back to a therapist and do some more work on me.
Anywho, Thank you all for your input and thoughts on this subject.

[Girl_On_Fire]

I have to say another warning sign might be asking for money. Now, mind you, if you're in a committed relationship and you're together for a while, sharing finances and supporting each other is typical. However, if you're only just met someone or have only interacted with them online and they start talking about major hardships where they need money, something is amiss. Nobody (except perhaps those with social learning disabilities) would ask what would basically be a virtual stranger for financial help. It just crosses a line.

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by TruTexan

It's been a long waring process for me to heal. I"m still not there yet, But I will be in time. I know it just takes time. I am so leary about meeting or dating anyone anymore because of what I endured. IT's frightening to have someone do to me what she did. It Broke me inside and scared me to death about what could have happened to me even though I was not guilty of being the abuser. IT was she that was the abuser always setting off my ptsd,pushing my buttons, acting crazy and telling everyone I was doing things to her and hurting her. I freaked and told her I was leaving just as soon as I could when I got my disability check the next month. I won't go into detail but it just wasn't right what she claimed to the police saying I did things to her when I didn't do anything but tell her to get her shit together and stop acting like the way she was acting and stop treating me wrong. I ended up leaving that very night after an argument with her via police escort. I wasn't arrested for anything because I didn't do anything. I had to live in a shelter until me check came, I was alone in a state I didn't know anyone in and was frightened to death of what she was planning on doing. I could feel it in my gut. When I left, I got mail a couple months later telling me I had DV charges filed against me for things I never did.
She was a real nut job I think. And since I left I think it pissed her off so she made false claims of abuse about me. It cost me a ton of money that I couldn't afford, but i managed to handle and pay out to a really good attorney. I wasn't found guilty, I was aquitted do to lack of evidence. There was NO evidence what so ever that I did the things she said.
For me, this has really messed up my personal life, social life, and put a huge strain on me financially just to go through this mess she created. I"m tired of not talking about it, tired of being silenced, pissed off that I haven't been able to have a voice, and I'm glad Girl started this thread. I appreciate everyone's input, it has greatly opened my eyes and my mind. I have man things to ponder still and work through. It's been 3yrs this coming year and I still need to go back to a therapist and do some more work on me.
Anywho, Thank you all for your input and thoughts on this subject.

I so know this. I too have been FALSELY accused however I was arrested cause my abuser swore that I did things to her I never did. I was told long ago when someone points one finger at you there are 4 pointed back at them. I have learned to realize just what that means. I take a long hard look at who is pointing and what now.

I have lost time from work, money and self respect for I started to believe the things that my abuser said I was doing. I knew deep down I had never done those things but you know the mind will start to play tricks on you when your constantly told an ALTERNATE story line, that has SOME truth in it.

I used to think that me being kind and loving to them would stop the abuse it didnt. What it did was ramp it up. The more I tried the worse it got.

When I finally said Im done you would have thought I had started a war. No matter how calm I stayed the louder she got. I left and she called and told the police all kinds of things. I have to say the 1 thing she could have really said that would have had me placed under the jail she didnt and Im not about to say what it is.

Daily I have to face Me. I have to look Me in the face and tell myself I am better off ALONE then being with ANYONE who wants to tear me down.

I know that working on me and keeping my truth I will overcome the hold my abusers have had over me. Its a daily struggle one that Im sure isnt about to just up and disappear.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by CherylNYC

I have to say that I really admire all the survivors here who are living, loving and functioning after leaving abusive long term, committed relationships. I know what it took for me to come back from my long term emotionally abusive relationship many years ago. I simply wouldn't be the person I am today if my next partner had not made it her business to heal and support me. Sharon was everything that my former partner could never be, and she was the single healthy romantic relationship I've had in my life. By the time she died four years later, I knew what it meant to be well loved.

Fast forward to my recent dating experience with an emotional abuser. It's flipping HARD to recover from this! It's been months since I told her to never contact me again, yet I'm still randomly furious, and I'm still replaying those damaging events in my head and thinking about what I could have/should have done/said differently. She managed to undermine me in some pretty fundamental ways in the short time we dated, and I'm still telling her to go f**k herself in my head. I can't imagine how much harder this would be for me if I had stayed longer.

Brava/bravo to all of you who have come back strong from this sort of thing. It's really, REALLY hard.

