About Butches Q & A

[TruTexan]

fulltimefaking,
You are not and never alone in how you feel. There are plenty of us butches out there that have gone through what you're dealing with. I am a female, woman identified lesbian butch, but I don't really care for my breasts, they to me are just things that make me look more like a girl more than I want to. When I worked in physical jobs, they'd get in the way of things I had to do. I always wanted to have smaller breasts that wouldn't stick out so much. Over the years, I've just learned to deal with it by accepting the fact that I have them and they are a part of my body whether I like it or not. I've never wanted Top Surgery, although there are others that have wanted that and did it.
However you feel is just that, how you feel about YOU. Allow yourself to go through your emotions, feelings and logic to see where you can find some kind of comfort. have you thought about binding? That is a way some of us have dealt with our breasts and some still do. There are bras out there you can get that are more flattening for you to a degree. I'm sure there's a thread around here someplace that talks about butches and binding. Try looking in the Butch Forum topics. There's tons of information there other than just that as well. Hang in there and don't ever be afraid to reach out to one of us here on the planet to talk to along with lots of others here as well. Come into chat sometime and meet a few of us and enjoy your stay here.
As Dapper and Bulldog have responded, they are some really great folks to talk to. Don't hesitate to initiate friendships on the site. You belong here just as much as we do. I'm glad you found us. Welcome to the Planet by the way.

[Corkey]

Hi. Be you, be the best you you can be. Be as nonconforming queer butch human being you can be. Welcome to the Planet, the place for being.

[TruTexan]

Hey Fulltimefaking,
I found a link to the Frog Bra thread Dapper started; check that out and see if you'd be interested in using that for while til you figure things out.

FROG BRA LINK

[fulltimefaking]

Thanks to all of you for your answers! It means a lot to me to know that you have read what I wrote and to get your support and perspectives. When I had read your answers yesterday I cried cause I felt such a relief that I finally had expressed these feelings of dysphoria in words (beyond very confused diary notes) but also because all of this feels very scary. I feel terrified of not knowing where these feelings will take me. Spent so much time in my life trying to be the girl people expect me to be, I don't have a fucking clue what I am going to find if I start to truly listen to myself.

I do use a binder almost daily nowadays, but it is some sort of light variant that honestly doesn't help so much (my breasts are pretty big). I have recently ordered a new one from the US which I hope will do a better job

[TruTexan]

Hey Fulltime,
Just be in the place you are for now, one day at a time, it's a step by step daily process to go in a direction of YOUR OWN DAILY JOURNEY. Be YOU and the BEST YOU , you can be, one day at a time. Keep posting and reading threads, make friends, come to chat and talk. Hang out with us, and make yourself right at home with the rest of us. Not all of us here have finished our own journey, some of us are still in that process. This is a safe place for all of us and the Admins keep it that way. Don't be shy, it's ok to ask questions/have discussions in threads, talk to us, and add friends to your list. Send messages to us if you need one on one talk. Someone will respond to you as soon as they are able. You're now a part of this family here, so just make yourself right at home, if you wish to.

[Femminator]

I forwarded this site to my Butch as she is currently on a journey to decide if she is more feminine or masculine of center. She needs to have support of other Butches to help her I think. So, my question follows:

Is it common for Butch to be a life long journey along the spectrum? By this I mean, is it common for you to question yourself if you are Butch enough, how you present, how you act, how Femmes see you? I have been with mine for over a decade now and it has been only lately that she is questioning herself excessively. I don't care HOW she presents personally, I love her. Is it harder for older Butches? We are in our 40's.

[TruTexan]

Originally Posted by Femminator

I forwarded this site to my Butch as she is currently on a journey to decide if she is more feminine or masculine of center. She needs to have support of other Butches to help her I think. So, my question follows:

Is it common for Butch to be a life long journey along the spectrum? By this I mean, is it common for you to question yourself if you are Butch enough, how you present, how you act, how Femmes see you? I have been with mine for over a decade now and it has been only lately that she is questioning herself excessively. I don't care HOW she presents personally, I love her. Is it harder for older Butches? We are in our 40's.

I don't think I ever actually had that life long journey along the spectrum of finding myself and what kind of butch I am. I am just me and I happen to accept and be ok with my being female, a woman, and masculine all at the same time. For me, the questions of being butch enough were usually coming from someone else questioning MY butchness, and with that I mean, probably only about 2 or 3 other male Identified butches questioned it. It was a posturing thing that I quickly diffused. I wonder if it is only lately that she is feeling some sorta age thing within herself that makes her excessively question herself? Like a midlife thing? Kinda sounds like it to me maybe.
As far as harder for older butches to date? I think that the older we get that there are less avenues to find women to date since we no longer go to the same hangouts like the bars as we might have when we were much younger, therefore leaving a tiny dating pool of friends making suggestions or finding meetup groups to create a larger pool of options when we are older single butches. Me, I just find it hard to meet people since I don't know anyone at all around where I live and there are no gay people here. Even when I lived in Austin, I found it hard to find groups that were older unless someone created a meetup.com group for lesbians in my area that got together to make friends and then I find that there's the clique thing still going on. I hate that crap. Anywho, I'd be interested in speaking to your gf about what she's going through and why she's questioning herself so much and to tell her my own stories I have and my own issues , that sorta thing, so she knows she probably not alone in how or what she is going through. Tell her to contact me when she decides to come onto the planet, to hit me up with a message so I know it's her. We can always use another butch around here ya know. LOL I hope she signs on and visits often.

