Making Amends...Question/Input request

[Keep Smilin]

Originally Posted by pajama

Hi everyone. I am looking for some positive feedback on an issue I have come across.

Briefly - I had two very close friends years ago that we had a major altercation and haven't spoken in years. What was done doesn't really matter, we all contributed in some way. I feel I was wronged and I hold a grudge. (Good, bad, mature, or not, it is how I am.) We do not speak, have not in over six years, do not communicate with each other.

Today I received an e-mail from one of them saying she had stopped drinking and smoking (weed) and was working a program. She is making amends and apologized for her part in what happened. Basically apologizing for judging me.

Here is my dilemma. I am all for someone working their program and recovery. So I want to acknowledge this step and apology. But did I mention I hold a grudge? I don't feel I can say "I accept your apology". I am not at a place yet to forgive (hell I'm still holding a grudge against someone else that's over 20 years old, so our 6-7 years isn't even a start yet).

I don't want to ignore it, or be a bitch or throw it in her face. I may not respect or like her, but I respect the hell out of the program. And for that I feel I must respond.

Would some of you please share with me if you ever had anyone not accept your apology. Or what would be a supportive way to respond to this?

While some of you may feel just forgiving her is the solution, that's not an option. While you're free to express that opinion, it really won't help me in this situation and help is what I'm asking for.

Thanks to any that feel like replying.

A

I have had this happen in my 9th step work. I too respect the program and the growth it takes to attempt an amense. An amense does not have to be accepted to be considered a "success". We make them as a part of our healing process not necessarily as a way to "mend fences". Our healing is in the sincerity of offering the amense. What someone does with it, how they react or wheat her they accept it is out of our control. The outcome is just what it is and learning to accept that some of the pain we caused may not be "fixable" is part of our process. Not everything comes out roses sometimes the damage is done unfortunately. Usually someone making an amense is working with a sponsor and they have prepared them for the possibility it might not work. They will also help them with any fallout emotionally.

So I say.. Be as gentle as possible and respectful if you can but most of all be HONEST. Honesty heals both sides no matter how "bad" it may Feel at the time. Be true to yourself and don't say things you don't mean. Honor the program and the step work by taking part in the process with your friend or ex- friend.

Hope this is helpful to you! Hang in there!