What do YOU need to feel loved?

[apretty]

Originally Posted by Nat

I feel loved when

I can be exactly as I am

and that's not a problem.

yes, this.

[adorable]

Whew great answers so far! Thanks everyone. Great posts.

I know that for me I really suck at verbalizing what it is that I need. I like people to guess, which of course is a complete set up. One of the things that this thread has proven to me (again) is that we are all very different when it comes to love.

To ask or explain what we need makes me feel weak and puts me in a vulnerable position of needing anything. The alternative is to let them fumble along while I build resentment. I know this is nuts, hence the thread. lol. I like to say all kinds of things that I don't need - that when I'm saying it - I believe. Which depends, I've discovered, on my proximity to a relationship .

Things that I think in theory, like I don't like romance, start to matter more when it's suddenly not there....and then I'm like "HEY! Where's my romance?" lol. Maybe I'm less romantic and more greedy? Perhaps.

When you come from a dysfunctional place where what you needed never mattered - I think that it is very, very hard to (as an adult) believe that anyone could or even want to meet the needs that you have. Also, I've found that some needs are in direct conflict with other needs. To add confusion to an already confused situation. For instance, I need attention but call me all day and I'll get pissed.

[Oneida]

To feel loved, I need to believe in you...know your authentic self...and be a priority. I need to have known your forgiveness and witnessed how you love others, like your Mom or sister or best friend. To feel love, to me, is to feel safe. Safe from lies, distrust, abuse, misuse, indifference, etc... The most perfect example, for me, is the love I share with my parents.

[Apocalipstic]

It is really amazing how differently we perceive feeling loved.

This is a very interesting thread!

It explains why several relationships I have had have not worked....it had nothing to do with either of us being bad people, we just had different styles of feeling loved.

I must say for me, past trust and respect, it really helps to have some things in common. I really would far rather discuss WWII or the Reformation than cleats. I will be in a way better mood if I don't have to attend endless depressing writer's nights or softball practices. Nothing against those things, I just don't care about them at all.

Cynthia (My G/F) would way rather discuss Erasmus than watch football....I am truly blessed!

Yes we do have some different interests, but don't have to spend every second together to feel loved. For example I love Glee and C loves Cage Fighting....thanks to the DVR, not a problem.

[julieisafemme]

Really excellent thread. For me to feel loved I need to feel partnered. It is hard to explain. I have it now. I did not in the past. I felt alone. Now I feel partnered! Hand holding, decision making, emotional support. We like to do the same things. It's nice.

[AtLast]

Short answer- the ability (and commitment) to build a history with someone. Mutual high regard & respect has to be part of the equation.

[sharkchomp]

How do I feel loved? Wow, great question and not one I've thought on much. So as I've sat and pondered on it, the best I can come up with is this...

They say love is a Verb - an action. True. But I think there has to be sincerity behind the action for it to mean anything. A person could do a thousand things for me but if they're grumbling about it... well it doesn't feel all that loving.

I agree with Hack, being accepted for me, in all that I am and all my shortcomings, that makes me feel loved also.

