The Aging Community: What Are Your Plans?

[Medusa]

I was having a conversation with my Pops the other day about nursing homes and care at home for my Pappy (who is in his nineties). It got me to thinking about the aging Butch/Femme/Trans community and what our plans might be for advanced age.

Like, do you see yourself living independently as long as you are able? But what then? Would you ever go into an assisted living home? Would you plan to live with relatives?

Do you have any fears around aging? Do you fear losing your partner and being alone?

Let's talk about getting older and how that will affect our living situation and lives!

[Corkey]

I have to give this some thought. My plans are made, but the fear of outliving Ami is gut wrenching to me. I may not be able to express my thoughts succinctly.

[Mel C.]

Great thread idea Medusa! I am concerned about losing my independence. I see my mom (in her 70's) having issues with mobility and vision, but she has my father and me (and other relatives nearby) to help. I don't have a partner or children so I don't think that option will be available for me. Care facilities are very expensive in my area so I probably couldn't afford them. I had long term care insurance through my employers for 10+ years but now that I am self-employed, I am no longer covered. I should look into options...thanks for the reminder.

[Medusa]

I feel you on the aging parents, Mel.

Having to help care for my Pops over the last year and half and go through his medical issues with him has been a huge eye-opener as far as how much help folks need when they age. Even my Pappy is blind and has to have full-time live-in care or he can't cook for himself or do most basic household chores.

And Corkey, that definitely is a scary prospect. Jack and I have had a lot of conversations about what happens if one of us passes away and it scares the shit out of me to not only think about being in this world without her but of just maintaining a life and household.

I watched my Pappy lose his ability to see gradually over a period of years and it started to really go downhill when he couldnt drive anymore. Driving is one of the important things to consider when you age, especially if you live way out in the country like we do.

I have more thoughts.

[Gráinne]

One reason I bought the condo I did was because if need be, I could move my bedroom downstairs where my son currently resides and still have a connected bathroom. The upstairs could be for guests. That could make this place suitable for the rest of my life, if my health holds.

My dad lived on his own until his very late 80's, and then went into assisted living. That way, he had some independence but could get all his meals in the dining room, trips into the community, and most importantly, his health care. That's what I want for myself. I don't want to burden my kids if possible.

I don't fear aging in itself, only aging and becoming an emotional or financial burden.

[RockOn]

What a great topic, Medusa! Really makes one stop and think.

I will be 58 next month. (going on fourteen LOL!) Seriously, I will have to give it more thought before I post.

I'll be back.

[MsTinkerbelly]

I have given this a lot of thought since my Mom passed.

Like others have said, the thought of having to go on without Kasey makes me feel ill so this is a very emotional subject for me.

My health is sucky at best, and I'm pretty sure I'll be going first...BUT, Kasey is nearly 10 years older than i am so that's not a for sure thing. I want to live at home as long as i can, and i don't mind being a burden, as that (in my mind and family) is what you do for each other.

However, i did manage a large independent living facility for 16 years, and most of them are lovely and provide as much help and conpanionship as you need. So as an option if i outlive Kasey, that is what i would probably choose to do.

[C0LLETTE]

It is difficult to talk about "ageing" generally because circumstances vary so broadly but, in the extreme, for those with little or no family, no partner or none living, and few, if any, surviving close friends, the advancing isolation can be crushing; easily as debilitating as physical frailty.

[Paradox]

Great tread.

With my own aging parents, they are still in the their home and the children are around to aid and help with all kinds of needs i.e medical appointments, home maintenance, groceries etc.

When I reflect upon my future with my friends the situation is not as bright. I have been gradually strategizing ways to secure as much as independent future I can. Looking at independent or small group health plans (as I am self-employed), low-rise/townhouse-condos etc.

[Rockinonahigh]

I took care of my grannie and mom till both passed,it was something I didn't have a second thought about,now my son will take over my care when I get to the point it's needed.We talked about what if I need nurses care,well he said they can just come hear to see about you,no other option.I made sure he understood that elder care could be hard on body and soul and he said the same thing.As I get older I see how my grannie felt in lot's of ways,mom wen't out fighting till the end as I hope I can do...it just isn't easy no matter how it works out.

