The Aging Community: What Are Your Plans?

Kelt · 07-07-2014, 09:08 AM

I am dealing with one part of the equation now. My folks need to sell their house and get into assisted living. This is not an arbitrary decision on my part, they have come to this conclusion on their own.

I live a thousand miles away, there are no siblings or relatives to help. My relationship with them is strained at best. To say I am in high research mode is an understatement. Though he would rather die than ask for help, my father is the one with the physical problems, my mother the mental issues.

I am trying to figure out if I should do this in several long distance trips or bite the bullet and just move to their area for a year and get them settled. Writing this down is largely academic, I know what the right thing to do is and I am trying to figure out how to do this and not throw myself under the bus at the same time. I am in the middle of medical issues myself and would have to walk away from treatment if I leave my state.

I also know that there are a lot of lessons ahead and I welcome (will be dragged into) both the opportunity to learn, boots on the ground style, what exactly needs to be done and how to do it. Sort of a dress rehearsal of things to come for myself. I think a chunk of this will be to put in place options for myself at the same time I set them up for my folks.

I have no partner, siblings, or relatives. I have a number of friends locally, but they are at the level where when I am gone, that will fade. I have already begun the process of looking into various housing options and locations and am in that 1-5 year establish "what will be" phase. This just puts a push on it.

Loads of questions and soon I will learn some answers, I'm certain I cannot predict any of this, so.... A big "see what happens, steer when possible" is where I am this week.

Kelt · 08-29-2015, 04:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kelt

I am dealing with one part of the equation now. My folks need to sell their house and get into assisted living. This is not an arbitrary decision on my part, they have come to this conclusion on their own.

I live a thousand miles away, there are no siblings or relatives to help. My relationship with them is strained at best. To say I am in high research mode is an understatement. Though he would rather die than ask for help, my father is the one with the physical problems, my mother the mental issues.

I am trying to figure out if I should do this in several long distance trips or bite the bullet and just move to their area for a year and get them settled. Writing this down is largely academic, I know what the right thing to do is and I am trying to figure out how to do this and not throw myself under the bus at the same time. I am in the middle of medical issues myself and would have to walk away from treatment if I leave my state.

I also know that there are a lot of lessons ahead and I welcome (will be dragged into) both the opportunity to learn, boots on the ground style, what exactly needs to be done and how to do it. Sort of a dress rehearsal of things to come for myself. I think a chunk of this will be to put in place options for myself at the same time I set them up for my folks.

I have no partner, siblings, or relatives. I have a number of friends locally, but they are at the level where when I am gone, that will fade. I have already begun the process of looking into various housing options and locations and am in that 1-5 year establish "what will be" phase. This just puts a push on it.

Loads of questions and soon I will learn some answers, I'm certain I cannot predict any of this, so.... A big "see what happens, steer when possible" is where I am this week.

Well, this is interesting. I came back to this thread to post an article I ran across from The Atlantic: The Challenge of Being Transgender in a Nursing Home, and scanning it ran across my own old post.

A lot can happen in a year. I did move cross country in part to help them relocate (but from a safe distance). Before I really got settled myself my father had a massive stroke, lingered for two months in a nursing home and died.

I did, as I thought I would, learn a lot. Skilled nursing is a real concern, and even assisted living or retirement options, I hope I never need them. I've been seeing first hand how this whole thing works. My father failed physically and mother is having mental issues. Their home is on the market now, mother is in a campus style retirement community apartment, and my father never had to live in one.

The above article highlights what many of use whether trans, or some other part of lgbt community may have to deal with. I don't have all the answers yet but do have lawyers. With no family or partner it's up to me to sort this out, things like having a separate living will for assets so that I don't have to rely on some agency is key. There are so many more details to consider than I imagined. I'd rather do this informed than not though. I'm rambling because I'm not done yet and think it will take a while.

Dean Thoreau · 09-19-2015, 05:06 PM

What r my plans?

Having had to make some final decisions for the family members and living with the ...haunting of it, I really have no desire to subject my kids, grandkids, friends etc with those decisions so I have taken specific measures regarding those final plans no one wishes to talk about, but everyone needs to make.

Real simple did the Living Will thang, with lawyers and witnesses regarding my desires with a very strong statement that under NO circumstances is any person or entity to override the wishes as stated in my living will.
Oh my wishes are simple DNR...that means do not recessitate. nothing that prolongs life just weed, or some other "pain killer" to ease me into preparation for my next reincarnation.
After death, doctors can take anything they desire, then send me to the shake and bake..and mix the ashes with a few thousand dandelion seeds and toss em on some terribly perfect lawn.....
thankfully, my kids and grands have my outrageous sense of humor and wont have a problem doing the dandelion prank.

imperfect_cupcake · 09-19-2015, 07:38 PM

As soon as my practice is up and running, i will be getting long term care insurance as well as critical illness insurance.
My body is going to be donated to a medical learning facility. So no costs.
I am going to be living in a one bedroom flat probably about 450-650 square feet, in a central area with lots of transport links as soon as I can buy one. So I won't have to leave that till I have to.
I'm also putting money into rrsps for home care for a couple years if need be but I don't want to be on my own, unable to get to community and make new friends. I work in outreaches in dementia homes and they are pretty great. Clean, your own little bachelor pad, nursing on staff, hair dressers, movie screen for movie nights, outings twice a week plus bowling and bingo. I like the idea of staying social in a large city.

I have no kids and no siblings and no partner. It's up to me to plan for me and I wanna make sure I care for myself.

