Lesbian bed death?

[oboejive]

The relationship I am in (which I have been for more than 5 years) is lacking in sex although not intimacy. We are still really close, but my partner admits that she might have a sexual problem because she doesn't have any sexual desire. This upsets me, because I tend to internalize and am also still very sexually attuned. I'm not sure how to help it. We've tried talking about it and making a schedule for it, but it never happens. For those who have had issues with this, what have you tried that has helped?

[SleepyButch]

Originally Posted by oboejive

The relationship I am in (which I have been for more than 5 years) is lacking in sex although not intimacy. We are still really close, but my partner admits that she might have a sexual problem because she doesn't have any sexual desire. This upsets me, because I tend to internalize and am also still very sexually attuned. I'm not sure how to help it. We've tried talking about it and making a schedule for it, but it never happens. For those who have had issues with this, what have you tried that has helped?

Maybe thinking back to when your partner was sexual might help. What did she like? What turned her on? I don't know that planning sex is the best way to go as it seems like it becomes more of a chore at that point?? Maybe not but that's the way I might see it. Wear some sexy lingerie for her without telling her what you are doing. Play strip poker. See if she will let you give her a massage, relaxing her first and then maybe doing some things that she might consider sexy. Good luck to you and yours!

[SunnySonja]

What SleepyButch said really resonates with me. Sexual intimacy ebbs and flows just like our daily routines and schedules. Sometimes, at least for me, it's a priority and other times it's the last thing on my mind. And then at other times I conversely long for physical touch or may be repulsed by it. I think that dynamic occurs for so many reasons; age, stress, physical limitations (whether actual or perceived), to name a few.

If you are invested for the long haul, then be patient and love her up when and if she is receptive to it. And have fun but don't over-think things too much.

My few pennies.

[RockOn]

I generally have a high sex drive when partnered. Lesbian bed death only happened once that I know of. After some years, I found her ways becoming unattractive. When that happened, I no longer wanted to be sexual with her. Felt so guilty and bad about these confusing feelings for someone I had cared for at one time. Tried to hide it, which was wrong, by making myself once in a while only for her ... but that became really icky for me.
Had to part. It is really the person for me ... the whole person and not just a sexy body. It is her mind, the way she thinks, my not being bored with her conversation because it is not superficial.

my ramblings ...

[firegal]

I was. My lat 3 yrs relationship so non reliojish.

We don't enjoy I wish yer well I jut want her and me frock in ok!Z

[firegal]

Originally Posted by firegal

I was. My lat 3 yrs relationship so non reliojish.

We don't enjoy I wish yer well I jut want her and me frock in ok!Z

Good GAWD! I need to wear my glasses and turn the lights on..... To avoid the above!

[Sweet Bliss]

Originally Posted by firegal

I was. My lat 3 yrs relationship so non reliojish.

We don't enjoy I wish yer well I jut want her and me frock in ok!Z

This speaks volumes.

Speaking for myself only, when the emotional connection is severed, there is NO physical connection either. I must have an emotional connect.

However I understand that for some folks it's a physical issue. Hormones out of balance, disease, or injury. Depression is a biggie.

That said... it's kinda up to the individuals to decide a course of action or inaction.

[firegal]

Originally Posted by firegal

I was. My lat 3 yrs relationship so non reliojish.

We don't enjoy I wish yer well I jut want her and me frock in ok!Z

....ok glasses on,good lighting The interpretation is as follows I was in one that had 3yr of death bed, not a loving relationship, I had to move on and I wish her well. We both deserve to be in compassionate loving relationships!

PS Clay is that better .....

[oboejive]

Me too! I've always had a high sex drive, and everything was super peachy at the beginning of the relationship until it went *poof* and disappeared. Then, I began to internalize and wonder if it was me or was it her (and around and around I went in my head...thinking too much). Now, the question is how to bring it back and to do it in such a way that it was like when we first met, but if it can't happen, I guess if it doesn't end up being both ways, I'll have to re-evaluate.

Originally Posted by RockOn

I generally have a high sex drive when partnered. Lesbian bed death only happened once that I know of. After some years, I found her ways becoming unattractive. When that happened, I no longer wanted to be sexual with her. Felt so guilty and bad about these confusing feelings for someone I had cared for at one time. Tried to hide it, which was wrong, by making myself once in a while only for her ... but that became really icky for me.
Had to part. It is really the person for me ... the whole person and not just a sexy body. It is her mind, the way she thinks, my not being bored with her conversation because it is not superficial.

my ramblings ...

