Protecting our Butches

[Femminator]

Today, the kids were gone so my wife and I decided to take in a movie. Of course, being Femme, I naturally come across more typically straight and my OFOS Butch wife, comes across as clearly Butch.

We find an aisle we want to sit in and two men are sitting at the end, blocking it. We say we want to sit in the aisle and at first the men attempt to move for ME to get by, then they notice my wife, who cam up behind me and they stop, shake their head and gave my wife a dirty look! My wife just stands there and calmly stares back at them. I notice how large they are, bigger than either of us, and I take her arm and she says "we can go around this way" I present them my back and go off proudly on my wifes arm. I so wanted to start something about their lack of manners, but my fear of causing an incident was more, we live in the Midwest. The woman in the couple behind where we ended up sitting, said something to her husband about how "those men made them go all the way around because they were too rude to move" which made me feel a bit better about it all. I guess they saw the homophobia in action and were upset by it.

I told my wife later that I was angry, and should have remarked on their rudeness, to which she says "it took their fun away to have you act like a lady and not start something they could blame on us, they would have liked for trouble to happen so they could say 'see? that is how dykes are' and blame us." I was not happy with that answer and am still angry about it all. She also mentioned that she was 'used' to it from some males and that is what Butches had to deal with. I an upset and want to cry about it, so I didn't know where to go and unload except to my Femme sisters who would understand.

We have had things like this happen before and always want to step up and protect her, by addressing it. She said that I would 'unbutch' her by thinking I have to protect her(instead of the other way around) and to let her take care of things. How else do I show my love for who she is unless I standup against that crap? On the other hand, is getting into a fight with men that top me by 100 pounds really helping any? She could get very hurt by stepping in to protect me if I opened my mouth, it would not help. I am SO frustrated and angry about it. Any advice, or anyone else go through this type of thing?

[RockOn]

Pretty normal thing in the Gulf Coast area. I have become very thick skinned and generally try to ignore. I will go out of my way to avoid trouble if my femme is with me. It is usually 2 or 3 men together acting the ass. If I am alone I can at times stand up to their confrontation ... especially if I am already hurting or angry about something or am having a bad day. Not saying my behavior is smart but it gets old.

I think your butch handled this situation well.

So far, I have all my teeth.

[Rockinonahigh]

Rudeness in the world of life is sometimes a pain in the ass,dealing with it can be an iffy thing to contend with.So far I am still in one piece,tho I often wonder how I managed to be after all this time.I don't have anyone to have my back when I have issues happen so I try to use humor or ignore them and go on my way,easy..no but often works.When it doesn't I do what I need to do to get by without the loss of blood,body parts and teeth.I walk with a cane a lot to ease my left knee but it is also a weapon of choice,the handle is made of metal and the bottom is fixed with a good size stainless bolt my son put on it right above the bottom end of it that is hell on knees,crotches,toes and what have you...it is also a good blocking tool.Now and then I get a smart ass at one of the pool halls I go to or in the store,generaly one of the wait staff,bartender or the owner puts a stop to it then kicks the perp out of the place with a strong warning.The only time I had an issue was at my home pool hall when some jerk said I butted in line to get my order then wanted to make a big thing about it,the bartender told him he had hie beer and to move on but he was in a pissy mood and got bent out of shape.All I did was lay my cane on top of the bar with one hand on it then stare'd him down with the coldest look I had.He sputter'd around a bit then saw he didn't have an audience then walked away.This crap is something we butches have dealt with and will always deal with,but as the things that are changing hope it will become less as times go's on.Having someone who has you back is priceless.

[BullDog]

I am sorry to hear what happened to you and your butch Femminator. I have encountered homophobia like this from time to time. I have had guys basically corner me in a restaurant, sitting so I was basically hemmed in and talking crude, guy sitting next to me on the bus harassing me about my small amount of facial hair, a guy asking my femme friend why she would want to be with such an ugly dyke, etc. There are other incidences also. In all these cases my reaction is to give them no reaction and calmly walk away. They don't deserve a response from me. I think it is truly pathetic.

