Have you lost everything? Encouragment needed

[Erryl]

Thank you so much yall. Sorry it took me a while to get back to a computer.

The cat, Malice is fine. She didn't like it but she wasn't hurt. No one was and that is the biggest blessing in the whole world.

Bliss, that is great advice. It's easier to hold my head up now and breathe. I'm moving on to acceptance I think.

Dude, I KNOW! I have gotten so many messages from people who have lost family in fires and it's so awful. I know all I lost was stuff. We are all very lucky to be alive.

Silver, thank you for your understanding. It sucks that you have had to start over before too. ((hug)) It's hard to sit with it and just let is out since we are all on top of each other but we have had a few cry sessions and we are starting to work through it.
I asked her is she wanted to talk to someone about it but she's not ready to. She won't go look at it either, which I completely understand. She did tell me that she was scared to have another home, it might burn down too. Her sense of security is shattered. My wife assumes me that in time it will come back once we are stable and have a home.

Honey, I'm not real attached to most stuff. When I cry it's about the loss my daughter has. The furniture was just furniture. OH! We got our fire safe open and my backup harddrive is FINE. So, we have all our photos. The old fmaily pics are gone but the ones of my daughters life are fine. Those are the "things" I'm attached too. My daughter is different. She's a kid... ya know... they deeply with a passion love their objects. We got her a couple little things and she understands it's going to take time to get her stuff.

Happy, you're right. It can only go up from here!

Jagg, that is just awful! thank you for your service!! That pisses me off though, you didn't deserve to be treated that way. I'm so sorry!
It's about time someone told me that it was okay to be weak for a day. I needed a good cry and I got one yesterday. We all sat together and just bawled. We know it's just stuff. We know it can be replaced but people don't seem to understand that what I'm crying about isn't a sofa. My daughter lost everything she owns, her sense of security and our independence. It hurts to lose even just your stuff. I think it's reasonable to be upset for a bit. I'm a tough broad and I know we can get our family past it but that doens't mean it doesn't suck. Thank you for understanding and I'll let you know in 5 years how incredibly insane awesome my life is, because it will be!

Blonde, Tex, Late, ((hug)) Thank you.

Candy, I'm so sorry that you went through this too!! I've gotten so many messages from people who have been through it. I was surprised by the number of people who have been through fires.
My heart breaks for your pet. :,( I'm so sorry. There's nothing anyone can say...
It sucks that you lost your art. The short in the wiring happened in my art/craft room. What a room to start in.. I"m sure once all the scrapbook paper and photo albums caught there was no hope, no matter how fast the FD had gotten there. So so so many art supplies for all kinds of arts and crafts. My paintings, scrapbooks... but I've got my pics so I really can't let it get to me. I'm really very lucky to have them. You're right about the people. I never knew anyone honestly cared so much. People have come out of the woodwork in the last couple days offering support and encouragement. I'm really in a much better place than I was the other day when I wrote this. It's going to get better a little bit every day.

Julie, I have SO MANY questions for you but I will try not to pry. My daughter's happiness is the #1 thing for me. She said to me that she is scared that when we have a new home (apartment is our plan but "new home" for us is anywhere) it will burn down too. She's afraid to own anything because she doens't want to go through this again.. and it breaks my heart.
I can't thank you enough for telling me your story. I hope and pray that Aurora will be strong and that she can move on from this. She's so scared.. she watched it from the road out front of our house. She just kept begging me to tell her it wasn't real. I wanted to so badly. My heart feels so broken over this for her. All a mom wants is for her kids to be happy and taken care of. She's horrified, sad and homeless. I feel like the worst person in the world for not being able to give her a place and her things this very second!! I know it will take time. We will get there. We are a strong family. I'm sorry for rambling a bit there...Just thank you. ((hug))

Thank you Bulldog, I'm saving that quote.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Honey, I'm not real attached to most stuff. When I cry it's about the loss my daughter has. The furniture was just furniture. OH! We got our fire safe open and my backup harddrive is FINE. So, we have all our photos. The old fmaily pics are gone but the ones of my daughters life are fine. Those are the "things" I'm attached too. My daughter is different. She's a kid... ya know... they deeply with a passion love their objects. We got her a couple little things and she understands it's going to take time to get her stuff.

I apologise for not being very clear. I was in no way referring to what you were crying over. I was only talking about my own Journey in losing everything, using certain items that most people feel very attached to for emotional reasons. Since I don't expect most adults to not care if they lose "stuff" I hardly expect a child to fathom loss of any kind. We learn by experience.