[ame="http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972"]Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You: Susan Forward, Donna Frazier: 9780060928971: Amazon.com: Books[/ame]

This book really helped me after my brief relationship with the narcissist. It was given to me my her ex. After we broke I had people very quietly come up to me and tell me "my ex saw her just before you..." And tell me stories as well as other femmes in my community come up and have a very quiet word.

I need to re read it from my last person. I was having an affair with her, something I thought I'd never ever do again after 10 years previously learning my lesson about being the other woman. But I was in such a place of emotional wreckage and frightened and she was my only good friend, I was completely alone in that city, trying to find a way out. Tbh I don't think I would have done anything differently because I was so unstable and alone.

She wasn't a monster. She had incredibly good qualities along with the abusive traits. That's why I don't like calling People abusers unless they are like that narcissist I was seeing. Rather they have abuseive behaviours. I don't like reducing people to roles. It makes me feel icky.

But some of her behaviours I feel the same as you... I am still fantasizing and getting angry about. It's finally starting to fade and I'm finally occasionally starting to hope that now that she's getting married and moving, to a place more stable and to a woman who is kind and doesn't drink, perhaps she'll get back on the wagon and her behaviour will change. And I wish her well.

But I do still get angry with how she treated *me* and I get so angry that I actually became so desirous of her praise that I did horrible things for her to try to show people she wasn't a bad person. That she was just misunderstood. That she was just hurting from being treated so poorly (she was but it wasn't one sided - and she always owned up to treated her ex wife poorly).

The girl she was seeing used to call me and cry and talk to me, as I was "just an ex" and I'd listen and you know I used to feel relief that it wasn't just me, that she treated other people just as insanely, and that I wasn't imagining things or nuts (because past partners made me feel that way about their abuseive behaviour)

I have a beauty and the beast problem. I know this.
It's why I don't trust myself.
And why I do not trust words. At all. I've been called names like ice queen cause I have no use for romantic words now.
Show me. Show me how you feel with how you behave and how you help me with my life, I have no use for romantic flower talk. None. If someone wants to express how much they care about me, then observe my life and see how you can offer to enriched it through your actions. Words are cheap ( and I'm a writer, I should know lol)

[Kobi]

I have been going over the statistics Snow posted on the previous page on domestic violence in lesbian relationships. And I have been looking for supporting data trying to sort out the numbers.

If I take that fact sheet at face value, up to 90% of us could be considered abusers or having engaged in behavior that can be seen as abusive. Does that make sense? Seriously, that isn't even logical.

Hart (1986) defines lesbian domestic violence as “That pattern of violent and coercive behaviours whereby a lesbian seeks to control the thoughts, beliefs, or conduct of her intimate partner or to punish the intimate for resisting the perpetrator's control over her”.

It's a power thing. It's a pattern. It's a control issue. It is deliberate and malicious and pathological. When there is a power differential, there is the potential for abuse.

Being a staunch feminist, I am very aware of and attuned to womens issues. As a social worker, I have seen some nasty abuse stuff all across the spectrum of gender and behavior. I have also seen things that have turned out not to be what they initially appeared.

Some of it is my age and some my occupation, but with the exception of physical abuse, I am reluctant to use the words "abusive" to describe a relationship or behavior, and "abuser" to describe a person. Here's why:

1. People come into relationships with their respective baggage and issues. If your baggage and issues are complimentary, things might be smoother sailing. If your baggage and issues are not, things are likely to be conflictual and even volatile.

2. Relationships can be good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, functional or dysfunctional. What appears to be totally bizarre to me, works for some people. What works for me might look totally bizarre to someone else.

3. Some couples are just a bad fit for one another. Trying to fit a square peg into a round hole makes for a lot of misunderstandings, hurt feelings and accusations. Bad couples do not equate to bad people.

4. People change over time. If the relationship changes with them, it's a good thing. If it doesn't, problems are bound to arise.

5. People use certain words for a reason, with or without recognition that the words carry a certain impact. As TruTexan has experienced, once labeled an abuser, you are guilty until you prove yourself innocent. By then, the damage has already been done to your reputation, finances, livelihood, self esteem etc.

6. Relationships are very complex and not easy to sort out. They can be unhealthy, dysfunctional, problematic, but not necessarily abusive. People do weird shit to one another all the time because they are angry, jealous, hurt, cant get their way etc.

I take abuse and domestic violence very seriously. There are certain criteria that make for an abusive relationship. When we play with the definition, we tend to water down a very serious issue into something else.

That is just not cool.