I know femmes tend to feel fiercely protective of butch partners and friends, and we do truly appreciate it. To me the best feeling is for her to just show how much she is happy to be with me- whether as friend or partner- and just walk away with me. The fact that a nice femme enjoys my company is worth far more than anything they can do or say. Rise above the idiots. Anyway, that is my preference.

[Femminator]

Thanks you to those that have already posted. I really thought about it today, and I guess you never know if someone is drunk, high or has a gun or knife. It still makes me angry but those losers were alone, and it's obvious why. I can't imagine a straight girl putting up with that type of rudeness and ignorance, at least my straight gal pals would not.

It really makes me worry for my Butch out there.

[Girl_On_Fire]

On the inside, I'm fiercely protective of my butch and I will stare someone down or call them out on their rudeness (if it's obvious, I miss subtle). However, there is something to be said for taking the high road and not sinking to their level.

Being calm and rational in the face of unreasonable behavior is often the best course of action. This way, they don't have the satisfaction of saying, "You see that? Those queers are all nuts!"

Now, that being said, if anybody starts a physical altercation and my butch gets knocked down for the count, I'm pretty much going out of this world like a Klingon*. Just sayin'.

(For those of you who are not geeks like me, a Klingon is a warrior race from the Star Trek universe. Their preferred method of departing the physical plane is combat).

[MsTinkerbelly]

When we're out in public i am very aware of the danger my wife might face, because everything about her screams that she is out and proud.

I can count on one hand the times that anyone has said anything or done anything in my presence. Fortunately, or unfortunately as the case may be, all i have to do is look at someone and they think twice about causing a problem. I can say go ahead, give me an excuse to fuck you up with just one look, and the size to make it a valid threat. My wife has a fiery irish temper, but it takes a great deal to even begin to bother her.

At almost 62 she has learned to let it all slide off her back.

[~ocean]

One night very late ,my ex and I went to get ciggs, ( we both smoked at the time ) so we stopped at a self serve gas station, Ths guy approached hm and was begging for money . When hy declined to give this guy money he became very aggressive towards hym, S I put my car in drive and chased him all aound the parking lot, he was running and running , when myex was finished w/ purchased I pickd hym up and off we went.

[Kobi]

First. I apologize for intruding in the femme zone. The Op was specifically asking other femmes how they felt about and handled situations of rudeness.

I am posting here because this type of situation is something we both have to learn to cope and deal with as individuals and as a couple.

People being rude is a fact of life. Unless someone is spewing homophobic insults, I dont presume they are acting out of homophobia.

People may just be having a bad day and looking for a target to make themselves feel better, they may be under the influence, they may be a few bricks short, they may be having a need to demonstrate their machismo and revert to the behavior of preadolescence etc. You never really know what may be behind the behavior.

As a butch, and lifelong atypical woman, various types of rudeness is commonplace from both males and females for any number of reasons.

One needs to gauge whether there is a true threat to life and limb versus just plain people rudeness. And, it helps to never take the rudeness of strangers personally.

How one chooses to deal with rudeness is an individual thing that reflects more on me than on the other person or people.

As a woman, I have learned just acknowledging the behavior as rude, smiling, nodding, smh and moving on works best for me. Engaging rudeness, even homophobic rudeness, is energy wasted.

On the flip side, just as femmes may worry about their butches, we also worry about rude behavior shown towards our femmes i.e. the cat calling, the innuendo etc.

I have been blessed to partner with very strong, wise, and verbal women who taught me a lot about dealing with people, rudeness, and men. The most important thing I had to learn? To get out of their way when they are dealing with something.

[randrum]

I came across this thread as I was exploring, and I figured I'd add my two cents, for what it's worth. And since other butches have replied, I figured it was okay.

I get where the aggravation stems from in that type of scenario where people are being blatantly rude. I have experienced my share.

