LBD

always2late · 04-23-2010, 11:19 AM

May I ask some questions? Have there been any major changes in your lives lately (new job, move, etc..)? Does your partner suffer from depression? I know you stated that you've been to a doctor to check for physical causes....have you also been to a therapist?

ErickaS · 04-23-2010, 12:10 PM

We havent have any major changes recently... This has been going on since Nov. of 2008. It's always "something" though, ya know? Stress happens!

She does see a thearpist. I told her that I want to go with her this time to talk to this woman about the concerns that I have. She seems open to that. She has a clinical diagnosis and is on medication. It started before the therapy and the medication though.

If she had always been a woman with a low sex drive, then I would be more understanding. However, there was a DRASTIC change immediately after we married. We married in Nov '08 and by Jan. '09 we had stopped having sex. We've only had sex three times since Jan. '09.

Before our marriage we were sexually active every day. Literally, every day.

So, I am totally confused. Conversations about the subject always end up with me in tears and her angry.

On the flip side, she is my best friend. I love her dearly and deeply. We have great fun together the majority of the time. I am not ready to give up on the relationship. I am legally married to this woman and that is not a commitment I take lightly.

We went to couples counseling a couple of times but we didnt like the therapist. Once we move to Florida I will find us another couples counselor.

And in that one sentence... it basically sums it up. I do every thing. I think its a problem, she doesnt. I am bothered by it, she could care less. I'm just wicked frustrated (not sexually, but emotionally... ya know?) and dont know what to do to fix this!

ErickaS · 04-23-2010, 12:13 PM

I should clarify... I will not give up on my marriage until I know that every avenue has been explored and exhausted. Until that time, I will continue to search for answers and solutions.

<--- isnt this just too cute? I had to include it.

adorable · 04-23-2010, 12:12 PM

Depression is what popped into my head too!

If you've talked to her about it.....what is she willing to do about it?

What about watching porn together? Getting into something new together....a new kink or something that she's thought about but hasn't done. There are so many! I will PM you a couple of links.

ErickaS · 04-23-2010, 12:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by adorable

Depression is what popped into my head too!

If you've talked to her about it.....what is she willing to do about it?

What about watching porn together? Getting into something new together....a new kink or something that she's thought about but hasn't done. There are so many! I will PM you a couple of links.

I have no interest in porn, neither does she. She, at first, said "we" would work it out. Nothing changed. I asked the advice of some people... she flipped out, literally, because I was talking about what goes on in "her bedroom". To which I replied "Its my bedroom too". Then she agreed to a couples counselor.

Now we are in the process of getting ready to move and we did not click with the first counselor we went to up here so I will be looking for another one when we are down in Florida.

She's a pretty vanilla lesbian, all in all. We've talked about fantasies, etc. and nothiing sticks out to me as things to try that we have not already done.

I am open to any suggestions and look forward to the links. Thanks!

Canela · 04-23-2010, 12:51 PM

Hi Erika--

You say it started even before she started therapy. Could it be an emotional reaction/block to something big? Marriage is a big step. Some people have a mindset of being married = boring. Does she? When y'all were single, you were going strong, then marriage and nothing? Doesn't make sense.

Maybe she should also try another medication. After 2 years she should have had some stabilization, but no libido is an indication that that particular medication isn't working, or has peaked with no change. You can plateau on the effectiveness of your meds especially for depression. There are plenty out there...something to ask your dr.

Just my .02 cents.

I wish you lots of luck with this situation. Will pray for things to get better for you, too.

Shug

ErickaS · 04-25-2010, 05:40 PM

(((((((((hugs)))))))))))) and thanks to each of you that posted here and PM'ed me. I appreciate it more than I can express. Its helpful to know I'm not alone and to have the input of some wonderful, strong women.

bigbutchmistie · 04-25-2010, 05:51 PM

I know someone who went through this. For 5 years her gf didnt have any desire. It seemed as though once they made a comittment and moved in together the gf just "lost" it.. Was severely depressed etc. My friend stuck by her through it all.. Frustrated, always true. But they worked through it and everything seems to be fine. They are back to having sex like they used too again. But it was just a matter of changing her depression meds...

