Making Amends...Question/Input request

[pajama]

Hi everyone. I am looking for some positive feedback on an issue I have come across.

Briefly - I had two very close friends years ago that we had a major altercation and haven't spoken in years. What was done doesn't really matter, we all contributed in some way. I feel I was wronged and I hold a grudge. (Good, bad, mature, or not, it is how I am.) We do not speak, have not in over six years, do not communicate with each other.

Today I received an e-mail from one of them saying she had stopped drinking and smoking (weed) and was working a program. She is making amends and apologized for her part in what happened. Basically apologizing for judging me.

Here is my dilemma. I am all for someone working their program and recovery. So I want to acknowledge this step and apology. But did I mention I hold a grudge? I don't feel I can say "I accept your apology". I am not at a place yet to forgive (hell I'm still holding a grudge against someone else that's over 20 years old, so our 6-7 years isn't even a start yet).

I don't want to ignore it, or be a bitch or throw it in her face. I may not respect or like her, but I respect the hell out of the program. And for that I feel I must respond.

Would some of you please share with me if you ever had anyone not accept your apology. Or what would be a supportive way to respond to this?

While some of you may feel just forgiving her is the solution, that's not an option. While you're free to express that opinion, it really won't help me in this situation and help is what I'm asking for.

Thanks to any that feel like replying.

A

[SleepyButch]

Originally Posted by pajama

Hi everyone. I am looking for some positive feedback on an issue I have come across.

Briefly - I had two very close friends years ago that we had a major altercation and haven't spoken in years. What was done doesn't really matter, we all contributed in some way. I feel I was wronged and I hold a grudge. (Good, bad, mature, or not, it is how I am.) We do not speak, have not in over six years, do not communicate with each other.

Today I received an e-mail from one of them saying she had stopped drinking and smoking (weed) and was working a program. She is making amends and apologized for her part in what happened. Basically apologizing for judging me.

Here is my dilemma. I am all for someone working their program and recovery. So I want to acknowledge this step and apology. But did I mention I hold a grudge? I don't feel I can say "I accept your apology". I am not at a place yet to forgive (hell I'm still holding a grudge against someone else that's over 20 years old, so our 6-7 years isn't even a start yet).

I don't want to ignore it, or be a bitch or throw it in her face. I may not respect or like her, but I respect the hell out of the program. And for that I feel I must respond.

Would some of you please share with me if you ever had anyone not accept your apology. Or what would be a supportive way to respond to this?

While some of you may feel just forgiving her is the solution, that's not an option. While you're free to express that opinion, it really won't help me in this situation and help is what I'm asking for.

Thanks to any that feel like replying.

A

How about not even addressing the apology and just saying something like I'm happy to see you take steps to make your life better. Isn't that what the apology is about? Part of the program? That way you acknowledge her progress but don't have to accept the apology.

Just a thought anyway.

[JDeere]

I am dealing with this issue myself, as of 3 days ago. I feel similar to you about not accepting the apology and holding grudges.

However, I have had someone not accept my apology, it hurt me to be honest, because that person was very special to me, at one time.

I hope you find what you are needing, just know you aren't alone.

[Keep Smilin]

Originally Posted by pajama

Hi everyone. I am looking for some positive feedback on an issue I have come across.

Briefly - I had two very close friends years ago that we had a major altercation and haven't spoken in years. What was done doesn't really matter, we all contributed in some way. I feel I was wronged and I hold a grudge. (Good, bad, mature, or not, it is how I am.) We do not speak, have not in over six years, do not communicate with each other.

Today I received an e-mail from one of them saying she had stopped drinking and smoking (weed) and was working a program. She is making amends and apologized for her part in what happened. Basically apologizing for judging me.

Here is my dilemma. I am all for someone working their program and recovery. So I want to acknowledge this step and apology. But did I mention I hold a grudge? I don't feel I can say "I accept your apology". I am not at a place yet to forgive (hell I'm still holding a grudge against someone else that's over 20 years old, so our 6-7 years isn't even a start yet).

I don't want to ignore it, or be a bitch or throw it in her face. I may not respect or like her, but I respect the hell out of the program. And for that I feel I must respond.

Would some of you please share with me if you ever had anyone not accept your apology. Or what would be a supportive way to respond to this?

While some of you may feel just forgiving her is the solution, that's not an option. While you're free to express that opinion, it really won't help me in this situation and help is what I'm asking for.

Thanks to any that feel like replying.

A

I have had this happen in my 9th step work. I too respect the program and the growth it takes to attempt an amense. An amense does not have to be accepted to be considered a "success". We make them as a part of our healing process not necessarily as a way to "mend fences". Our healing is in the sincerity of offering the amense. What someone does with it, how they react or wheat her they accept it is out of our control. The outcome is just what it is and learning to accept that some of the pain we caused may not be "fixable" is part of our process. Not everything comes out roses sometimes the damage is done unfortunately. Usually someone making an amense is working with a sponsor and they have prepared them for the possibility it might not work. They will also help them with any fallout emotionally.