The only thing I really wanted to convey to you, in attempting to bring you some hope, is that for me, the hardest part was watching the loss happen and the initial panic. There are layers to the loss, and there are pockets of emotional setbacks in the forward motion of moving through it. The first time I would want to show somebody something or have something that I wanted to share or give and ... It wasn't there. The security of that place - my home, my job, my relationship - and of the sense of self that went with it, a portion of my identiy was gone. And I didn't understand just how much of myself was invested in my sense of security and how much it defined me.

Losing that hurt. A lot. I had to find a new identiy and sense of value I could show to others. That comes from a typical North American Puritan style work ethic. I didn't even know I had it, coming from an atheist family. But it permeates our society anyway.

I have no idea if you will struggle with it. I am only saying if you do... You can get to redefining and it actually will show you something that others can't see. It's like a veil (maya) gets lifted and you can see something about a layer of reality that other people don't have, because they haven't had it thrust into the face and had to cope.

That's all. Apologies for not being more clear.

[Julie]

Originally Posted by Erryl

Julie, I have SO MANY questions for you but I will try not to pry. My daughter's happiness is the #1 thing for me. She said to me that she is scared that when we have a new home (apartment is our plan but "new home" for us is anywhere) it will burn down too. She's afraid to own anything because she doens't want to go through this again.. and it breaks my heart.
I can't thank you enough for telling me your story. I hope and pray that Aurora will be strong and that she can move on from this. She's so scared.. she watched it from the road out front of our house. She just kept begging me to tell her it wasn't real. I wanted to so badly. My heart feels so broken over this for her. All a mom wants is for her kids to be happy and taken care of. She's horrified, sad and homeless. I feel like the worst person in the world for not being able to give her a place and her things this very second!! I know it will take time. We will get there. We are a strong family. I'm sorry for rambling a bit there...Just thank you. ((hug))

Erryl,

Time does heal. I promise you that and Aurora will heal. She has the blessing of youth on her side and two Mom's who love her.

When I was 16 years old, we lived in Mexico. We were traveling and my father was tired and didn't tie down our suitcases to the roof rack very well. They fell down a ravine. ALL of my belongings were gone. Most important to me, was my journal. It was my journal from when I was young after the fire. I was so angry and hurt that he could be so irresponsible. Two times in my young life, I lost everything.

My anger and loss was short lived both times. Youth has an amazing way of healing us. I did not think about the journal or other things lost, even my most precious possessions from our fire for very long. Sometimes (at 51) I wish I had my journal, to reflect back. Instead I have my memories and most of them are good.

The nightmares, if she has any... They will go away too and she will be okay. Just keep the lines of communication open and give her permission to curse and yell and scream (no doubt you already do). This time for her can turn into an adventure.

Julie

[Soft*Silver]

I am glad you are not pushing your daughter to see the remains of the home. But take many photos, especially of her room. She will want to see them later as she heals, and as she matures.

Something you can do for her, to make her feel better, is to ask her what she would need to feel safe, and explore it. Some might be reasonable, some might not be. Asking to sleep with her parents might be ok, but you have to establish early on, its not forever. Depending on her age, you could get her something that would be her bed buddy, representing your promise you will do everything you can to keep it from happening again.

Kids who go thru fires sometimes play with fire in small doses, to explore what it looks like and how it consumed their lives. Just be prepared in case she does this..she hasnt lost her mind. It is part of the journey of healing for some survivors. It goes away. (Arsonists do not develop from this. Thats a disorder. I am not talking about that kind of fire interest.)

[caffeinelover]

Kuddos to you for being able to function still after such a devastating event. I wish for you and your family to regain soon a sense of safety.

You shouldn't blame yourself and add guilt to injury about what happened, especially in regards to your daughter.

What you are providing her in matter of emotional safety is very valuable and will come to be an anchor in the storm for her.

Also, the way you are all going to recover from the event, as a family, will give her lessons in strength and resilience that will last her a lifetime. I empathize with her situation and the loss of her things It might help for her to make a list of items that she'd like to have replaced and cross out each item as you are buying them back. She knows you have the ability to provide for her, the ability was not taken away from you, just the things this ability brought.

If you still have a job, an income or the ability to make money, you can bounce back from the situation.

I am very grateful for the sharing of your story and also for the incredible gift of story sharing from all the people who replied to your post.

These messages of hope and overcoming loss and grief have inspired me immensely.

