Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships

[fatallyblonde]

an abusive relationship is the reason I've stayed away from the scene the last couple of years... I was really fucked up after it and needed a long time to heal.

The person I was with was an FTM guy who moved around and changed his name a lot... as we learned later because he left a trail of destruction in his wake...

I don't want to go too much into the really personal stuff but here's some advice:

Watch out for anyone who idolises you and puts you on a pedastal! Abusive people often do this to their targets... it's because they don't really see you as human, just a projection of their fantasy... so yeah they'll treat you like a queen at first but watch out when they actually comprehend that you are just a fallible human because then they will blame YOU for "deceiving" them and that's when the physical/verbal abuse will begin... although they will have been grooming you with their idolisation into a vulnerable state!

Look out for people who have shady backgrounds, move around a lot and change their name a lot... what are they running from...


Unfortunately statistics say that people who have been abused/assaulted are more likely to experience it again... I don't know why that it is... but I just want to remind survivors that it is never your fault... abusers are tricky, wily people who practice their techniques to manipulate and deceive you... you are not "stupid" if you find yourself in another abusive relationship after leaving one... even if you know what to look for, abusers are cunning and find ways around it... that's their whole thing... deception and manipulation... it is never your fault... you are never stupid or dumb or silly or weak or foolish... it is always the abuser's fault for making the choice to abuse...

[TruTexan]

I think that Emotional Manipulation is another form of abuse.
Have any of you ever dealt with this type of Manipulation before?

[ProfPacker]

not wanting to go into details but this relationship that I just left became more and more emotionally abusive as the years went on. As I try to remove myself from the dynamics the supposed change in the behavior would come but not for long. I grew up in a home with this type of abuse and was abused emotionally by my mother, so this felt all too familiar to me. I knew intellectually that I was destroying my life (shit, I studied the stuff) and was just about to leave when she said she wanted children. I did not feel like I could leave children in her care so I stayed. But, I did leave children in her care by the fact that she was their mother.

I left when I realized that staying was not "saving my kids" in fact I began to see them seeing me as the person that was contributing to the tension in the home. When I left, although they are conflicted about the change in family, it is such a relief to not have to protect them all the time from the rage. I have an entirely different relationship with my kids now. It is not perfect (nor will it ever be, nor would I want it to be) but we are calm, I am not brough tinto the fray by being told in front of them that I am a lousy parent, etc.

I have myself back and what I need to learn now is that it is my responsibility to not emotionally abuse myself anymore by gravitating towards those who would treat me like this.

It is a very treacherous place to be. No one should be blamed or blame themselves (as said above). If you leave and you feel their is danger, go to a local organization that can help you emotionally and legally and keep you safe.

If you are in NY State, they have the most comprehensive regulations. In NYS dv victims are a protected class, so that an employer does not have the right to know why you are taking off and if you do tell them you are a dv victim there are many safe guards to protect livelyhood, insurance and safety.

NYS OPV

[TruTexan]

I am learning in therapy that I've had a lot of manipulation and gaslighting done to me. I don't know how I just didn't see that, I guess because my father did it as well. I"m learning a lot in therapy and I feel much better going. I've also learned that my reactions were rational and normal for situations that were irrational; and when my ex called me crazy it was her gaslighting the situation and being emotionally abusive to me.

[CherylNYC]

Originally Posted by TruTexan

I am learning in therapy that I've had a lot of manipulation and gaslighting done to me. I don't know how I just didn't see that, I guess because my father did it as well. I"m learning a lot in therapy and I feel much better going. I've also learned that my reactions were rational and normal for situations that were irrational; and when my ex called me crazy it was her gaslighting the situation and being emotionally abusive to me.

I watched a close friend get horribly emotionally abused by her then partner. Every single thing that nasty little twerp, (from now on to be identified as 'tnlt'), used to falsely accuse my wonderful friend of doing were things that tnlt was guilty of herself. Every. Single Thing. It worked well to keep my friend unbalanced and to distract her from the very obvious shortcomings of tnlt. I was especially active in pointing this out, but it only caused stress between my friend and I. She just had to keep living with the hurt until even her legendary loyalty was strained past the breaking point. I was thrilled when she finally tossed that baggage out. Ever since then I've noticed that emotional abusers almost always accuse their victims of doing exactly what they themselves have been doing.

Fast forward to my own recent experience with an emotional abuser. She accused me of being manipulative, among other things, when she was the one doing all the manipulating, etc. Now I almost feel as if I could write the script whenever one of my friends starts to tell me details about their emotionally abusive relationship.

