Things you should never say on a date.

[cinnamongrrl]

Idk if I mentioned..

I had gone to get a drink for my "date" and I ...down a bleacher and what felt like a mile to concessions and waited in line....

A little later the popcorn in the stadium (twas a roller derby bout) was smelling super good... I turned to my "date" and told her I wanted popcorn and she said..well go on get you some!

Smh

[imperfect_cupcake]

Just out of curiosity, how do you talk about your experiences, travels, journeys and adventures you've had without mentioning your exes???? Do I just pretend I did them all on my own or... ?

[Gráinne]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

Just out of curiosity, how do you talk about your experiences, travels, journeys and adventures you've had without mentioning your exes???? Do I just pretend I did them all on my own or... ?

I usually say something like "I went basket weaving in Burma" without adding "...and my ex was there". Not that I've had all that many ex's, or that there's much story to tell, but especially on early dates, I tend to leave that off unless asked. Past relationships seem to come up as a new interest is getting "serious", in my experience (such as it is).

[imperfect_cupcake]

I guess that just seems wierd to me.
I don't say "I went to Guatemala"
I'm usually telling a story about something that actually happened. Like "when I was living Guatemala, there was this little girl named Maria age 10 who used to come and sell us breckfast, I often spent my breckfast with her and James did these cool little poitraits of her that she loved so she'd give me help with learning how to work the wood clay oven. Maria was a sharp little girl. You should have seen her face when she saw me using a machete. She rolled her eyes at me. She would up teaching both of us because James was worse than me. But now I can say I was taught how to use a machete by a 10 year old girl!"

Or I'll tell the story about how james and I went up the local volcano to get mescal spikes off the cacti and all the things that happened. And when I came back, James carved a little head into one and I used to put it through my tongue piercing hole to scare the little kids that used to play on our hammock for fun, but they were never scared, they just rolled their eyes at the gringo.

If I left the other person out of that story to make someon else feel comfortable and retell it like I was alone...? That seems really fucked up.

It seems misleading and bizarre to leave out the fact in that story my ex was with me.
Are people so delicate that the mere mention that I've had relationships and lovers and sex partners before them going to upset them?

I've only had two people out of many ever get upset that I've talked about exes. One wound up being extremely controlling and I wasn't allowed to bring up any male ex at all in a story (I was bisexual from 14-25) so I actually had to change them or not tell them. And the other had pretty heavy social anxiety and was very insecure about any and all of my exes. They were nervous I was comparing them to my exes and I finally broke things off because it made me nuts.

I've been dating, having sex partners and romantic partners since I was 14. I am 45. Most of my life have had other people in it. Most of my traveling and living involved other people. If it's ok to say I went to Berma with a friend there, and it's not ok to say I went to see a temple with someone I was having sex with and tell the story.... But I have to leave them out simply because our relationship included sex? Or maybe sex and romance? But it's ok to mention someone I *wasnt* having sex with? Even though the story has *no* sex in it??? That seems kinda fucked up and pretty weird. and frankly catering to someone's ideas about purity - like I've never been with someone before.

I've personally never had that problem on dates. And if someone asks me to not mention them, a red flag goes up for me about insecurity.

But perhaps it's because I love story exchange. Telling stories is how I communicate. It would seem like a bizzare lie of omission to tell it wrong. And the main reason I am with someone for company is to hear their stories. Their ideas. Their life. Hearing about their lovers and exes and play partners is just part of who they are for me. It's all people and experiences who made them who they are now. Leaving information out just because you had sex with that person seems pretty random to my mind.

[LOQUI]

...perhaps, if the story is tell as hb did, it might appears more easy to 'digest'?
...perhaps, the frequent use of the prefix ex in a statement is what might cause some hmm discomfort (?) in the other? If it is just another name, then it is up to your date to decide to explore a little bit more to find out whom ___name__ is or was? Idk...just pondering...

[JDeere]

Only tell small basic things and avoid ex talk as much as possible.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by JDeere

Only tell small basic things and avoid ex talk as much as possible.

So, incredibly, not me LOL.

[Gráinne]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

I guess that just seems wierd to me.
I don't say "I went to Guatemala"
I'm usually telling a story about something that actually happened. Like "when I was living Guatemala, there was this little girl named Maria age 10 who used to come and sell us breckfast, I often spent my breckfast with her and James did these cool little poitraits of her that she loved so she'd give me help with learning how to work the wood clay oven. Maria was a sharp little girl. You should have seen her face when she saw me using a machete. She rolled her eyes at me. She would up teaching both of us because James was worse than me. But now I can say I was taught how to use a machete by a 10 year old girl!"