So I say.. Be as gentle as possible and respectful if you can but most of all be HONEST. Honesty heals both sides no matter how "bad" it may Feel at the time. Be true to yourself and don't say things you don't mean. Honor the program and the step work by taking part in the process with your friend or ex- friend.

Hope this is helpful to you! Hang in there!

[*Anya*]

I can only give feedback as someone that has heard my clients working their program and making their own amends.

Frequently, they will tell me that someone that they cared about heard or received their amends.

Many of my clients do not expect forgiveness-depending on how badly that they burned a particular bridge.

A simple, "Thank you for telling me", is all that they heard in return and for many; it was all that they needed to hear.

[candy_coated_bitch]

In my opinion, you shouldn't force yourself to forgive someone or accept their apology if you don't. I've had falling outs with certain people in my past that I don't think I'd ever really want to forgive, per se. So I get it. You have a right to your feelings. Forgiveness is kind of a tricky subject but I'm pretty sure it's not something you can FORCE yourself to do. It doesn't sound like you want that.

I would say if you feel you really must acknowledge the email do so in a short, genuine way that feels comfortable to you. You can acknowledge that they are doing important work for themselves without having to necessarily be accepting of what they are telling you. I would probably say something along the lines of being glad they are in the program and taking important steps to improve their life and wish them luck. Why even address the incident that happened at all?

[princessbelle]

I want to first say i have absolutely no knowledge of the "steps" of these programs but being in health care i do know they work and they are healing and are wonderful with the majority of good outcomes for most people. So, i mean no disrespect and am only speaking from my own perspective.

Having said that, i also know that i've seen, for myself personally, they can do harm. Case in point; someone i knew, long, long ago, proclaimed to be "coming clean" with their conscience in a "step" program and asked for forgiveness for something that was a total lie and never happened. I know this makes no sense. It didn't to me either. But, at the same time it caused hurt. I don't think that these steps to recovery of any type are ever intended to hurt another and if they do, you are doing it wrong. Maybe i'm totally wrong about it, but it just wouldn't make sense if you can cause hurt or harm to another while making yourself better.

So, my dear Pajama, *my* humble advice is this...don't give it much thought. Whoever this person is, it's their path to ask for forgiveness and move into recovery. That does not translate into your obligation to succumb to an acceptance of forgiveness or even acknowledgement of the intent. It's "their journey", apparently they are doing the right things for THEM, and i wish them well as i know you do. They have accomplished what they needed to do. It's not your cross to bear. Walk away from said email and ....Let it be.

[QueenofSmirks]

Would it feel more comfortable / truthful for you to say "I appreciate your apology" along with whatever else you want to say? I share others' sentiments about your own feelings being valid, and I applaud your honesty and trying to be true to yourself.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Forgiveness means you do not expect "payment" for something you are owed. You can forgive someone and want nothing to do with them. People seem to think forgiveness means kittens and butterflys. It doesn't. It just means you no longer want something from them in reparation for damages. Doesn't mean you want anything to do with them.
Personally, if you want to be supportive and don't want to hurt them? but you just don't trust them to interact with them? sounds like you already have forgiven them their debt. You just have no desire to be their friend.

Two different things.

I personally wouldn't acknowledge the email. The email is actually not for you. It for them to do the hard work of acknowledging what they have done and how it impacts others and to apologise sincerely. A sincere apology is not made with an agenda. It's not made to fix anything or repair relationships. A sincere apology is an acknowledgement of damage.

Recently someone apologised to me for some very unacceptable behaviour. I said "yes, I expect you are quite embarrassed and sorry. That was pretty shit. I'd be embarrassed and sorry too" I was under no obligation to make them feel better about acting like an idiot. I forgave them in the sense I did not want anything from them to make up for their behaviour. But I no longer wanted anything to do with them in a certain aspect of my life. I forgave, but I don't trust and have no want or use. I wish them well, but I have no desire to interact past a certain level.
Your friend's apology is their own business. You don't even have to acknowledge it if you don't want to. If you do, then just say what you mean. You are glad they are in recovery. You wish them well. That's it.

[Mel C.]

Pajama mama, the nice thing about email is you get to respond (or not) at your convenience. Even better, you can edit your response. My guess is that this is gnawing at you and it won't be easy to let it go until you get some resolution. Perhaps writing a letter or email without sending them until you can sleep on it??? I would probably alternate from bitchy and vindictive to compassionate and caring, but where I stop, nobody knows. Not clicking on send gives me time to edit and hopefully do what is right for me.

You are one of my favorite people. You will do what is "right," whatever that is. Big ole smooches!

[Gemme]

I hear what some are saying about not responding at all and, no, you don't have an obligation to respond to the email but it feels shitty to me to not at least acknowledge it. That doesn't mean acquiescing to it but we are human creatures and it's hurtful when someone reaches out, for whatever reason, to be rejected or ignored.

Having said that, there was a time when someone sent me an email and I. Just. Didn't. Know. What. To. Do. With. It.