[nycfem]

Received a report and giving participants in this thread a gentle reminder:
If you have an ex on the site and feel they were abusive, please don't post about them here.

[JDeere]

They change emotions uber fast and blame you for their problems!

Or they are physical when it is not warranted!

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by ~ocean

~ listen to warnings from friends ~
~

Ocean, I snipped your post to highlight what I think helped me the most, during my last romantic involvement with someone I met at the nursing home last year, after my work related accident. I saw nothing, in the beginning, that even remotely seemed like a deal breaker issue, when I first was dating my "Cuban Sugarman" (Juan --- who is not a member in our community, here). But after I was released to recover at home, we had numerous supper dates. About seven weeks into dating, nearly all my close friends noticed something about him that I couldn't see. Long story short: Because I've known my close friends for many many years, I was able to hear what they observed in the person I was seeing romantically. So, I began to observe, in a brief series of dates we had back in February, that my what my friends had the nerve to tell me about Juan, was true. I broke up with him on March 3rd, just not too long ago. It hurt my heart to do that, but I won't settle for less than I know I deserve. Listening to the friends in your life who know you really well can be the best decision you could ever make.

Originally Posted by StrongButch

Abusers are driven by anger. Many seek revenge. No one deserves to be abused . Walk away and know there is something better out there waiting for you.

This turned out to be exactly the case about my former romantic interest (Juan). I came to see that the way he treated me was a larger part of an anger problem, that had nothing to do with me, but I'm guessing has been a huge problem for him all along.

Originally Posted by *Anya*

The anger is only part of the cycle of violence. Power and control is also part of the cycle of violence.

Just leave?

If only it were that easy.

I was physically abused by my ex-husband before, during and after my two pregnancies.

Where do you go if you have no family or friends close by? Have babies? I know that I went to the police and they did not arrest him.

Even today, with stricter laws about domestic violence and shelters for women and children-the psychological after-effects make many women (and men) almost paralyzed emotionally. Because I was tied in with him financially and emotionally and because of my children-when the making up and calm stage happened: I wanted to believe-needed to believe; that it would never happen again.

But, of course, it always did.

This cycle below simplifies a very complex pattern of behavior:

"Cycle of Violence

Incident

Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)

Tension Building

Abuser starts to get angry
Abuse may begin
There is a breakdown of communication
Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
Tension becomes too much
Victim feels like they are 'walking on egg shells'
Making-Up

Abuser may apologize for abuse
Abuser may promise it will never happen again
Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims
Calm

Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
Physical abuse may not be taking place
Promises made during 'making-up' may be met
Victim may hope that the abuse is over
Abuser may give gifts to victim

The cycle can happen hundreds of times in an abusive relationship. Each stage lasts a different amount of time in a relationship. The total cycle can take anywhere from a few hours to a year or more to complete.

It is important to remember that not all domestic violence relationships fit the cycle. Often, as time goes on, the 'making-up' and 'calm' stages disappear."

http://www.domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/

If you are in danger, please use a safer computer, or call 911, your local hotline, or the U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and TTY 1-800-787-3224.

Anya has some great information in her post about the cycle , the vicious cycle of abuse. I recently called the national dv phone number to find out how I could steer my mother to safety, find resources for her. Thanks for this useful post, Anya.


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I also want to say that because it's not easy to know if the person you are seeing, dating, romantically involved with has some sort of behavioral issues related to emotional, sexual, or violence type of abuse.

It's the number one reason why I won't consider long-distance or online dating.

If I date anyone at all, it's because it's someone I have met, right here at home.

It takes time to get to know someone. I introduce anyone I date to.my close circle of friends. They're my screening committee. They know me, like and love me, and care about me. They will nearly almost always see something I do not readily see, as far as deal breakers go. I cherish the years long friendships I have with people I've known for many, many years.

[cathexis]

Sexual assault/rape can and does exist in marriages and other LTR. You have the same rights and responsibilities as someone who is assaulted by a stranger.

If a bdsm relationship feel like abuse to you, then it is. There are many types of abuse: verbal, financial, physical, sexual, emotional, mind fucks, etc. Yes, police may question your proclivities, but they cannot discriminate against you based on your sexuality. A sexual behavior "interview" is not pleasant, but you'll make it through. You made it through the ordeal that got you in the police station. Believe me, I went through a 2 hr grilling by the Lt. of sex crimes with her pulling each of my "toys" out 1 by1 asking what it was and how it was used. Spent another hour explaining the difference between consensual and non-consensual.

Final point is if you didn't consent to something, it's assault. Doesn't matter what discussions you had with the perp. prior. It the eyes of the law, no is no!