[DapperButch]

After my father's death I did extensive research into long term care insurance for my mother. She purchased a policy where either in-home care or assisted living will be covered for 6 years at a specific rate. On average, people die within 2-3 years of entering a facility, so she should be good. Being that she was able to purchase the policy with one lump sum, whatever she doesnt use gets passed to her heirs.

My goal is to purchase a long term care policy, as well.

I have no children. My partner TF, has a son, however, I think it is safest that we cover TF with a long term care policy, as well. If it works out that her son takes care of her (assuming I'm not), then he will reap the benefits of the unused long term care policy.

If TF is not in my life, I am pretty confident that my sister will make sure I am taken care of, even if for some reason she had to help financially. I am making the assumption that based on my medical history, plus my past/current lifestyle versus hers, I will become sick before she does.

Damn, this is a morbid thread!

[C0LLETTE]

For those interested in reading more about the issues facing Seniors in housing in the LGBTQ Community, have a look at the following link on Huffington post. It offers a fair number of articles, references to needs, studies, efforts being made:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tag/lgbt-seniors/

In some sense, the titles of the articles say it all. They refer to discrimination
( racial, homophobic), dire need, finances, and anything else you can think of that paints a gloomy picture outside of a few bright spots in a few larger urban centres.

But at least people are starting to seriously look at this issue.

[Andrea]

Rene and I are planning to move out of the US upon my retirement, which may be as soon as two plus years. It is less expensive to live in the countries we are considering. Also, health care can be less and in many cases better.

We have an agreement with my daughter to help her now, while she is going to school, and she will care for us in our later years. I suspect she would be willing even if we weren't supporting her and the kids now, but I enjoy holding that over her head.

In addition, she has blessed me with thirteen grandchildren (a bunch are adopted from two sibling groups) and the older ones have made an informed agreement to be there for us as well.

I worry more about having to live in Missouri, because that is where they are, than I worry about who will care for us when we need it.

I have been researching prepaid funeral policies and long-term care policies. We better not need either of these soon because I am practicing my procrastination skills about both.

[C0LLETTE]

Originally Posted by Andrea

Rene and I are planning to move out of the US upon my retirement, which may be as soon as two plus years. It is less expensive to live in the countries we are considering. Also, health care can be less and in many cases better.

We have an agreement with my daughter to help her now, while she is going to school, and she will care for us in our later years. I suspect she would be willing even if we weren't supporting her and the kids now, but I enjoy holding that over her head.

In addition, she has blessed me with thirteen grandchildren (a bunch are adopted from two sibling groups) and the older ones have made an informed agreement to be there for us as well.

I worry more about having to live in Missouri, because that is where they are, than I worry about who will care for us when we need it.

I have been researching prepaid funeral policies and long-term care policies. We better not need either of these soon because I am practicing my procrastination skills about both.

I am curious which countries you are considering. My own experience is that many, if not most, European countries, Australia, New Zealand etc. will not accept older "unqualified" immigrants ( ie not meeting family or employment qualifications) if they feel it will strain their health care system. Are you referring to places like Mexico or Costa Rica?

[SimpleAlaskanBoy]

This has been on my mind a lot as daisy faces a minor surgery this month. Neither of us are in the greatest health, her parents are elderly, mine are out of state...we are in a rural area that I'm pretty confident neither one of us is in love with, I think we only stay here because of the house and the cats and family. If those were not factors I am sure we would probably be out of Ohio altogether. However, eventually daisy is going to need a wheelchair ramp, and I know I won't be able to depend on her forever for transportation (I don't drive, myself) and as we age together our arthritis is just going to get worse, meaning we will need even more help keeping the house together. I do know if we are still together but not allowed to be together, that will destroy me.
And on that depressing note, one of the cats is meowing for attention and I suddenly need a cigarette. And probably sleep.
~SAB

[Kelt]

I am dealing with one part of the equation now. My folks need to sell their house and get into assisted living. This is not an arbitrary decision on my part, they have come to this conclusion on their own.