People stare because of how I dress or how my hair is cut. Heck, not even having to due with being butch, but when I wear shorts in the summer people stare at the scar from my knee surgery.

As sad as it may sound, I've sort of gotten used to it. Most of the time I don't even notice. Or if someone mistakenly calls me sir, I let it go. But it frustrates my mom and sister to no end. And there has been a time or two where they've caused a scene.

So I guess where I'm going with this is, this sort of thing happens. As terrible as it is. Kobi is right; people can be rude. But I know, for me personally, knowing that my family and loved ones see it and don't accept it makes me feel good in a way too. I don't need their protection, but it's nice that they care enough to be angered by it.

[Shystonefem]

Originally Posted by ~ocean

One night very late ,my ex and I went to get ciggs, ( we both smoked at the time ) so we stopped at a self serve gas station, Ths guy approached hm and was begging for money . When hy declined to give this guy money he became very aggressive towards hym, S I put my car in drive and chased him all aound the parking lot, he was running and running , when myex was finished w/ purchased I pickd hym up and off we went.

Wow! I haven't experienced that here. The stares, of course, never blatant aggression. I would flip, seriously.

Here, I find that when I am out with a butch, the straight women tend to flirt with the butch. Idk... sstrange.sounds lime a lot of people encounter aggression and that is NOT right.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I am fiercely protective of my partners. Female animals in the wild are extremely fierce, often moreso than the male because they have that urge to protect their litters and survive in ways the males just fight to mate.

I do not feel being fierce for my partner is "unbutching" her. Not ever. I have lived in some of the roughest are scariest areas in London, so I no longer have any fear about "hurting" someone. I have punched people, in the face, when safety required. My Butch partners always respected me in that they allowed *me* to handle my situation first and they had my back should it get to a point they needed to step in. Sometimes they did, often with a bit of humour and sarcasm and gently disarmed the situation and we exited.

Causing someone danger by speaking ones mind or being physical is not always the best way to protect someone. We ultimately need to protect ourselves and our partners are there for backup. Although I often have wanted to step in, I do a disservice to my partners decision on how to handle themselves - unless I see a car crash happening. Then I will do my best to handle in a disarming way - like my partners have done for me.

My partners are perfectly capable of protecting themselves. I am perfectly capable of protecting myself. We are both fierce and strong. But we have each other's back. It is not her job to protect me. It's mine. It's her job to help me if I need it. I sometimes really do.

And you did protect her already by disarming the situation and taking her arm. You did not escalate it by being provocative with a comment. That's being protective. Properly. No worries. You had her back.

[Ginger]

Sorry that happened, Femminator. I think it was wise of your wife not to get in a fight with those morons ... it sounds like you both really handled it well. I tend to lose my temper when provoked in public, so you responded more wisely than I might have. You took the high road. Above them.

[Strappie]

Great thread.....

[Rockinonahigh]

Originally Posted by Rockinonahigh

Rudeness in the world of life is sometimes a pain in the ass,dealing with it can be an iffy thing to contend with.So far I am still in one piece,tho I often wonder how I managed to be after all this time.I don't have anyone to have my back when I have issues happen so I try to use humor or ignore them and go on my way,easy..no but often works.When it doesn't I do what I need to do to get by without the loss of blood,body parts and teeth.I walk with a cane a lot to ease my left knee but it is also a weapon of choice,the handle is made of metal and the bottom is fixed with a good size stainless bolt my son put on it right above the bottom end of it that is hell on knees,crotches,toes and what have you...it is also a good blocking tool.Now and then I get a smart ass at one of the pool halls I go to or in the store,generaly one of the wait staff,bartender or the owner puts a stop to it then kicks the perp out of the place with a strong warning.The only time I had an issue was at my home pool hall when some jerk said I butted in line to get my order then wanted to make a big thing about it,the bartender told him he had hie beer and to move on but he was in a pissy mood and got bent out of shape.All I did was lay my cane on top of the bar with one hand on it then stare'd him down with the coldest look I had.He sputter'd around a bit then saw he didn't have an audience then walked away.This crap is something we butches have dealt with and will always deal with,but as the things that are changing hope it will become less as times go's on.Having someone who has you back is priceless.