I hear all the time of this. I havent been in a long term relationship where we were together for years on end . So I cant relate to what you are saying personally. But know all about and sympathize with you from hearing about it from my friends. I do wish you best of luck.

miss entycing · 04-25-2010, 06:09 PM

good evening,
in reading this I am wondering if she may be feeling a bit pressured? If attempts at intimacy are ending in tears and anger.... ya know?
and I mean absolutely no dis-respect, I promise you. It may be something as simple as she just isn't in the mood... things tend to settle sometimes, it just happens. Things change that you never thought would change, or they simply get pushed to the side briefly.
You stated that you would not give up on your marriage until all avenues are explored and exhausted, but what would happen if god forbid, the woman you married could never make love to you again due to something unforseen? You take vows with that person, for better or worse... all of the good and the not so good.
You can make love to eachother in many diffent ways sweetie, in many delicious levels of intimacy.
I hope that your journey is kind to the both of you, and I hope you both find the peace and strength you will need

bigbutchmistie · 04-25-2010, 07:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EntycingFemme

good evening,
in reading this I am wondering if she may be feeling a bit pressured? If attempts at intimacy are ending in tears and anger.... ya know?
and I mean absolutely no dis-respect, I promise you. It may be something as simple as she just isn't in the mood... things tend to settle sometimes, it just happens. Things change that you never thought would change, or they simply get pushed to the side briefly.
You stated that you would not give up on your marriage until all avenues are explored and exhausted, but what would happen if god forbid, the woman you married could never make love to you again due to something unforseen? You take vows with that person, for better or worse... all of the good and the not so good.
You can make love to eachother in many diffent ways sweetie, in many delicious levels of intimacy.
I hope that your journey is kind to the both of you, and I hope you both find the peace and strength you will need

I agree

04-23-2010, 11:19 AM	#1
always2late Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: m'lady Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: NJ Posts: 2,000 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,834 Thanked 6,231 Times in 1,462 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	May I ask some questions? Have there been any major changes in your lives lately (new job, move, etc..)? Does your partner suffer from depression? I know you stated that you've been to a doctor to check for physical causes....have you also been to a therapist? __________________ Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there ~ Rumi

04-23-2010, 12:10 PM	#2
ErickaS Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Aggressive Femme Lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Hartford, CT for now. Tampa, FL soon. Posts: 15 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 10 Thanked 4 Times in 3 Posts Rep Power: 19	We havent have any major changes recently... This has been going on since Nov. of 2008. It's always "something" though, ya know? Stress happens! She does see a thearpist. I told her that I want to go with her this time to talk to this woman about the concerns that I have. She seems open to that. She has a clinical diagnosis and is on medication. It started before the therapy and the medication though. If she had always been a woman with a low sex drive, then I would be more understanding. However, there was a DRASTIC change immediately after we married. We married in Nov '08 and by Jan. '09 we had stopped having sex. We've only had sex three times since Jan. '09. Before our marriage we were sexually active every day. Literally, every day. So, I am totally confused. Conversations about the subject always end up with me in tears and her angry. On the flip side, she is my best friend. I love her dearly and deeply. We have great fun together the majority of the time. I am not ready to give up on the relationship. I am legally married to this woman and that is not a commitment I take lightly. We went to couples counseling a couple of times but we didnt like the therapist. Once we move to Florida I will find us another couples counselor. And in that one sentence... it basically sums it up. I do every thing. I think its a problem, she doesnt. I am bothered by it, she could care less. I'm just wicked frustrated (not sexually, but emotionally... ya know?) and dont know what to do to fix this! __________________ I am "The Other Mrs. Soto... and I love it!

04-23-2010, 12:13 PM	#3
ErickaS Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Aggressive Femme Lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Hartford, CT for now. Tampa, FL soon. Posts: 15 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 10 Thanked 4 Times in 3 Posts Rep Power: 19	I should clarify... I will not give up on my marriage until I know that every avenue has been explored and exhausted. Until that time, I will continue to search for answers and solutions. <--- isnt this just too cute? I had to include it. __________________ I am "The Other Mrs. Soto... and I love it!