[JAGG]

Originally Posted by Erryl

Thank you so much yall. Sorry it took me a while to get back to a computer.

The cat, Malice is fine. She didn't like it but she wasn't hurt. No one was and that is the biggest blessing in the whole world.

Bliss, that is great advice. It's easier to hold my head up now and breathe. I'm moving on to acceptance I think.

Dude, I KNOW! I have gotten so many messages from people who have lost family in fires and it's so awful. I know all I lost was stuff. We are all very lucky to be alive.

Silver, thank you for your understanding. It sucks that you have had to start over before too. ((hug)) It's hard to sit with it and just let is out since we are all on top of each other but we have had a few cry sessions and we are starting to work through it.
I asked her is she wanted to talk to someone about it but she's not ready to. She won't go look at it either, which I completely understand. She did tell me that she was scared to have another home, it might burn down too. Her sense of security is shattered. My wife assumes me that in time it will come back once we are stable and have a home.

Honey, I'm not real attached to most stuff. When I cry it's about the loss my daughter has. The furniture was just furniture. OH! We got our fire safe open and my backup harddrive is FINE. So, we have all our photos. The old fmaily pics are gone but the ones of my daughters life are fine. Those are the "things" I'm attached too. My daughter is different. She's a kid... ya know... they deeply with a passion love their objects. We got her a couple little things and she understands it's going to take time to get her stuff.

Happy, you're right. It can only go up from here!

Jagg, that is just awful! thank you for your service!! That pisses me off though, you didn't deserve to be treated that way. I'm so sorry!
It's about time someone told me that it was okay to be weak for a day. I needed a good cry and I got one yesterday. We all sat together and just bawled. We know it's just stuff. We know it can be replaced but people don't seem to understand that what I'm crying about isn't a sofa. My daughter lost everything she owns, her sense of security and our independence. It hurts to lose even just your stuff. I think it's reasonable to be upset for a bit. I'm a tough broad and I know we can get our family past it but that doens't mean it doesn't suck. Thank you for understanding and I'll let you know in 5 years how incredibly insane awesome my life is, because it will be!

Blonde, Tex, Late, ((hug)) Thank you.

Candy, I'm so sorry that you went through this too!! I've gotten so many messages from people who have been through it. I was surprised by the number of people who have been through fires.
My heart breaks for your pet. :,( I'm so sorry. There's nothing anyone can say...
It sucks that you lost your art. The short in the wiring happened in my art/craft room. What a room to start in.. I"m sure once all the scrapbook paper and photo albums caught there was no hope, no matter how fast the FD had gotten there. So so so many art supplies for all kinds of arts and crafts. My paintings, scrapbooks... but I've got my pics so I really can't let it get to me. I'm really very lucky to have them. You're right about the people. I never knew anyone honestly cared so much. People have come out of the woodwork in the last couple days offering support and encouragement. I'm really in a much better place than I was the other day when I wrote this. It's going to get better a little bit every day.

Julie, I have SO MANY questions for you but I will try not to pry. My daughter's happiness is the #1 thing for me. She said to me that she is scared that when we have a new home (apartment is our plan but "new home" for us is anywhere) it will burn down too. She's afraid to own anything because she doens't want to go through this again.. and it breaks my heart.
I can't thank you enough for telling me your story. I hope and pray that Aurora will be strong and that she can move on from this. She's so scared.. she watched it from the road out front of our house. She just kept begging me to tell her it wasn't real. I wanted to so badly. My heart feels so broken over this for her. All a mom wants is for her kids to be happy and taken care of. She's horrified, sad and homeless. I feel like the worst person in the world for not being able to give her a place and her things this very second!! I know it will take time. We will get there. We are a strong family. I'm sorry for rambling a bit there...Just thank you. ((hug))

Thank you Bulldog, I'm saving that quote.

That's the spirit friend !!! I hope things go smoother than you could have imagined and you turn things around faster than you ever thought possible. Believe it or not it's a great life lesson for your daughter , it will make her appreciate things more than she ever has before. And she gets to watch the process of building a life . Which she will do herself when she moves out on her own. So instead of being born into having things she gets to watch it all unfold. And she can learn from any mistakes that are made along the way. She will learn how to make do with little or nothing and so losing things won't upset her like it does most people because she will know if it happens she has skills to survive, so not a big deal to her. Instead of saying what am I going to do, she will say I know what I am going to do, I will do exactly what I did before. Keep your head up this too shall pass.