Pronouns

[Nat]

I went to a Queer Conference in Austin about 3 years ago, and there was a place by the entrance where they would hand you a nametag with your preferred pronoun already on it. I declined without thinking - since I'm relatively girly, live in a female-designated body and am cool with "she/her" pronouns.

In one of the workshops, it was pointed out that those who declined the pronoun-tag were most likely uknowingly exercising privilege.

That was an epiphany for me. I have the confidence that nobody would question which pronoun to use with me based on my gender presentation - and having that confidence is indeed a privilege.

My own experience of my gender is complex - or maybe simple - and I don't really feel like "she" applies to my insides as well as it applies to my outsides. "He" doesn't really cover everything in there either. I'm cool with "she" - it covers my outsides just fine and it corresponds with my lived experience too.

I've experienced so much stress trying to keep track of other people's pronouns, memorizing who will get offended by which - even people I barely know at all. It's not the pronoun that stresses me - it's the risk of offense. Mostly, I find the stress of possibly angering or disrespecting people with an inadvertant incorrect pronoun to be very exhausting.

Also, I have struggled when dating people with male pronouns - struggled with how to refer to them when speaking to others. Struggled with whether to respect the pronoun - effectively closeting myself - or to respect my own identity as an out lesbian by altering that pronoun when referring to my mate - or to give the quick run-down of the gender of the person I'm dating so as to try to respect both (and that ends up feeling the opposite of respectful). Or, I go back to the pronoun game - that closet game where you avoid all pronouns completely. I find it exhausting. I'd manage it if my gf decided she'd rather be my bf, but in the meantime, I am somewhat relieved to have some time and space where I don't feel stuck between the disrespecting-my-partner's-id rock and the disrespecting-my-own-id hard place.

I think the greater issue with all that (for me) might boil down to femme invisibility and just not having been out of the closet for that long. It's like I'm still afraid I could be shoved back in there. If I were a butch, I could call my partner anything I wanted, and it wouldn't put me in the closet so easily. I feel like often femmes are expected to always put the feelings of those of the more masculine persuasions ahead of our own. But then, that may be my own internalized misogyny I'm responding to.

Because of all that (above), I have pretty much decided to accept all pronouns. I might not know whom you're talking about if you refer to me as "he" or "zie" but I'm down with whatever. I want to live in the impossible-to-offend-with-pronouns zone and I'm happy to do my best to memorize and respect others' pronoun choices as long as I can be relatively assured to be left in peace if I occasionally screw it up.

[StoneFinn]

Originally Posted by Nat

Also, I have struggled when dating people with male pronouns - struggled with how to refer to them when speaking to others. Struggled with whether to respect the pronoun - effectively closeting myself - or to respect my own identity as an out lesbian by altering that pronoun when referring to my mate - or to give the quick run-down of the gender of the person I'm dating so as to try to respect both (and that ends up feeling the opposite of respectful). Or, I go back to the pronoun game - that closet game where you avoid all pronouns completely. I find it exhausting. I'd manage it if my gf decided she'd rather be my bf, but in the meantime, I am somewhat relieved to have some time and space where I don't feel stuck between the disrespecting-my-partner's-id rock and the disrespecting-my-own-id hard place.

Nat-- I snipped down your wonderful post because I want to address directly the above point you made. Thank you for the overall post-- but for now, my thoughts on this part...

I prefer male pronouns-- as I ID trans-male. My partner, when she refers to me in the "introductory phases" of situations such as a new role (work), or similar situations, will use "she". This does NOT bother me.

Why should it? She is my partner, and for her, referring to me as "she" in the beginning is a good way for her to not be closeted. There will be people who become either a close acquaintance or a friend, and they start to know me as "he". To me, I am not hung up about it.

In these situations-- I do not ever meet the majority of these people, but my partner works with them on a daily basis. For me, what is important is her comfort, and her freedom to be herself, which includes not being closeted- intentionally or incidentally, and that will win out over a pronoun.

For me, I don't see this as being "disrespectful" of me, my identity, or anything else along those lines. We are partners-- it is a give and take, and we support each other. She supports me in so many subtle ways, and so many not so subtle ways and I do my very best to show her the same support and respect in turn.



Otherwise-- I am older now than I was before... things that seemed oh so very important and oh so very needed of me to huff and puff about... now... now they just don't seem so important. I have mellowed. If someone calls me "Ma'am" I am not going to flip. It rarely happens.

The nice woman down at the Vinnies store calls my partner and I "ladies". I am not going to get upset-- she is a very Christian woman, who happens to adore my partner and I and has no issue with us as a queer couple what-so-ever... nor me in how I physically present, and we consider a friend and part of our extended family.

I don't think she would really be able to call me anything different, but I know she would try, and it would bring a stress of struggling to not mess up on her part into the dynamics of our friendship... that to me just isn't worth it.

The couple down at the Garden Center.. who we also consider friends and call Mr and Mrs Pants... have always referred to me in male terms-- and I never had to address this with them...

To me-- these are just part of the balances of life, and every single one of them makes me smile.

[Diavolo]

Just don't call me late for dinner and I'm good.

[Kobi]

Pronouns never meant much to me until I started being mistaken for a male both on the phone and in person. Buying a new lift and separate bra didnt help either!

I appreciate when people acknowledge me as a woman cuz I am! And I like when they ask what I prefer rather than assuming I identify as something I am not.

[waxnrope]

Every since I was a teen, I was frequently addressed as sir. I think that this is partly because I am uncommonly tall for a woman, and some people, not entirely conscious, will see tall and put 2 and 5 together and come up with 4.
As I've matured, I think that I'm kinda proud that people address me as sir. It doesn't really matter too much what I'm called in terms of gender ... I know who I am.