I recently up graded my cane,I now have one with a strong light in the handle facing forwards(it's in the grip of the handle) also If I need to I just flip a button behind the light and can stun the bas5a7ds with 50,000 volts of stun gun power.It cost me $80.00 but is worth it.

[thedreamerin]

I don't think it's unbutching to want to defend her. It is, however, unwise. Life is full of people who will want to cut you down or ridicule you. Like others have said it's either because they have their own personal demons to fight or that they don't like your face.
Who can make sense of it? I know I can't.
However, I think the high road is the better route. Yeah as a femme we'd want to pull out some quick moves and ninja chop a few foos but really, have you trained to fight hand to hand? Even if you have violence is like a cancer, it only spreads negativity.
I look at it this way. Sometimes I really would love to swing a sack of heavy coins at a person, but the feeling of hitting someone? I don't think it would be nice. Besides, those type of people are beneath me.
Best revenge you can have is go home with her and give her extra attention.

[TruTexan]

you know, from my perspective, sometimes I need to be protected from myself cause I could get myself in a whole buncha trouble stepping up to someone. I wouldn't mind if a femme talked me down and away from a situation like that, and handled it on her terms in a different manner. Nothing wrong with a femme protecting me too. I know I"d protect my femme as best I could for sure. Hell I'd take a beating if someone tried to harm my gf/wife, if we couldn't ignore the situation going on or walk away. I'm very innately protective. It's in my blood.

[princessbelle]

Originally Posted by TruTexan

you know, from my perspective, sometimes I need to be protected from myself cause I could get myself in a whole buncha trouble stepping up to someone. I wouldn't mind if a femme talked me down and away from a situation like that, and handled it on her terms in a different manner. Nothing wrong with a femme protecting me too. I know I"d protect my femme as best I could for sure. Hell I'd take a beating if someone tried to harm my gf/wife, if we couldn't ignore the situation going on or walk away. I'm very innately protective. It's in my blood.

I personally think it's in a lot of our "blood". I don't think the butch folk have any more protection blood in them than we (femmes) do. If someone is being mean (verbally) to anyone i'm with, friend, family, partner, hell a stranger for that matter, i most likely could not keep my mouth shut and certainly haven't in the past. So, it is the act of being disrespected that boils my blood.

I've said stuff when i've been out with a butch and they get remarks thrown at them in the restrooms etc. I've lost my cool even at crossed looks with someone i've been with. Maybe not the smartest moves i've ever made. But, it happens. I bet the number is relatively high for those of us that do speak up. But, it also has to do with timing and safety and logic. I wouldn't be as quick to open my mouth if i was in an unsafe place vs. a restaurant for example.

I agree with you about sometimes stepping up to help our partner back down is a good idea as well. I can see myself doing that with my partner, if i was being disrespected and vise versa.

It really works both ways. The old saying "pick your battles" comes to mind. Think about the situation "you" are in, is it worth the trouble and most importantly is it safe. And whether or not femmes or butches stand up to ignorance in a setting where any of us are being harassed it does not diminish, at least in my eyes, our devotion to our community or to each other.

....because 99% of the time it is not going to change anyone's opinion of "us" it will just escalate things to who knows where.

And i am talking about verbal here, not physical. Physical is a WHOLE other ballgame.

[thedreamerin]

It is interesting to look at it from so many different perspectives. I am the type to put my hand on her shoulder and say "lets just go, they're not worth the prison sentence". LOL Though, for the right butch? I'd help her bury the body >.> but that is something else entirely....

[Shystonefem]

I don't see that much here. Actually, I haven't seen it at all. I don't care if someone stares or talks crap. If there was a physical altercation, I would probably join in... I can say, in all honesty, I am not one to sit on the sidelines while anyone I like is getting attacked.