I live a thousand miles away, there are no siblings or relatives to help. My relationship with them is strained at best. To say I am in high research mode is an understatement. Though he would rather die than ask for help, my father is the one with the physical problems, my mother the mental issues.

I am trying to figure out if I should do this in several long distance trips or bite the bullet and just move to their area for a year and get them settled. Writing this down is largely academic, I know what the right thing to do is and I am trying to figure out how to do this and not throw myself under the bus at the same time. I am in the middle of medical issues myself and would have to walk away from treatment if I leave my state.

I also know that there are a lot of lessons ahead and I welcome (will be dragged into) both the opportunity to learn, boots on the ground style, what exactly needs to be done and how to do it. Sort of a dress rehearsal of things to come for myself. I think a chunk of this will be to put in place options for myself at the same time I set them up for my folks.

I have no partner, siblings, or relatives. I have a number of friends locally, but they are at the level where when I am gone, that will fade. I have already begun the process of looking into various housing options and locations and am in that 1-5 year establish "what will be" phase. This just puts a push on it.

Loads of questions and soon I will learn some answers, I'm certain I cannot predict any of this, so.... A big "see what happens, steer when possible" is where I am this week.

[Andrea]

Originally Posted by C0LLETTE

I am curious which countries you are considering. My own experience is that many, if not most, European countries, Australia, New Zealand etc. will not accept older "unqualified" immigrants ( ie not meeting family or employment qualifications) if they feel it will strain their health care system. Are you referring to places like Mexico or Costa Rica?

Both parts of Mexico and Costa Rica are on the short list, as well as Ecuador and Venezuela, and probably some others. We have agreed to live 3-6 months in different countries before settling down long term. There is a big difference between visiting and living in a place.

My research shows that most countries have income requirements when you do not meet family or employment requirements.

[RockOn]

I am single and without living relatives so here is the plan ...

Want to retire on about 5 acres in the country with 6+ dogs, as many cats and a backhoe so I can dig all I want when I want

I would have arrangements with 2 separate businesses and have to give both a call-in everyday ... the agreement would be if I don't call-in, they send help immediately to check on my pets, take each one to a pre-selected new forever home.

Then pull my carcass out of the pond. I probably fell off the backhoe, struck my head on a rock, rolled down the hill into the pond and drown.

Gosh, if it could only be that easy!

Oh ... and lots of chickens too. Chickens are soooo cool!

[Linus]

I think this is something that people need to consider well before hitting into one's 50s. Kinda like what you want done with yourself after you die.

Part of what I want to build and own now is where I want to retire and stay. My grandmother has lived on her own until she reached her early 80s. Then she decided to move into "assisted living". She still has her "own" apartment in the assisted living and gets around on her own (she drives still) but help is closer. With those genes, I expect to live into my 80s. And since most of my friends are online, I should be able to keep in touch via things like Skype (or whatever it will be at that point). I want to stay in my own home until I can no longer look after myself and am too much for K.

[Electrocell]

Personally I would rather stay independent as long as possible. Rather die at home then in a nursing home or assisted living place. Both are expensive and with nursing homes (at least in TN) they make you either sell your property to help pay for the care if social security doesn't cover it all. So you have nothing left to give to whomever you want to give it too. If you don't sell it at least 5 years before you go into the nursing home they will go after that money also if you have it in the bank. Then dole out an allowance for you.

Was told some really sad stories about nursing homes in the area I live in by people that actually live in them. Not to mention the smells you smell when you are in them. They are always short staffed and under paid. Around $1500.00 + a month.Assisted living you are looking at $3000.00 + a month.
So I will take my chances at home with my niece coming by and home healthcare help.

A lot of retired people are doing reverse mortgages so they can continue living at home. I own my place free and clear so that might be an option for me if my retirement isn't enough to take care of the bills etc.