[Cin]

Originally Posted by Femminator

I forwarded this site to my Butch as she is currently on a journey to decide if she is more feminine or masculine of center. She needs to have support of other Butches to help her I think. So, my question follows:

Is it common for Butch to be a life long journey along the spectrum? By this I mean, is it common for you to question yourself if you are Butch enough, how you present, how you act, how Femmes see you? I have been with mine for over a decade now and it has been only lately that she is questioning herself excessively. I don't care HOW she presents personally, I love her. Is it harder for older Butches? We are in our 40's.

I don't know if it is common but I have questioned if I am butch enough at some moments in time and i have also questioned if i was too butch. Mostly it was when I was younger and it was usually in response to someone else's questions or remarks about my butchness.

I had a partner who thought I was less butch later in the relationship than I was initially. I didn't see it, nor did I agree with her assessment, but she was certainly entitled to her opinion. I didn't feel less butch. But one cannot change another's perception. I questioned myself because of what she said, but I didn't feel any change so I was able to let it go. I don't like to dismiss other people's feelings but sometimes their feelings are based on something that really has nothing to do with you, even though they are looking at you as the cause of their dissatisfaction. In this case the partner ended up leaving me for a man, so I guess compared to a man I didn't present masculine enough. And that's fine with me.

I have also had a partner who thought I could/should tone down my masculinity. I didn't even get how that could even be possible for me to do. I feel like if you are not comfortable with your partner's gender presentation perhaps you need a different partner. It would probably be easier than trying to get someone to change who they are. That never ends well for anyone.

But I don't think I can remember just waking up in the morning, yawning, stretching, and then questioning my butchness or lack there of. I am the same butch I always was. I did however question how I acted, how I presented at times. This was an issue for me as I struggled to live comfortably as a masculine woman and as a feminist. My relationship with masculinity has always been difficult. I don't trust male and by extension masculine. We do live in a patriarchy so being suspicious of men/male/masculine just comes with the territory for many women. Masculinity comes with a certain amount of privilege even couched in a female package. Albeit there are challenges that a masculine woman faces daily as well as oppression for being female, gay and masculine presenting, but there is also privilege for the masculine part. Which is pretty confusing because there is also aggression and hostility for the masculine part because it is in a female package. It's enough to make your head spin.

But I did at times try to reign in my masculine side because of how I saw masculinity. It didn't work very well. I always ended up not feeling good about trying to deny who I was. I did finally come to terms with myself as a masculine female. Interestingly enough though, I never tried to encourage myself to stretch for more masculinity. It wouldn't have mattered though, it would never work out comfortably either way. I don't think one can force oneself to be more or less masculine or more or less feminine than one is. So if your butch is trying to decide if she is more feminine or masculine of center (what is center by the way? androgyny?) perhaps it would help her to just sit with her feelings and see who she is when she is all alone with herself.

Anyway I think any insecurity I feel regarding being butch comes from other people not from me. Inside me I am butch and comfortable with it. Outside interference causes questioning for me. Not so much anymore but I had to work it all out first before I was able to not respond to other's judgments. Perhaps she just needs to get to that point where she is comfortable in her skin and other people can't rock her with comments and judgments. Or do you think she is questioning whether she feels like she is butch or not? Because that is something different.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by Femminator

I forwarded this site to my Butch as she is currently on a journey to decide if she is more feminine or masculine of center. She needs to have support of other Butches to help her I think. So, my question follows:

Is it common for Butch to be a life long journey along the spectrum? By this I mean, is it common for you to question yourself if you are Butch enough, how you present, how you act, how Femmes see you? I have been with mine for over a decade now and it has been only lately that she is questioning herself excessively. I don't care HOW she presents personally, I love her. Is it harder for older Butches? We are in our 40's.

I think it is pretty common for butches to question these things, but I have really only seen that when a person first realizes they are butch, not a decade(s) later. Or maybe I misunderstood and she only more recently realized that butch was her gender?

[Evolved]

Originally Posted by Femminator

I forwarded this site to my Butch as she is currently on a journey to decide if she is more feminine or masculine of center. She needs to have support of other Butches to help her I think. So, my question follows:

Is it common for Butch to be a life long journey along the spectrum? By this I mean, is it common for you to question yourself if you are Butch enough, how you present, how you act, how Femmes see you? I have been with mine for over a decade now and it has been only lately that she is questioning herself excessively. I don't care HOW she presents personally, I love her. Is it harder for older Butches? We are in our 40's.

--------
From my perspective, it's not so much of a question of "am I butch enough" but more of am I presenting my authentic self to the world. It's difficult because gender norms and expression - thus labeling is rooted in our socially constructed notions of what is butch and what is femme. I find that in our culture (US) we are so fascinated by how woman portray themselves whereas when I was in Germany, it was less of an issue/fascination.

I don't think I have ever compared myself to some invisible butch measuring stick but I have found that some femmes that I have been with do compare me to exes with regard to butchness. So I guess it's been more of how I am perceived in the world. Some would consider me "soft" butch. Whatever that means, I'm not sure but if that's what they need to label me as, by all means. What matters is not to lose yourself in the process. It sounds like she has some great love and support from you to help prevent that from happening.

Was her questioning herself spurred by a conversation she had with someone or an event?

I'm sure the forum would welcome her with open arms if she ever had questions or needed someone to vent/talk to...