Or I'll tell the story about how james and I went up the local volcano to get mescal spikes off the cacti and all the things that happened. And when I came back, James carved a little head into one and I used to put it through my tongue piercing hole to scare the little kids that used to play on our hammock for fun, but they were never scared, they just rolled their eyes at the gringo.

If I left the other person out of that story to make someon else feel comfortable and retell it like I was alone...? That seems really fucked up.

It seems misleading and bizarre to leave out the fact in that story my ex was with me.
Are people so delicate that the mere mention that I've had relationships and lovers and sex partners before them going to upset them?

I've only had two people out of many ever get upset that I've talked about exes. One wound up being extremely controlling and I wasn't allowed to bring up any male ex at all in a story (I was bisexual from 14-25) so I actually had to change them or not tell them. And the other had pretty heavy social anxiety and was very insecure about any and all of my exes. They were nervous I was comparing them to my exes and I finally broke things off because it made me nuts.

I've been dating, having sex partners and romantic partners since I was 14. I am 45. Most of my life have had other people in it. Most of my traveling and living involved other people. If it's ok to say I went to Berma with a friend there, and it's not ok to say I went to see a temple with someone I was having sex with and tell the story.... But I have to leave them out simply because our relationship included sex? Or maybe sex and romance? But it's ok to mention someone I *wasnt* having sex with? Even though the story has *no* sex in it??? That seems kinda fucked up and pretty weird. and frankly catering to someone's ideas about purity - like I've never been with someone before.

I've personally never had that problem on dates. And if someone asks me to not mention them, a red flag goes up for me about insecurity.

But perhaps it's because I love story exchange. Telling stories is how I communicate. It would seem like a bizzare lie of omission to tell it wrong. And the main reason I am with someone for company is to hear their stories. Their ideas. Their life. Hearing about their lovers and exes and play partners is just part of who they are for me. It's all people and experiences who made them who they are now. Leaving information out just because you had sex with that person seems pretty random to my mind.

I think that's different. I believe what's inappropriate and off-putting (for me, anyway) is a first or early date with someone who goes off on an ex, with every other sentence something like "Let me tell you what that *female dog* did to me...!" That makes me think that I'm the next target of her anger.

In HB's story, the ex happened to be there but wasn't the focus of the story-which was Guatemala in general and the little girl in particular. That wouldn't bother me.

I guess I could see myself saying "I did basket weaving in Burma with my then-partner (ex-husband, whatever), but personally I dislike talking about people who aren't present and possibly not in my life anymore. When the talk does come around to exes, I tend to talk about lessons learned and how I grew personally in the relationship, not about the other person. I think it's just personal preference.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Oh you mean when someone rants about a recent ex during a date when you've not talked to them before?
Ok, I can see that.
But to me that's not *mentioning* an ex.
And yeah, personal preference. Of course. I guess because I do talk to people a LOT before I go on a date, that the first date isn't really "an interview"
And I like personal life stories. With lots of detail. People are my books. I love their lives and their stories. Including their relationships, their travels, their loves, their failures, their successes in work/school/love... It's who they are. What they have lived.
i don't talk about "lessons" because that emotional content to me and to me that's quite personal. How I *feel* is reserved for further down the line. Stories are organic to me, they come up without reserve.

And most of my exes are in my life. They are my friends.

[SleepyButch]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

Oh you mean when someone rants about a recent ex during a date when you've not talked to them before?
Ok, I can see that.
But to me that's not *mentioning* an ex.
And yeah, personal preference. Of course. I guess because I do talk to people a LOT before I go on a date, that the first date isn't really "an interview"
And I like personal life stories. With lots of detail. People are my books. I love their lives and their stories. Including their relationships, their travels, their loves, their failures, their successes in work/school/love... It's who they are. What they have lived.
i don't talk about "lessons" because that emotional content to me and to me that's quite personal. How I *feel* is reserved for further down the line. Stories are organic to me, they come up without reserve.

And most of my exes are in my life. They are my friends.

I think it's great that most of your exes are friends. You probably started out that way so why not still be that afterwards. That is not the case for me and not because I hate any of them because I don't, it's just that we never kept in contact after the breakup. Well one is starting to email me again and so we may for some type of friendship. Who knows.

I do get that many of your life experiences occur when you are with your ex. That those times help shape you into the person you are now, whether they be good or bad. But for me personally, I don't want to hear about your ex this or your ex that when we are trying to first get to know each other. Sure, if you want to tell me about them down the line, I have no problem with that. I think that if you are on a date with me, let's talk about me and let's talk about you. I'm sure you have stuff you can tell me without bringing an ex into the mix.

And if you are talking about your ex every other sentence, we probably won't have a second date so go ahead and let it fly. I'll think you aren't over them and that will make me run far away. And if you bad mouth your ex, it will make me wonder how you will speak of me to others. Not a good sign either.