I am getting married and I am clueless......HELP!!!

[Gemme]

Congratulations!

[Orema]

Best wishes to the happy couple!

[Violette]

Yes, Best Wishes!

[Ginger]

I'm hearing all your anxiety about what to wear.

It's hard enough to plan a wedding when a person fits into the male/female dichotomy set up for weddings. I mean, if you were butch or femme identified, you'd have plenty of templates to fit into that you could then tweak to make your own. You could be butch/femme, butch/butch, femme/femme—whatever matched.

But you're "just yourselves." You're not really into dresses, not really into tuxes—

So just follow your gut! Explore and play with the options. I think it will be fun.

[FireSignFemme]

I’ve helped with planning many, many weddings some very traditional and fairly elaborate others more simple. I’ve also attended many non-traditional weddings - very simple to extremely elaborate ones that I didn’t have a part in planning and from experience I can tell you either way none of that in the final analysis seems to matter. All of the people I have seen the happiest on their wedding day and in the immediate months that followed, who were glowing the most, had this one thing in common – they all incorporated within their means elements into the ceremony that had deep personal meaning to them.

I’d encourage you to take a quiet time one day to grab pen and paper and sit back and think, jotting down notes as you go about not putting down so much what people say you must get for a wedding, as what kinds of things it is from the earliest age on up that have always managed to make you the happiest, smile the most, left you feeling the most joy and then try to pull some of those elements into your special day while sticking to one general theme so as to not leave everything looking cluttered.

Happy weddings happen when people who plan them think about what makes their spirits soar and then build from there. They don’t so much do a wedding that suits them as they manage rather instead to craft and design one that expresses them, you see? Take this potluck theme for example if this is something you feel you need to do, settle for because of cost or expense then I would say don’t because this will add, contribute to a sense of disquiet and feeling of unrest on what is supposed to be ideally one of the happiest days of your life. If you aren’t really heart and soul into a potluck don’t do it.

But if that’s what you feel pulled towards, it speaks to you then you definitely should. Some people really like potlucks, truly enjoy them as they remind them of good times, good food, good comfort, good conversation, they like the simplicity, and some even enjoy the element of surprise it can introduce if they are a person/part of a couple who enjoys spontaneity. If that resonates with you then do it. Yes there can be problems with it but trust me on this there can be problems galore with caterers too. Don’t I know it!

Look the main thing is only you know the amount of work both leading up to, prior to the event and on the day of your wedding you want to shoulder. If it seems a lot more work than you can manage yourself them it might mean asking for help from someone a mother a sister a friend to help you coordinate. You’re right you don’t want to impose on your friends to buy you all sorts of stuff but it’s perfectly okay if you are getting married to turn to friends and family members you can rely on, trust, to help with you with certain tasks. Also it’s not an either or proposition thing all catered or all pot luck. You can have certain elements, parts catered, and certain parts you take on yourself or ask friends to bring. You can use some of your own items and rent and borrow others.

Who will set up the tables for you who will provide the tablecloth/napkins, who will set out the plates and the cutlery and the other serve ware, who will arrange the condiments, who will direct guests where to put dishes, manage the ovens for certain things that will arrive hot and need to stay warmed or arrive cold and need to be warmed, who will refill things as they run out, who will clear plates/remove empty things who will put away deal with left overs, see dishes get returned to rightful owners and so on. You do really want to try and make sure on your special day it isn’t you who is stuck doing or overseeing most of the behind the scenes drudge work but whatever to you doesn’t seem to be drudgery or too much work to take on by all means if it’s practical for you to do and makes you happy do it then do it.

Another thing to consider, even though you don’t want or need it to be anything elaborate or formal it’s a momentous occasion and as such it should be special. So then the challenge becomes what to do to elevate what could be an ordinary potluck into one more meangingful/special without at the same time becoming what you would find overwhelming, tedious and/or burdensome. Not everything need be new or rented or spendy. When it comes to weddings sentimental is good and things that bring to mind good memories are best.

You can have a potluck any day for game day, after church, as part of a barbeque but you’re not going to have for those types of events your mother’s punch bowl, your grandmother’s platter, those candlesticks loaned to you by your closest friend – whatever. I’m not saying you need those specific things to elevate it, I’m just using those things as examples but you get the point – that’s the goal, the key I think to keep in mind how to take what could be an ordinary thing and transform it into something a little bit special. Ask yourself what would make this more than just any ordinary potluck without taxing me too terribly?

If you say well that’s all good and fine but I have no one to loan me or I wouldn’t feel comfortable asking then you might want to consider what are three to five main things that need to be special go right at this potluck table for you to feel you have reached your goal, met your objective in terms of making things memorable. Then come up with a plan. Say you think everything else could be plain but if you could have some nice candle holders, flowers and your cake served on special plates or interesting ones -that would suffice satisfy you, then you can determine how much you can afford to spend on those items then save and shop accordingly. If the work must mostly be borne done by you if it’s a potluck you want that doesn’t mean don’t do it but rather instead you will probably have to think about how to spread that work out, how to gradually do it in stages so it doesn’t all fall to be done last minute by you on the actual day of your ceremony.

Depending on what funds you have to work with for the things you need you might shop consignment store, second hand, discount sellers, craigslist, ebay, houseware outlet stores, party supply stores, department store closeouts or even shopping at some very to more spendy places depending on how are able to combine various incentives, awards, sales, promotions. Another idea is if people ask you what you want for any birthdays, holidays other gift giving occasions that might be coming up you might ask either for specific items you would use for your wedding or for gift cards to places where you might buy things for your wedding either in person or online if you typically receive gift cards from loved ones for those occasions.

The main thing to keep in mind is it’s your day and you don’t have to do what would be practical or special or meaningful to anybody else it just has to work for you. Maybe someone else would prefer to not work so much but another person would rather do a little more work herself in order to save more of what money , funds are available to spend on other things, things more important to her like flowers, music, decorations, good wine or whatever - various things are important to different people. Just because something is critical to others doesn’t mean it has to be for you. For example as much as some people care a great deal about a cake I’ve been to weddings without them that were completely lovely and every bit as romantic and special to the couple as any wedding done with one.

Again not saying don’t have one, it’s just it can be however you make it. I would much rather have a wedding that was not as fancy, and allowed me to have everyone I truly cared about there and feeling relaxed and comfortable, happy and enjoying themselves than I would care to have to go smaller to make things fancier and perhaps not be able to invite people I really wanted to or risk winding up planning something more formal than what many people I now know would care for would feel uncomfortable attending. Just because I definitely know how to do a very done up wedding do, doesn’t mean I would do it that way because the other really important part of a good wedding is considering the true needs of your guests.

I think the main thing is to not allow yourself to feel peer pressured into doing things you don’t feel speak to, resonate with you or spending more than what you can actually afford, or maybe can afford but just feel would be a waste of money given how many other more important useful lasting things could be done instead with that same amount of cash. Whatever it is you ultimately wind up deciding to do I know as long as in doing what you do you are honest, authentic and true to yourself then not only will you have a pleasurable and enjoyable day, when all is said and done, later years down the line when you think back on it you'll be able to look back to that day with feelings of fondness and warm remembrance.

Anyhow hope this helps, keep us posted and if you find yourself short on ideas or just want to vent feel free to mention it here or PM me any time you like and I will try and assist help you all I can, good luck.