[oboejive]

True I can see how different circumstances can really play into a lack of sexual intimacy in general. Hmm...don't think too much...that is something I have to learn to definitely do. I guess that would be my biggest downfall sometimes.

Originally Posted by SunnySonja

What SleepyButch said really resonates with me. Sexual intimacy ebbs and flows just like our daily routines and schedules. Sometimes, at least for me, it's a priority and other times it's the last thing on my mind. And then at other times I conversely long for physical touch or may be repulsed by it. I think that dynamic occurs for so many reasons; age, stress, physical limitations (whether actual or perceived), to name a few.

If you are invested for the long haul, then be patient and love her up when and if she is receptive to it. And have fun but don't over-think things too much.

My few pennies.

[Kobi]

Originally Posted by oboejive

The relationship I am in (which I have been for more than 5 years) is lacking in sex although not intimacy. We are still really close, but my partner admits that she might have a sexual problem because she doesn't have any sexual desire. This upsets me, because I tend to internalize and am also still very sexually attuned. I'm not sure how to help it. We've tried talking about it and making a schedule for it, but it never happens. For those who have had issues with this, what have you tried that has helped?

I cant tell if you are saying the relationship was once sexual and now isnt or if you are saying it was never sexual.

If it was never sexual, you may want to check out Aven

[oboejive]

It was very sexual at first and she used to drink a lot but doesn't drink now. I don't know if it was the alcohol or what, but our sexual relationship banished despite the fact that I am frustrated and want to have sex with her only to hear that she's tired or she thinks she has a sexual disorder or the fact that she works between 60-70 hours a week, and we are like passerbys in the night.

Originally Posted by Kobi

I cant tell if you are saying the relationship was once sexual and now isnt or if you are saying it was never sexual.

If it was never sexual, you may want to check out Aven

[TruTexan]

Originally Posted by oboejive

The relationship I am in (which I have been for more than 5 years) is lacking in sex although not intimacy. We are still really close, but my partner admits that she might have a sexual problem because she doesn't have any sexual desire. This upsets me, because I tend to internalize and am also still very sexually attuned. I'm not sure how to help it. We've tried talking about it and making a schedule for it, but it never happens. For those who have had issues with this, what have you tried that has helped?

I don't know your ages, but hormones and depression can sure kill a sex drive. Could she be overly stressed out? It could be that too. Is she on any medication that has libido side effects? That could be something you might want to ask her? I dunno. Just my thoughts.

[oboejive]

She used to be on meds for depression but is no longer, but her job...it's totally stressful I can tell. She works as a clinical director for a substance abuse facility but was doing the job of clinical director and two therapists at once. It was nuts! She comes home exhausted a lot. I'm thinking this has a lot to do with it, but I keep trying to figure out the happy medium :\

Originally Posted by TruTexan

I don't know your ages, but hormones and depression can sure kill a sex drive. Could she be overly stressed out? It could be that too. Is she on any medication that has libido side effects? That could be something you might want to ask her? I dunno. Just my thoughts.

[Jane Bond]

Originally Posted by oboejive

The relationship I am in (which I have been for more than 5 years) is lacking in sex although not intimacy. We are still really close, but my partner admits that she might have a sexual problem because she doesn't have any sexual desire. This upsets me, because I tend to internalize and am also still very sexually attuned. I'm not sure how to help it. We've tried talking about it and making a schedule for it, but it never happens. For those who have had issues with this, what have you tried that has helped?

<<<

There are many books about rejuvenating one's sexual desire, and for waning desire with a specific mate there are couple's books, too. There also are some meditative, Eastern philosophy practices that apparently ramp things up. Some therapists specialize in revving up couples. My GYN suggested replacement hormones after menopause, but one was an icky smelling cream used vaginally and the others were pills that could cause breast cancer. Living together gives some people the sense that it's too easy; it's always there, so why panic? It's definitely a use it or lose it thing.
I think the trick is to choose a partner whose sexual energy turns you on (and vise versa) at the beginning. If it's not red hot in the beginning, it will never get much hotter from what I've seen, heard, read about and experienced. If both partners work hard to once again be the sexy beasts they were when they first started chasing one another, that's a start.
Also, my wife and I tried this thing she read about where on day one you don't get to touch but you make sure romance is in the air, with music and candles, etc. Next day you get to hold hands but nothing more. One night was really fun when we got to touch all we wanted but not with our hands. By the time we were free to do anything, we did everything. A lot.