Making Amends...Question/Input request

[GeorgiaMa'am]

I agree that a brief "thank you, best wishes" response is probably best. Although you could take the opportunity to express your honest feelings that you are not ready to forgive, and that you respect the program, etc., anything of that nature may only invite re-involvement. I wouldn't want to encourage this person to reply with anything like more apologies, or blame, or explanations, or rehashing of past issues; so I wouldn't "add any fuel to the fire" by giving them something to react to.

Good luck. I wish for you a lack of drama.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Femnadian, I enjoyed that post. I personally do not want amends of any sort from those I have excused myself from. I always leave the door ajar for people to come back unless I have been more than pateint and tolerant (see previous reference to my past codependancy behaviours). That has left me vulnerable to all kinds of binge drinkers, alcoholics, drug addicts, narcissists and all sorts. Because I didn't protect and care for myself first. I always put thoughts about others peoples feelings before my own.

But surely being kind and considering someone else's possible hurt feelings is the right thing to do. Momma always raised me to be a polite girl first, above all else.

Which of course, I inherited a lot of codependancy behaviour from.

I personally do not think knowing your own boundaries, taking care of yourself and doing what's best for you *first* is holding a grudge. Holding a grudge means you are still angry, you want some kind of payment even if it's just that the other person suffers quietly in a mud puddle after being shot onto an asteroid and never to return.

I don't hold grudges. I'm not that kind of person. Occasionally I will feel that way for a while, then I will do my own work, get over myself eventually and move on. However, I have given people in my life far too many third and fourth and fifth chances. If it's one of those people who have given me years of damage, in which it has taken me *years* of work to move on from, or I have put up with narcissistic personality collateral damage... No. They do not get a letter from me. Granted I have only *once* in my whole life had someone ask me for forgiveness and tried to make amends for the damages he caused.

But you can't make amends for the kind of damage that he caused. It just isn't possible. Decades of work was needed on my part to get past many things and other things I just have had to learn to live with, and around, as they are a part of me now. There is no amends. I don't wish him harm. I don't want him to suffer. I hope he is cared for. I know he is loved and for that I am glad. But there is no letter I would answer and no amends to be made. I do not want any form of payment there for I do not believe I hold a grudge and I forgive him as much as is humanly possible, considering what was done to me. I do not want anything at all from him but for him to leave me alone. Period. No contact.

That he may have hurt feelings over that? I'm afraid that is just part of what he will have to work through on his own journey. It is not my concern.

That is why I think if you do answer and say good luck, be extremely clear that you do not wish for them to be in your life at this point. Which will probably hurt. But you need to aknowledge them for your own sense of "what's not hinky" (lol) then do so. Just be very clear you do not want them in your life. If you don't explicitly say that, "I hope you do well and best of luck" doesn't actually say if you want to speak to them or not. Trying to send "polite, unspoken messages to avoid hurt" is what gets a lot of us in trouble (read: me and my past of not being explicit and afraid of being rude and hurtful).

So be blunt. Be clear. And do not leave room for misinterpretation that you will have to deal with later because you were "polite".

IMO.

[WolfyOne]

This has been a great topic, my friend
Not only to help you get answers, but to make some of us aware, if it ever comes knocking on our door.
I can't add a thing because I am a forgiver and I don't hold grudges. Even if I never tell you I forgive you, I put it out in the Universe and let it go. I don't keep people like that in my life because the cycle has a chance of starting again. Life is short and moving forward is all any of us can do. I wasn't always like this, but age, time and lessons learned or burned have taught me well.

You have a BIG, decent, honest heart and I know you'll think about all the input you've received here and will send a short email to acknowledge it. No acceptance is needed by you. The program is theirs to work and even if you never send an email to them, they need to continue their steps.

[pajama]

Again, thank you everyone for the wonderful input. It was exactly what I needed. Lots of differing points of view.

I did respond, and went with the short I appreciate it, glad your getting happy/healthy, best wishes. Aaaaand done. I hope. LOL

I've never had this happen before so it really threw me for a loop. I gained alot of good insights from you all.

Once again, I am so grateful for this community.

A