I'll add more to this when I have more time....

~~~shark~~~~~~~~

[JustJo]

Originally Posted by adorable

When you come from a dysfunctional place where what you needed never mattered - I think that it is very, very hard to (as an adult) believe that anyone could or even want to meet the needs that you have. Also, I've found that some needs are in direct conflict with other needs. To add confusion to an already confused situation.

Thank you adorable...I come from the same place, and it makes it very difficult for me to verbalize what I need or want. I don't expect that anyone can read my mind, but there's a part of me that wishes they could...and then tell me so that I could know too.

I'm learning...

[gotoseagrl]

my cat resting her head on my hand. *purr*

[femmedyke]

understanding, most certainly.

[waxnrope]

chocolate

[Andrew, Jr.]

The touch of Dino's paw, or a lick from him. Or it can be love from one of the cats laying on my lap or stomach while I am on the soffa watching sports or sleeping.

[JAGG]

waking up gentlly as she crawls on top to lay her head on my shoulder and fall back asleep.
Soft unexpected kisses for no reason.
Surprise visits out of the blue.
The feeling of her touch when she reaches for me in the middle of the night.
Bringing me a cold drink on a hot day , just cos she figured I needed it.
Being a partner in home projects.
Being honest and trustworthy, so I would never doubt or have to look over my shoulder.
Be as invested in US as I am.
Make sacrifices , IE. sit through a boring football game happily.
Know how to get through to me when I'm being hard headed, if I'm in love with you , you have the power to win any disagreement we could ever have, if you know how to get through to me.
Little notes left in unexpected places, telling me why she loves me.
Grabbing my hand and pulling me away from a project , and walking me directly into the bedroom , I see candles burning and ........
Communication about everything.
Taking care of me when I'm hurt or sick.
Knowing what loyality, and devotion, and love mean.
Being able to sense when I'm not ok, even if I say I am.
Buying small inexpensive gifts like my fav gum, placing it in my breifcase to find when I get to work.
Get up early on a work day and secretly make me breakfast while I'm in the shower.
Put a sweet love note in my lunch box.
Send me hand written love letters or cards in the snail mail,
Make me something with your own 2 hands, even if it's a poem that you put in a frame for me.
Playing little jokes on me so we both laugh out loud.

[Tucker]

I need a Bad Boy.
I need Mischevious, Raw, and Nasty guys.
To feel loved, I need to not hear things like "Baby. Princess. Darling.
I need to hear things like "Girl. Mine. HellCat"

[LipstickLola]

Originally Posted by JAGG

waking up gentlly as she crawls on top to lay her head on my shoulder and fall back asleep.
Soft unexpected kisses for no reason.
Surprise visits out of the blue.
The feeling of her touch when she reaches for me in the middle of the night.
Bringing me a cold drink on a hot day , just cos she figured I needed it.
Being a partner in home projects.
Being honest and trustworthy, so I would never doubt or have to look over my shoulder.
Be as invested in US as I am.
Make sacrifices , IE. sit through a boring football game happily.
Know how to get through to me when I'm being hard headed, if I'm in love with you , you have the power to win any disagreement we could ever have, if you know how to get through to me.
Little notes left in unexpected places, telling me why she loves me.
Grabbing my hand and pulling me away from a project , and walking me directly into the bedroom , I see candles burning and ........
Communication about everything.
Taking care of me when I'm hurt or sick.
Knowing what loyality, and devotion, and love mean.
Being able to sense when I'm not ok, even if I say I am.
Buying small inexpensive gifts like my fav gum, placing it in my breifcase to find when I get to work.
Get up early on a work day and secretly make me breakfast while I'm in the shower.
Put a sweet love note in my lunch box.
Send me hand written love letters or cards in the snail mail,
Make me something with your own 2 hands, even if it's a poem that you put in a frame for me.

Perfect! one teensy lil thing to add.....laughter and lots of it!

[Lady Pamela]

Understanding of my condition and patience when It is flaired up.

Honesty and full trust in me. "That I will do and act as I say" And that I will honor my relationships in whatever scene or circumstance.

The freedom to be me without being degraded or accused of false actions. Even if I am silly at times.

Acceptance that family and committment to those I care for are the most valuable thing in my life. And that I take an active role in every one.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Sweet

This one is very hard for me to think about.

I try not to think about love or being loved ... it might cause me to let my walls down or to give someone a key to a very deep part of my inner-self.

I'm not a "needy" person. But there are a few things I would like to experience in this life...before going to the next one and having to search all over again.

I need to feel protected... to eventually share my worst fears with someone, and have them NOT use it against me.

To feel protected when I have had a nasty day being a Tough-Ass-Boss at work, but the "little girl" in me needs comfort and a tender touch.

I am far from weak... but have weak moments... if I can ever find someone to trust with that key to the very deep part of my inner-self,
I need to feel protected and respected during my weak moments.

I didn't feel protected as a child or young adult... I would NEVER take for granted the special person that could do this for me. And I would NEVER take for granted the special gift of protection they would bestow on me.

I think if I could find the kind of special person who's willing to protect me in a way that I have always dreamed of... I may possibly be able to think about love and being loved without fear of being hurt. I think I would and could love them with all my heart and soul if they could do this for me.

(that's all I wish to share at this time... maybe more later)

I understand and relate to this very much.

[Pretty Woman]

Two part answer from me:
What do I need to feel loved (inside myself): Safety, calm, quiet, introspective time. Days when I can put the dysfunctional chatter of my upbringing on the shelf and know that I am a superb human being, meaning that I do the absolute best I can and take steps to correct my mistakes when I fall short of my goals for myself. That stuff happened in the past..by folks who really needed help and had no capacity for parenting.

What do I need to feel loved (by another human being): See above...I absolutely am unable to be in true partnership with another individual unless I'm cool with me. And once that's in place, interaction with another human being who is also committed to knowin that it takes two to tango and that half of the problem is on each side. And, that defending a heels dug in position doesn't advance the ball.