Kelt · 09-20-2015, 10:20 PM

I think a lot of us (myself included) have this pretty well thought out idea of what we want. The actual putting in place of things is a different story, I'm knee deep in guardianship law pertaining to my mother. (go ahead, try to find a guardian for an elder) Now that I have acquired her as pretty much a dependent who like me, has no other 'kin', the options for what happens to her if something happens to me are dismal. I also have to look at that as my own possible future.

Right now, I don't have an answer, the system is so overwhelmed as to be non-functional. When I started thinking about this I had no idea what to do, so I started reading. I'd like to recommend a very depressing but incredibly helpful book. It points out the pitfalls most gloss over.

A nuts and bolts look at what needs to happen to really make thing work. I read the first half of this in the nursing home, with all of my fathers perfectly crafted paperwork in hand, DNR, Directives, Statement letters...in a right-to-die-state, (where you cannot carry it out in any licensed facility) totally helpless to help him. A real life "All the king's horse's and all the kings men" situation.

I am bound and determined that this will not happen to either my mother, myself, or anyone else I care about in my life. One thing I know for sure, it's a whole lot more about people than money.

How's that for a happy little book recommendation.

09-19-2015, 05:06 PM	#3
Dean Thoreau Member How Do You Identify?: Ftm - Male- exfemale Preferred Pronoun?: He’s Him Relationship Status: Has a gf Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Philadelphia pa Posts: 889 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 251 Thanked 762 Times in 219 Posts Rep Power: 4529750	What r my plans? Having had to make some final decisions for the family members and living with the ...haunting of it, I really have no desire to subject my kids, grandkids, friends etc with those decisions so I have taken specific measures regarding those final plans no one wishes to talk about, but everyone needs to make. Real simple did the Living Will thang, with lawyers and witnesses regarding my desires with a very strong statement that under NO circumstances is any person or entity to override the wishes as stated in my living will. Oh my wishes are simple DNR...that means do not recessitate. nothing that prolongs life just weed, or some other "pain killer" to ease me into preparation for my next reincarnation. After death, doctors can take anything they desire, then send me to the shake and bake..and mix the ashes with a few thousand dandelion seeds and toss em on some terribly perfect lawn..... thankfully, my kids and grands have my outrageous sense of humor and wont have a problem doing the dandelion prank. __________________ Dean Thoreau

07-07-2014, 09:08 AM	#1
Kelt Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Beach Butch Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: SoCal Posts: 2,751 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 19,765 Thanked 15,279 Times in 2,538 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I am dealing with one part of the equation now. My folks need to sell their house and get into assisted living. This is not an arbitrary decision on my part, they have come to this conclusion on their own. I live a thousand miles away, there are no siblings or relatives to help. My relationship with them is strained at best. To say I am in high research mode is an understatement. Though he would rather die than ask for help, my father is the one with the physical problems, my mother the mental issues. I am trying to figure out if I should do this in several long distance trips or bite the bullet and just move to their area for a year and get them settled. Writing this down is largely academic, I know what the right thing to do is and I am trying to figure out how to do this and not throw myself under the bus at the same time. I am in the middle of medical issues myself and would have to walk away from treatment if I leave my state. I also know that there are a lot of lessons ahead and I welcome (will be dragged into) both the opportunity to learn, boots on the ground style, what exactly needs to be done and how to do it. Sort of a dress rehearsal of things to come for myself. I think a chunk of this will be to put in place options for myself at the same time I set them up for my folks. I have no partner, siblings, or relatives. I have a number of friends locally, but they are at the level where when I am gone, that will fade. I have already begun the process of looking into various housing options and locations and am in that 1-5 year establish "what will be" phase. This just puts a push on it. Loads of questions and soon I will learn some answers, I'm certain I cannot predict any of this, so.... A big "see what happens, steer when possible" is where I am this week.

09-19-2015, 07:38 PM	#4
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,712 Times in 1,611 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	As soon as my practice is up and running, i will be getting long term care insurance as well as critical illness insurance. My body is going to be donated to a medical learning facility. So no costs. I am going to be living in a one bedroom flat probably about 450-650 square feet, in a central area with lots of transport links as soon as I can buy one. So I won't have to leave that till I have to. I'm also putting money into rrsps for home care for a couple years if need be but I don't want to be on my own, unable to get to community and make new friends. I work in outreaches in dementia homes and they are pretty great. Clean, your own little bachelor pad, nursing on staff, hair dressers, movie screen for movie nights, outings twice a week plus bowling and bingo. I like the idea of staying social in a large city. I have no kids and no siblings and no partner. It's up to me to plan for me and I wanna make sure I care for myself.

09-20-2015, 10:20 PM	#5
Kelt Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Beach Butch Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: SoCal Posts: 2,751 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 19,765 Thanked 15,279 Times in 2,538 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I think a lot of us (myself included) have this pretty well thought out idea of what we want. The actual putting in place of things is a different story, I'm knee deep in guardianship law pertaining to my mother. (go ahead, try to find a guardian for an elder) Now that I have acquired her as pretty much a dependent who like me, has no other 'kin', the options for what happens to her if something happens to me are dismal. I also have to look at that as my own possible future. Right now, I don't have an answer, the system is so overwhelmed as to be non-functional. When I started thinking about this I had no idea what to do, so I started reading. I'd like to recommend a very depressing but incredibly helpful book. It points out the pitfalls most gloss over. A nuts and bolts look at what needs to happen to really make thing work. I read the first half of this in the nursing home, with all of my fathers perfectly crafted paperwork in hand, DNR, Directives, Statement letters...in a right-to-die-state, (where you cannot carry it out in any licensed facility) totally helpless to help him. A real life "All the king's horse's and all the kings men" situation. I am bound and determined that this will not happen to either my mother, myself, or anyone else I care about in my life. One thing I know for sure, it's a whole lot more about people than money. How's that for a happy little book recommendation.