Caregivers and Stress

[Redsunflower]

I wanted to send out some hugs to all the carers around here just now.

[TruTexan]

I"m lucky my mom still does things on her own without me. She's pretty independent in that regard to getting around and doing stuff . I do however have to drive her to doctor appts out of town, she becomes a nervous wreck when in major traffic or going long distances. I take care of her needs when things with the home are concerned, if she needs anything personal and cannot afford it, mom comes first for me. I am the only one here that is willing to stay here and help her when she needs someone. My older sister lives 5 hrs away and is stubborn and hardly even calls mom anymore. My younger sister lives in TN and takes care of everything else mom needs such as roofing materials I need to put on the house to stop leaks, etc, and any major stuff like that that I cannot afford to do, but I do the labor work in return. I work to keep mom's car up to date and check it all the time, change the oil, tune it up, rotate the tires, etc. I just went through an ordeal with her losing all her major benefits and getting them reinstated. Finally, they seem to be alright for now, but we'll see come next month if they get screwed up again. Geeze I hope not. That was a nightmare to take care of. Anywho, I do what I do for my mom because she's the only mom I have and I love her, but I just can't live with her. We don't get along in that regard living together. Mom has OCD really bad and anything I do like wear socks or shoes in the house drives her mad crazy and she just loses it. LOL, so I live 15 miles from her, and keep my own sanity, and give her her own space she needs. It's best this way.

[Redsunflower]

Thank you for the welcome TruTexan.

Everything you describe sounds so familiar to me, I read your posts about the benefits mistake, I feel like I'm reliving all that frustration just hearing about your situation. Keeping calm and continually doing what needs done, in addition to all your own stuff, is not easy.

Keeping her car ok, I used to wonder why I did that for my ex when she didn't drive it for years but I did it anyway, the hospital appointments, always so many of them, one of the good things about all my ex's stays in hospital was that at least I didn't have to keep driving her there, how messed up is that?

Sounds like you and your mum living apart is a more manageable arrangement for you, that's great, you need your space.

As for the guilt...there's a conversation or 10 I need to have with my therapist.

Thanks for a great thread, I'll keep dropping by.

xx

[TruTexan]

I know that being a caregiver causes a lot of stress on each ourselves, we just have to remember that all of us need time to ourselves and sometimes therapy to cope with things that we are living with doing for our loved ones. I hope if any of you are feeling overwhelmed, that you seek out a therapist that you can trust to help you cope.
I know I had to after my stepfather died and I got the brunt end of mom's anger issues with losing him. It was aweful hateful on me and I about lost my sanity until I sought out help from my psych. doc that set me up to see a therapist so I could learn new coping skills to deal with my mom and her behavior towards me. It's better now that I don't live with her. At least now I can just get in my truck and go home to get away from her anger issues and yelling at me for things beyond my control or hers. She gets in moods where she's so angry and bitter about her life and how hard it is on her to survive and the loss of my stepfather and his help. I understand it but it doesn't make it right for me to have to be mom's target. It makes me nuts when she does that stuff. So now I just get in my truck and leave and go home to my own peace and serenity here in my little apt. just 15 miles from her.
Makes me sad that I have to do that, but I cannot be that target for her anymore.
I learned not to have any guilt about leaving her when she' s so angry and going home. It used to tear me up inside, but now I do not let it get to me that way anymore.

Keep coming back Redsunflower. Thanks for your input and story.

[Medusa]

I am the primary health advocate for my Pops.

We spent several years playing tug-o-war with one another about his health. Him refusing to get treatment and me getting angry, sad, resentful, hurt, anguished, and every manner of feeling in between. He agreed to get treatment back in August and we have spent the last few months going through various VA programs, getting him registered, getting his diagnosis, and rebuilding the tiny part of our relationship that suffered for the last few years.

This might be unfair but my stress level dropped 100 points when he walked in to the VA for the first time. Just knowing that he was willing to try. Willing to hope. Willing to take value of his life. Willing to WANT to be around for me, my Sister, his grandchildren.

It's still hard. Re-arranging my schedule at work has been blessedly easy due to having an amazingly good unit administrator but the VA is 35 miles each direction and it's a lot of driving.

He has 6 appointments scheduled so far for January and more will be coming.

The bright spot with all of that driving is that we get 2 hours of time with one another to chit-chat and shoot the shit, catch up on family business, and basically just love on one another.

I am getting to be the parent right now. Instead of it being really stressful anymore, I have found it joyous and such a deep blessing that I probably will label this past year with my Pops as some of the sweetest time we have ever spent with one another. I know it won't always be this easy and that it will be harder as we go on but right now, I'm just grateful for the tiny little miracles.

Peace and blessings to everyone in this thread going through the hard stuff with parents. Hug them hard and remember to be kind to yourself as well. <3

[TruTexan]

Medusa, great post by the way. I'm so glad your dad has you to help take care of him and that he is making the true effort to take better care of his health. I hope it all gets better for his health from today on. Good to see you posting here. Keep coming back.