Too much honesty?

[Smiling]

In accordance with my spiritual beliefs, these are the criteria I try to use before I speak my truth (with emphasis on the phrase "I try" because I am still very much a work in progress).

1. Is it true?
2. Is it kind?
3. Is it necessary?

Also, I would add a 4th when it comes to brutal honesty.
4. Is it going to affect the outcome or the general situation in a positive way?

For instance, you know that someone has plans to physically or mentally cause harm to another person and you warn that party to avoid a certain situation or individual(s). In that case, obviously my answer is going to be to tell them in order to protect them from potential harm. (And of course, if it is an actionable threat, contact the appropriate authorities).

On the other hand, if it is just mutual friends/acquaintances discussing how stupid they think a friend's new haircut/outfit, etc. looks, then no; I do not feel it necessary to repeat that sort of nonsense. Neither do I think it makes me any less authentic as a friend or otherwise to not do so. I would, however, put a stop to that sort of discussion were it taking place in front of me.

My motto with my closest friends is if I am asked a direct question, I will not lie. However, neither will I go out of my way to say something that I feel is unnecessarily hurtful. And I have found that amongst those closest friends, it is often not what is being said but how it is delivered that makes a lot of difference in how it is received; whether they have specifically asked for the feedback or not.

Just a point of clarification - I don't believe anyone I know would be hurt to be told they had spinach in their teeth, etc; so in those instances I would opt to say something.

[dark_crystal]

I will lie my ass off about things like haircut, hair color, tattoos, outfit (once we have left the house), large purchases (house/car), etc

for the simple reason that the thing is usually already done before my opinion is sought

If someone has just cut their waist-length hair completely off, there is no way in hell I would say anything at all that isn't "OMG OMG YOU LOOK INCREDIBLE WOW"

Not even "i liked it better before"

And that brings me to my main criteria for honesty, which is "will it be productive?"

If my honesty will help the person or the situation, I am honest

If it will do more harm than good, I will, as I said, happily lie my ass off

[dark_crystal]

I will also lie my ass off to people whose reactions tend to be extreme:

If you are a person who hits the roof if you feel like someone is questioning you, you do not get my honesty

If you are a person who will drag everyone through a two-hour guilt and recrimination session after the slightest hint of criticism, you don't get my honesty

If you are a person who has to win every argument no matter how long it takes, then yes, i will dishonestly apologize for something I don't really believe is my fault just to shut you up

However, if you are any of these three people, we are not going to be dating so a lot of this won't come up

[dark_crystal]

OH!

Also I will lie my ass off to people I don't know very well, for example

Husband of a friend of a friend: "kids today have no work ethic, don't you agree?"
Me: "sure"

[dark_crystal]

<--------- is, apparently, a big fat liar