Awkward and frustrating times 1000.

I was at a complete loss so I didn't do anything.

And I feel shitty about it but it's too late now.

Sooooo.....that's my looking glass that I'm seeing this through.

I think Sleepy and QueenofSmirks' advise was closest to what I might do. Acknowledge the effort, because it does take effort and most people would not take it lightly opening up old wounds. But no, you don't have to forgive. I'm not a forgiving person and I do hold grudges myself and I don't think that that has stunted my personal growth or harmed me. You have to be true to yourself.

How about this?

"I appreciate your apology. I'm glad you are taking steps to get happier and healthier and wish you good luck in your journey."

That is, assuming you are glad they are not as douchy as they once were and that you do wish them well.

If not, then a simple, "I appreciate your apology. Good luck." might work too.

[pajama]

Running out the door to work, but wanted to thank everyone for their input. You have all provided me some wonderful, unique, takes on the situation. I truly appreciate your willingness to share.

Thank you all!
A

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Gemme

I hear what some are saying about not responding at all and, no, you don't have an obligation to respond to the email but it feels shitty to me to not at least acknowledge it. That doesn't mean acquiescing to it but we are human creatures and it's hurtful when someone reaches out, for whatever reason, to be rejected or ignored.

Hey Gemme!

This is totally an aside, so please excuse pyjamas.

A couple of years ago I would have agreed with you. However, after a shit ton of work on my codependany stuff, I no longer feel any responsibility for other people's feelings of hurt. Meaning, I understand that something I can say can or do can influence how someone feels, but I feel no responsibility to solve or fix or make things easier/softer for facing up to people's own stuff.

It's really up to someone else to care take their own feelings, especially if I have been estranged from them or I don't know them well.

If my "no response" is what I personally wish to do, I'm well aware this may feel extremely uncomfortable and even painful to the person making an apology. But that is their work to do, and personally, I no longer see it as any of my biz. I feel a lot healthier and happier and emotionally cleaner for it.

That someone who I no longer wish to interact with will be hurt by me not answering a letter of apology? That's ok. They can be hurt. That's their work and pain to figure out. If I am not willing to interact with them, that's just how it is. Sometimes the work is like chewing down on a cup of cold sick. If I can do it, so can they. I have every confidence in their ability to deal with it.

I know that's not quite what you ment. But I think allowing people to feel hurt and not doing things to save them from hurt is not always the best thing to do. A true apology expects no forgiveness or even acknowledgement.

I guess at the root of it I sincerely feel after a no acceptance or aknowledge ment is: The work for them after that point is to forgive themselves and that's nothing I can help with nor any of my biz. And that's harder work than someone else forgiving you.

[PatrickIver]

I am with Gemme on this one. I think just acknowledging the email and saying, thank you and good luck on your journey. It needs to be no more than that as it clear you are not ready to go there. As for the other person, she is taking the steps to better herself and part of that is trying to "tie off some loose ends" (so to speak) from the past. It is not about you making things easier or better for this person on that journey. I also agree with Gemme that just not acknowledging it, would be hinky. It appears you are a better person than that, given you have thought enough about it to come here and ask for advice. Bravo, for doing that.

Bottom line, I do not think it needs to go into being a "big thing".

[imperfect_cupcake]

< hinky and not a better person.

And I'm pretty ok with that too

[Mel C.]

I'm hi king that I would regret ignoring the apology AND I would regret acting as if it was fine and dandy to treat me like poo. I'd respond but not in a way that seems like the door is open. This would have been much harder if the apology was in person. Yay again for the power of the written word.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Mel C.

I'm hi king that I would regret ignoring the apology AND I would regret acting as if it was fine and dandy to treat me like poo. I'd respond but not in a way that seems like the door is open. This would have been much harder if the apology was in person. Yay again for the power of the written word.

I think it's best to act in the way one feels most respectful of self in, rather than worrying about the other person, or putting their feelings first. And if that's how you would feel best, then I think that's the best way forward.

[Orema]

I hold grudges, too, and something similar happend to me, though she wasnt in a "program"

I would respond quickly and honestly so that I could move on.

I'd say I appreciate your apology and am happy you're in a program to help you work out some things, but I'm unable to forgive you.

Wishing you success,
Sign off.

If she is sincere, she will understand and not write back.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Orema

I hold grudges, too, and something similar happend to me, though she wasnt in a "program"

I would respond quickly and honestly so that I could move on.

I'd say I appreciate your apology and am happy you're in a program to help you work out some things, but I'm unable to forgive you.

Wishing you success,
Sign off.

If she is sincere, she will understand and not write back.

Clarity is fabulous too!

[TruTexan]

IMO: I'd just not answer that email one way or another. Once someone burns that bridge with me, it's burnt and I don't respond to nothing they say.
However, you aren't me and I'm not you, so it's all up to you in how you choose to deal with this. I don't sugar coat nothing for anyone. I'm capable of forgiving but not forgetting and that is something that will stay with me forever when you burn a bridge with me.