04-25-2010, 05:40 PM	#7
ErickaS Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Aggressive Femme Lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Hartford, CT for now. Tampa, FL soon. Posts: 15 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 10 Thanked 4 Times in 3 Posts Rep Power: 19	(((((((((hugs)))))))))))) and thanks to each of you that posted here and PM'ed me. I appreciate it more than I can express. Its helpful to know I'm not alone and to have the input of some wonderful, strong women. __________________ I am "The Other Mrs. Soto... and I love it!

04-25-2010, 06:09 PM	#9
miss entycing Senior Member How Do You Identify?: dangerous, but worth the risk. Preferred Pronoun?: just be nice.. it's that easy. Relationship Status: CapitalM's carved upon my skin. Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: on the southern edge of sanity, under a carolina moon. Posts: 3,276 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8,341 Thanked 8,262 Times in 2,254 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	good evening, in reading this I am wondering if she may be feeling a bit pressured? If attempts at intimacy are ending in tears and anger.... ya know? and I mean absolutely no dis-respect, I promise you. It may be something as simple as she just isn't in the mood... things tend to settle sometimes, it just happens. Things change that you never thought would change, or they simply get pushed to the side briefly. You stated that you would not give up on your marriage until all avenues are explored and exhausted, but what would happen if god forbid, the woman you married could never make love to you again due to something unforseen? You take vows with that person, for better or worse... all of the good and the not so good. You can make love to eachother in many diffent ways sweetie, in many delicious levels of intimacy. I hope that your journey is kind to the both of you, and I hope you both find the peace and strength you will need __________________ True strength lies in submission which permits one to dedicate their life, through devotion, to something beyond themselves. Whenever someone awakens fully, it affects human consciousness at a collective level. It is like dropping a stone into a dark murky pond. Ripples of light... Not one word need be spoken.

04-23-2010, 12:12 PM	#4
adorable Member How Do You Identify?: Sarcastically Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Home of the Yankee's Posts: 752 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,708 Thanked 2,643 Times in 590 Posts Rep Power: 12725119	Depression is what popped into my head too! If you've talked to her about it.....what is she willing to do about it? What about watching porn together? Getting into something new together....a new kink or something that she's thought about but hasn't done. There are so many! I will PM you a couple of links.

04-23-2010, 12:51 PM	#6
Canela Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Queer Stone Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Babe, she, her, ella Relationship Status: Well loved… Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Texas Posts: 2,375 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 10,643 Thanked 6,505 Times in 1,694 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	Hi Erika-- You say it started even before she started therapy. Could it be an emotional reaction/block to something big? Marriage is a big step. Some people have a mindset of being married = boring. Does she? When y'all were single, you were going strong, then marriage and nothing? Doesn't make sense. Maybe she should also try another medication. After 2 years she should have had some stabilization, but no libido is an indication that that particular medication isn't working, or has peaked with no change. You can plateau on the effectiveness of your meds especially for depression. There are plenty out there...something to ask your dr. Just my .02 cents. I wish you lots of luck with this situation. Will pray for things to get better for you, too. Shug

04-25-2010, 05:51 PM	#8
bigbutchmistie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Since You Need A Label. Butch Relationship Status: Still Dreaming Of My Happily Ever After Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Arlington Texas Posts: 4,009 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,950 Thanked 5,364 Times in 1,941 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	I know someone who went through this. For 5 years her gf didnt have any desire. It seemed as though once they made a comittment and moved in together the gf just "lost" it.. Was severely depressed etc. My friend stuck by her through it all.. Frustrated, always true. But they worked through it and everything seems to be fine. They are back to having sex like they used too again. But it was just a matter of changing her depression meds... I hear all the time of this. I havent been in a long term relationship where we were together for years on end . So I cant relate to what you are saying personally. But know all about and sympathize with you from hearing about it from my friends. I do wish you best of luck.